Week three of our little experiment commences with a recap of Monday night’s Big Show/Randy Orton match that apparently led to Orton’s removal from the Elimination Chamber. Who will take his place? Let’s find out!
Kelly: Hello everybody! And welcome to your new favorite recap. I’m here with the wonderful, talented, sometimes annoying Mike Gojira.
Mike: And with me as always is the gorgeous, talented, and sex-tastic Kelly Floyd; a woman whose cleavage enters a room five seconds before she does.
Kelly: Everyone’s gotta be famous for something, right? We start things off with Randy chit chatting with Teddy Long about his injury.
Mike: That concussion must REALLY cause him to hear voices.
Kelly: Our poor readers. Sorry folks. Anyway, I guess he’s being escorted off the premises.
Mike: When I first heard Orton had a “concussion,” what I really heard was, “Wellness violation.” But now that I see the footage, it’s obviously a work to get Orton in the title match at Wrestlemania.
Kelly: That’s what our amazing M.C. Brown was speculating just yesterday.
Mike: I wouldn’t know; I’ve been avoiding Pulse for fear that someone would spoil the new participant.
Kelly: Oh yeah, you still don’t know…tonight will be fun…
Mike: I still think it will be one of three guys: DiBiase, Gabriel, or Santino. With Santino being the ridiculous longshot.
Kelly: I’m biting my tongue, as I know who it is. But I should torture you.
Big Show and Great Khali vs Wade Barrett and Cody Rhodes
I feel like we’re missing something…Big Show has entered, Khali has entered, now Rhodes.
Kelly: Whoa, bitch.
Mike: Other than Cody.
Kelly: Oh, okay. Phew.
Mike: And the fans are booing Barrett’s theme song.
Kelly: And rightfully so.
Mike: This tag team match seems unfair…to my eyes, I mean.
Kelly: I agree 50%.
Mike: Guess you don’t have 20/20 vision.
Kelly: Play nice. It’s only the first match!
Mike: It’s the Great Khali and Big Show. On a tag team.
Kelly: Yes, dear. Hence…50% of the tag team match. Well, Cody has Khali on the ground!
Mike: Big redwood hits the ground! Timber!
Kelly: Show stumbles in.
Mike: I never thought I’d see the day Khali was face-in-peril.
Kelly: No joke, right? Show hits the Chokeslam for the victory. Like ripping off a band-aid. Quick, and hurts a whole lot more than people say it does.
Mike: Big Show punches Khali in the face for being a big fucking waste of oxygen. Oh wait…..it was to show there’s no teamwork on Sunday.
Kelly: I’m going with the former.
Mike: I like my first explanation better, too.
Backstage: Mark Henry suggests to Teddy Long that he should get a shot in the Elimination Chamber. Big Show barges into the office, knocks out Henry, and demands that Teddy give him Daniel Bryan. Long forces Show to leave the arena and he destroys the office in retaliation.
Kelly: Henry is choking on the English language to Teddy Long. And a wild Big Show appears.
Mike: Indefinitely suspended must mean something different to Henry.
Kelly: Big Show. Angry.
Mike: He just punched the plasma TV!
Kelly: How dare he.
Mike: Since we’re now in commercials, I suppose it’s time to announce that we’ll be tackling Tuesday’s live Smackdown instead of next Friday.
Kelly: Yup. Which means you won’t have to wait for the madness. We’ll be back in two days! How fortunate for you.
Mike: That might be too much. Hey, did you know Blair Douglas faps to this?
Kelly: I’d prefer not to.
Mike: I guess it’s a Canadian thing, what with their beady little eyes and flapping heads.
Kelly: I guess I’m just more surprised he even has exterior genitalia. But, enough about that unpleasantness.
Ted DiBiase vs Hunico
Kelly: Tedward DiBiase enters after a recap of something we saw about six minutes ago. And Caramel Thunder is next. I mean, Hunico.
Mike: A rematch from last week?
Kelly: I live in Arizona. I feel like I should know more Spanish than I do.
Mike: Hunico says it’s against the law to steal from a stereotypical Boricua. Pot calling the kettle?
Kelly: I’m sorry. Did you say something? I was watching Hunico destroy Tedward. Oh. Spoke too soon.
Mike: Pop quiz! What’s Hunico’s butler’s name?
Kelly: My vagina.
Mike: I thought that was reserved for me.
Kelly: Um…Another quick pinfall tonight, in Hunico’s favor.
Mike: I like how you dodged my last comment by calling the action. Well handled.
Kelly: I’m a professional. Oh dear lord. The Yoda/Maul Brisk commercial.
Mike: I love how the Phantom Menace commercials ONLY include Maul’s scenes.
Kelly: Well, yeah. The thing that kills me is they play the Imperial March during Maul’s battle in this commercial. Um…if anything, his song is Duel of the Fates. Shamon.
Mike: I know, right?
Kelly: Ugh. Rebel scum. I just read something on Facebook that Christian recently tweeted a postcard that read “Love from Milwaukee”…no caption. Hmmm…
Mike: I miss Captain Charisma.
Kelly: As do I. I miss his jaundiced skin and skinny little legs.
Mike: Hey, it’s the Bosley Hair Club commercial featuring Chavo Guerrero!
Kelly: Not for me. Damn long-distance Smackdown viewing.
Mike: What commercial did you get?
Kelly: Some sort of mattress that appears to have magical powers and a portal to Hogwarts.
Mike: That Arizona sun must be getting to people.
Kelly: You have no idea.
Raw Rebound: HBK confronts Triple H.
Kelly: So, HBK on Raw, eh?
Mike: Yeah. “As the Ring Turns.” Triple H refuses to do the job to Calloway.
Kelly: Whatever it is, I’m mildly intrigued.
Mike: The ONLY way I’d be truly interested is if this turned into a Triple Threat.
Kelly: That’s kind of what I was thinking it would end up being. BFFs who have both failed, both wanted it in the past…I dig it.
Mike: I kind of got a little choked up when Triple H said that the Undertaker is all that’s left of an era and he doesn’t want to be the guy to end it.
Kelly: Gives me chills.
The Usos vs Epico and Primo
Mike: Here come the Usos! Maybe I’ll get to see Rosa.
Kelly: Should I be jealous? I thought I was your world?
Mike: You are, babe. Rosa’s just a floozy to look at.
Kelly: Okay, good. I’d have to scratch her eyes out or something.
Mike: Besides, Jonah Kue needs a reason to hate me.
Kelly: Well, look at you. I assume he has enough reasons.
Mike: Aww, shucks.
Kelly: Holy commercial-rape, Batman. I feel like there’s more than normal.
Mike: Yeah. I think we’ve seen five minutes of wrestling. I guess they’re saving time for this Battle Royal.
Kelly: I sure hope so.
Mike: We’re back with two tag teams that are impossible to tell apart from a distance.
Kelly: It took me six months to distinguish between Jimmy and Jey…what are they doing to me?
Mike: I think one of them actually has a tattoo with his name on it.
Kelly: I have terrible eyesight. If I remember correctly, Jey has the tattoo on his chest. Jey is like Rey, and Rey has lots of tattoos. There’s my connections. You’re welcome, guys.
Mike: Show ’em what you got, Rosa. This is actually a decent tag match.
Kelly: I actually agree. I hope they get to face off tonight. Knees up to stop the Splash, and Epico and Primo win.
Mike: I really thought the Usos would get the win tonight.
Kelly: I did too. Have they ever beaten the pair?
Mike: I don’t mind a dominant tag team, but there should at least be a plethora of pinatas….I mean tag teams to beat.
Kelly: Yeah, it’s kind of boring to watch them always win. But what do I know.
Mike: Commercials! So you’re watching the PPV at your local bar, right?
Kelly: Yup, I’ll be there. Hammered as always and hanging with my FSW boys.
Mike: I’ll be catching the show at Widro’s with Glazer.
Kelly: Sounds exciting!
Mike: Yeah, but I hate having to drive to Jersey for it.
Kelly: Oh. I take it back.
Mike: Maybe I’ll just take a plane to AZ.
Kelly: Don’t tease me, boy.
Interview Segment: Daniel Bryan heads to the ring and demands that Lillian Garcia announce him as the winner of his match against Orton by forfeit. Teddy Long interrupts and says DB has to face Sheamus instead.
Kelly: Oh hey look, we’re back with Daniel Bryan.
Mike: The Vile Vegan.
Kelly: We should turn it into a drinking game. One sip for every time he mentions it.
Mike: I don’t think I’d last long.
Kelly: What a sissy.
Mike: Daniel Bryan is actually saying that everyone is afraid of him.
Kelly: He looks more and more devious every time I see him. Atta boy.
Mike: I wish he’d be a badass heel who can actually back up what he says instead of the cowardly liar.
Kelly: That’s what they all seem to be doing lately. I liked when they just fucked shit up and laughed about it.
Mike: DB is telling the ring announcer to say he’s won by forfeit. I totally forgot he was supposed to face Orton.
Kelly: Well, a bird landed in my front yard or something, so my dogs barked over most of it and I missed it. But, Teddy Long is here now.
Kelly: Sheamus, indeed!
Mike: I am a masterful prognosticator!
Kelly: Or it was a “no shit” situation. But I’ll give it to you as we go to ANOTHER COMMERCIAL BREAK.
Mike: I don’t get how this Kane deal is supposed to bother Cena. He swallowed Eve’s face and Zack Ryder is the one who got fucked up repeatedly. Win for Johnny?
Kelly: It’s Cena. Do we really expect it to make sense?
Mike: Let’s play the commercial game. My sequence went like this: Starburst, 5-Hour Energy, Boston Market. You?
Kelly: Mine went like this: I went pee.
Mike: Flushed your grasp of the English language, too?
Kelly: Though there seems to be a fair amount of lawyers who are concerned about Mesothelioma and bad catheters.
Sheamus vs Daniel Bryan
Mike: We’re back! Either Bryan and Sheamus were kind enough to wait for two minutes before starting, or the WWE has a great editing team.
Kelly: I daresay Sheamus is getting a little predictable for me.
Mike: Michael Cole: “I like Daniel Bryan because of the way he holds onto the title.” WTF?!
Kelly: The copious amounts of nonsensical bullshit during each DB match from both announcers just ruins it for me.
Mike: DB is in full control with a running knee to the jaw. I’m glad they’re letting him look dangerous.
Kelly: He displayed some serious power for a while, but Sheamus is doing his best to get back in it.
Mike: Sheamus is back in “hoss mode” and he’s lost his damn mind!
Kelly: A male bitchslap makes for a happy Kelly. I love when they lose control.
Mike: Li’l Naitch just called for the bell as Sheamus tosses him aside!
Backstage: Teddy Long announces that there will be a Battle Royal tonight to decide the final participant in the Elimination Chamber.
Kelly: So. Much. Teddy. Long. Today. Oh, here we go. They’re talking about the mystery opponent.
Mike: Maybe Drew McIntyre?!
Kelly: “Maybe from NXT…” Could you imagine?
Mike: Abraham Washington.
Kelly: No words. None. I will never forgive you.
Mike: Braden Walker. Kassius Ohno. Jiminy Cricket.
Kelly: A baby’s arm, holding an apple.
Mike: My God, he’s a tripod.
Mike: YOU made the Austin Powers Mini-Me reference first!
Kelly: I did not! The reference was pre-Powers. Though I can’t for the life of me remember what the song was called.
Jinder Mahal vs Ezekiel Jackson
Mike: Jinder Mahal. Ugh. He should team up with Muhammad Hassan and Tiger Ali Singh.
Kelly: I’m guessing…Heath Slater is his opponent. Oh! Big Zeke!
Mike: Heath’s a heel.
Kelly: Both of them are floaters. Remember when Primo would switch between heel and face weekly on Superstars, based on his black or white wrist tape?
Mike: Big Zeke is a big floater, if you ask me. And I never watched the newer version of Superstars.
Kelly: Jinder seriously just won? That was Diva-length…
Mike: Speaking of Divas, where’s Natalya?
Kelly: Didn’t they just show her?
Mike: Not when I typed my question.
Kelly: Well, then learn to hold your horses.
Mike: Speaking of horses…here’s Tamina!
Tamina and Alicia Fox vs Natalya and Beth Phoenix
Kelly: They seem to be paying some serious attention to her.
Mike: Why not? She’s the only one who hasn’t had a shot.
Kelly: And Alicia has come a long way since wanting to become the “undefined” champion.
Mike: I wonder if Kevin Dunn plans on piping in some flatulence over the loudspeakers.
Kelly: Nice move from Nattie…locks in the Sharpshooter, and…seriously. A fart, I assume.
Mike: She should fart after Tamina lands the splash.
Kelly: Or, she should be the serious competitor that she truly is. Tamina picks up the victory, goes for another Splash on Beth, who rolls out in time.
Backstage: John Laurinaitis reminds Teddy Long that, since anyone is eligible for the Battle Royal, he’s placing David Otunga in the match tonight.
Mike: What’s worse than Teddy Long overload?
Kelly: Hitler? Listening to Bieber on repeat? Seeing Brodus Clay jiggle as he dances? TNA?
Mike: John Laurinaitis! And here he is!
Kelly: I loathe commercials. This is why Jesus invented the DVR.
Mike: I thought it was Al Gore. No, wait….that’s Manbearpig.
Kelly: He’s a misunderstood being. The Manbearpig. Not Gore.
Mike: Half man, half bear, half pig.
Kelly: Sounds like a species from Yogi Berra’s bedtime stories.
Mike: “It’s like cash, which is almost as good as money.”
Kelly: “90% of the game is half mental!”
Mike: Ah, Yogi. The only good thing to come out of the Yankees.
Kelly: WATCH YOUR MOUTH.
Mike: Mets fan 4 life!
Kelly: Oh, I hate the Yankees. But Roger Maris is my hero.
Mike: I thought you were going to start spewing Yankee sentiments. We’d be over if that were the case.
Kelly: Um, I’m an Arizona Diamondbacks fan through and through. The ’01 World Series ensured my hatred for the Skanks. Anyway, I could talk your ear off about that. Let’s go back to the wrasslin.
Mike: Well we just chatted through the Raw Rebound. I’d say that was a success.
Kelly: Yeah, what a damn soap opera it was this week.
Elimination Chamber Wild Card Battle Royal
Mike: Time for the Battle Royal to begin! I saw Santino, Curt Hawkins, the Usos….
Kelly: I’m so ready for this.
Mike: I’m gonna call some surprise entrant as the winner.
Kelly: Any guesses as to who, oh wise one?
Mike: Mick Foley.
Kelly: I feel like I can’t say anything. I know who wins!
Mike: Then I must be right!
Kelly: Okay, I’ll admit it. It’s Darth Vader.
Mike: That was a whole lotta weaksauce.
Kelly: I would be rocked.
Mike: Hey, there’s Drew McIntyre! Bateman’s eliminated.
Kelly: Holy shit, Percy Watson is still alive?
Mike: Not any more. He just got dumped.
Kelly: Wow, McIntyre flings Kidd out of the ring.
Mike: I call the final four right now: DiBiase, McIntyre, Santino, and Gabriel.
Kelly: Good guess, bro.
Mike: Yoshi Tatsu’s gone. Lots of nobodies getting dumped here.
Kelly: Hennig gone. Back from commercials, and Hawkins is gone. Curtis and Reks gone now, too.
Mike: The Tag Team Champions are turning on one another!
Kelly: I’d like to take this moment to tell everyone that since my usual wifi is MIA, I’m sitting two rooms away, squinting at the TV and trying to call the matches. So, if I sound more stupid than usual…
Mike: I gotta say, this girl is dedicated to entertaining you folks. Kudos!
Kelly: It’s all for you guys. Well, sort of for the fame and attention. But you know, mainly for you guys. Bye bye, Gabriel.
Mike: Mahal, Zeke, Drew, Otunga, and Santino left! Could you imagine if Santino actually won this thing?!
Kelly: I think I could. I mean, you KNOW it can’t be Otunga…
Mike: Final two are Otunga and Santino…
Kelly: Never in a million years would I think it would boil down to these two. And Santino will be your final entrant in the Elimination Chamber match tonight!
Mike: …………………. *SNAP*
Kelly: Could you elaborate for our fine readers?
Kelly: Not really sure what to say. So, how do you feel about tonight’s PPV now?
Kelly: I think someone needs to call a doctor for Mr. Gojira.
Mike: No, I…I’m good now.
Kelly: Are you sure, do you need anything? A sip of water? A cold compress? A beer?
Mike: I don’t know what’s real anymore!!!!!!
Kelly: Well, honey, why don’t you go lie down.
Mike: Sure thing. Where’s your lap?
Kelly: Right over here, sugar plum.
Mike: Anywho, I guess that does it for this week.
Kelly: Yup. Join us in two days for more action!
Mike: And maybe Santino Marella as World Heavyweight Champion.
Kelly: Oh dear lord. Thanks for reading our nonsense!
Mike: So long, and thanks for all the…Cobras?
Tags: alicia fox, Beth Phoenix, big show, Booker T, Camacho, Cody Rhodes, Daniel Bryan, David Otunga, Divas Championship, Elimination Chamber, Epico, Ezekiel Jackson, Great Khali, hunico, Jinder Mahal, John Laurinaitis, Josh Mathews, Kelly Floyd, Lillian Garcia, Mark Henry, Michael Cole, Mike Gojira, Natalya, Primo, randy orton, Rosa Mendes, Santino Marella, sheamus, Smackdown, tamina, ted dibiase, Teddy Long, the usos, Wade Barrett, World Heavyweight Championship, WWE