My Pinterest is Piledrivers: Ted in the Water (Ted DiBiase, Cody Rhodes, Randy Orton)

Hey, it’s me.  James.  I’ve got work in the morning and these fifty hour work weeks are going to kill me.  Frankly I don’t like working forty hours a week.  Or four.  So let’s get to it.

Last week’s column seemed to get a good response.  I like to think it would serve as a good link to anyone who might wonder “who is this CM Punk and why is he the Best in the World?” or “I saw a dude wearing pink… what’s that about?”  This week I’m going to take a big swerve right into a smaller issue, one single near-forgotten wrestler, Ted DiBiase.

Back in the heady days of Legacy, as a young Theodore DiBiase, Jr teamed with Cody Rhodes and Randy Orton, many looked upon the son of the Million Dollar Man as the breakout of the group.  The guy that would turn face and blow up big.  Batista gave interviews stating his anticipation of great things from the rookie.  Even on this site (the only wrestling site I go to, and the only one you should go to, too) columnists and commenters remarked how he had “it” and that… well, his dad brought the Undertaker in… what if his son would be the one to take him out?  Perhaps at his 20th Wrestlemania appearance?

Well, we now know that isn’t going to happen.

What ended up happening instead is that Randy turned face, and has been operating as the overall “number two” guy for a while in WWE, although an argument could be made that at this point CM Punk is the new number two (although in the hearts and minds of the internet, he’s number one of course).  Cody became a popular heel thanks to a feud with Rey Mysterio and a gimmick that played upon the classic “I could steal your girlfriend” pretty boy heel, combined with elements of “I’m also a complete sociopath” Patrick Bateman edge.  Where did that leave poor Ted?

They tried giving him a hot, snobby girlfriend in Maryse.  They tried giving him the Million Dollar belt.  Right now they’re trying a weird face gimmick where he’s a man of the people feuding with the evil, fake Sin Cara.  I can only assume Sin Cara’s Bizarro twin is named Charitable Acts Rodriguez or something.  Right now it appears he’s out of action with an injury, or on Superstars.  I think they might as well be one and the same.

I’ve never met the guy, nor have I watched all of his matches.  From what I see, he seems to be a good enough guy, nice Southern Christian boy who likes football and fishin’ in his personal life.  He has a good look, certainly more athletic than his dad’s, and has a couple of nice-looking finishers and some potential.  But besides all that, knowing how tough the working world is, I’m never the type to suggest canning a guy.  Everyone can fit in somewhere.  Maybe it’s the bleeding heart in me.  Or the arrhythmia.

So what do we do with Ted DiBiase?

For one-turn him back heel.  Why?  Look, fans might be willing to boo him anyway.  You have to figure he was born rich (maybe not millions of dollars rich, but I’m sure his old man has his share of square footage and speedboats).  That can create easy resentment.  People hate the flaunting of wealth, especially in today’s Occupy Wall Street, One Percent environment.

See how annoying that is?  Thank God MTV canceled that.  It was a miracle we didn’t get another terrorist attack from that show, let alone start WWIII.  Play on that.  Keep Ted off the air while you film vignettes of him in a mansion showing off his possessions as models lounge bored in the background.  Recreate that YouTube video of the guy just silently counting money in the back of his car that I can’t seem to find anymore.  Hell, they kinda got the idea from his old man back in the Eighties anyway.

Bring back the Million Dollar Belt.  Have him defend it, then eventually lose it to a hot new face, only to win it back.  Until he learns to cut promos and talk, match him up with his dad, or see if JBL or some other retired guy is bored enough to want to come back and coach the kid.  Pair him up with Eve, for a gold digger storyline.  Put him in a feud with Golddust so that the veteran can teach him some things.  He’s not gonna improve wrestling other rookies like Jinder Mahal.

I’d say give him a new, improved theme, but at least an autotuned poor man’s Lil Wayne is light-years away from a butt-rock anthem in the vein of Staind, Chevelle, Breaking Benjamin, Cavo, Nickelback… sigh.  Rock sucks now.

And sure, maybe have him to a face turn where he renounces his wealth, turns his back on the rich, shallow douchebag stable of Rhodes, Ziggler, Swagger, whoever they have him allying with at the time.  Start a gimmick where he doesn’t pay the audience to perform humiliating acts for his amusement, but instead makes it rain for the hell of it.  But get the fun heel stuff out of the way first.  The Million Dollar Dream is such a sweet-looking move, and it works so much better against faces.

You’ve already got the guy on your roster.  Stop burying a guy that was in a major stable and has victories over Triple H and HBK.  Tell him to grow a beard and use him.  There’s enough vaguely smug, cowardly heels on your roster.  Bring in a rich, entitled prick that can win on his own.

Just try not to job him out to the Funkasaurus in the first two weeks.  Please?


Look, I don’t care what anyone says, I’m looking forward to 21 Jump Street.  Tatum is self-aware, Jonah Hill was good in the best movie of last year, it’s got Rob Riggle, Ellie Kemper and Ron Bleep Swanson.


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