Welcome back to “Interinactivity”. The last couple weeks, I’ve posted the “Air Up There” articles, which are a bit of a break from my usual style. I posted those to give people kind of a window into why I, despite still enjoying some wrestling the odd time… don’t have a whole lot of respect for the wrestling industry as a whole, nor the major companies that make up such a big part of it.
This week, it’s back to the old routine of daring to write not-serious articles about a fake sport. Let’s set some people straight, tell some stories, break some hearts, and introduce a new addition to the Interinactivity articles that you’ll see towards the end of this one.
James Alsop: Blair, seriously, what’s with “Shaemus”? You’ve been misspelling it for so long now that I’m sure it must be intentional, but really, why? It’s kinda removed from context now, isn’t it…? So far removed as to not make any sense to new readers, I mean.
Blair: I try to be conscious of my spelling and grammar as a rule, and I think I do all right… but if readers, new or otherwise, actually give a shit or even notice how I spell “Shaemus”, the name of someone who doesn’t matter, then they have much bigger problems. They should stop reading this right now and go tackle them.
Yes, Shaemus is probably going to win the belt at WrestleMania, but just like I said it would, the Shaemus narrative has already changed from “Shaemus is over!” to “Shaemus is over… but…” in a matter of months. It’ll continue in that direction, and before too long, you’ll care as much about that as you would if I mis-spelled Vladamir Kozlov’s name. In the meantime, just to make a point, I can’t be assed to change it. Shaemus. Shaemus Shaemus Shaemus.
Besides, if I really wanted to get sticky on spelling, I’d point out the fact that everyone misspells the name of the title that Shaemus is fighting for. You guys spell it “World Heavyweight Title”. The correct spelling is “ECW Title”. (Not the good one. The Sy-Fy one.)
James Carter: Read something from one of my favorite columnists like Andrew Wheeler, Scott Keith or Blair A. Douglas and tell me that it’s not funny, clever or well-argued. More often than not they usually are all three.
Blair: Wow. Former President James Carter.
Seriously though, thanks. Me, Wheeler and Keith. That’s good company for me to be in, right there.
Sideshow Bob: What’s with Barrett’s trunks? Or is he bleeding from the ass?
Blair: Oh, here we go. Typical anti-WWE-commenter. Ragging on someone because they don’t approve of how their got their current push.
Nixgame25: jericho will win shemus will challange him for wrestlemania but cm punk will ask for rematch so it will be a triple threat match at wrestlemania
Blair: Ugh, I hope not. Triple Threats by definition are no fun. There are a couple exceptions, of course – that one from WrestleMania 20 with Benoit, Triple H and Michaels was good. But what other Triple Threats can you remember that were ACTUALLY good? Plus, this one has Shaemus in it, and that’s a major hurdle.
Mike Gojira: Hey, did you know Blair Douglas faps to this?
Kelly Floyd: I’d prefer not to. I guess I’m just more surprised he even has exterior genitalia.
Blair: I just said that to try to help Gojira’s self-esteem. Sorry, you two crazy kids, but unlike you, who can actually sit through entire episodes of SmackDown… I got standards.
Shamon Of Hedon: Blair Douglas does indeed lack external genitalia, as all non-British Columbian Canadian men do. I however, do not.
Blair: That’s right, we all know that the only real men that Canada has are fresh from the only hippie province in the country.
Adam Mason: I can’t believe no one here see what they’re doing though. Think about it, there is no way WWE has built up all of the tension between Johnny Ace and CM Punk for it to just fade away. Punk loses the belt to Jericho tonight, probably through some interference by Ace, and Punk goes on to fight The Executive Vice President of Talent Relations and the Interim RAW General Manager, Mr. John Lauranitis at Wrestlemania.
Blair: I can’t believe no one saw it either. I guess because that’s not what they aired.
Cinmaybhavke: i still yhink that john will win john wasa champ and he is a champ this will be a best match in life
Blair: Great comment.
Ageless Stranger: Pritchard and Lagana should bring some basic writing skills to the equation.
Blair: I’d be curious to know what you’re basing this on.
James Carter: I think the only stars WWE has that could be recognized by the general public are Jericho (game show host, vh1 talking head and reality show contestant) and the Miz (MTV).
Blair: Other than the Dancing With The Stars thing, and even that is a stretch… people who don’t watch wrestling likely would never recognize Jericho or Miz from any of the rest of that. Especially anything on MTV. The only reason that even you know that they were on that fine list of programs is because WWE and the IWC take every opportunity they can find to remind you of that, so that we can all pretend that wrestling is still “mainstream”.
James Carter: Frankly it’d be nice if he had free healthcare supporting him. I think injuries require cash, and not the high fives and well wishes from people going to theme parks.
Blair: I could not agree with this more.
Anonymous RAW GM: Just being honest, I am kind of sick of the “I’m better than thou” attitude, the middleschool toilet-humor, and the movie/tv references in articles. Scott Keith has been doing it for years. It’s time to change it up.
Blair: So you’re the anonymous RAW GM. You call that a comment, you son of a bitch? You’re a nice guy? I don’t give a shit. A good father? Fuck you, go home and play with your kids. You think this is abuse, you c*cksucker? Get off the comment board. Comments are for closers.
Speaking of closers, it’s time for my new segment… this is something that I’ll hopefully be doing every week.
If I don’t respond directly to your e-mail, comment, or tweet, then chances are, it’s covered in this section. We would all do well to abide by my…
New Rule #1: People need to stop acting like they’d be thrilled, appalled, or surprised if Santino Marella actually won the World Heavyweight Title. This would not be that big of a surprise – even just last year, a guy who’d been a low-card comedy act for a lot longer won that very same title. His name was Mark Henry.
New Rule #2: People need to stop pretending that there’s going to be a huge change in a wrestling show for better or worse just because one person got added, removed, promoted, or demoted from a writing staff. This week, TNA removed Vince Russo and many people believed they’d see an immediate change. In the last 6 or 7 years, Scott D’amore, Vince Russo, Glenn Gilbertti, Jeff Jarrett, Dusty Rhodes, Eric Bischoff, Hulk Hogan, Terry Taylor, Bruce Pritchard, Dave Lagana, Kurt Angle, Dixie Carter, and others have, at some point or another, been involved in the writing or creative process at TNA. Try to remember that none of these names being added or removed from the lineup caused any serious changes in TNA (besides Eric Bischoff and Hulk Hogan, which was a drastic change for the worse) because, simply put, there’s too many clowns in that car for just one person to have that much of an impact on that product. So, the next time there’s a change in “creative” at a wrestling company, involving a name you really know nothing about, instead of commenting… just shut up.
New Rule #3: If you don’t give a shit about the United States Title, then you don’t really need to have a United States Title. No one is forcing you to keep it around, and, if you got rid of it, likely the casual fan wouldn’t even notice. Seriously though, those belts probably weigh 20 pounds, and this one in particular is not doing anything for anyone. I’m sure even Fake Kurt Angle doesn’t want to be paying extra in baggage claim fees at the airport if the belt isn’t helping him.
New Rule #3 And A Half: Speaking of Jack Swagger, if you don’t give a shit about Jack Swagger… then you don’t need to have a Jack Swagger. No one is forcing you to keep him around, and if you got rid of… well, you get the idea.
New Rule #4: Stop complaining about John Cena not turning “heel”. After the most hate-filled year that John Cena’s ever experienced, which is saying something, many of us assumed that wrestling fans would stop with this nonsense. But seriously, let’s take off the crash helmets and think about something that the smarter people among us have known for years.
Who would be pissed off if John Cena turned heel? Kids and young adults. Kids and young adults who are buying his merchandise.
And who really WANTS John Cena to turn heel? Adults. Adults who don’t buy any of John Cena’s merchandise.
And do you know what really pisses off those adults? That John Cena ISN’T turning. And that’s why they boo him. And that’s what makes him a heel to those adults anyway. So why would WWE even remotely consider bothering to turn him just to piss off those kids and young adults who are buying that merchandise, when NOT turning him is pissing off the people that want him to turn INFINITELY more than ACTUALLY turning him EVER could. Hell, if they did turn him heel, many of those adults would probably start cheering him.
And guess what? WWE knows this. They pay attention. They know they’ve found the sweet spot. Kids and young adults buy the merchandise, buy into the sympathy angle that they’re now doing, cheer him regardless, and WWE gets to look like an anti-bullying company. Adults boo him without WWE ever needing to turn him heel or walk away from that merchandising revenue, and the more they refuse to turn him, the more the adults are hating him anyway. They’ve even got those adults buying “Cena Sucks” merchandise now, and I for one can’t believe that it took them this long to start selling that t-shirt.
You don’t really need John Cena to turn so that you can boo him or tell him he sucks. Nor do you need to have EVERYONE hate him so that you can boo him or tell him he sucks. You can just boo him or tell him he sucks. You’ve been doing it up to this point anyway. It turns out that many of you have actually been on board with this for years. You just didn’t realize it.
New Rule #5: If the WWE is trying to sell a super-serious end-of-the-world last-of-their-generation Hell-In-A-Cell apocalypse match… then they need to make the promos sound less like the script of a hastily written gay porno.
TRIPLE H: You want this?
UNDERTAKER: I want it.
TRIPLE H: I know you think I can’t take you.
UNDERTAKER: I know you can’t take me.
TRIPLE H: I know I can.
UNDERTAKER: Let’s find out.
TRIPLE H: All right, fine! You wanna get it on?
UNDERTAKER: You know I wanna get it on.
TRIPLE H: Well then, you got it! LET’S GET IT ON!
UNDERTAKER: Oh, we’re gonna fucking get it on, all right.
TRIPLE H: You know what? You know what? Just getting it on isn’t enough. We need to go ALL THE WAY.
UNDERTAKER: I’m SO fucking ready to go all the way.
TRIPLE H: Well then, we are GONNA go ALL THE WAY! Let’s get it on… IN A CAGE!
UNDERTAKER: I can’t fucking WAIT to get it on in a cage.
TRIPLE H: Have I said “Suck It” yet?
UNDERTAKER: Not yet.
TRIPLE H: Well… SUCK IT!
UNDERTAKER: So fucking hot.
That’s it for “Interinactivity”, and I hope everyone enjoyed my “New Rules” segment.
Before I go, you should check out Wrestling Facts, for some hilarious wrestling “facts”. Like this gem: Andre The Giant once fell asleep during a match. (It was HHH .vs. Taker.)
Thanks for reading, and have a great weekend, and remember: i still yhink that john will win john wasa champ and he is a champ this will be a best match in life
I’ll be in my trailer.
Tags: Abyss, AJ Styles, Anderson, Angle, beer money, Bischoff, Bully Ray, Cena, chris jericho, christian, Chyna, cm punk, Crystal, CZW, D-Von, Daniels, DGUSA, dixie carter, Dreamer, edge, FD Swayze, Flair, Fortune, Hardy, Harris, Hogan, immortal, impact, Jarrett, jericho, Kaz, miz, NXT, Orton, pope, Raw, Rob Van Dam, ROH, Roode, Sabin, Samoa Joe, Shelley, Smackdown, STD, Steiner, Sting, storm, suicide, Swayze, Team 3D, TNA, TNA Wrestling, vince, WaterDrip, WWE, Y2J, Yob