Surprise! This week the recap goes back to the old format on account of Kelly’s DVR giving her the middle finger. That’s what you get for living in the middle of the Arizona desert, I suppose. Don’t worry, the animal magnetism we so clearly display for one another will be back next week.
Consider this a reprieve.
On a side note, I spent two hours in NYC traffic with Glazer to hit Widro’s place in New Jersey on Sunday in order to watch one of the most lackluster shows in a long time…needless to say, the evening was a mess.
Daniel Bryan and AJ head to the ring and I gotta say AJ is looking pretty good. At this point, Kelly would make some jealous comment and I’d ignore her. Sigh. DB brings up Money in the Bank and says that he declared he’d main event Wrestlemania back in July and no one believed him. Technically, he did say that; just not AS World Heavyweight Champion. Bryan name-drops Santino as Rocky Balboa and says that the champ is actually the underdog. “Yo AJ, I did it!” he crows. The crowd chants for CM Punk as DB says Sheamus ruined his big moment. He guarantees that he will ruin Sheamus’s moment at Wrestlemania. Statistics say he’s right, based on the last few years’ worth of Rumble winners.
Surprisingly, The Miz hits the ring. I suppose this is some sort of mutual respect thing now that DB is a heel. He tries to take credit for DB’s success and suggests they form a tag team. Kiss ass much, Mizanin? Before Daniel Bryan can respond, Sheamus interrupts. He calls Bryan a coward and I smell a sneak attack from The Miz. Just as I typed that, DB slaps Sheamus and Miz hits him in the back. Sheamus fights back and Miz takes a breather outside the ring as we head to commercial.
What a difference a year makes, eh? Miz was an afterthought in Cena and Rock’s confrontation last year and now he’s an afterthought in Sheamus vs Daniel Bryan.
Sheamus vs The Miz
When we return, Miz is trapped in an arm bar in the center of the ring. This transitions into Sheamus’s clubbing blows in the ropes which forces Miz to collapse on the outside. As the fight continues, Cole actually says that Miz needs to EARN a title opportunity. Looks like he’s got a new favorite. Miz attacks Sheamus’s arm repeatedly, which is stupid because the Great White mostly wins via Brogue Kick and Miz does not use arm submissions. But what do I know? Sheamus builds momentum with running axe handles and a backbreaker for two. Miz counters a power slam with his back/neckbreaker combo for two. The SCF is countered into an arm drag, the Brogue Kick is ducked, Miz rolls up Sheamus but he escapes, and Miz walks right into the Emerald Fusion and he’s done.
Teddy Long and Aksana are in his office. I hope she’s better at sex than she is at elbow drops. In Soviet Russia, elbow drops you! John Laurinaitis and David Otunga appear and Teddy makes a bad joke about where Johnny Ace’s office is tonight (hint: it’s the bathroom).
They should’ve named that new “John Carter” movie after me instead. Imagine that.
“Where are you going this Friday?”
“To the movies to watch ‘Mike Gojira’.”
Kofi Kingston and R-Truth vs Dolph Ziggler and Jack Swagger w/ Vickie Guerrero
Looks like we have new tag team champions come Wrestlemania if this new pairing of Truth and Kingston is any indication. I wonder what it’s like to be a real tag team like the Usos and realize that they have no real future in the company. Ziggler is in control of Truth, but a botched leap into the corner allows R-Truth to get the hot tag. Kofi hits a flying cross body for a two count. Swagger and Truth battle on the outside, which allows Ziggler to hit the Zig Zag on Kingston for the win. Hmmm. Maybe these two teams will meet at Wrestlemania?
A “Silence of the Lambs” musical parody is currently running here in New York. I actually want to see how absurd it is.
A recap of the announcement of Ron Simmons to the 2012 WWE Hall of Fame is shown. DAMN!!!
Santino is backstage training his Cobra to knock over Beer Pong cups when Heath Slater tosses all the cups to the floor. Santino responds with what appears to be a squirt bottle in his Cobra sock puppet, turning it into a Spitting Cobra. Slater sells it like Xenomorph saliva. Jeez.
This CM Punk/Chris Brown Twitter feud is going to amount to nothing. Why are they bothering to mention it? I suppose any publicity is good publicity on the Road to Wrestlemania.
The Great Khali vs Drew McIntyre
Rumor has it that McIntyre is going to get a career makeover as soon as this losing streak ends. Khali ends it in literally ten seconds after a Punjabi Plunge.
Big Show tells Matt Striker he’s going to murder Cody Rhodes after he knocks out Mark Henry tonight.
What the fuck?! We just had two three-minute segments in a row. Are they saving time for the Punk/Bryan match so there are no commercial interruptions?
Mark Henry vs Big Show
Show absolutely destroys Henry in the corner but Henry ducks a WMD and takes control, taking Show off his feet. Big Show fights his way back to his feet but his rally is cut short by a clothesline. Henry keeps Show grounded and talks shit to Wight. “You in my house! I call the shots tonight!” Show fights back from the corner and nails a Spear! He calls for a Choke Slam but Cody Rhodes interrupts. He presents “Another Embarrassing Big Show Wrestlemania Moment” on the Titantron. The clip is from Wrestlemania XXI where Show lost to Akebono in a sumo contest. Henry takes advantage with a body slam and splash, but Show kicks out! He wins the match with a WMD as Cody looks on in shock.
So I guess the story here is simple: Rhodes will continue to make fun of Show’s win-loss record at Wrestlemania just so he can beat the Intercontinental Champion this year and shut Rhodes up. I’m not looking forward to that at all.
Ezekiel Jackson vs David Otunga
This is a rematch from last night’s implausible loss Jackson suffered at the hands of Otunga. Lillian absolutely murders Laurinaitis’s intro as he dances like a buffoon in mockery of Teddy Long. Jackson assaults Otunga in the corner with a series of devastating clotheslines. Big Zeke calls for the Torture Rack but David reaches the ropes. He comes back with a Spinebuster and big, bad Zeke is done after one move. Pathetic.
I think it’s clear the ONLY draw tonight is the Champion vs Champion main event, based on the quick matches we’ve seen so far. That’s okay with me as long as we get a real and lengthy match out of it.
We get a Raw Rebound of Eve’s absurdly stupid heel turn in front of a cameraman. Even if Cena WASN’T directly behind her, he would have seen the footage. So let me get this straight: the only thing that came out of this asinine Kane/Cena “Embrace the Hate” storyline was an Eve heel turn. A pointless heel turn, mind you.
CM Punk chats backstage with Matt Striker. Punk says he’s all for Teddy Long running both Raw and Smackdown. He gives Daniel Bryan the rub, saying he’s a champ because he’s good at what he does…”but if he tells AJ to shave her head I’m gonna sue him for copyright infringement.” HA! Punk goes on to say he’s going to teach DB what it’s like to lose tonight.
Someone in the crowd has a “CM Sux” sign. Good luck trying to be a rabble-rouser, kid.
CM Punk vs Daniel Bryan
Cole has the nerve to bring up the damn Twitter war again. Who gives a shit? Chris Brown is a tool who uses his childhood as an excuse for putting his hands on a woman. Let’s get to the match! Bryan works over Punk’s arm at the start but the WWE Champion turns it into a headlock. Both guys try to gain momentum as we head to a commercial.
Twenty minutes left…I really hope this match is worth it.
We’re back with DB in control with a headlock but Punk maneuvers out of it. DB traps Punk in the corner with vicious kicks to his left arm as Punk sells it like he’s Wade Barrett (too soon?). Oddly enough, Punk’s right arm is wrapped up in tape; wouldn’t logic dictate that you attack THAT one? DB continues to assault Punk, stopping any amount of offense from the WWE Champion. Punk gets a moment to breath after a back suplex is modified into a backbreaker. Punk now with a series of kicks and they trade finisher attempts. DB bails the ring but Sheamus is there to toss him back in! No DQ call from referee Scott Armstrong as Punk lands a terrific kick to the side of Bryan’s head! One, two, three?! That’s….it? Really? John Laurinaitis comes out and says that, due to outside interference, the match will continue. That’s a first. Wouldn’t that lead to a reversal of the ref’s decision?
Although that was an odd moment, I’m sure it was designed so that both men can get a win over the other. Which means I expect Jericho to fuck over Punk in the closing moments.
We’re back and DB is in control. During the break, Punk had thrown Bryan into the barricade on the outside and then mocked his victory celebration. Back to the present now as DB uses the ropes for leverage and gets the pin! Teddy Long stops Bryan’s celebration to continue the match…again. The champs trade punches and reversals until Punk back suplexes Bryan out of the ring! He follows that up with a suicide dive through the ropes! They get back in the ring and Bryan gets back in control with a rather nasty running missile dropkick in the corner! Ouch! DB sets up Punk for a Super Hurracanrana but Punk rolls through for a pin attempt! Bryan kicks out at two and nails Punk in the chest with a kick! Punk ducks another kick and tries to roll DB up, but it’s countered into the Lebell Lock! Punk fights out, slingshots Bryan into the turnbuckle, and lands another huge kick to the side of the head! Bryan survives by getting his foot on the ropes after a pin attempt. Punk goes to the top for his Macho Elbow but the World Heavyweight Champion is up and he crotches Punk on the ropes! Punk headbutts DB back to the mat but DB is back on him! Another time DB gets forced to the mat, but AGAIN he stops Punk’s offense! Huge superplex from Bryan and both men are pinning each other! The ref counts to three and we have a stalemate! In a bizarre moment, Teddy Long defends the Raw champ as Laurinaitis defends the Smackdown champ! They get into a shouting match and Teddy leaves the ring in anger as the show ends.
That was a great ending sequence. There was no way they’d let either guy look better than the other because the WWE booked themselves into a corner by putting both champions against one another. I would LOVE to see a title unification between those two. It would tear the house down in terms of match quality.
Catch me on Thursday with a new edition of The Stomping Ground, and next week with a new Obnoxious WWE Smackdown Breakdown. If you missed last week’s, click here.
So long, and thanks for all the fish.
