THE FIST PUMP: Discussing The WWE Network

Hello again, my friends. Last week I presented you with my predictions for the Royal Rumble. I didn’t watch the show, but I’m pretty sure my predictions were incorrect. I suck at doing those prediction things. Maybe I picked the winner correctly. Chris Jericho won right? I asked Blair about it and he said Shaemus won the rumble, so he must be fucking with me. Shaemus winning the rumble? That’s just crazy talk.

Speaking of crazy talk, the comments and mail last week were very nice. Thank you. One guy just posted ‘What the actual fuck?‘ for a comment. That’s the funniest compliment I’ve ever been given. Again, thank you. Obviously my interpretation of the rumble wasn’t entirely possible to perform in real life. I do think they should have someone be Dracula though. Just about every character, fictional or otherwise, that is worth a damn has battled Dracula at one point in their career. Billy The Kid fought Dracula. Batman fought Dracula. Scooby Doo fought Dracula. It’s entirely possible Batman AND Scooby Doo teamed up once to fight Dracula. That family from the Castlevania video games have dedicated their lives to fighting Dracula. If Undertaker is continuing to build up this big Mania Streak, then Dracula should be somewhere on that list. Who else is he going to fight this year? Triple H again?!? That’s just more crazy talk.

This week I’m going to discuss…hmmm? Like I said, I didn’t watch the Royal Rumble. I haven’t seen RAW in a few weeks either. That’s usually when I write these stupid things. What should I write about? Do you care about that WWE Network? No? Well, too bad. That’s all I can come up with.

So….yeah. There perhaps could be possibly maybe a WWE Network. Apparently there was talks about it being pushed back or something. I couldn’t tell you one thing about what that means. Nor could I make any insightful predictions about the possible success of such a network. There is a Hallmark Network. At Christmas, my family was watching this nonsense. It was like twenty four hours of made-for-TV Xmas movies. How can such a thing exist?!? If they can have a network, can’t pro wrestling? Can’t anyone?

While I can’t predict what kind of success this network would be, I do see alot of possiblities. I wonder though if this will be a WWE Network or a Wrestling Network owned by WWE? That’s two completely different things. If it’s a WWE Network, eventually they can run RAW and Smackdown whenever they want. They can run their PPVs as specials on the network I guess. They can run any of their other wrestling shows. They can run their wrestling-related shows like Tough Enough and the few movies they have produced. They have a giant library of footage from various promotions, including their own. They can make up new programming. I think Comedy Central was surviving just on South Park for a while. I guess this network can live off of RAW and specials.

But if this is a wrestling network owned by WWE, then WWE can OWN pro wrestling! At least in the United States. What if Total Nonstop Action was dropped by SPIKE? Maybe TNA can work out a deal to be on the WWE Network. They can have a Thursday show or whatever. Why not? Maybe the network works out a deal with Ring Of Honor, CHIKARA, or whoever for timeslots. Maybe that Luncha Libre USA show and Dragon Gate USA gets a timeslot, and they trade talent with promotions like CMLL, AAA, and the other various Dragon Gates. Maybe once they are all under the WWE Network umbrella, they all trade talent like the days of territories, with WWE being the top promotion still and whatever WWE title being the top prize. John Cena goes down to Florida and takes on Jeff Jarrett. CM Punk, one night only, goes back to Ring Of Honor to defend his WWE Championship against that Davey Richards idiot. Undertaker shows up in a coffin at CHIKARA and chokeslams like twenty dudes all wearing masks. That would be awesome right?

I don’t know what they are going to do. WWE are testing out ideas for original programming, and so far it looks pretty lame. Like reality shows with people living in a house babbling about nothing. That’s not fun. Here are five ideas I had for television shows I’d like to see on this network that will most likely never be on this network…
 
 
 
5 IDEAS FOR TELEVISION SHOWS FOR THE WWE NETWORK
 
 
 

1. AT THE MOVIES WITH THE REPO MAN

As mentioned earlier in the fith paragraph of this column, WWE has produced a few movies. And wrestlers in general have been in all kinds of movies. So this program can show one of these movies each episode. I like when shows such as this have a host. It doesn’t have to be Repo Man. It can be any pro wrestler as long as they have a silly outfit and a distinguishing laugh. Maybe The Million Dollar Man or The Mountie could do it. It works with any of those guys.

There’s a ton a movies they could use, as long as they can get the rights to show them. They can do specials for days they show John Cena movies or any of Rowdy Roddy Piper’s movies, as They Live and Hell Comes To Frogtown are fucking classics. Anything with a wrestler should be available for use. Gremlins 2 has a Hulk Hogan cameo? Show it! This movie kind of has the back of Christian’s head for ten seconds in one scene? Show it! That Matthew Modine movie where he’s really young and he’s the wrestler and he’s trying to make weight or something and it’s all crazy and dramatic and whatnot? Let’s get nuts! Show it!!!
 
 
 
2. THE NO HOLDS BARRED ZONE

I thought it might be a good idea to have a political show. The trick is to get the right people to host it. You need people who like discussing politics and who like getting into fights. I’m thinking Val Venis and JBL would be perfect for hosts. Val Venis can be arguing with some guy about health care or taxes, and when it gets heated JBL just runs over and clotheslines the guy right out of his fucking seat.

This would also be a good place to keep a diva or two busy when they aren’t being featured on the wrestling shows. I like when news shows have hot chicks in cute outfits discussing various topics. They can also cut in every hour with an updated version of that Vote John Cena In 2012 map that’s going around. Then you will be able to check out if you live in a ‘Red State’ or ‘Blue State’ every hour, on the hour.
 
 
 
3. PAWN SUPERSTARS

This would kind of be a reverse version of the show Pawn Stars. A crew and host would go to various pro wrestling events where wrestlers are selling autographs or any other wrestling collectibles they own. Then the host of the show would haggle with and generally harrass them. I don’t know if the show will work without that bald guy from Pawn Stars laughing at people’s misery while lowballing them before they head back to the casinos. That’s part of what makes that show great. I think it’s got potential though. Imagine if they are at some convention center and get a scene like this…

SHOW HOST: Today I’m here at the booth of a legend, no, a god of professional wrestling, Ric Flair! Mr. Flair sir, it’s an honor to meet you. So what are you offering today?

RIC FLAIR: Right now! I’m offering you! One time! Wooo! A phone call from the one and only! The Nature Boy! Ric Flair! Woooo!!!

HOST: I’m sorry. You are selling a phone?

FLAIR: No, a phone call. From me. The Nature Boy! Ric Flair. Wooooo!

HOST: So you’d just call me later today or something?

FLAIR: Or later this week. Woo.

HOST: I see. What would we talk about though? I’m here meeting you right now. That’s even better than a phone call if you think about it. I’m a collector and seller of wrestling related memorabilia, and I’ll be honest with you. There just aren’t going to be alot of buyers out there for a story about ‘The Day That Ric Flair Called Me’, you know what I mean? In fact I don’t think I can sell that at all, really. How much do you want for this phone call?

FLAIR: Five thousand dollars.
 
 
 
4. WARRIOR

Have you ever read or even seen a bit of The Ultimate Warrior’s comic book? How about if they do a live version of the comic book starring The Ultimate Warrior? He’s still in good shape and still full of energy. The show would be an action/sci-fi/drama show that’s like a mix of Conan The Barbarian and Alice In Wonderland. The Ultimate Warrior walks around some tripped out, barren wasteland fighting giant monsters and sharing his philosophies with smaller, less frightening monsters I guess. Maybe throw in some robots.

Or just ask Warrior what he wants to do. I’m sure he has a bunch of ideas for shows involving himself where he yells alot that would be hilarious. That guy is golden.
 
 
 
5. LATE NIGHT WITH NEW JACK

Alot of wrestling fans like to watch pro wrestlers do ‘shoot interviews’. This is where wrestlers discuss stories that don’t generally happen in the ring and give you a sense of what their career off-camera was like. I don’t watch alot of those, but I have seen a few. My favorite one was New Jack, The Iron Sheik, and The Honky Tonk Man in a hotel room. It’s great.

First they get worked up yelling about every single person they’ve ever worked with, and probably a few they haven’t. Then Iron Sheik drops his pants. Then Iron Sheik is unable to pull his pants up, because he was standing on the pant legs. But he kept trying to pull up his pants anyway. He couldn’t figure out why his pants wouldn’t go up. Even though he was standing on them. Then New Jack showed off his new knife I can only assume he purchased from a Predator. After that they just ignore the guy asking questions and start drinking. They start making some phone calls, Shiek starts getting loud, strippers come over, etc.  Eventually the interview stops when hotel security kicks them out.

I’m thinking you give these three guys a late night talk show like Letterman or Leno. New Jack can be the host. Sheik can be like the ‘Ed McMahon’ of the show. He just chills on the couch and yells shit out during interviews. Honky Tonk Man can be the band leader. He can rock out and occasionally say some crazy shit too. You don’t have to just bring wrestlers on to interview either. You can bring on any celebrities that want the exposure and promotion. New Jack would be great as a talk show host. He’s funny. He thinks fast off the top of his head. He’s likeable, but he won’t have any fear of asking anyone a tough question.

Because New Jack don’t give a fuck.
 
 
 
And that’s five shows I thought of and wrote about instead of watching RAW. I think there are some real ratings winners in there, especially the New Jack one. Maybe you have some different ideas for shows this WWE Network could get behind. Maybe you just want to say that my ideas are great. Maybe you just want to say that my ideas are horrible. Maybe you just want to say something completely related or unrelated with the present article you’ve currently just read these past few minutes or hours depending on your specific reading comprehension level. You can do all of that in the comments section below. Keep on reading The Pulse and keep on FIST PUMPIN’ bitches.

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