Before we get started, I have something to say.
Last week on Air Up There, I put up a fake link to MyDaughtersFuckingHulkHogan.com.
I was staggered to learn that several people actually clicked on it.
You guys are sick, disgusting little perverts.
All of you are sick.
Ah, I’m just kidding. You sickos are all right!
We see Sting and Roode showing up to the arena, and Tenay tells us that they’re doing a contract signing. He also says the PPV is this Sunday. They show a video package of Sting getting all CRAZY.
James Storm comes out to his song that is totally going to be all over radio stations soon. I like Storm and all, but that isn’t going to happen. He talks about Roode, and says that the world has too many takers and not enough givers. The crowd starts chanting “Cowboy”. He gives his catchphrase, and Bully Ray comes out and cuts a promo. Storm wants to fight him, and Ray wants Storm to kiss his calves. Storm gets out of the ring and wants to fight. Ray stalls. Ray says he won’t fight Storm, but that he will fight Gunner.
I’m not totally sure this is a match. Neither guy is dressed, and I don’t know that Ray can make matches. Anyway, they start brawling. Security comes out and separates them. Ray then takes a cheap-shot at Storm, then Ray and Gunner leave.
Gail Kim and the Madison Rayne girl are talking over each other. SLOW THE FUCK DOWN, GIRLS!!! I can’t understand ONE WORD these bitches are staying. Sting tells them to shut up because he has to deal with all the stress of signing a piece of paper that commits him to a match that he’s already agreed to. But he makes Gail Kim fight Mickie James, and he makes Madison do something too. I don’t know what he’s making her do because they started talking over each other as soon as he said it. Then he was all “fuck it” and walked off. Segment over.
Madison Rayne .vs. Velvet Sky
Sting is a harsh taskmaster. Wrestling Velvet Sky is some rough punishment. But so is wrestling Madison Rayne. So Sting must hate Velvet too. Madison still looks like a heroin addict.
Winner; Heroin Girl
You know what’s awesome? These girls can’t even get choked properly. I mean:
1) Clutch at throat
2) Gasp for air
You’d think they’d have had practice gagging from their performance evaluations.
Backstage, Crimson and Matt Morgan are talking while they show something that happened last week. I guess Crimson scored a pinfall for the team after Morgan did his finisher. Morgan appears to have an issue with this, but then says that all he wants to do is win matches for the team. Which is what Crimson did. So then WHAT THE FUCK IS HIS… you know what, fuck it, because then they go straight to bromancing, with all the promo skill you’ve come to expect from these two.
Crimson (w/ Matt Morgan) .vs. Samoa Joe (w/ Magnus)
Never seen this match before! About 6 people chant for Crimson. This was a pretty lame match. At one point, Morgan tried to trip up Joe, which is odd as I thought they were the good guys. Otherwise, this was just like all their other matches, with Joe trying to turn it into a wrestling match and Crimson digging his heels in every step of the way. At one point, they replayed Crimson doing a neckbreaker of all things. Joe gets a couple near-falls, and actually has some of the crowd behind him. Crimson then hits a spine buster for two, and starts arguing with the ref. Then he runs right into a Joe toss, but Morgan gets up on the apron. Magnus tries to stop him, but gets tossed into the steps. Morgan then chokes Joe over the rope, and Crimson hits his finisher for the win. Again, I thought Morgan and Crimson were the good guys.
I bet this is the start of a huge push for Samoa Joe in TNA.
Backstage, Austin Aries is WALKING!
Commercial. Matt Morgan wants a low DOWN PAYMENT on his AUTO INSURANCE. Since when is there a DOWN PAYMENT for AUTO INSURANCE? I’ve had auto insurance for a long time and I’ve NEVER had to put a down payment up. Then again, I don’t take 5-Hour Energy Shots either. Maybe they just wanted to get him out of there since he was in his underwear.
Austin Aries is in the ring. He’s the longest-running X-Division Champion of all time. Apparently there have been 53 champions, including him. He shows a music-video highlighting his reign. It is one of the shittiest sounding songs I’ve ever had in my ears. Part of the video is of him beating up Alex Shelley in an empty, dark arena in full attire. He has champagne in the ring and wants people to toast him. Except that the crowd doesn’t have glasses. Zema Ion comes out. Last week, Aries kicked him in the balls and sprayed him in the face with his own hairspray. That was pretty awesome. Aries appreciates how Zema got the best of him last week. Zema accepts his compliment and turns it around on him, and says that he’s fighting Aries on Sunday, and that he’s going to do to Aries what he did to Sorensen. Aries says that it’s nice that he has hair on his balls now (actually) and gives him the champagne glass. Ion toasts to beating Aries on Sunday, and gives the worst catchphrase you’ve ever heard. I’m not repeating it. Aries throws champagne in his face, then dumps champagne over him and tosses him out of the ring.
Abyss’ brother runs into Gunner. Gunner doesn’t shake hands. Abyss’ brother doesn’t know who Gunner is. Then he remembers Gunner is in Immortal. He asks Gunner about his brother, Chris. Gunner says, and I quote “I know a LOT of Chris’s.” Then he asks about Abyss. Gunner says he has a match. He leaves.
Eric Young and ODB plan their wedding. They go over venues for the wedding. ODB wants to do it in the ring. She claims they had sex in the ring. Apparently they’re getting married on Impact. Now there’s a clear-cut situation with the promise of comedy.
Kurt Angle wants to fight Garret Bischoff. He calls him Garrett Bitchoff. Then he makes a “Garrett’s Wife” joke.
Gail Kim .vs. Mickie James
These girls have been known to have okay matches at times, so I’m actually going to give this one a go. It actually looked like a wrestling match. Even had a bridge and some other wrestling moves in it. Gail tried to cheat with the belt at about a minute in, but Mickie stopped her. The announcers used this match to talk about Garrett Bischoff. Gail Kim tried a really neat-looking kneebreaker that looked good. Then she worked the knee for a while. She tried a really weak-looking single leg crab that Mickie could have rolled out of at any point. Mickie did a better neckbreaker than Crimson did, and they replayed THAT one too. TWICE. TNA fucking LOVES neckbreakers. Mickie hit a Thesz press off the second rope for 2. Then she dropkicked Gail off the apron. Gail grabbed the belt and drilled Mickie in the head with it while the ref was distracted. Pin.
Winner: Gail Kim
Ken Anderson talks about how illogical it is that he’s buddies with AJ now. Daniels and Kaz show up, and they want to have “water cooler talk”. Daniels also doesn’t understand what Anderson is doing there. Daniels and Anderson find about 60 ways to say “I guess we’ll see later tonight” for a few minutes. Kaz makes fun of Anderson’s “movies”. Anderson has been in movies?!?! In this brittle economy?!?!
Ken Anderson .vs. Christopher Daniels
Good Lord, but Ken Anderson is a terrible wrestler. He busted Daniels open below the eye at one point. It looked like he was pissed. Not much happens here, until Kaz comes down, and AJ comes down and starts beating up Kaz. Daniels is distracted, and eats Chris Kanyon’s finisher. Pin.
Winner: Ken Anderson
So, the direction they decided to go with for this feud designed to feature some of TNA’s longest and most under-appreciated wrestlers is going to end with Ken Anderson looking superior to all of them? Brilliant. If Ken Anderson’s other pushes are any indication, TNA should start seeing ratings skyrocket immediately.
Jeff Hardy bitches about Kurt Angle.
5-Minute Challenge Match
Kurt Angle .vs. Garrett Bischoff
Garrett Bischoff’s theme song is kind of uplifting. Actually, very uplifting. Wow! I totally feel like dancing around and helping my community start a rec center right now.
Christ this fucking song is awesome! Fuck TNA. This song is my life now.
Lame match, but it was kind of designed to be that way. Angle finishes Garrett off, but only after the 5 minutes are up.
Winner: Garrett Bischoff
Kurt is mad. He punches out the ref and keeps beating on Garrett. Jeff Hardy makes the save. He put on facepaint just for this.
Well, the matches may be no good, but at least they’re doing more matches now.
Robbie E and T do another promo. I’m kind of ashamed to say I found it kind of funny. That “list” thing is cute. He’s doing another “Robbie E Invitational”, so you can expect to see a high-profile challengers like Shannon Moore.
Gunner The Charisma Machine (w/ Bully Ray) .vs. James Storm
A lot of people aren’t sold on Storm. I think that whatever he lacks in skill, he makes up for just by being able to get the crowd behind him. And I think he learned a lot of that from being in that Beer Money team. Gunner tries to get momentum going, but Gunner takes him down with… restholds and arm strikes. Gunner sucks. Storm fights back up with some punches and clotheslines. He’s showing Gunner that he can wrestle like he has Down’s syndrome too. He hits Closing Time, and gears up for the Superkick. Crowd is into it, and he hits the kick. Pin.
Winner: James Storm
Bully Ray yells. James Storm stares. Ray teases hitting the ring but bails.
Official TNA Victory Road TNA World Heavyweight Title Match Official Contract Signing
Sting & Bobby Roode
They sign. Roode talks about how he’s the IT Factor in professional wrestling. That’s right. Fucking EVERYONE is talking about Bobby Roode. He’s taking TNA to the top! Turns out they censor the word “ass” when Bobby Roode says it, but not when Knockouts say it. That’s pretty funny. I guess you kind of have to admire TNA’s commitment to Roode though, that they’re still going with him despite his title run falling completely flat. That’s cool, dude worked hard to get here, but wow, is it dull to watch. Anyway, Roode rags on Sting for being old and hanging onto the spotlight too long, blah blah, woof woof. Sting sits there until Roode gets ready to leave, then Sting beats up the table. Sting then smears paint on his eyes like a mongoloid. Roode yells that paint doesn’t scare him. So Sting paints Roode’s face. Then Sting kicks his ass.
Segment over. Another Sting Paint-Rape victim, and still the police do nothing.
Show over. Fucking Knockouts had the best match on the card!
Well, that’s it for “That Being Said” this week. Time for…
New Rule #1: Friends and family of WWE Divas need to start reminding them that they literally have zero market value before they log on to Twitter. Since the days of Trish Stratus and Stacy Keibler, every Diva has been as interchangeable as the Kleenex boxes that people who actually pay attention to Divas use up. By going on Twitter, Beth may as well have traded the Divas Championship for the Knockouts Championship.
New Rule #2: The only idea sillier than the The Miz getting involved in “The Biggest WrestleMania Main Event Of All Time” in 2012 was the idea to have The Miz CAUSE the worst WrestleMania main event of all time in 2011.
New Rule #3: Cody Rhodes getting injured is not necessarily a bad thing. And in case you think I’m being harsh, I’m not. I’m only reminding you that the last time he was hurt was when he started getting rave reviews for his “work”.
New Rule #4: In order to help their falling ratings, TNA needs to consider more cross-promotional opportunities. I’ve been watching the last few minutes of this JAIL show that airs on Spike before TNA comes on, and it seems like a good choice. Kurt Angle and Jeff Hardy get arrested so often that they can easily get at least a couple episodes out of this. Jeff Hardy in particular seems like he’d fit in well with some of the delusional people they bring in. And he’s well-accustomed to being tazed.
New Rule #5: TNA and WWE apologists need to stop ragging on Ring Of Honor. I watched the 10th Anniversary Show over the weekend and thought it was okay, but really, I find the ROH product more boring now than I have over it’s entire history. That isn’t the point. WWE is a wrestling-based variety show MOST of the time, and TNA wishes they could put on something that the general public would consider more civilized than a circus sideshow where people can dry off from Splash Mountain. Ring Of Honor is not like these companies, and they’re not trying to be like these companies. You don’t need to be a fan of the Ring Of Honor product to acknowledge this. Whatever you think of them, they serve what they know their target market is, and the shows deliver exactly what they promise.
Before I go, everyone should check out a really cool little vote they’re doing over at www.SpineBuster.com, for best promo of all time. Some really good choices over there, with YouTube clips no less!
Hope everyone enjoyed. I’m bloody exhausted. Gunner, Ken Anderson, Matt Morgan and Crimson really suck the life out of that fucking show. They gotta get rid of those guys. Also, I didn’t mention it, but they aired at least 7 or 8 different Roode / Sting segments. I can’t illustrate how much I look forward to not watching that match. I’m considering changing the name of the article to “Blair Watches Impact, So You Don’t Have To”, at least until WE GET SOMEONE TO COVER THIS FUCKING SHOW!!!
Sorry about that. Anyway, remember to comment, e-mail me at email@example.com, or follow me on Twitter @BlairADouglas. Still offering handjobs for anyone who wants to take over coverage of this show. No eye contact.
Thanks for reading and have a great weekend. Enjoy the TNA PPV, if you choose to watch it. I’m not watching another one of those fucking things.
I’ll be in my trailer.