Going into last night’s episode of Survivor, I predicted that the person being taken out on a stretcher would be Tarzan. After all, we knew it was someone from Christina’s tribe and, frankly, Tarzan hadn’t been looking so hot lately. (And I’m not just referring to his swimwear choice.)
But that wasn’t the case, and I was left with mixed feelings about what happened. Click through for a full Survivor review.
So. Colton, Survivor’s own Queen of Mean, was medically evacuated from the game last night. On the one hand, yes, his bout of appendicitis was some pretty sweet karma. Before he was hit with severe stomach pain he was acting like a complete and total jerk, comparing Christina to a cockroach TO HER FACE and generally being a complete waste of skin.
But oh, how I wish it hadn’t happened this way. Because now that arrogant little nitwit will believe, until the end of time, that he could have won this game. And he never, ever would have won. Can’t you just hear him saying, forever and always “That game was mine. If I hadn’t been taken out, I’d have a million bucks right now.” But no, Colton. No you wouldn’t. I wanted to see Colton get blindsided. I wanted to see him get blindsided with an idol in his pocket. I wanted him humiliated, I wanted him knocked down about thirty notches. This? This was not what I wanted.
I see two cockroaches, and neither of them are Christina
Let’s start from the beginning. After returning to camp from Tribal Council, Colton and Alicia were bragging about having voted out Monica and how Christina was going to be next. They weren’t just bragging – they were metaphorically taking a knife, digging it into Christina’s chest, and the rubbing some salt in her wound while cackling like evil witches. They insulted Christina again and again and again, as though someone had offered to give them $5 per jab. Colton and Alicia are such wretched people that it’s not enough that they inexplicably control the game. They have to make it personal too, like a couple of middle school kids picking on the nerdy straight-A student for wearing WalMart brand jeans and not having a cool haircut. I hate them.
It got even worse at night, when Alicia flew off the handle at Christina simply because Christina asked her to scooch over so, you know, Christina would have somewhere to sleep. Alicia was HORRIBLE to her. She is the living worst. A terrible person. I can’t believe she works with special needs kids – there is not an ounce of empathy in this woman’s body! She makes me want to call her names that I usually don’t think women should call other women.
Not In My Backyard
The Reward Challenge this week was, apparently, something you play in your backyard. Well now we know whoever writes those Tree Mails was an incredibly rich and innovative kid! I did not have that game in my backyard.
The tribes had to catapult coconuts off a trampoline and onto targets. The first tribe to break all their targets would win an afternoon at a makeshift Survivor ice cream parlor. It was a nailbiter, but eventually Salani pulled out a win. Even though Alicia couldn’t even hit the trampoline right and Colton himself contributed nothing to Manono’s performance, he decided to blame poor Christina by screeching “RUN!!!!” at her every time she jogged from the platform back to join her tribe. She was running! Geez Louise. Didn’t Colton realize that he and Alicia were the targets of Probst’s own heckling? It’s always a bad sign when the host of the show is yelling “My nephew could toss it better!” at you.
The abuse continued back at camp, where Colton suggested that Christina either enjoy her last couple days, quit, or “jump in the fire. Whatever’s more convenient for you!” Ahahahaha Colton, so glad you thought that joke was HILARIOUS enough that you used it both in a camera confessional and right to Christina’s face. You make me want to throw up.
The ice cream sundaes acted as yet another morale boost for Salani, and I felt pretty confident that they’d kick butt at the Immunity Challenge as well. But we never got there.
Belly of the Beast
That night, Colton woke up feeling like his brain was “swollen”. Oh Colton, I thought With your ego, it was only a matter of time before your head swelled to be so large it actually caused physical discomfort. But then Colton’s stomach began to hurt, too.
What I truly could not believe was how nice Christina was to Colton, comforting him and telling him how great he is. Yeah yeah, she’s a good person and took the high road. I am not a good person. I would have “tripped” over his head. Colton, of course, did not change his opinion on Christina even though she acted like Mother Freakin’ Theresa all night.
The next day, Colton’s abdominal pain was so bad that he ended up laying in the woods bawling his eyes out. I rolled my eyes when Dr. Tarzan mumbled some crap about kidney failure and early signs of appendicitis, but he was actually right on. After seeing Colton squirming on the ground Christina ran to call for the medics, and Dr. Ramona pulled Colton from the game after deciding that he likely had appendicitis and needed to be hospitalized.
I also rolled my eyes at the way everyone spewed out crap about respecting Colton’s game. So the kid was a big Survivor fan? So. What. He sucked at the game and never would have won, based on the way he was acting. Queen of Mean to the end, Colton didn’t even give his Unhidden Immunity Idol to his pal Alicia, even though Probst gave him ample opportunity to do so. Instead, he requested that she thank Sabrina for giving him such a fab souvenir. What a guy! (That said, I’m thrilled that Alicia doesn’t have an Idol. Thrilled.)
Friends and Foes
Even before Colton was medi-vacced from the game, Christina was making her play to stay in the game. Unfortunately for Christina, she’s playing with a bunch of spineless dweebs.
Christina told Leif and Jonas that Alicia was in with the gals on the other tribe while she was not, so post-merge the guys would have Christina’s loyalties but not Alicia’s. Unfortunately Alicia walked up on Christina’s pitch and obnoxiously started applauding, but it didn’t matter. The information was out there. Unfortunately, under Colton’s thumb all the guys lacked the cojones to do anything.
With Colton gone, it was a different matter – weak, pitiful Jonas suddenly thought he had some power in the game, and he was ready to take out Alicia along with Christina and Leif. Tarzan was not on board, and told Christina flat-out that he does not like her. Sure, she might be a bit of a sycophant, but is that really worse than being a complete and total psycho bitch like Alicia? Get your priorities straight, man!
Both tribes were informed that they’d be going to Tribal Council, but the result was rather anti-climactic. The tribes have merged, officially becoming one. This seems early, and I’m kind of bummed. I was looking forward to seeing Salani decimate Manono a little more before the merge, and I was hoping Alicia wouldn’t make it that far.
From here, things will get interesting. The guys and gals are even again, each with six. What new bonds have been formed since then? Alicia, Christina and Tarzan all seem to be in a gray area, loyalty wise. And have Michael and Jay jumped ship on the weak guys to team up with Kim and her gals? I can’t wait to see what will happen next week.
What did you guys think of the episode? Do you think Colton’s exit and the merge will breath some new life into this season? I don’t think it’s been boring, but it hasn’t been likable either.
Tags: Survivor One World