The SmarK RAW Supershow Rant – 02.13.12
Get well soon, Jesse Sorenson. Figures that I’m bored on a Sunday night and decide to watch a TNA PPV for the hell of it, and the first match sees the poor guy basically have his career ended. I’d give the show a mild thumbs up otherwise, as Aries-Shelley was an easy ****1/4 even with the idiot crowd and everything before that was enjoyable enough.
Live from San Diego, CA
Your hosts are Michael Cole & Jerry Lawler
Kane starts us out with a cold open in the back, and he STILL won’t shut up about “embrace the hate”. Someone’s going out in an ambulance tonight. I’d bet on Miz’s opponent.
Sign that they’re out of ideas: We start with an Elimination Chamber DEBATE. Oh god, this is gonna be a bad night. Everyone in the match is in the ring and has a podium, but sadly the opening question from Jerry Lawler is interrupted by Big Johnny, who is still Executive Vice President of Talent Relations and Interim General Manager of Monday Night RAW. Punk promises that the debate will NOT end in violence, which draws boos. Vickie wants to make a rule that no booing is allowed, which of course draws exactly the intended reaction. R-Truth makes his election promises and reaffirms his hatred of spiders. Miz once again won’t let go of last year’s Wrestlemania. Kofi promises that he won’t be an afterthought. Yeah right. Jericho (looking every bit of his age in HD) once again declares himself the actual best in the world, but Punk brings him back down with a crack about finishing seventh in Dancing With The Stars. And then Kofi lays him out with the wacky kick. Tonight: They all pair off in singles matches so that we can have more people doing jobs going into the PPV main event! If this was their cutting satire of political debate season, they should stick to wrestling. What a god-awful opening segment.
Kofi Kingston v. Chris Jericho
Kofi stomps him down in the corner and tosses him, then follows with a dive. Back in, he hammers away in the corner, but Jericho takes him down and follows with a backdrop suplex. Senton gets two. Kofi fights back, but misses a dropkick and Jericho gets two. Kofi with a crossbody out of the corner for two and he makes the comeback and chops away, but springboards right into the Walls . He makes the ropes and hits the Trouble In Paradise on a cocky Jericho, but it only gets two. They fight on the ropes and Jericho goes to the eyes and hits the Codebreaker at 5:18. That seems like Kofi is an afterthought to me. **1/4
Meanwhile, Shawn Michaels is HERE. And hugging HHH.
Meanwhile, at the Royal Rumble, Kane tombstones Zack Ryder and EMBRACE THE HATE blah blah blah.
Meanwhile, John Cena gives romantic advice to Zack Ryder, who is now in a super-duper neck brace and wheelchair, and points out that Kane has beat the shit out of him every week for something like a month now. So he promises to stand guard on the locker room and ENSURE that Kane doesn’t throw him off any ramps this week.
Meanwhile, David Otunga points out to Big Johnny that he didn’t get named the PERMANENT GM of RAW, but he’s got a plan to make it happen.
Meanwhile, on Smackdown, Randy Orton gets DQ’d against Daniel Bryan, thus setting up a match with Big Show tonight. I’m pretty sure one day this show is just gonna be interviews and video packages of other wrestling shows for two hours and it’ll be so gradual that no one will even notice.
Big Show v. Randy Orton
They slug it out in the corner as Cole once again gives the bullshit about how the champion only has a “1 in 6 chance” of retaining the title. Cole’s math is about as convincing as his commentary. And we take ANOTHER FUCKING COMMERCIAL BREAK. Did they change their production crew or something? The pacing problems of the TV show itself are getting really noticeable lately. We return with Orton holding a sleeper, but Show flips him to escape, only to see Orton hit the dropkick for two. They brawl out again and Orton gets the draping DDT on the way back in, which is pretty impressive. Orton hits something that I think was supposed to be an RKO, but they screw it up as Show goes down too soon and Orton is totally lost, then repeat the spot with Orton hitting it clean this time, and D-Bry runs in for the DQ at 6:15. Obviously Orton fucked up and then was waiting for Bryan to run in, and I guess he had to do the move again to give him his cue. That was embarrassing. And did we really need a commercial break for a six minute match? Bryan lays out both guys with the belt, finally getting some heat on himself. Has there actually been a clean finish in this entire Show-Bryan-Orton program yet? **
Shawn Michaels is back. Whew, good, I need a break from the 10 minutes of wrestling in the first hour. And he’s pretty upfront about returning because it’s Wrestlemania season, and he (and the fans) wants HHH to accept Undertaker’s challenge and end the streak. That doesn’t get the babyface pop that Shawn was likely hoping for. So HHH comes out for a quick DX reunion pop, but he once again notes that he doesn’t want to be the guy who ends Undertaker’s streak. Shawn’s like “That’s EXACTLY what you do!” and accuses him of “marrying that chick and becoming one of them”. HHH notes that it’s not selling out, it’s investing in the future. That sounds like SELLOUT talk to me. Shawn says that when a man challenges you, and you back down, that’s COWARD talk. No matter how nice the suit is. HHH gets really pissed now and points out that everything is going to be on his shoulders pretty soon, and Undertaker’s streak is good for business, and that’s what’s important to him and his family’s future. That’s a really, really interesting twist on the storyline. And then he says what everyone was thinking: Shawn just wants him to end the streak because Shawn couldn’t get it done himself. Uh oh. Shawn doesn’t take the bait, because he’s at peace and HHH isn’t. But HHH still says no. However, I’m sure that much like Sean Connery, 500 “no’s” and a “yes” means “yes.” And then we get another Undertaker video package, this time with him cutting his own hair off to justify the baldness, which kind of sucks the awesome out of the segment because holy shit were HHH and Shawn just killing it. And now I kind of want to see Shawn v. HHH again. What a segment!
Dolph Ziggler v. R-Truth
Truth attacks to start, but Dolph dropkicks him and goes to a chinlock. He works the headstand spot in again and does situps, but Truth cradles for the pin at 2:20. ½* This has been a rough year for Ziggler thus far, as I don’t think he’s actually won a match since his big main event push began. They should have just kept the US title on him, given that Swagger has had it for a MONTH now and isn’t even on TV anymore.
Meanwhile, Santino gives romantic advice to Zack.
Tamina Snuka v. Brie Bella
Just in case we didn’t get it the first million times, Tamina is now using her dad’s last name. SHE’S JIMMY SNUKA’S DAUGHTER! WE GET IT! She still sucks! Tamina fights off distraction from the other Bella and gets the samoan drop and Superfly splash to finish at 1:20. ½*
Meanwhile, another video package, this one about the Rock, but when John Cena gets called away to the interview room for his reaction, KANE ATTACKS. And Eve gets the ride in the ambulance, but leaps out at the last second and makes out with John Cena. Hey, maybe if her “boyfriend” wasn’t such a pussy who got beat up every week and never stood up for himself, he’d be able to hang onto his woman. And then after the break, Eve just wants to be friends with Zack. Given that this show is targeted at 14-year old boys who identify with Ryder and see Cena as the super-jock who they resent, that’s gonna make her heel Diva #1. Just watch.
The Miz v. CM Punk
Miz controls with his usual offense to start, but Punk fights back with a high kick. Miz goes to the arm, but Punk hits him with the running knee and bulldog. Miz escapes the GTS with a DDT for two, but goes up and misses. Punk powerslams him for two and they head up, with Miz going down first and Punk hitting the Macho elbow. Anaconda Vice finishes at 5:00. Well I think we know what the deal was there. *1/2
And you’re thinking that’s the end of the show, but you’re WRONG. Because Kane has apparently realized that Eve isn’t in the back of the ambulance, and he’s back with it. Boy, haven’t we all been there, kidnapping someone in a rented ambulance, only to get out onto the interstate and then realize that your intended rape victim has escaped and cheated on her boyfriend with his best friend. Man, if I had a nickel…
John Cena still has to get his interview for some reason. Honest to god, I’ve actually been convinced to NOT buy the PPV after the past two weeks of shows. Cena talks about how Kane is just making him SNAP or something. Kane wants him to EMBRACE THE HATE, but Cena will RISE ABOVE HATE. The crowd, for their part, chants “We all hate you”. Your #1 babyface, ladies and gentlemen. And he’s got nothing else to say, and then Zack Ryder comes out on crutches. Oh my god this actually can get stupider. Ryder can at least walk again, and he slaps Cena like a little bitch, perhaps upset that Cena was cheating on him with Eve, and then Cena shoves down the crippled guy. Way to embrace the hate. They’ve just completely destroyed the Zack Ryder character and made him an unlikeable doofus jobber. And with Zack slinking away to his wheelchair again, Kane appears on the screen and promises that Cena will be leaving the PPV in an ambulance with major bodily harm. But Kane actually has to point out that Cena will be back for Wrestlemania. Oh my god, this is unintentional comedy at its finest. And then Kane pushes Ryder off the ramp AGAIN! OH NO, MR BILL! Thankfully this bump doesn’t look as contrived as the other ones, but it was so realistic that I think Zack might have broken his leg or something. Is this supposed to be make me want to see Cena get revenge on Kane now?
They are just topping themselves in terms of finding ways to take the biggest match of the year and make people absolutely not care about it one bit. Perhaps they should let whoever’s writing HHH v. Undertaker have a go at Rock v. Cena. Oh, that’s right, HHH and Undertaker are booking their own program because they’re not stupid enough to trust creative with it.
And just think: We still have to get to Shaq v. Big Show for Wrestlemania somehow. God only knows what they’re gonna come up with for TH
Tags: big show, booking, Cena, David Otunga, DX, Elimination Chamber, HHH, Jerry Lawler, john cena, kane, Michael Cole, michaels, miz, Orton, PPV, punk, R-Truth, randy orton, Raw, Rock, shawn michaels, SmarK Rant, Snuka, Supershow, TNA, TV, undertaker, US Title, wrestlemania, wrestling, WWE, zack ryder, Ziggler