Mike Gojira’s Not-So-Live WWE Smackdown Report 3.9.12 (Teddy Long vs John Laurinaitis)

Hello, peeps! It’s your favorite recapper who’s not Andrew Wheeler, M.C. Brown, Blair Douglas, or Scott Keith, back with another edition of Smackdown.

And speaking of Scott Keith: stop encroaching on my Smackdown territory, bro!

We start things off with the lowering of a steel cage as David Otunga and John Laurinaitis stand proudly in the ring. Can we make this a Dog Kennel match, but let the pit bulls off their leashes? Apparently the first match of the night is between Santino Marella and Jack Swagger for the United States Championship, and it starts…RIGHT NOW! In the comments section of last Monday’s Raw recap, I claimed that Laurinaitis would fuck over Santino tonight to get some cheap heat. Let’s see if I’m right.

United States Championship Steel Cage Match
Santino Marella vs Jack Swagger

Swagger and his new comb-over head to the ring with Vickie Guerrero and Dolph Ziggler. i don’t recall seeing Johnny Ace or Otunga leave, so I assume it’s a five-on-one against a comedy wrestler. That must mean he’s a MAIN EVENTER. Swagger corners Santino in the…corner and pounds him to the mat. He lands an overhead slam and runs Santino’s head into the cage. Snapping clothesline gets a two count. Santino ducks another clothesline and leaps onto the cage to escape, but Swagger pulls him down and lawn darts him into the cage! As Swagger plays around with Marella, the U.S. Champ finally gets in some offense, including his split and hip toss, ending with the falling headbutt! Santino pulls out the Cobra (sock puppet) and attacks Ziggler, who tries to provide a distraction from the outside. Not sure why you’d bother, since Dolph can’t get at you, but whatever. Swagger attempts a back suplex but eats a Cobra strike and both men are down. An outside ref ejects Dolph as he actually pretends like his arm has been paralyzed by snake venom. I am NOT making this shit up. Apparently that “bite” was enough to send us to a commercial.

My condolences to Kia Stevens over the loss of her child.

We’re back as Swagger attempts a kitchen sink, but Santino turns it into a school boy for two! Jack nails the Swagger Bomb and Santino kicks out! How far have you fallen as a former World Champion when Santino kicks out of one of your big signature moves? I guess, in Santino’s defense, Swagger isn’t exactly a top guy either. Jack tries to climb out of the cage and Santino crotches him on the ropes as Booker T muses that he could have just escaped through the door. Dawg. Santino covers Jack for two. Has anybody ever won a match after a rope crotching? Santino tries to climb out but Swagger follows. The challenger has Santino trapped on the top turnbuckle but Santino counters with a Tornado DDT! He crawls to the door but Swagger pulls him back in! The Ankle Lock is applied and Vickie grabs hold of the door. As the official argues with her, Santino rolls through and switches places with Swagger! Vickie slams the door, thinking it’s still Santino! The U.S. Champion retains as he crawls out the door! Teddy Long comes out to celebrate with Santino.

That was a fun little match with a cool ending. Looks like Santino’s title run is legit, which I’m totally okay with. He deserves some sort of accolade, and the U.S. title is perfect for him.

Laurinaitis and Otunga are backstage as Otunga reassures Ace that the Board of Directors will give him full control. Teddy Long arrives and Laurinaitis threatens to put Aksana in a match with Kane unless he apologizes (which he does). Ace says that’s not good enough and he wants to face Long one-on-one tonight, but if Teddy wins, the Aksana match is still on. Now THAT’S how a heel does things.

We recap HBK’s appearance on Raw last Monday. The ‘Tron labels the Hell in a Cell match, “The End of an Era,” and a part of me dies inside. Are these guys REALLY all that’s left? Next week, Shawn Michaels will have a chit-chat with Undertaker on Raw.

Despite what I said in my latest column, I’m sure the match between Taker and Triple H will find a way to tug at my heartstrings.

Drew McIntyre heads to the ring. Yes, THAT Drew McIntyre, the guy who was fired last week. John Laurinaitis is giving him another shot if he can defeat a mystery opponent. I’m guessing it’s Hornswoggle….but Great Khali comes out! David Otunga interrupts and tells Khali to have a seat at ringside, since he’s not the opponent after all.

Oh Christ.

It IS Hornswoggle.

Drew McIntyre vs Hornswoggle
Drew hits a reverse Russian leg sweep followed by a body slam. He covers but breaks up his own pin to hit ANOTHER body slam and ANOTHER pin attempt. He interrupts his own pin again to land a backbreaker and the ref calls for the bell. Drew wins since Hornswoggle can’t continue. As he celebrates, Khali gets back into the ring and swats McIntyre to the mat!

Teddy is in the locker room lacing up his boots as Aksana runs in to try and stop him. Long says he has to defend his manhood and teach Ace a lesson…by laying down for him?

Commercials, commercials, commercials.

Laurinaitis and Otunga are backstage as Ace warms up. Otunga assures Ace that Kane is ready if need be. If I were Ace, I’d play mind games with Teddy, offering him chances to win even though he’s conflicted. Then, when Teddy is totally distraught, give him the win so Aksana has to face Kane, thereby making him feel worse. Does that make me evil?

Ezekiel Jackson vs Mark Henry
Zeke attempts a Torture Rack but Henry stops that and beats Jackson down. Body slam to Big Zeke, who rolls to avoid a follow-up elbow drop. Zeke traps Henry in the corner with clotheslines, but Mark escapes and ends things with the World’s Strongest Slam. I think the Ace/Otunga segment was longer than this match.

To those of you who think The Rock and John Cena really hate each other: you’re being played.

John Laurinaitis vs Teddy Long
I think Ace is actually wearing lifts! Laurinaitis asks if Teddy really wants Kane to come out and beat up Aksana. He tells Long to lay down but he refuses! Kane heads down the ramp as Aksana crawls into the ring. Here comes Randy Orton for the save with an RKO and the crowd explodes! Teddy Long rolls up a distracted Ace for the win!

Now that I think about it, why would the Board of Directors be cool with a match between Aksana and Kane? Seems counterproductive if Johnny Ace wants full control.

Kofi Kingston and R-Truth vs Primo and Epico


Sorry for zoning out for a minute. I was pretending to be the ring ropes Rosa Mendes gyrates against in her entrance. Truth drops Epico and nails a leg drop for two before tagging in Kofi. As Kofi runs off the ropes, Primo holds down the second rope and Kingston takes a spill to the outside. The heels regain control as Epico hits a suplex for two. Kofi fights out of an abdominal stretch and teases a hot tag to R-Truth. With the ref distracted, he doesn’t “see” the legal tag as Kingston plays face in peril. Primo is in full control as he prevents another tag, but Kofi kicks Primo in the face and makes a leaping tag! He hits the Corkscrew Elbow but Epico breaks up the pin! Kofi takes care of the interference as Truth nails the Lie Detector for the win!

Now on DVD and Blu-Ray: the fucking 800th version of The Three Musketeers.

Raw recap of Cena and Rock’s face-off last Monday night. Personally, I enjoyed the lawn gnome bit and “Yankee Doodle Dandy” rendition.

Booker T wants his own Youtube show. Jeez.

Michael Cole is in the ring to interview Daniel Bryan and Sheamus. Cole asks Bryan how it feels to be lucky. Bryan says that the past few months have not involved luck at all, hammers home that he is vegan and a great scientific wrestler, and even says he has sex appeal! Cole makes a stupid “luck of the Irish” joke in reference to Sheamus’s Royal Rumble victory. He says that you make your own luck (after kissing the arses of the audience) and insults AJ’s appearance as that of a Catholic school girl. I wouldn’t mind seeing her in one of those outfits, honestly. DB defends her and Sheamus says that maybe Bryan is the one who should wear a skirt. The Great White goes on to say that Bryan’s luck will run out at Wrestlemania. Cody Rhodes’s music hits as we get ready for the main event.

I always enjoy how the WWE jacks up the intensity of feuds as we gear up for Wrestlemania. If only they put that much energy into the other 11 months of the year…

Sheamus, Randy Orton, and Big Show vs Daniel Bryan, Cody Rhodes, and The Miz
As everyone heads to the ring, we start things off between Sheamus and Rhodes. The Great White overpowers Cody and tags in Orton, who mounts Rhodes in the corner for 10 punches. Whip into the opposing corner followed by a clothesline! Rhodes trips Orton up and tags in DB, who tears into Orton in the corner. Randy interrupts a lock up for a standing drop kick and he tags in Big Show. Wight tosses DB into the corner and body slams him. Bryan escapes to the corner and tags in Miz. Show destroys him with a chop in the corner and Miz scrambles to tag in Cody…who tags The Miz back in! Time for another commercial break!

What’s with tossing people into the corner tonight? It’s like the “go-to move” of the evening.

We’re back with Sheamus absolutely destroying The Miz. Miz manages to trap Sheamus into the corner (!!!) but the ref pulls him off. As Mizanin argues, Sheamus comes back with a running axe handle! Rhodes is tagged in and Sheamus unloads with his clubbing blows in the ropes. They really need to name that sequence already. Miz sends Sheamus to the outside and Bryan hits a running knee off the apron. With Sheamus dissected, Bryan becomes the legal man and kicks the shit out of the Irishman in the center of the ring. The World Heavyweight Champion tags in Miz as the heels continue to use quick tags to wear Sheamus down. Miz plants his low DDT for a two count. Rhodes is tagged in and applies a full nelson. Sheamus fights out but gets caught with a kitchen sink for two! They’re really testing Sheamus’s endurance tonight as Rhodes hits a Russian leg sweep for another two count! Sheamus nails the Irish Curse backbreaker out of desperation and tags in the Viper! Miz gets the tag and Orton nails his five moves of doom, ending with the draping DDT! Big Show chases off Cody Rhodes and Daniel Bryan interferes in Orton’s attack! Sheamus makes the save and throws Bryan through the barricade on the outside! Miz attempts the SCF but Orton counters with an RKO for the win!

Orton looks around for Kane, and sure enough he appears through the crowd! They brawl by the announce table and Kane gets the upper hand, sending Orton over the barricade and into the crowd! They battle through the fans and up the steps as the show comes to a close.

This was a fun edition of Smackdown, but I still think The Rock needs to make an appearance on his flagship show. Wouldn’t that boost ratings?

So long, and thanks for all the fish.

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