That Being Said: TNA Impact Wrestling Report for 03.01.2012 – Bobby Roode, Jeff Hardy, Hulk Hogan

Motherfucker.

So, we lost another TNA Impact recapper. Well, not really, but apparently his TV isn’t allowing him to see Impact at the moment. That’s a pretty smart TV, I’d say. That notwithstanding, it still leaves us with a gap in our ever-so-important TNA Impact coverage. Being the company man to the marrow of my bone, I offered to fill in for the interim. That’s dedication right there.

Maybe Adam will come back. Maybe he won’t. TNA does weird stuff to people. It’s eaten like 3 people since I stopped covering it last year. It causes you to go crazy, like that one guy in that one movie who gets fucked with over and over again until he just snaps and decides to drive through a brick wall in a van and blow everyone away with a SPAS12 shotgun, and then… just… retires… to some… island… and fucks… hot sluts all day? I don’t know. Something like that.

That last PPV that I did where football guy got crippled was pretty bad, except for that Shelley / Aries match, and sort of one other one. But that ending just made me cringe. Yet all I hear these days is how good Impact is right now. I guess we’ll see.

 

TNA Impact Wrestling

So, I see a video package of what’s been going on since the PPV. Which is helpful because I haven’t kept up with TNA since then. It appears Sting is in the main event now against Bobby Roode.

Backstage, Kurt Angle is drunk and has cue cards so that he can remember why he did what he did to Jeff Hardy. We are off to an awesome start.

New opening for Impact. It’s a lot better than the old one.

Kurt Angle comes out. He says he’s been gone. The Impact Zone is mostly quiet. Kurt doesn’t like Jeff Hardy because he has lots of hair, and Kurt doesn’t. Jeff paints his hair, but Kurt says that doesn’t make you a champion. The crowd chants for Hardy. Kurt doesn’t like that Hardy wears makeup and puts socks on his arms. Kurt doesn’t like that Hardy shows up late to signings and also doesn’t like that girls like Jeff Hardy. Kurt says that girls dig him too. Kurt says he has over 100 Kurt Angle action figures, posters, t-shirts, but that his kid has Jeff Hardy posters on the wall, Jeff Hardy action figures on the wall, a Jeff Hardy t-shirt on, and wearing makeup. Kurt’s kid sounds like a huge loser to me. Anyway, people are chanting for Hardy now. Kurt calls Hardy out.

Jeff Hardy has some new terrible music I haven’t heard yet. But he looks relatively normal this time around. I was hoping for some more Willo ‘Th Whisp attire like at the PPV. Angle trash-talks him for a bit and makes a match for Victory Road. Then they brawl, and officials separate them. Then Jeff gets all Twilight and accepts Angle’s challenge.

Bobby Roode is backstage. He says he’s the IT Factor, because if he says it enough, it’ll be true. He then demonstrates how much of an IT guy he is by cutting a slow, generic promo. Austin Aries comes up to greet him. Austin says that because they both dress nice and drink red wine, they’re on the same page. Are they coming out? Why does everyone come out when I’m recapping? Anyway, I guess Aries Tweeted something and they both don’t like Sting.

 

Daniels comes out and talks some bullshit. I guess AJ has demanded that if he beats Daniels, then Daniels has to tell him the truth about their “relationship”. Kaz then accepts on Daniels’ behalf. I guess that’s legally binding in TNA, so Styles dives on Daniels and the match starts.

Gauntlet Match
AJ Styles .vs. Christopher Daniels

Tenay and Taz wonder about the relationship between Daniels and Kaz. They also talk about how there are Knockouts coming later. And how we’re going to get an update on Jesse Sorensen. Anything they can think of to avoid talking about this actual wrestling match. AJ in control for much of the match. Good suplex partway through.

Commercial. Absolutely AMAZING Matt Morgan Direct Auto Insurance commercial where he’s really able to show off his acting chops.

Back on the show, AJ leaves the ring to question Kaz, because apparently he’s an idiot. Daniels jumps him from behind and starts to stomp him in the ring. Back-body drop by Daniels. More stomps. Chant for AJ. The announcers continue to find other things to talk about instead of calling this match. This time it’s about Zema Ion. AJ ducks a clothesline and hits a Pele. AJ hits some clotheslines and a spin-kick. Then a springboard. AJ with the suplex-neckbreaker combo that looks fantastic. 2-count. Daniels counters AJ’s clothesline with a judo takedown.

Kaz comes in and hits his reverse tombstone and gets Daniels DQ’d. Daniels is confused.

Winner by DQ: AJ Styles

AJ Styles .vs. Kaz

Then Kaz pins AJ.

Winner: Kaz

Daniels is upset. They leave. Decent enough I suppose, but over-booked as all hell.

 

The girl who I’m pretty sure is Madison is hanging giant photos of Gail Kim. She says she made “marketing” blow them up for Gail. Gail thanks her and says she has a surprise. They’re going to a spa. Madison reacts like a small child. Then Gail has another surprise for Madison, that she has to fight ODB tonight. Madison says she only wants the first surprise. Gail leaves. Now that’s a clear-cut situation with the promise of comedy.

Commercial. Anyone who rents a TV for 30 bucks a week, let alone actually believes they’re not using “credit” shouldn’t be allowed to control their own money anymore.

Okay. So there’s a completely batshit insane commercial for some kind of TNA merchandise. In it, TNA Knockouts throw basketballs around and ODB beats up a referee. It’s like all the commercials tonight need to feature a certain amount of TNA stars. And they’re choosing the ones who can’t act.

 

Madison Rayne (w/ Gail Kim) .vs. ODB (w/ Eric Young)

Good to see Eric Young is still employed. It’s nice that he still has to act retarded for some reason. Speaking of Knockouts, why does Joseph Hargrove not comment on my articles anymore? Is it because I think 90% of women’s wrestling is bullshit?

Anyway, this sucked. At one point ODB attempted a bronco buster so Madison just shoved her boot right up ODB’s vag. That was pretty funny, but doesn’t stop ODB. ODB hits the bronco buster anyway while Eric Young acts retarded some more.

Then I don’t understand what happened. Gail Kim attempts to get up on the apron several times but fails. Taz makes a joke about it, then ODB hits a move and wins.

Winner: ODB

Tenay makes sure to tell us that this ISN’T the last we’ll see of the Knockouts tonight. Thank God.

I guess Bully Ray is mad at Brandon Jacobs, who is in TNA for some reason. I guess Storm brought him in. He’s yelling at some girl about it. No idea who it is. This doesn’t make any sense at all. Aries and Roode show up and blame Sting for everything.

 

Okay, so then, Velvet Sky literally just says “I’ve been in this compa…” and then two other girls just jump her immediately before the first sentence even makes it out of her mouth. I don’t know who jumped her because the camera-work was so bad. They started beating the living shit out of her right away, and then they went to commercial like 2 seconds later. No fucking idea what that shit was about.

Commercial.

Then we come back, and relive the same segment again. The only difference this time is that they don’t cut to commercial. This is fucking amazing. They couldn’t have just aired it after the commercial? We needed to preview this?!?! Now I can see that the attackers are Angelina, and the other one I think is one of the Mexican girls. They kick her ass. They pick her up, and Velvet tells them to let her go. They give her a shove and she dives into a wall and swears for like 5 seconds. Then Mickie James comes up, dressed like some basket-ball playing hippie, and asks her if she’s okay. Velvet screams that NO SHE IS NOT OKAY! SHE IS NOT OKAY! Segment over. Yeah.

Ric Flair talks to Bischoff’s kid. Gunner and Bischoff are there. Flair tells the kid to go away. He gives the kid a week to do… something. Go away maybe. The kid says that he’s his own man and walks away. Segment over.

Backstage, Bully Ray is walking with Roode and Aries. Commercial. All of that happened really fast. I’m having a hard time keeping up.

 

Roode, Aries and Ray come out. Roode grabs the mic, and his promos has kind of morphed into a kind of white noise to me. Roode is mad at Sting for “booking” himself into the main event. INSYDER. Roode says he’s done, and that he’s not fighting Sting at the PPV. Because he can also make matches. Ray wants people to look at his thighs. Ray says that Sting let Brandon Jacobs into the Impact Zone.  Ray then says it was emberassing. To illustrate this, he has them show it on the screen over and over again. Ray also says he is “done”. Aries has also had enough of Sting. And he also talks about Ray’s calves. Aries also says he’s “done”.

Then they all sit down in the ring. I guess they’re saying this is “work stoppage”. Taz says they’re holding up the show. Except that everyone knows this show is taped.

Lights go down, and then they come up and Sting is in the ring. They all seem very surprised considering they called him out. Sting says he was kidding when HE said he was done. He asks if they’re kidding. They say they’re not. Sting says he’s taking the belts away from Roode and Aries. They seem surprised by this. Then he tells Ray that Ray won’t get paid if he quits. Ray seems to consider this – seems odd he wouldn’t have considered that already. Then Sting asks them if they’re sure they’re done.

Sting then makes a match with Roode, Ray and Aries against Joe, Magnus, and James Storm. They’re mad. Sting leaves.

Commercial. At MyLife.com, you can find out if you’re being stalked. And then, if the commercial is to believed, you’re supposed to be REALLY happy about it.

 

Jesse Sorensen video package. His mom is upset. Jesse says things are going to get better and that he prays a lot. His mom makes him promise not to give up on his dream, and says they’re going to get him back in the ring. Nice video package – a bit dramatic, but it works. They’d have to work pretty hard to fuck this u…

Now Zema Ion is saying that he’s glad he crippled Jesse Sorensen. And equilibrium has been restored.

 

Zema Ion .vs. Shannon Moore

Ion messes up Shannon, because Shannon sucks. Ion is rocking his new heel persona. Nice missile dropkick partway through, not much else of substance. He calls out Aries. Crowd chants for Shannon. Tenay and Taz talk some more about how hot the knockouts are. Shannon Moore hits a top-rope hurricanrana that gets him 2. Shannon completely misses a moonsault even though Ion didn’t even really move. Ion hits some kind of modified facebuster for the win.

Winner: Zema Ion

Not bad, given that Shannon Moore was in it. Zema Ion is a hairspray guy now apparently, as he sprays himself after the match.

 

Commercial. Velvet Skye pours PowerAde on her tits. And TNA shows us some fans that like to pretend that TNA is the future.

 

Angelina Love & Sarita .vs. Velvet Skye & Mickie James

Yeah. No way am I knocking myself out, no pun intended, to keep track of this. These bitches are crazy. I remember when Angelina got drug-raped by the ghost from the past but it turned out Angelina was into it. And I remember when that one girl ran that other bitch down on a motorbike, then the one who got ran down was fine like a week later. For the match, Tenay talks about Lindsay Lohan hosting SNL. Taz talks about how he stalks the Knockouts.

Velvet wins with the X-Factor.

Winners: Velvet Skye & Mickie James

Backstage, James Storm says he’s beating Storm at the PPV for the World Title. Magnus talks about how they’re different, but how that doesn’t matter.

 

Commercial. They run the strange Knockout commercial again. Why are fuck are they doing a commercial with basketballs? Is a girl in a hot tub of basketballs supposed to be sexier than just showing her in an actual hot tub? Shouldn’t they at least use footballs since they have both a real and a fake football guy now? They’re not a basketball company. They’re a wrestling company.

Swayze: That looks like a commercial for a porno 1-900 basketball fetish line.

Mike Tenay says that Impact Wrestling got a letter from Abyss’ family regarding his disappearance. They show a recap of the Immortal / Abyss saga. Looks pretty painful. They kicked Abyss’ ass and now they don’t know where he is. Now there’s a story with some meat on it.

 

James Storm, Samoa Joe & Magnus .vs. Bobby Roode, Austin Aries & Bully Ray

Pretty generic 6-man stuff here. It was all right, I guess. I’ve seen a LOT worse main events on Impact. Crowd was certainly into it. Storm came in to a really great reaction and was on a good roll. Ray also has crazy heat – way more than Roode.

After a melee, Storm hits Roode with a superkick and pins to a nice little pop from the crowd.

Winners: James Storm, Samoa Joe & Magnus

 

Martin Shaw: This is the start of a huge push for Samoa Joe in TNA.

Ray lays everyone out with chairs after the match. He tells Storm he’s not making it to LockDown.

 

Well, that’s it for Impact. I don’t know, I don’t know why anyone would be excited about this show lately. I don’t see a whole lot to get excited about. Again though, I’ve seen a LOT worse from them.

 

Hope everyone enjoyed. Feel free to leave a comment, shoot me an e-mail, or follow me on Twitter @BlairADouglas.

This has been “That Being Said”. Thanks for reading and see you tomorrow for Interinactivity.

I’ll be in my trailer.

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