Ring rats and gentlemarks, for the first time ever, two wrestling aficionados have joined forces FROM ACROSS THE CONTINENTAL UNITED STATES to simultaneously watch Friday Night Smackdown over the magical apparatus known as the Internet!
Opening Segment: Teddy Long is in the ring to discuss the upcoming Elimination Chamber match. Mark Henry heads to the ring in a bad mood and gets himself indefinitely suspended for putting his hands on Long. Sheamus makes the save and says he’ll pick his opponent after the PPV. This brings out Cody Rhodes, so Long makes this a one-on-one match.
Mike: Greetings, wrestling fans! Mike Gojira here with Kelly Floyd as we gear up for our joint recap of Smackdown! Tonight…Orton vs Barrett FOR REALZ!
Kelly: I kind of already forgot Randy was gone for a minute.
Mike: It’s the lack of mutton chops.
Kelly: Ah, touche, good sir.
Mike: I must warn you ahead of time: I will be staring at Rosa Mendes’s ass.
Kelly: Go for it. It’s the only part of her I can tolerate.
Mike: Here’s Teddy Long. I think he nailed all the words in the urban dictionary with that intro. “Dog.” “Playa.”
Kelly: “Off the chain.”
Mike: “Mah niggah.”
Kelly: So we have Daniel Bryan, Wade Barrett, Big Show, Cody Rhodes, Mark Henry and let me guess…Orton? Oh hey, it IS Orton.
Mike: Surprise. I love how he calls Big Show an “ath-a-lete.”
Kelly: How cute that Teddy long is(n’t).
Mike: Did he just fuck up the explanation of the Elimination Chamber?
Kelly: Might have. I was too busy wondering how disastrous the involvement of Mark Henry will be.
Mike: Mark’s not liking this one bit. Don’t worry Mark, no one is.
Kelly: WHO MADE MARK HENRY DO MATH?!
Mike: He just said he’s the most dominant talent on the show and Teddy Long kept a straight face!
Kelly: Teddy has such willpower. If there is another god damn title match tonight, I’m going to stab someone. Oh snap, he’s removed from the Elimination Chamber match….is God listening to me?
Mike: Wow. Bait and switch. Henry’s out of the Chamber match!
Mike: Knock on wood! Where’s Rhett Davis’s skull when you need it?
Kelly: I’ll find him in a moment. Do you think Teddy bought that brand new backbone discount, or full-retail price?
Mike: Henry’s indefinitely suspended for touching Teddy Long.
Kelly: Sheamus appears!
Mike: I’d like to think he was just standing in front of a white background.
Kelly: No words needed. Brogue Kick and Henry is down!
Mike: Blair Douglas must be loving this. Long: “Give it up for the 2012 Wurl Wumbull winner, Sheamus!”
Kelly: That is perfect! Oh, Cody Rhodes wants to chit chat now. Cool!
Mike: I’m liking this Rhodes kid.
Kelly: I love him. I used to think he’d be the one drowning after Legacy. But nope!
Mike: Ultimate Warrior name drop!
Kelly: Cody can read your mind! “Half the time, I can’t even understand what either of you are saying!”
Mike: “Hooooo Kogan!”
Cody Rhodes vs Sheamus
Mike: Commercials! What kind of commercials are you getting over in AZ?
Kelly: All SyFy show stuff. And oh hey! We’re back!
Mike: Let’s go Cody!
Kelly: He’s never looked more tan.
Mike: Everyone looks tan compared to Sheamus.
Kelly: Love the shades of Finlay with that spot. Doing this Irish girl proud!
Mike: Awesome Beautiful Disaster from the barricade!
Kelly: MAGNIFICENT! That moonsault was SEXUAL.
Kelly: Don’t sass me, boy. That was glorious.
Mike: Booty pop!
Kelly: I will end your life.
Mike: That’s what I love about you.
Kelly: Among other things, I’m sure.
Mike: Well your name is easy to remember, for one.
Kelly: All right, you can hit on me later. Let’s talk wrestling, shall we?
Mike: Second beautiful disaster is ducked, as is the Brogue Kick!
Kelly: Hm. That’s new.
Mike: Was that the Emerald Fusion he used to put away Rhodes?
Kelly: Not sure, but it looked pretty powerful. A tad basic, but still a good power move. Commercial time. Also time to relive Undertaker’s return, I suppose.
Mike: This commercial break was brought to you by Samuel Adams Cherry Wheat.
Kelly: Speaking of which, beer’s empty. Better grab another.
Mike: I love my Cherry Wheat.
Kelly: Miller Lite for me. Because I’m a real man.
Mike: So I heard.
Kelly: Don’t be jealous.
Mike: I can’t help it.
Kelly: I know it.
Justin Gabriel vs Hunico
Mike: We’re back and here comes Justin Gabriel! You’re having an orgasm right now, right?
Kelly: Absolutely. Wait, we’re talking about hearing Lillian’s voice right? Oh, here comes my man Hunico!
Mike: And your boy on the low rider!
Kelly: Caramel Thunder.
Mike: This is like if AJ, Eve, and Rosa Mendes all expressed their love for me at the same time.
Kelly: I just threw up in my mouth. Oops. Full vomiting now that Khali is entering.
Mike: The….Great…Khali….is saving Gabriel? He’ll be a withered corpse by the time Khali gets in the ring.
Kelly: So…let me get this straight. They paired up J-Gabe with Hornswoggle…now with Khali. Did he lose a bet?
Mike: Apparently it’s because he tried to help Heath Slater get over. Which we all know is impossible.
Kelly: That. Explains. EVERYTHING.
Mike: Something tells me the only reason Khali is back is to take Henry’s place as a lumbering mouth breather.
Kelly: I completely agree.
Backstage: Teddy Long gives McIntyre a chance to impress him. Santino introduces his new partner, “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan. Aksana shows up to make another sexual joke.
Mike: Poor Drew McIntyre.
Kelly: I actually like him, too.
Kelly: HOLY GOD!
Mike: I mean SANTIN-HOOOOOOOOO!
Mike: Yay! Rosa’s ass will be on my TV tonight! Speaking of ass, here comes Aksana.
Kelly: I’m just glad she’s being the true definition of a Diva. A reckless floozy that flirts with management and holds their “wood”.
Mike: Sexual euphemisms are PG.
Kelly: I still can’t believe Mike fucking Tyson is being inducted into the HoF. Of all things.
Mike: He definitely helped get the Attitude Era up and running. I remember how the media ate up his fight with Austin.
Kelly: I like when they can bring that exposure. But I feel like the involvement of celebrities opened the door for people like SNOOKI to appear. Well, celebrities/athletes.
Mike: I can’t believe the fucking Bleacher Report was just referenced in that video package. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to stare at Rosa. Please recap the match while I ogle.
Epico and Primo vs Santino and Jim Duggan
Kelly: Oh boy. I guess I’ll be talking to myself on this one. I can’t think of anything I’d want to watch less than the Celebrity Beach Bowl. Maybe TNA. All right, commercials are over and Epico and Primo are out with their appointed skank. We’ve lost Mike.
Mike: Booty pop!
Kelly: Duggan taking care of Epico…and now he’s not.
Mike: The ratings jump every time the camera cuts to Rosa. True story.
Kelly: I would like to see proof.
Mike: Well…..something rises.
Kelly: Santino in to save Duggan…mayhem in the ring already! Santino is distracted by Rosa, and Epico and Primo pick up the victory. Rosa must be good with Cobras.
Mike: Ahem. Here comes Daniel Bryan, who looks lost in the hallway.
Kelly: I’d try to get lost too if I was about to deal with Michael Cole.
Mike: Oh snap.
Kelly: I’m dreading it. I’m so sick of Cole. And not in a “you’re supposed to be sick of him” kind of way.
Mike: But….but…you’re supposed to be sick of him.
Kelly: Oh shut up. Mark.
Mike: Who’s Mark?
Kelly: Oh lord. Is it too late to back out of this collaboration?
Mike: Is that what you’re calling our marriage now?
Kelly: That’s how rumors get started.
Interview: Michael Cole admits he’s starting to respect Daniel Bryan. Big Show appears and he brawls with the champ until AJ stops Show.
Mike: This interview is like the age-old question, “If a heel announcer insults a heel champion, does it serve a purpose?”
Kelly: I kept wondering about that. He seems like he’s transitioning though.
Kelly: I love how much heat Bryan gets! It’s crazy considering how much the fans used to adore him.
Mike: They still do. The fans are booing to play along.
Kelly: Are you sure the fans are that smart?
Mike: He’s forcing the fans to boo vegans.
Kelly: Every time he talks about being a vegan, he makes me want a big juicy steak.
Mike: I’m right here, baby.
Kelly: No, I said big.
Kelly: LOVE YA.
Mike: Holy shit. The WWE is going to have vegan spokespeople up in arms over this.
Kelly: PETA is going to screech about this.
Mike: Why? PETA would back Bryan up.
Kelly: Think about it, he’s using it to make them hate him. Therefore equating vegans to douchebags. And, come on. It’s PETA. They flipped out about the president swatting a fly.
Mike: Bryan just said that Big Show ran over AJ “like she was a piece of meat.” Not sure what he was going for there.
Kelly: Speaking of Show, here he comes.
Mike: Slowly. Very slowly.
Kelly: This is not holding my interest.
Mike: It involves Big Show. Duh.
Kelly: At least they’re brawling now.
Kelly: Oh god.
Mike: BOOTY POP!
Kelly: GIRL MOMENT: I love her top…
Mike: Me too. Oh, you meant the shirt….
Kelly: You know what, I have no problem with her in this angle. Know why?
Mike: Because she’s not wrestling and gets hurt.
Backstage: Natalya and Beth Phoenix are stretching when Natalya farts twice. Santino walks into it with hilarious results. After the commercial break, Great Khali is announced as Henry’s replacement in the Elimination Chamber.
Kelly: DID NATALYA JUST FART?
Mike: That’s her new gimmick. Dead serious.
Kelly: I have no words. It’s like the WWE knows their Divas are a joke, and decided to have some fun with it. Are you serious?! We’re really doing this…like, really.
Mike: Yes. I love how these Star Wars commercials only show Darth Maul. Now if only the whole movie was him fighting…
Kelly: Good thinking, Mike. Mention Star Wars to cool me off. If Darth Maul fought in more of that movie, it would have been much better. And, you know, if they eliminated the Gungans.
Mike: MEESA ANNOYING STEREOTYPE! YOUSA GONNA PAY $15 TO WATCHA ME GO BOOM BOOM!
Kelly: My right eye is twitching.
Mike: I have that effect on people.
Kelly: I’ll save that $15, buy an 18-pack of beer, and watch the original trilogy at home, thanks!
Kelly: Oh wow, I guess I missed Nattie and Aksana last week while I was in Vegas…how despicable.
Mike: That’s where the farting thing started. Don’t you read my recaps?!
Kelly: Not last weekend! I was too busy keeping the FSW Vegas wrestlers from getting arrested and/or stabbed on the Strip!
Mike: At least you’re not a ring rat.
Kelly: If that’s sarcasm…oh, boy. I will kill you.
Mike: It was more like hopeful optimism.
Kelly: Nah, I’m more of a man than most of FSW’s roster.
Mike: Good job “promoting” the company you work for.
Kelly: I’m definitely not promoting Future Stars of Wrestling in Phoenix, Arizona, the show that airs on AZTV every Saturday night at 11 pm…why, does it sound like I am?
Natalya and Beth Phoenix vs Tamina and Aksana
Mike: Wait…did we just miss the match?
Kelly: We just chit-chatted right through it. Did anyone want to hear us discuss a twelve-second Divas match? Show of hands?
Mike: Yes, the gentleman wearing a trench coat in the back? Oh…hello, Hargrove.
Mike: Did…did they replace Henry with Khali? I’m a fucking psychic!
Kelly: I was putting on some Carmex…but I hope you’re wrong… Or joking… Or…ANYTHING but what you just said.
Mike: Sorry to disappoint you.
Kelly: Kill me.
Mike: Then who would be my muse?
Kelly: True. You need me.
Mike: Yup. These bills don’t pay themselves.
Kelly: Definitely true. And while I’m paying bills, does anyone want to buy me some beer? I seem to be a little short…
Mike: I’m short too, but I’m told it’s my Italian genes.
Kelly: Do I want to discuss your shortcomings, or John Cena? Aw, shit, it’s like Sophie’s Choice…
Mike: Terrible reference.
Kelly: I thought it was pretty good.
Mike: The movie, yes. The metaphor, no.
Kelly: Don’t be rude.
Mike: We’ve been chatting for nearly two hours and NOW you say something?
Kelly: But…you’re going to hurt my feelings! HA! Thank god I’m typing this. I wouldn’t be able to keep a straight face. I don’t have feelings!
Mike: I know. You’re a woman.
Kelly: Only between the legs. Well, and between the shoulders too I guess.
Mike: That’s up for debate.
Kelly: And you’ll never know!
Mike: That’s what the Internet and cell phones are for.
Backstage: Matt Striker chats with Randy Orton.
Kelly: …uh oh. So uh, Randy Orton is on TV…
Mike: DON’T CHANGE THE SUBJECT!
Kelly: The Viper is chatting……about Wade Barrett…DAMN. It’s a commercial.
Mike: ATTICA! ATTICA!
Kelly: I’m going to pretend to go grab another beer now.
Mike: I’m going to actually grab a beer.
Kelly: I want the Tornado Takedown ring. I don’t care that I’m 23, I want to use my Chris Jericho action figure to take out my Edge action figure.
Mike: You kids these days.
Kelly: Yep, we know how to party.
No Disqualification Match: Randy Orton vs Wade Barrett
Mike: God, I HATE Barrett’s new theme song. What the fuck is this shit?
Kelly: How many damn songs has he had? Honestly?
Mike: I preferred “End of Days.”
Kelly: Shit, I preferred “We Are One”…not that it would make sense post-Nexus. But whatever.
Mike: Both were good songs.
Kelly: So, Bryan will be watching the match backstage with Teddy and AJ when we come back from the break.That’s…odd.
Mike: AJ can sit here with me and watch the match.
Kelly: Yeah, then she’d be off my television. Well, we’re getting down to the main event. What has been your favorite part thus far?
Mike: This chat, honestly. What about you?
Kelly: Ha, me too, actually. We seem to be on the same page.
Mike: Well, duh. I AM awesome to hang out with.
Kelly: And I’m just awesome. So, Randy slinks out.
Mike: Of your vagina?
Kelly: No. He’s brown, but he’s not Caramel Thunder like del Rio.
Mike: Eww. Anyway, Orton starts things off with uppercuts into the corner.Nice snap suplex.
Kelly: He’s dominating the match with his usual chain of moves.
Mike: Over the top rope goes Barrett.
Kelly: I love when they go at it outside the ring.
Mike: I’m sure you do.
Kelly: Barrett is crashing hard into the barricade!
Mike: Like John Morrison’s career.
Kelly: This is why we’re best friends.
Mike: OW!!!! That back suplex onto the barricade looked like it hurt!
Kelly: Now THAT was sexual. Love it. Looks like Barrett’s mouth is bleeding a little. I spy, with my little eye…a table! Of course it goes to commercial, I was just getting into it.
Mike: Like sex with a guy who’s not me. I won’t quit on ya.
Kelly: Goodness gracious.
Mike: I can feel you blushing.
Mike: We’re back with an attempted superplex by Orton!
Kelly: And the table crumbles underneath Orton!
Mike: Folks, if you’re wondering why we’re actually calling this match instead of just rambling, it’s because this is the only match that’s lasted longer than 5 minutes.
Kelly: Yeah, I’m a little disappointed in Smackdown today. It’s not usually this full of fluff. What is this, Friday Night Raw?
Mike: HA! Barrett has been working over the lower back of the Viper.
Kelly: I simply love when Barrett is in control. He’s slowly picking Orton apart. BIG boot to Orton’s face.
Mike: I wonder if Wade has an orange splotch on the sole of his boot now.
Kelly: Might look like he stepped on Snooki.
Mike: As they fight in the crowd, Orton clotheslines Barrett over the barricade!
Kelly: Barrett reverses, avoiding a nasty collision into the steel steps, instead sending Orton in his place.
Mike: I forgot the name of the disease Orton suffered from, you know, when he hears voices? Was it IBS?
Kelly: It’s actually SUITCADTT. Shut Up, I Totally Choreographed A Dance To This.
Mike: That’s right! I forgot all about that! Never did see that video…
Kelly: I’ll provide it if I find it. Orton beats Barrett with the chair like a good bitch.
Mike: And I was wrong about the disorder. IBS is Irritable Bowel Syndrome.
Kelly: Hey, those noises can sound like voices, if it’s bad enough.
Mike: Josh Mathews: “Venom is beginning to spew from the Viper!” Get yourself tested if you’re sitting in the front row, kiddies.
Kelly: So much spit and sweat flying about. Orton planted after a failed RKO attempt.
Mike: Barrett hits the Winds of Change!
Kelly: Another chair works its way back into the ring.
Mike: Barrett in control. NASTY RKO!!!
Kelly: But he doesn’t go for the pin! RKO on the chair, this time. Annnd…it’s over.
Mike: This feud’s over.
Kelly: Of course. I knew that would happen. Bryan will face Orton next week.
Mike: Bryan’s heading to the ring.
Kelly: Awkward, strange celebration, and the credits roll?
Kelly: Well. Okay!
Mike: Soooo….let’s wrap things up. Give the world your thoughts about Smackdown, this recap, etc.
Kelly: I’m actually pretty disappointed in this episode. Not just because Nattie is a fart machine now, but it was kind of boring! Smackdown is THE dominant WWE show, in my opinion. But they look like they planned this show by pulling slips of paper out of a hat. Sheamus/Rhodes and Bryan/Orton were the only two REAL contests in the entire two hours.
Mike: I have to agree. Try recapping this show moment-by-moment every week. By hour two, I’m wishing the show is over.
Kelly: It’s no secret that my love for WWE programming has dwindled. I don’t even really watch Raw anymore. But Smackdown used to be so enjoyable. I’m hoping it’s just an off-week.
Mike: Well, these chats will probably liven things up. What should we entitle this abomination, anyway?
Kelly: I have no idea. I was going to leave that up to you, sugar plum.
Mike: Okay, honey dumpling. How about “Mike Gojira’s Not-So-Live WWE Smackdown Report featuring the Typing Ability of Miss Kelly Floyd”?
Kelly: Maybe it was a mistake to put you in charge.
Mike: Maybe it was. “The Pulse Power Couple’s WWE Smackdown Report.”
Kelly: I think you’re getting closer with that one. I mean, I don’t hate it!
Mike: Well, how would you adjust it?
Kelly: I like it, but I’m kind of a fame whore. I want our names on it, somehow!
Mike: “Mike and Kelly’s Obnoxious WWE Smackdown Breakdown.”
Mike: Huzzah! A winner is you!
Kelly: Well, we’ve named it, nurtured it, and raised it.
Mike: Now we have to lock it in the attic until next week.
Kelly: Just like parents do with all children.
Kelly: I look forward to the next time. Even if the show is dull, we sure as fuck won’t be! Until next week, Pulse Realm.
Mike: So long, and thanks for all the fish.
Tags: aj lee, aksana, Beth Phoenix, big show, Booker T, Camacho, Cody Rhodes, Daniel Bryan, Drew McIntyre, Elimination Chamber, Epico, Great Khali, Hacksaw Jim Duggan, hunico, Josh Mathews, Justin Gabriel, Kelly Floyd, Lillian Garcia, Mark Henry, Michael Cole, Mike Gojira, Natalya, Primo, randy orton, Rosa Mendes, Santino Marella, sheamus, Smackdown, tamina, Teddy Long, Wade Barrett, World Heavyweight Championship, WWE