Welcome back to everyone’s favorite train wreck of a column, the Obnoxious Smackdown Breakdown. This week, Kelly gives us her thoughts on Wrestlemania XXVIII (as if you haven’t had enough of those already) and we watch an episode of Smackdown that (hopefully) doesn’t involve a bunch of video packages.
As they say on Impact, TO THE BACK!!!
Kelly’s Drunken Wrestlemania Rant
Mike: Welcome back, Joseph Hargrove (he’s our only reader, right?), to our weekly and quite off-track review of Friday Night Smackdown!
Kelly: Hey, we’re actually able to get this done on time, thanks to my work holiday. Count it as a win.
Mike: Well, last week was abysmal. Even Scott Keith couldn’t turn Smackdown into a winner.
Kelly: It’s to be expected. Though, I sure do hope we were entertaining enough to make it work.
Mike: I looked back at our “work.” It was not our best.
Kelly: I blame Glazer.
Mike: Since he’s not here this week, me too.
Kelly: That bastard.
Mike: Anywho, I thought it would be a good idea to get back in the good graces of our readers by allowing you to speak your mind about Wrestlemania. You know, since you never bothered to tell anyone what you thought of the show.
Kelly: No one asked. Can’t blame me there. But I’m a woman, therefore, I love to talk and force others to listen…er…read.
Mike: Thrilling. Well, let’s get started. What did you think of what I shall heretofore sarcastically refer to as “Eighteen Seconds of Magic”?
Kelly: Enough about our last tryst. I can’t comment on that match. I’m still waiting on my World Heavyweight bout.
Mike: I suppose I set you up perfectly for that little insult, but I’ll let it slide this time. Any thoughts on the Randy Orton/Kane encounter? And I’m not referring to the sex dream you had last night involving yourself and the two of them.
Kelly: For the last time, I like them authentically brown. Anyway. I thought it was interesting. Kane coming up victorious wasn’t something I really expected…I hope something legitimate will follow for him.
Mike: Yes, and dogs and cats will finally live together in peace. Moving on. How about the Rhodes/Big Show slobberknocker?
Kelly: I’m fairly certain I strained something with how hard I rolled my eyes after that one. Sure, Cody has held that thing for about…42 years. But Big Show? Of all things…
Mike: Extra! Extra! Your thoughts on Miss Maria Menounos, please.
Mike: I think it’s pronounced “NXT.” But I don’t see what that has to do with the Divas tag match.
Kelly: Nope, it’s pronounced “next”…as in, “fuck talking about this hot mess, and move on to another.” I refuse to discuss the excuse to work a celebrity in and shimmy where necessary.
Mike: End of an Era.
Kelly: Oh boy. Not sure if it was the nostalgia or if it had just been a minute since the last time I saw them, but I loved this match. I think there was a genuine question of whether or not the streak would end. I just remember hanging on each near-pinfall and watching the two go at it, and you bet your ass I celebrated the final three-count.
Mike: Such a mark. Glazer and I just sat there for every near-fall while evryone around us jumped up and “ooh”ed and “ahh”ed. It was quite comical. Now for Team Edward vs Team Jacob…..I mean Team Gale vs Team Peeta…no, that’s not right……..
Kelly: I don’t care. I loved it. And wow, I barely got that last reference. Stick to a series I know, bro. Anyway…I’ll be honest, that match was kind of a smoke break for me. And by kind of, I mean I went outside and smoked a cigarette while it was on the small screen across the patio. And I don’t regret a second of it.
Mike: Your lungs probably do. How about that Punk/Jericho gem?
Kelly: Now that was incredible. Did I expect more? Absolutely. But I know I built it up in my head too much. You have two of my very favorite wrestlers, Jericho being my favorite of all time, tearing each other apart. Of course, I was rooting for Jericho to take it, and was disappointed when he didn’t. But, what can you do?
Mike: Hey, I’m the one asking the questions here! What are your thoughts on The Rock and John Cena?
Kelly: Here we go. I was so disappointed by that match before it even began. Booking it a year in advance was such a shitty thing to do in the first place, especially when Rock barely put in the time. But the match itself serving as the main event and ending as it did was just foul. I’ve never been one to like Cena, but I was rooting for that cartoon bastard the entire time. I guess I’m just curious to see what purpose it served, if any at all.
Mike: Harsh words from a harsh woman. Final thoughts on the show overall?
Kelly: In comparison to recent years, not a bad show. Of course, Wrestlemania 26 will forever be my favorite, simply because it was the first one I attended. Last year’s was pretty shit-tacular, but we all know that. Honestly, I didn’t hate it. I just kind of wish a few details would change. Like the robbery of Daniel Bryan’s match. And the victory of The Tooth Fairy. And Kelly Kelly’s employment.
Mike: All righty then. Let’s get on to Smackdown!
Kelly: Let’s do it.
The show opens with an image of the late, great Jay Strongbow. We then cut to David Otunga, who introduces John Laurinaitis as the new GM of Smackdown. John asks for Teddy Long to come out and basically blackmails him into working under Laurinaitis by holding Teddy’s grandchildren’s college funds hostage.
Mike: RIP Chief Jay Strongbow. My dad was a huge fan of his back in the day.
Kelly: Very sad, indeed.
Mike: Here’s Starscream, ready to intro his boss. Isn’t it funny how Laurinaitis’s voice sounds just like Megatron from the Transformers ‘toon?
Kelly: Otunga looks like D’Artagnan’s favorite stripper.
Mike: What is this “People Power” propaganda he keeps spewing?
Kelly: I was barely listening.
Mike: Teddy says that being unemployed gives him the freedom to tell Johnny to fuck off.
Mike: Hold up, Johnny wants Teddy to work for him.
Kelly: They’re forcing Otunga to be the voice of reason, here. This is strange.
Mike: Why can’t they just let Teddy disappear for a few months?
Kelly: Because there is no god.
Mike: I’m right here.
Kelly: I want to roll my eyes, but I’m kind of turned on.
Mike: “When someone asks you if you’re a god, you say YES!”
Kelly: Please tell my drunk brain that was a Star Wars quote.
Mike: WHAT?! Ghostbusters, you harlot!
Kelly: AGHH. I knew that. Fuckin’ beer.
Handicap Match: Mark Henry and David Otunga vs R-Truth
Mike: Well, we’ve got R-Truth vs Mark Henry and David Otunga up next.
Kelly: This should be…something.
Mike: Here comes R-Truth with “Little Jimmy” in tow. If he’s anything like HBK’s tag team partner, “God,” he won’t be a team player.
Kelly: His pants really say “you gone get got.” This is why we need to fund our public schools.
Mike: Truth is in control, but Otunga kicks out of the Spinning Corkscrew. That’s a big step up from jobbing to the Cobra. Henry gets tagged in and nails the World’s Strongest Slam, but Otunga demands the tag. Kane heads to the ring and I guess his match is next!
Kelly: Otunga barely has time to celebrate the victory before Kane’s violent pyro flares up.
Kelly: Apparently, we have a live Smackdown around the corner.
Mike: Yeah. It’s to promote Legends House, which seems to be heading to a network other than the WWE.
Kelly: Sounds kind of interesting, actually. But I’ve had a bit to drink.
No Disqualification: Randy Orton vs Kane
Mike: Here comes Orton, looking especially oily. How long was he…ahem, “in there” this time, Kelly?
Kelly: I’d really like to find where this “Kelly hearts Randy” rumor originated. Anyone with information will be rewarded.
Mike: You started it. Months ago.
Mike: This No DQ brawl heads to the outside as Kane introduces Randy’s skull to the announce table.
Kelly: Kane looks to the steel steps next, but Randy won’t have it.
Mike: Kane is in control as Booker T says it’s going to get hot and heavy tonight.
Kelly: Here’s hoping.
Mike: I’m not in the mood. I have a headache. It’s that time of the month.
Kelly: Bummer. The two make their way to the stage.
Mike: Orton nearly gets tossed off the stage but he fights it! Kane instead DDTs him into a commercial break.
Kelly: We come back and both are back in the ring.
Mike: Kane is exposing the turnbuckle. Think of the children, Glen!
Kelly: Orton avoids it, but Kane regains control.
Mike: The Big Red Machine has been in control for most of the match.
Kelly: Kane climbs to the top rope, but Randy’s boot kills the momentum.
Mike: And his balls.
Kelly: Annnd…both move back outside the ring.
Mike: Kane gets whipped into the barricade and clotheslined over it!
Kelly: Kane flings chairs everywhere after making Orton kiss the ground.
Mike: There’s about five chairs in the ring. Chair shots to the kidney!
Kelly: Orton with his patented DDT.
Mike: On a chair, mind you. Kane still kicks out!
Kelly: RKO fails, and Randy is assaulted by the chair.
Mike: The Viper kicks out but Kane’s not done yet.
Kelly: Finally hits the RKO after sending Kane into the exposed turnbuckle, for the victory.
Mike: That was a fun little contest.
Kelly: Not too shabby.
Skip Sheffield re-debuts as Ryback and squashes a jobber from Queens, NY.
Mike: We get stills of the Bryan/Sheamus “match,” which actually lasts longer than what we saw live.
Kelly: Ha! A Diva’s match was longer…you know something is wrong, then.
Mike: Who is this Barry Stevens whelp?
Kelly: IS THAT WHO I THINK IT IS?! SKIPPPPPPPP!
Mike: The Cornfed Meathead?
Kelly: I love him. Skip…or, Ryback…makes easy work of Barry Whoever.
Mike: Nice hanging suplex.
Kelly: Oh boy. D-Bry walking backstage.
Mike: I bought his new T-shirt today.
Mike: No, Mike. I also bought an old school Jericohol shirt.
Kelly: Okay, that I like.
Daniel Bryan is in-ring for a promo in which he blames AJ for his Wrestlemania screw-up. He then breaks up with her.
Mike: D-Bry is in the ring with AJ.
Kelly: AJ verbally fellates Bryan as the crowd eats it up.
Mike: YES! YES! YES!
Kelly: I like how he turned it. Their chants and cheers are “mocking” him. Good save, bro.
Mike: Brilliant. Are they seriously chanting “18 seconds”?!
Kelly: Sounds like it. Hard to hear over my own cackling at AJ’s stupid face.
Mike: She’s adorable!
Kelly: No words.
Mike: Don’t break up with her, Bryan!
Kelly: Again, I’ve seen better acting in porn.
Mike: He calls her “dead weight,” but does she really weigh anything at all?
Kelly: 57 pounds is a lot for some people.
Mike: The production crew is finagling with the sound bites from the crowd.
Kelly: I thought it sounded off.
Mike: Yay! Wrestlemania XXIX in my neck of the woods!
Kelly: And I’ll be there for it. Boom!
Mike: I’m going too.
Big Show vs Heath Slater
Mike: Cody Rhodes is at ringside to do commentary for our next match.
Kelly: Slater with the jobber entrance as Show walks out with his new belt.
Mike: Only four other guys have held the number of different titles that Show now holds.
Kelly: Nifty. Show destroys the ginger, Chokeslam, done-ski.
Mike: Thunderous choke slam. Ouch.
Kelly: Cody stares down the giant, timidly walking towards the ring.
Mike: Show delivers the KO to Slater to tempt Cody into the ring.
Kelly: Cody retreats like a small dog running from a vacuum cleaner.
Mike: Here’s a recap of Y2J dousing CM Punk in Jim Beam.
Kelly: That actually appears to be my best friend, Jack Daniels. Ugh. New Year’s Eve flashbacks…I’d vomit on the spot with that much whiskey dumped on me.
John Laurinaitis is in his office with the Bellas as Sheamus interrupts.
Mike: The Bellas are backstage with Johnny Ace as Brie says “I told you so!” to her sis.
Kelly: Sheamus threatens John with a colorful metaphor.
Mike: I love his stories.
Beth Phoenix vs Nikki Bella
Kelly: My girl Beth is rollin’ out now.
Mike: And here comes Nikki Bella. Why is Kelly Kelly at ringside?
Kelly: I don’t wear heels, because I drink a lot and would probably die. But I would, just to drive one into Kelly Kelly’s skull.
Mike: Kelly distracts Beth long enough for Nikki to hit the X-Factor for the win!
Mike: Sweet. A tribute to Strongbow.
Kelly: This really hurts my heart.
A promo airs for the debuting Damien Sandow. His character is that of a smug, scholarly heel. We then get the obligatory Raw Rebound of Brock Lesnar’s return.
Mike: Damien Sandow….why does his name sound familiar? He reminds me of Lanny Poffo.
Kelly: Not sold on him.
Mike: Here’s the recap of Brock Lesnar’s big return.
Kelly: Ah, one more return ruined by Facebook before I could watch.
Mike: I thought the Miami crowd would have done that for you.
Kelly: You can never believe it until it happens.
Mike: Like how the Three Stooges will be on Raw Monday?
Kelly: Thank god for FSW on Thursday. And Alberto del Rio right now.
Mike: I love me some Ricardo Rodriguez.
Sheamus vs Alberto del Rio
Mike: So far, so good. The crowd pops huge for Sheamus.
Kelly: Now this is a damn main event I can get on board with.
Mike: Sheamus gets the early advantage as he overpowers del Rio.
Kelly: But del Rio won’t take it, backing Sheamus into a corner. He attempts to strike but is met with Sheamus’s foot.
Mike: Alberto starts to work over Sheamus’s arm.
Kelly: Cross arm breaker attempt, fails. Brogue kick, fails.
Mike: Commercial break…succeeds!
Kelly: While we’re talking about it, NO ONE ELSE ENTER TO WIN THE FREE TRIP TO WRESTLEMANIA 29. I want to win. That is all.
Mike: We’re back as Sheamus hits his shoulder tackle from the ring apron.
Kelly: Sheamus launched outside of the ring as Alberto dodges the Celtic Warrior.
Mike: Del Rio nails a kick to the side of the head of the Great White on the ring apron, sending him back to the outside!
Kelly: Steel steps being put to good use, as both roll back in and del Rio tries to capitalize.
Mike: Irish Curse backbreaker puts things back in Sheamus’s favor!
Kelly: Big slam from Sheamus, and the crowd loves it. Ricardo distracts but Sheamus stops Alberto from attacking.
Mike: Alberto brings in a steel chair but Sheamus stops him and threatens to use it. Del Rio acts as though the champ used it and the referee believes him! DQ victory for del Rio!
Kelly: After the call is made, ref eats a wicked Brogue Kick and Alberto saunters off, Sheamus seething.
Mike: I like how del Rio pulled out the “Eddie Guerrero” card.
Kelly: My hero.
Mike: So I guess the WWE is going to have “vices” as the theme for this month, what with alcoholism for Punk and rage for Sheamus.
Kelly: Add rage to any of them, and I’m on board. But I’m twisted like that.
Mike: I suppose so. Final thoughts?
Kelly: I actually liked this episode. The bullshit was cut to a minimum and we saw some pretty good wrestling, in my opinion.
Mike: I enjoyed the Kane/Orton match and the main event wasn’t too bad either. Well, I guess that’s a wrap. As always, so long…
Kelly: And thanks for all the fish.
Tags: aj lee, alberto del rio, Bella Twins, Beth Phoenix, big show, Brock Lesnar, Chief Jay Strongbow, chris jericho, cm punk, Cody Rhodes, Damien Sandow, Daniel Bryan, David Otunga, Heath Slater, Intercontinental Championship, john cena, John Laurinaitis, kane, Kelly Floyd, Kelly Kelly, Maria Menounos, Mark Henry, Mike Gojira, R-Truth, randy orton, ryback, shawn michaels, sheamus, Smackdown, Teddy Long, The Rock, triple h, undertaker, World Heavyweight Championship, WrestleMania XXVIII, WWE, wwe championship