Mike Gojira’s Not-So-Live WWE Smackdown Report 3.23.12 (Punk/Sheamus vs Bryan/Miz)

Hello there, lower mammals! I’m back with yet another funtastic edition of the Smackdown Report. For those of you concerned about my evening last weekend at the wedding, fear not. Things actually turned out pretty well, even to the point that people thought we had gotten back together based on how we treated one another. And no, nothing like THAT happened, but it felt good to know we could still be good friends. I suppose it’s one of those extremely rare cases where you can go from the “friend zone” to a relationship and back to the “friend zone” with no ill effects. I wouldn’t recommend it, but there you go.

Enough about my social life. Onto the wrestling!

Daniel Bryan and AJ head to the ring for a little promo. He says he could talk about himself all night, but instead he’ll ask AJ what it’s like to be in love with the World Heavyweight Champion. She first announces that she has a match tonight, but DB tells her to just answer the question. She puts on her best “school girl crush” look and gushes about how he has soft lips and caresses her. She even says that, “sometimes, at night, we even SPOON” like it’s something forbidden. She says he’s generous, brave, etc and he makes her feel safe. DB then whispers in her ear and she reluctantly admits that he’s a great lover. Ha! I love the little mannerisms in this promo, as she tries to get cozy with DB and he nonchalantly moves away, leaving her looking awkward. Sheamus interrupts and calls DB “Danny,” to which he says that he doesn’t like that nickname. Cue the audience’s chants of “Danny, Danny.” Sheamus cuts the obligatory cheesy jokes before saying he’ll kick Bryan’s teeth down his throat at Wrestlemania.

Other than the AJ promo, the only purpose this segment served was to get the fans to chant during Daniel Bryan’s matches and liven things up.

R-Truth vs Mark Henry

Truth heads to the ring with “Little Jimmy” in tow…which is exactly what you think: an invisible best friend. I don’t see this ending clean as I expect two new members of Team Teddy Long to be introduced at the end of this segment. Henry headbutts Truth to the mat as Booker T says that Henry is dominant during this time of the year. Really? Is there some sort of meteorological explanation for that? Henry continues to abuse Truth as this black-on-black violence shows no sign of slowing down. Booker T calls Henry the “ace in the hole” for Team Laurinaitis. That’s a big hole. Truth climbs to the top but Henry catches him and hits the World’s Strongest Slam. Another big win for Team Johnny as Henry looks as dominant as he did during his title reign last year. Well, I was wrong about the finish.

Is it just me, or does Team Johnny win the matches while Team Teddy wins the confrontations?

Yokozuna is FINALLY officially announced for this year’s Hall of Fame.

Zack Ryder still wants to join Team Teddy and he presents Long with a flag backstage as Aksana, Kofi, and Santino look on in amusement. Teddy thinks that Zack’s issues with Eve could cause a problem, so Ryder offers Hornswoggle as a mascot. Teddy says that’s not enough, so Zack calls in the Great Khali and tells Teddy if he picks Ryder, he gets Khali too (complete in Ryder gear, which is a funny visual). If I were Zack, I’d tell Long that I’d keep Khali AWAY from the match if I were chosen. That’s like a guarantee for a spot on the team. Teddy relents and we have number 4 and number 5.

Ugh. Khali? Really? I can’t fathom how there’s an audience for him. He stopped being a hot commodity the moment everyone realized he has trouble walking. And breathing.

AJ Lee w/ Daniel Bryan vs Brie Bella w/ Nikki Bella
Daniel Bryan’s on-screen girlfriend with his real-life girlfriend. That’s not an awkward moment, right? We start with a lock-up but Brie tosses her to the mat. AJ runs to her coach in the corner and he tells her to use her speed. AJ whips Brie off the ropes and into a spinning elbow! Brie quickly regains control and mounts AJ. Yeah. That’s right. Anywho, Brie talks smack to the audience as she applies an abdominal stretch. Daniel Bryan yells for AJ to avoid tapping out. AJ fights out of it, runs off the ropes, and turns a headscissors into an arm bar as she attempts the LeBell Lock! Nikki gets on the apron, DB attempts to stop her, the ref gets involved…AJ releases the hold so Brie can hit her from behind, but AJ ducks and Brie knocks Nikki off the apron! AJ with the roll-up for another win! I love how DB continues to celebrate like he won a million dollars! After the match, Nikki Bella reveals she supports Teddy Long while Brie is a Laurinaitis fan.

This is my caring face: -_-

I like the progression of this AJ/DB angle, which is actually a hell of a lot more entertaining than Sheamus/Bryan.

Jack Swagger w/ Vickie Guerrero vs Zack Ryder w/ Hornswoggle
Hornswoggle has that obnoxious Teddy Long flag with him, while Swagger has that obnoxious mouth piece with him. Lock up turns into a headlock as the two trade quick spots, leading to a nice drop kick from Ryder. Swagger rams Ryder’s head into the corner, followed by an overhead slam. Would it kill the announcers to talk about continuity between these two men? Pin attempt from Swagger gets a two. Oh, look at that! As soon as I mention the lack of continuity, Cole brings up their history. Swagger maintains control until Ryder knocks him for a loop. An up close Broski Boot thanks to the awesome camera work of the camera…man. Zack goes for the Rough Ryder…but gets power bombed right into the corner! Swagger Bomb gets a two count! Meanwhile, Hornswoggle menacingly waddles after Vickie on the outside and right up to the apron. Swagger comes to her aid and this allows Ryder to get a measure of revenge with the Rough Ryder for the win!

Matt Striker interviewed Cody Rhodes backstage at 1:09PM. No, seriously. The screen said it was 1:09PM. Cody Rhodes equates April Fool’s Day with the World’s Largest Fool, Big Show. For some reason, Cody says he has a plane to catch. Is he taking the night off?

Did we really need the outside interference? Why can’t Zack just get an unblemished victory for once?

Big Show vs Kane
Ten bucks says Cody Rhodes AND Randy Orton pop up to interrupt this “match,” a term I use loosely here. Kane and Show trade blows until Show gets trapped in the corner. Kane runs in and gets shoulder blocked to the outside! Show runs after Kane but eats the post! Kane is in control back in the ring with a low drop kick. Wight is trapped in a choke hold but he fights out of it and both big men head off the ropes for a double clothesline! Show calls for the Chokeslam but Kane counters with a big DDT! Show kicks out at two and the crowd is pretty much dead. Kane climbs the turnbuckle for his flying clothesline but gets caught in midair with a Chokeslam! Cody Rhodes runs interference, causing the DQ. As Show chases Cody into the crowd, Randy Orton slithers out of Kelly Floyd’s vagina and into the ring to RKO an unwitting Kane!

Where’s my ten bucks, bitches?

We get a recap of last week’s visit to Bridgeport, Connecticut with Big Show, David Otunga, and Stephanie McMahon.

Brodus Clay vs Heath Slater

Surprisingly, Slater manages to take Clay off his feet. That doesn’t last very long as Clay actually performs more than 3 moves before ending things with a Splash.

Did you know that the New Age Outlaws will be in WWE ’13? Now you do.

Zack Ryder meets the Queen of the Cocktease, Eve, backstage. He tells her she’s beautiful AND smart, which she twists into an insult just to fuck with his head. Not that one.

Recap of the Hell in a Cell promo from last Monday night. Was that REALLY the way to end Raw last week?

The new WWE.com: because we want you to forget about the WWE Network right now.

Great Khali vs Dolph Ziggler

Christian heads to the announce table for commentary. Ziggler heads to the ring with Johnny Ace and David Otunga, while Teddy Long is out by Khali’s side. I cringe when Cole says Ziggler is a former World Heavyweight Champion. It was HANDED to him for literally two minutes. Khali dominates as the announcers bicker with Christian. It’s your typical “little guy does everything he can to one-up the big man” deal, ending with Ziggler latching his sleeper hold on Khali. Johnny Ace immediately rings the bell and claims Ziggler won by submission. Teddy Long gets on the mic and calls shenanigans. He demands that Ziggler get back in the ring or he’ll be counted out. Dolph chooses to lose via count out, and as he heads up the ramp Kofi and Santino throw him back into the ring to get cut down by Khali.

The Miz and Daniel Bryan head to the ring as Miz acts like a giddy little groupie, telling Bryan they need to win because of everything Miz has done for his career. A surreal moment, to say the least.

Lockout: Con Air in Space.

CM Punk and Sheamus vs Daniel Bryan and The Miz
I think it is HILARIOUS that the fans boo AJ’s good luck kiss to Daniel Bryan. Sheamus starts with DB, but Bryan immediately tags in Miz. Sheamus goes to work on Miz and tags in Punk, who works over Miz before making another quick tag to Sheamus. Daniel Bryan gets in a cheap shot, so Sheamus tosses him into the ring. This allows Miz to kick Sheamus out of the ring. He distracts the ref long enough for DB to nail a huge missile drop kick as we head to commercial.

I really, really hope The Miz doesn’t interfere in any main event next Sunday. Want him to cost Team Teddy Long the match at Wrestlemania? That’s fine with me. Just keep him out of screwy main event finishes, please.

We’re back as The Miz has Sheamus grounded until the Great White nails a back body drop before tagging in Punk! As Punk nails the corner bulldog, he hilariously motions for AJ to call him some time! DB distracts the WWE Champion, which allows Miz to hit his DDT. Bryan gets tagged in and obliterates Punk with a grinding knee to the face. The crowd chants “Danny Boy” so it looks like Sheamus did his job well earlier in the night. Michael Cole ironically says that his real name is Daniel and it’s insulting to call him otherwise (despite the fact it’s really Bryan). Miz escapes out of the GTS for his neckbreaker combo, but Punk stops the second part with a high roundhouse kick! Both men are down as Miz manages to tag in Bryan. He tries to stop Punk from crawling to his corner but it’s to no avail as the Great White gets in and pounds the shit out of Bryan in the ropes. DB tags in Miz and runs, so Sheamus ends Miz with a Brogue Kick.

That was an abrupt ending, but it did it’s job. Well, the show was decent to say the least. Honestly, what else could they do from now until ‘Mania? I would have liked to see Christian actually wrestle.

For those of you keeping track of my video game references last week, here’s the full list:

1. Chrono Trigger
2. Bionic Commando
3. Castlevania II
4. Mario and Luigi: Superstar Saga
5. Ghosts ‘n Goblins
6. King of the Monsters II
7. The Legend of Zelda
8. Monster Party
9. Punch Out!!
10. Super Mario Bros 3

Also, check out the latest Stomping Ground as I delve into how the Nexus angle and Anonymous GM should have played out.

So long, and thanks for all the fish.

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