Before I get started…
Four weeks in a row? FOUR weeks in a row? Sheeit…
I’m doing pretty good right now. Had a date tonite–met up with a girl from OkCupid at Starbucks. Nice girl, but she made the cardinal mistake that girls that are bigger make: No pictures from the neck down.
Look, I’m a fat guy. I’m a big ol’ fat guy that needs a seatbelt extender on airplanes and can’t fit in roller coasters, but I also own every single bit of that fat guyness. There are facebook pictures of me cropped just so, and there are facebook pictures of me that show off my fatness. So, when I meet a girl that’s on the big side, and I didn’t know how far past the big side she is, it feels dishonest. Maybe I’m a total friggin’ hypocrite, but that’s how I feel and that’s what’s on my mind.
Alright, enough of that. Let’s get on to the wrestling bit.
Suspension of Disbelief begins… Now!
When I first saw Cody Rhodes, he was getting his handed to him by Bob “Hardcore” Holly. Then he was teaming up with Bob “Hardcore” Holly. Then he was one of the Baby Oil Brigade in Randy Orton’s Legacy faction. He floundered around a bit after Legacy broke up, but then Cody started on one of the awesomest runs I’ve seen a character go on. Let’s take a look at it.
From Languishing to Dashing
Now, I have a Love/Hate relationship with Smackdown. I enjoy the wrestling on the show and it’s somewhat relaxed pace. Monday Night Raw makes everything out to be almost Schiavone’ian with everything being THE MOST IMPORTANT MATCH/CONTRACT SIGNING/CONFRONTATION/ARM WRESTLING CONTEST IN THE HISTORY OF THE WWE, but Smackdown is more like, “Hey, d’you like wrestling? D’you like stereotypes that try hard not to offend but pretty much fall short? Sit on down for two hours and take a gander at the Blue Rope Brigade.”
Smackdown is where Cody made his mark. His “Dashing” segments were a lot of fun. Goofy things like brushing his teeth were wildly entertaining with a lot of smarmy swag that Cody totally committed to. I loved that he gave out tips while letting the audience know that they still weren’t going to make them as handsome and debonnaire as he was. I was also enthralled and amused how completely apesh*t Cody would go if you hit him in the face. He would stop whatever he was doing and throw a tantrum and stomp around the outside of the ring. Awesome.
Then… Well, then Rey Mysterio hit Cody Rhodes with an exposed knee-brace’d 6-1-9 and his face, his beautiful face, was as wrecked as the G.O.P.’s 2012 Presidential hopes.
From Dashing to Disfigured
Or, “Cody Rhodes Channels Heath Ledger’s Joker And It Friggin’ Ruled.”
So Cody gets his grill mashed and, after reconstructive surgery, has to don one of those NBA player face masks. As all good wrestling bad guys do, he uses it as a weapon and the bad guy sympathizer announcer defends its use while still insisting Rey Mysterio’s protecive kneebrace was illegal.
Then, Cody gets on the mic and starts cutting these scary/creepy promos, talking about how ugly and deformed he is and how the audience is all ugly and deformed. He takes it one step further by HANDING OUT PAPER BAGS TO THE CROWD. So cool. The paper bag thing then leads to a pretty good feud with Booker T., who hates Cody’s attitude and arrogance. Booker gets some good stuff going but ultimately he falls to Cody.
Then, Cody lets his Intercontinental Championship inflate his ego to BIG proportions.
Cody Rhodes Let’s His Alligator Mouth Overrun His Canary Ass
All of Cody’s trials and tribulations lead to fueling him to an Intercontinental Championship reign. This reign has gone on for quite a bit, and he’s ready to make a name for himself. He then takes the stereotypical jail scene advice and goes after the biggest guy in the pen.
He picks a fight with The Big Show. Not only does he pick a fight with The Big Show, he embarrasses the hell out of him with his greatest WrestleMania misses. He’s putting his gaffes and losses on blast, and Show is livid. Enough nonsense happens that Teddy Long makes the match official and we’re gonna get Cody vs Show at WrestleMania.
And then Monday happened.
Cody came down to the ring, handcuffed The Big Show, and then finally FINALLY sold me on this feud. He didn’t just render The Big Show defenseless, he made show look pathetic and pitiful. Here is this gentle giant who gives his hats to cute little kids along the entrance ramp… A guy who loves to entertain and has a great deal of Charisma… A guy who guest starred on the only hour-long television program I care for (“Royal Pains”)…
Cody handcuffs THAT GUY, and beats the living fuck out of him. He punches him and stomps him and acts like every bully what’s ever bullied. I felt angry for The Big Show the same way I felt angry for King Kong when he was on the ice in the Peter Jackson remake and those dicks from the Army start shooting at the mighty ape. I felt bad for The Big Show and now…
…now I want Show to get revenge.
I’m looking forward to watching The Big Show get his hands on Cody Rhodes. I’m looking forward to him setting Cody up in the corner and chopping Cody down with those gigantic mits at the end of his arms. I want to see this happen, and I’m more than willing to pay to see this happen. Cody is a bully and a meanie and this gentle giant getting pushed around and beaten up and suckerpunched and humiliated was the last straw and, as much as I’ve enjoyed Cody’s transformation to just-under-the-main-event cusp superstar, I can’t wait to watch Cody Rhodes get steamrolled.
And THAT’S what I love about Pro Wrestling. THAT’S how you book a feud. THAT’S how you make me care. Take a nice, affable guy and put him against a total douchebag and wait for the d-bag to wrong the nice guy, and then put off the bad guy’s comeuppance until there’s a big stage for it, and then BAM! Make that ish happen.
Wrestling 101, Booking 101, and I can’t wait until 4/1.
This has been Suspension of Disbelief.
Rey Mundo’s favorite musical is “Jesus Christ Superstar” with “Little Shop of Horrors” as a close second. That’s right, ladies. He’s single.
