The soundtrack for today’s episode of THE RAGER is Them Crooked Vultures and all bands related to them.
I’m Chris, this is my twitter. Follow me to the great beyond.
Let’s talk about some wrestling, ay?
Elimination Chamber
Thank you, WWE, for turning one of my favorite PPVs to look forward to all year into a hot, boring pile of dead carcass. I mean, the company has only been around for 60 years so I can’t expect them to fully grasp the idea of showmanship which explains why the only match anyone was looking forward to watching went first.
I wanted to believe in the theory that the match went first to make way for some sort of shenanigans in response to the nature of Jericho’s departure from the chamber.
Least surprising moment: CM Punk winning.
Most surprising moment: Miz was allowed to last more than 5 minutes after the slump he finds himself in.
Then we got a Divas match featuring the champ and challenger that we’ve hardly seen on regular weekly broadcasting because they aren’t deep sea diving down Cena’s throat (oh snap).
Least surprising moment: Tamina actually put up a fight, she has plenty of talent if she develops more and I would prefer she distance herself from her dad’s gimmicks.
Most surprising moment: Nothing, until I hear Kharma’s music at the end of a match, nothing diva-related can take me by surprise anymore.
The only good thing that came out of the “support Johnny Ace” segment was that Otunga has inadvertently created yet another meme for the internets to omnom on. My reaction was totes mcgoats like “lulz“.
As for the “other” Elimination bout, I’m afraid I really have nothing constructive to say because it was indubitably boring for a Chamber match. I wasn’t really impressed with the idea of Show breaking into the top of Daniel Bryan’s chamber and climbing in. It’s a big guy crammed into a tight, confined space and we’re supposed to be convinced that Show’s efforts were somehow effective? He could barely move to do anything to Bryan, who simply weaselled out the second his pod door opened. After Show was eliminated, the match got a little more interesting. I was ok with Bryan and Santino being the last two. It played up to the Cinderella story WWE was pushing all night and gave Bryan a strong finish with his LeBell Lock.
Least surprising moment: Someone finally kicked out of The Cobra.
Most surprising moment: The first person to kick out of it wasn’t someone further up the company hierarchy.
The Santino training videos should have comprised the full quota of wacky comedy segments. We don’t need another Natalya fart video, end of story. I know other writers have voiced their disapproval on this subject and they’re a lot more eloquent than I am so I leave it at that. Do you agree, gif of Chris Masters that I’m overusing? Glad for the approval.
The only thing I have to say about the “am-ba-lance” match is that it finished up the horrid Cena/Kane baby-town frolics and tied it with a nice bow. Congrats to WWE for keeping Cena occupied, thumbs up.
RAW
We opened with Eve showing her cards, revealing that she’d only been using Ryder so she could get to Cena and “show him her cards” (awww yeeeeeeeaaaaah). Cena went out and made a mockery of Eve, rising above hate, anti-bullying attempts and the struggling energy drink company that was so excited to promo their newest flavor “skank juice.” Way to crush a crippled economy, John.
Ron Simmons getting the HoF nod is awesome that’s really all there is to it!
Otunga actually won a match cleanly against Big Zeke? That’s not gonna sit well with too many people.
I’m glad HHH added the Hell in a Cell twist to their match, it was really one of the few routes to go to get me re-interested in another Taker/HHH Mania match. Plus, we always get regular-type matches for Mania so this definitely works for me for the simple notion of doing something else for a change.
Gotta hand it to Cena for quite a fantastic promo. I considered it to be one of best of recent memory and put me on his side for Mania. I was annoyed with Rock last year after WM 27 and that annoyance has only grown sense then (mostly during the Raw that became his personal birthday party). So if WWE wants me (because I’m totally a wanted commodity) to go back to Rock’s side, he’d better do something pretty awesome and change up his message for once.
The final 10-man match proved to be even more brutal than the Chamber pay-per-view was. I know it doesn’t help that most of them were already battered and bruised before the match even started. I rewatched the match just now and Wade’s arm did look pretty messed up. It’s a real shame that he’ll most likely miss WM 28 after finally building some individual momentum as of late.
Not sure what to make of Cody assisting Jericho eliminate Show at the end and I really hope they don’t start a Cody/Big Show feud… or a Big Show feud with anyone, for that matter.
Smackdown
Woo, 3 straight nights of live WWE broadcast… not at all wearing thin on me.
They’re trying hard to make Daniel Bryan’s vegan schtick as effective as Punk’s straight edge society but I just don’t see it being anywhere close. I do admit that I was wrong all this time that I refuse to believe WWE would actually keep the belt on Bryan til WM.
After watching Miz and Daniel Bryan interact, I would almost be ok with the two be attached together somehow. Miz could talk for Bryan and Bryan could wrestle for the Miz.
And Miz’s slump continues
So have they been using the Oxana (spelled how they pronounce it, right?) story just to off Teddy Long as GM all this time?
So we’re gonna just assume there’ll be a tag match at WM so that Ziggles, Swags, R-Hooch and Kofi have something to do. Might as well get the belt off of team Hispanic Stereotype before then too.
I don’t know what I’m more disappointed about: Drew McIntyre jobbing to Great Khali or Great Khali still being on my TV.
Why exactly would Big Show be running into Cody Rhodes at the swimming pool? He did say that, right?
As much as I hate the idea of Cody having a feud with Big Show, I absolutely love the idea of “Cody Presents” video series.
As much as it pains me to say, Otunga made his finisher look pretty impressive against Jackson… I really hate that pose he’s started doing, though. Put this alleged Harvard degree to better use and come up with something else.
I’m usually greatly annoyed with this sort of thing but I’m really glad both GM’s kept ordering Punk vs. Bryan to continue. That match was just brilliant, there’s nothing else to say.
The more this goes on, the more and more scared I get about the possibility of a GM vs. GM match.
In Other News: Over the course of writing the column, the whole CM Punk and Chris Brown twitter fiasco really heated up. If you haven’t yet watched Punk’s video, please do so and feel the pride of being a wrestling fan for having a guy like him represent the industry. What appalled me was the realization that people still support Brown and forget the atrocities he committed. Sure, people should be willing to forgive people who mend their ways, but Brown’s arrogance shows that his punishment didn’t do any good in changing his mind on what he did. After this, however, I do hope that Punk drops the issue – not out of cowardice, but simply to be the better man by not arguing any longer with sheer, stubborn stupidity. But Punk, for the noble words you have spoken so far, approval-Chris Masters and myself salute you.
Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do twice,
Chris
The Answer:
The World is Not a Safe Place
The world is not a safe place for lovers.
For instance, mine was hit by a bus.
(from B is For Bad Poetry)
