The Bachelor 2012 – Episode 7 Review – “Did He Seriously Get Rid Of Emily?”

So of course this being episode # Lucky 7, I’m wondering if we’ll be lucky enough to rid the world of the virus that is Courtney within a two hour span.  Or if we’ll be lucky enough for the cameraman to run out of tape just as Ben leans in to kiss the various girls on his dates so we miss the inevitable pre-kiss lip-licking.  Or if we’ll be lucky enough to be taken out of the tropics for at least one episode for a different kind of eye candy (yes, I’m still waiting with hope for a shopping spree.  What can I say?  I’ve been searching for a shopping scene that rivals Julia Roberts’ in Pretty Woman for many years now and for some reason I feel like this show is going to give it to me.  “Do you work on commission?  Big Mistake.  Huge.  I have to go shopping now!”  Sigh.  No such luck.

It goes without saying that I, as usual, was searching for humour as well.  But of course, amusement was not at the top of the list of emotions felt last night.  How about sheer terror (shark-diving???  It’s like they read my blog from a few weeks ago!)  Or how about anger (really Ben?  That conversation with Courtney at the end was all you needed to make your decision?)  How about disgust (I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again; guys in tank tops = not okay.)  How about hopelessness? (One day Ben, when you’re sitting alone on the couch waiting for your whore of a wife Courtney to get home from ‘working late’ again, and your gremlin children are driving you crazy, you’ll pick up those old DVD’s and watch your season of love and wonder how you could have been SO uniquely stupid, yet so fatally the same as any guy who has ever thought with his cock.

Belize it or not (sorry), I think last night was a turning point for all of us.  The ladies are getting small in numbers (not in jean size) and usually it’s right about this time that the gold-digging whores are sent packing so the wholesome, pure bachelorettes can finally take center stage.  The fact that Courtney made the cut again-well – I think we all know how this story is going to end.

As we’re treated to the stunning Belize landscape – and I truly do mean stunning, we hear Ben’s voiceover, monotonously stating, with all the introspection of a computer that this is a serious week because of the upcoming hometowns.  The girls jump off the boat and wait for Ben to come greet them in his hideous striped cami.

Of course the girls are all excited about their beautiful suite – though I do have to wonder if they even end up sleeping in them or just using them as central gossip stations, since last week, Courtney clearly invited Ben to ‘her room’ something she would not have been able to do if they were all sharing one.

All the girls are itching for the first one-on-one date.  Courtney because ‘Ben knows she needs it’ and he’ll give it to her if he wants her to accept any further roses from her highness.  Emily because she’s still looking for a chance to redeem herself from nine weeks ago, and Nicki, whom I’ve realized has one eye that is much higher on her face than the other, just because – though for some reason she tells us that her and Ben really don’t need that much more time together.  Really?  You’re ready to tie the knot after one date in the rain?  Well thought out.  The common theme here with most of the girls is that whatever happens, they don’t want Courtney to get the date.  Shocker.  Like the black widow spider she is compared to about 47 times by Kasie B throughout the episode (who – hooray – got a fresh blow dry!), Courtney waits patiently, slowly releasing her venomous idle threats to whoever will listen, that she may not stay if she doesn’t get want she wants.  A very controlled, disturbing, adult tantrum, if you will.

Lindzi scores the first date and wastes no time getting ready.  After all, it does take about four hours to apply that much makeup.  Despite the fact that I am now thinking her dimple may actually be a cavern she rents out for drug smuggling, or as my husband thinks, a potential scar from a good old fashioned face-slashing,, I still think she’s pretty and I like her the best.  When they circle the blue hole pre-jump and Lindzi’s hair is in a ponytail, she reveals just how little training she has in makeup application – seems she has a bit of ring-around-the-jawline going on.  You need to blend girl, blend!

So of course because Ben seems to get off on placing girls in situations they’re terrified of (so he can assert his masculinity and be the ultimate protector), lo and behold, Lindzi has to jump out of a plane!

She’s clearly terrified, as I would be – but more of me surfacing missing the bathing suit I jumped in with – how does a bikini survive that fall?  Never fear, Lindzi!  Ben gives her a dose of his secret medicine – a sloppy-ass kiss as she’s totally nauseas from having to jump and somehow she finds the courage she needs to make the anticlimactic leap.  

Lindzi’s post-swim interview reveals a rainbow of skin pigments as clearly she left most of her bronzer in the blue hole but never fear, dinner approaches and she’s right back where she started, singlehandedly keeping the cosmetics industry alive in a single bound. 

Meanwhile, back at the house, Emily is lamenting the loss of a coveted piece of cheesecake, stolen away just as fork inches towards plate (now you’re speaking my language, girl!) and mind-fighting with Courtney over who will get the next one on one.  Courtney gives us an Oscar-worthy performance by actually shedding a couple of tears and attempting to evoke feelings of sympathy for her given how uncomfortable she must be knowing Ben is on a date with Emily ‘who’s done so many terrible things to her’.  She informs us that that since she placed her breasts directly in front of Ben’s eyeballs the week before, somehow the spark seems to have fizzled.  What a shame.

Ben and Lindzi’s date is heating up as they try to come up with a creative way to express their ‘journey’ on a Post-It.  They settle on a unique ‘one upon a time’ option, while Ben tells Lindzi how open and honest he’s going to be and how he’s going to let her know exactly how he feels (except for that pesky contractual obligation that prevents him from doing exactly that, but anyway…)

The bottle they send off into the moonlight gets stuck under the dock and with that, their fantasy is over and back to the bunkhouse Lindzi goes. 

The next morning, it’s Emily’s turn…the girls wish her well, except for Creepy Courtney who says ‘see ya later’ with her usual lack of eye contact.

Emily’s date is cute and natural and reminds me of my honeymoon in Costa Rica, except I don’t recall a romantic walk that ended with witnessing the murder of lobsters and getting picked up by a fisherman.  Was Emily really excited to go diving for lobsters?  I mean seriously…I’m all for eating them but I’m more of a gatherer type of person than a hunter.   Give me a shopping cart in a well-lit grocery store on a Saturday afternoon with my kids at home and an hour to myself and I’ll gather up any old groceries you like.  Hell, I’ll gather takeout menus, reservations, you name it.  But I do not feel the need to kill for my dinner.  Just sayin’.  Not to mention the sanitation issue of those snorkel mouth pieces.  I highly doubt the fisherman properly cleaned them before giving them over to the lovebirds.  Then again, I still think I’d rather have one of those nasty-ass things in my mouth than Ben’s tongue.

They finally catch their lobsters and moments later, they sit down to enjoy the fruits of their labour and give me time to realize that Emily has left half of her eyebrows back at the house.  Bile starts to rise in my throat as Ben leans in for yet another long, lingering, wet kiss and thank god we are taken back to the house just as things are getting too intimate to bear, only to discover that somehow Courtney and Lindzi have become BFF.  I don’t like this.  Not one bit.  I’m not quite sure how Lindzi can sit there listening to Courtney pour her heart out about Ben when Lindzi is fresh off her date, but I guess Lindzi is just too nice.

The foreboding music kicks in and the date card arrives and we should have known – Courtney gets it.  Her evil voice, quickly transforms into well, another evil voice, as she proclaims all sorts of things that made me sick, such as ‘he listened!  And ‘oh snap!  My fingers were furiously typing and eventually I just had to stop and listen in awe to the things coming out of her mouth.  I may be a blogger, but I’m also a viewer, right?

She frolics out of the house with a pleasant ‘can’t stand y’all!’ and meets Ben with a fresh new baby voice right off the plane.  As they walk through the forest, I am pleased to confirm that Courtney’s legs do in fact, suck.  They connect at the knees, are slightly chunkier than the rest of her frame, and in general, a detriment to potential future runway jobs.  Poor struggling model.

They come across the astounding Mayan temple, which truly is an incredible site and one that is surely too sacred to be tainted by the likes of Courtney.  Yes, they begin their ascent to the top where they comfortably spread out a hand job blanket.  I have to say I find it quite fitting that they’re climbing towards a sacrificial altar, since every moment Ben spends with her he is sacrificing more and more of his soul. 

Ben tells Courtney he wants someone ‘weird’ because he’s weird (don’t flatter yourself) and that this ‘journey’ has really helped him understand what he’s looking for in a girl and he can see that in her.  How in all his introspection, the spinner has somehow landed on Courtney is beyond astounding to me, but then again, he wears tank tops.

They arrive at dinner, where their food waits, probably cold and most certainly infested with insects (but no worries it’s not like they’re going to eat any of it) and we get a chance to hear Courtney manipulate the conversation by telling Ben she’s not sure if she wants him to meet her family – which of course only makes him want it more – sheer genius.  She also informs Ben that the girls in the house are vanilla and not the kind of people she’d be friends with since they’re so into themselves.  Um, are you serious?  They are into themselves???  Ben just sits there nodding, trying to ignore Jiminy Cricket jack-hammering through his shoulder as she seals the deal by admitting that she also, by the way, has no female friends. Ding ding ding ding!  It’s one thing to be a girl who doesn’t particularly like another girl.  But guys.  Come on.  Any girl that seems incapable of making female friends is most likely a) a bitch, b) a whore and c) all of the above.  If you’re looking to find a girl to take home to mom and fit in with your buddies, look elsewhere. 

Finally, as the silvery moonlight casts a glow on her bottom lip, I see that Courtney is sporting the beginnings of a Herpalicious cold sore!  Is it Christmas???    It’s hard to notice since her top lip comes crashing down over her entire face so often, but look closely – it’s there.  Of course no date with Courtney would be complete without several annoying movie quotes, her finger-guns blazing at the camera in her best attempt at a sexy cop.  Based on those acting skills, at least we don’t have to worry about seeing her on TV once this show is over (though shocker, she is on this week’s cover of Us Weekly as ‘The Bachelor Man Eater – she’s worse than you think!’.  Way to feed the animals.

Ok.  Group date time.  My heart is starting to beat quicker just thinking about it and I was in a full blown panic from the pre-commercial ‘coming up’ montage!  Not to mention the fact that I thought we were going to be exposed to the girls shaving their bikini lines at four in the morning.  That’s just dangerous when you’re half asleep.  Clearly they didn’t have too much time to put thought into their outfits either because Rachel shows up wearing a sweater and moccasins and don’t even get me started on Kasey B and the oversized t-shirt and soccer mom hoodie.  The only thing that could distract me from their outfits were the tan lines on Nicki’s boobs.

Shark diving?  Seriously?   What kind of bullshit is this?  The idea that in order to prove themselves worthy of love, these girls have to consistently encounter near-death experiences is simply not fair.  These are dainty little woman, Ben.  And I’m sorry, but this has nothing to do with trusting you.  What are you going to do if a shark attacks one of these girls?  Play it a song on the piano?  If them sharks be hungry, they be eating.  And thank you, Rachel for confirming what I know in my heart of hearts to be true; that lake sharks do exist and they are deadly.  As God as my witness, I would tell Ben to go eff himself and work on my tan while the rest of those chicks plunged themselves into that puddle of death.  So there.  If that means I don’t get a rose, fine.  At least I’ll have my principles and my limbs.

Of course, Kasie and Nicki are the biggest fools on the date because they’re risking their lives for nothing, since Rachel is completely monopolizing  Ben’s time – and well she should,.  I’m surprised Kasie didn’t play the anorexia card like she did last week.  I mean, after all, she was anorexic for almost a whole year.  Not to diminish how scarring that eight minutes with the disease must have been, but there are people who battle it for life.  I might as well say I’m anorexic between breakfast and lunch every day.

The girls finally all get to share some one-on-one time with Ben where Ben nods throughout the conversations like they’re all on job interviews.  I don’t know how he kept a straight face with Kasie’s hair and that ridiculous red flower jutting out of her ear.  I don’t even know what to say anymore about that.

I didn’t realize that they were basically having lunch right underneath the other girls’ balcony where Courtney the stalker watches them right after throwing just enough one-liners to drive a nail through the hearts of the other girls – like ‘we had a late night last night’.  

While Courtney informs us that Kasie is a little girl in a little boy’s body, her ears must have been burning since she chose to spy on them just as they are attempting the most pathetic intervention ever.  I thought by last week’s preview that they were going to sit him down and give it to him straight.  I should have known we were being played where Courtney is involved. 

Fast forward to the rose ceremony.  I don’t know if Courtney thinks she’s at a photo shoot for some insane asylum pamphlet or if she’s just doing some basic facial exercises but her expressions while all the other girls are having a normal adult conversation about how the night will go are beyond.  Beyond what?  I don’t know.  Just beyond.  You can just see their wheels turning as she basically admits she couldn’t care less about Ben and I’m furiously typing again trying to capture it all.  Finally I am spent once more and I just have to stop to enjoy her moment in all its absurdity.  And once again, she ruins a perfectly good movie by butchering a quote as she takes advantage of the open bar. 

When Ben approaches, I don’t know why he even bothers having the heart to heart with Courtney and frankly I don’t think it’s fair to the other girls as I’m sure they would have liked the opportunity to clarify any last minute issues.  What did you expect Courtney to say?  The girls are right?  I don’t actually care about you?  Thanks for pointing that out?  Obviously you’re going to get more of the same BS she’s been spewing all season.  Ridiculous.

Courtney once again, frolics with her gross legs back to the line-up, her web of lies trailing behind her, where, surprise surprise, she makes the cut once again.  Does Ben not hear her mean girl antics when she says things like ‘wouldn’t wanna be ya!’ and cackles loudly at the sunken-shouldered castoffs departing in tears?  You can only ignore that kind of behaviour for so long!

Rachel looked like she was going to have explosive diarrhea all over the boardwalk and as she and Emily departed, I have to say I was disappointed.  If it were me, I would use that opportunity to call Courtney out in front of everyone.  Why not?  You’ve already lost your chance with Ben.  You’re not exactly going to be BFF with her after the show.  It’ll all come out on The Women Tell All (can’t wait!), so why not stir the pot before you drag your ass back to real life.  I’d love to see a full on confrontation at a rose ceremony one of these days instead of girls wishing the guy who just broke their heart love and happiness.

Anyways…I am getting more and more nervous for Ben…but also excited at the prospect that he may actually pick Courtney in the end.  At this point, might as well go all the way right?  He’ll no doubt grace the cover of many future magazines calling him out for being one of the biggest idiots the show has ever seen, second only perhaps to Jake who also chose the train wreck from his season Vienna.  And we all know how that ended.  Between the Women Tell All and After the Final Rose, he’ll be completely devoid of testicles by the end of the season, and Courtney will show up with them in her hot little hand to the  season premiere of Bachelor Pad 3 – Hollah!

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