This week, I’m a bit pressed for time. I’m going through TNA at RECORD speed. Part of this is because I have a half-column I’m working on for tomorrow, and part of it is because TNA is… you know, terrible. Last week was just unbelievable.
TNA Impact Wrestling
Bobby Roode still sucks. He bought the Orlando Police department. Or something. They came down to the ring with him and did everything he said. TNA must pay more than we think. Storm comes out and talks. He tries to fight Roode. Bully Ray jumps him from behind and the cops did nothing. Storm kicks Ray’s ass and the cops did nothing. Roode bails. The cops do absolutely nothing. They just left. Storm wants to fight Roode and Ray at once.
Heroin Girl doesn’t want to be friends with Gail Kim anymore. So Gail Kim got her a crown, because Heroin Girl is her queen. Heroin Girl is happy now.
Heroin Queen .vs. Velvet Skye
I don’t think so.
Winner: Joseph Hargrove
After the match, Velvet got a microphone and didn’t perform as well as I assumed she would in front of a phallicly-shaped device.
They show Dixie and Hulk Hogan talking, via a camera that is spying on them while they are on a park bench. Creepy. Dixie continues playing the dumb girl role that she’s been practicing for years. They spend 3 minutes of airtime talking about nothing, and all we get out of it is that Hulk will be on Impact tonight.
Kurt Angle hates Jeff Hardy. And he hates his kid. Angle wants Hardy to fight Ken Anderson.
Austin Aries comes out. Tenay says he is taking time from Crimson .vs. Matt Morgan. So he’s clearly the biggest babyface in TNA. Anyway, he’s mad at Bully Ray. He wants to team up with Storm against Ray and Roode.
Matt Morgan .vs. Crimson
The ring could not contain such awesome wrestling. Double-count out.
Winner: No One
Jeff Hardy .vs. Ken Anderson
Fucking awesome matches tonight. Jeff Hardy painted eyeballs on his eyelids. The commentary for these matches is mostly involving talking about how Hulk Hogan will show up and talk to Sting and Dixie again.
Winner: Ken Anderson
James Storm Music Video
So this is an actual thing, but it turns out that James Storm doesn’t sing a line of this song. Another guy sings it, but at one point Storm DOES lip-synch. The music video features Storm drinking in a bar mixed with random wrestling shots. At one point, a guy in a bar harasses this girl and Storm doesn’t like that. So he talks to the guy. Then more wrestling shots. Later on, he drinks with the girl-harassing guy. Until that guy passes out. Then some slut gives Storm a room key so he says goodbye to his buddies before going to fuck her. They then show him driving his truck, because it’s not like we just watched him consume no less than 20 drinks and shots. The confederate flag is painted over his rear windshield. Awesome stuff.
Eric Young is planning his wedding. He’s got a wedding planner. They work out some details. This proves to be a challenge because Eric Young is retarded. Also because the wedding planner seems to want some dick. ODB eventually kicks the wedding planner out and says they’re getting married in a steel cage.
Eric Bischoff is here. So is Garrett Bischoff. Bischoff wants Garrett to leave. Garrett isn’t leaving. Garrett is going to fight Gunner in a cage at LockDown. Awesome. That went really well last time.
James Storm training montage.
James Storm & Austin Aries .vs. Bobby Roode & Bully Ray
This one wasn’t bad. I guess. Especially compared to everything else on the show. Crowd very much behind Aries. Storm pins Ray.
Winners: James Storm & Austin Aries
Dixie comes out. Hogan comes out. The commentary in every single match tonight has built this up. I legit can’t believe that Hulk Hogan and Sting are the central focus of a wrestling show. In 2012. That’s absolutely amazing to me.
Hogan and Dixie talk. Sting comes out with babyfaces in tow. It’s the speech you would expect, until Hogan talks about how TNA is in serious trouble. That was pretty funny. Hogan accepts. He runs TNA now. Again.
That’s it for this week. “Air Up There” goes up tomorrow. Thanks for reading, have a good weekend, and enjoy WrestleMania.
I’ll be in my trailer.
Tags: Abyss, AJ Styles, Anderson, Angle, beer money, Bischoff, Bully Ray, Cena, chris jericho, christian, Chyna, cm punk, Crystal, CZW, D-Von, Daniels, DGUSA, dixie carter, Dreamer, edge, FD Swayze, Flair, Fortune, Hardy, Harris, Hogan, immortal, impact, Interinactivity, Jarrett, jericho, Kaz, miz, NXT, Orton, pope, Raw, Rob Van Dam, Rock, ROH, Roode, Sabin, Samoa Joe, Shelley, Smackdown, STD, Steiner, Sting, storm, suicide, Swayze, Team 3D, The Rock, TNA, TNA Wrestling, vince, WWE, Y2J