Hey hey, kids! It’s your old pal Mike Gojira along with token female wrestling fan, Kelly Floyd, and boy do we have a show for you! We hope. I’m gonna be honest with you: the last time Mick Foley showed up on Smackdown, it was probably one of my darkest days here at the Pulse. At least this time we’ve got other old-timers, so that’s a plus.
The show opens with “Mean” Gene Okerlund in the ring to introduce Sheamus. The World Heavyweight Champion apologizes to referee Chad Patton for kicking his head off last week. Johnny Ace shows up and says that’s not good enough. If he touches another official, he’s fired. Also, tonight he will team up with Gene to face Alberto del Rio and Daniel Bryan.
Kelly: Hello boys and girls! Thanks for joining us so soon! This week we have a live Smackdown, which means absolutely nothing for us, as we are very DVR friendly.
Mike: Very. Hey, any chance this show is actually about the Smackdown wrestlers and not at all a promo for a new WWE reality show?
Kelly: Well, I’ve never been one for optimism, so…
Mike: Ooh, Piper’s Pit with Daniel Bryan!
Kelly: Mean Gene introduces Mister Sheamus. And the Daniel Bryan chants begin already.
Mike: Gotta love the crowd.
Kelly: He’s apologizing for his actions towards the ref? What a female.
Mike: He’s a face; it’s in his contract.
Kelly: Doesn’t mean I have to like it. Johnny appears with a tune that randomly reminds me of Jon Stewart’s theme.
Mike: I HATE this theme. It’s worse than Wade Barrett’s. Now we get a recap of what happened last week.
Kelly: Sheamus is so sassy.
Mike: I think that was one of his cousins…Sassy McPotato.
Kelly: Too many apologies. Now bored.
Mike: Laurinaitis says he didn’t hear Sheamus’s apology to Chad Patton. Does Johnny know the irony of this? I mean, we can barely hear HIM.
Kelly: So, Daniel Bryan and Alberto del Rio will take on Sheamus and…Mean Gene?
Mike: I don’t like del Rio and Bryan’s chances.
Kelly: Looks like the Viper will be making an appearance next.
Mike: And we get a cameo of Cowboy Bob Orton cheering on his son. It’s too bad Undertaker’s not here to yell at Orton for having hepatitis.
Randy Orton vs Mark Henry
Kelly: I kind of keep forgetting about Orton.
Mike: Well you’ve always got him crammed in there…
Kelly: Oh my goodness fucking gracious, Randy is not my type.
Mike: But I hear Rey Mundo is.
Kelly: My heart belongs to…no one. It doesn’t exist. Oh hey look. Mark Henry.
Mike: I call a no contest, since Henry is getting a title shot against Punk next Monday.
Kelly: I’ll be sure to read the highlights on that one.
Mike: I put money on Kane attacking Cowboy Bob.
Kelly: This match is doing absolutely nothing for me, at the moment.
Mike: Henry has Orton in the corner as Booker T and Cole fight over whether Punk can beat Henry.
Kelly: Henry manhandles Orton, backing him into a corner.
Mike: Orton manages to knock Henry off his feet and calls for the draping DDT……uh oh, Henry fights back with a World’s Strongest Slam! Orton slips out and goes for an RKO but that’s countered!
Kelly: Orton tumbles outside the ring, landing like a test dummy, but drives Henry into the steel post twice.
Mike: Heeeeeeere’s Kane! Wanna bet he’s got Papa Orton in tow?
Kelly: I do not want to take that bet. And that’s why. There’s Mr. Orton.
Mike: Orton leaves the ring to go save his dad. No contest? Check. Cowboy Bob hurt? Check. I am good at this.
Kelly: Apparently. Did I just hear an F-Bomb?
Mike: Kane levels Randy with a hammer. Gotta love the one-liners. “I’m a sucker for family reunions.”
A bunch of WWE Legends (including Hillbilly Jim, Tony Atlas, and Ted DiBiase) observe Ryback beat the holy fuck out of a jobber named Benny Camer.
Kelly: Holy. God. Is that who I think it is?
Mike: Look at all these old timers listening to Benny Camer. Poor kid.
Kelly: And here comes my future bestie, Skip Shef…er…Ryback.
Mike: DID YOU SEE THAT FUCKING CLOTHESLINE?!
Mike: Falling Muscle Buster ends it.
Heath Slater and Tyson Kidd chat backstage about their tag match with the Usos. Slater says they have the perfect manager for the job…Jimmy Hart!
Kelly: Slater and Kidd chit-chatting about their match against the Usos.
Mike: Jimmy Hart’s their manager? Hahaha!
Kelly: Kill it with fire.
Mike: Say, tell the fans one of your favorite Jimmy Hart moments from the past.
Kelly: Favorite is such a strong word.
Mike: So…what’s your fave Hart moment?
Kelly: The one where he fades to black and we go to commercial.
The Usos vs Heath Slater and Tyson Kidd
Kelly: Foley makes his way out, followed by Slater and Kidd…and of course, Hart.
Mike: Let’s not forget Mick Foley is out for commentary. Based on his last few WWE appearances, that’s an omen.
Kelly: Usos out, bell rings, and it’s on.
Mike: Series of arm drags winds up with Tyson on the apron.
Kelly: Slater in, doing his best to win one, but the Usos won’t have it.
Mike: Meanwhile, Jimmy Hart uses his megaphone to bother Foley. Mick has had enough and chases Jimmy away, allowing the Usos to get the win off the distraction.
Kelly: After the victory, Socko strikes! Okay, now we’re done.
Mike: I’m honestly surprised they haven’t once mentioned the Legends House.
Piper’s Pit: Roddy Piper interviews Daniel Bryan and AJ, who says that she believes Bryan is still a great man. Piper thinks she’s delusional. Bryan says he gets his rematch with Sheamus at Extreme Rules in a 2-out-of-3 falls contest.
Mike: Ah, Hot Rod. Gotta love this guy.
Kelly: He’s ruined for me, ever since the unfortunate episode of Walker, Texas Ranger that was autotuned. Oh well. Should be interesting.
Mike: He looks good these days. Remember when he and his gut teamed up with Ric Flair?
Mike: It was during the Cyber Sunday/Taboo Tuesday days.
Kelly: Here’s Daniel Bryan!
Mike: YES! YES! YES!
Kelly: So Bryan gets his rematch, evidently.
Mike: I can’t wait to hear how Piper tries to get the crowd to turn on D-Bry.
Kelly: Speaking of which, what on earth are they chanting.
Mike: “18 seconds.”
Kelly: Got it. My ears suck. So, a 2 out of 3 falls match? Hm.
Mike: See? Piper likes AJ, too!
Mike: She’s got Stockholm’s Syndrome. Love it!
Kelly: Like a good bitch. Why does the focus seem to solely be on this bitch. I really just don’t care.
Mike: Because she’s adorable!!!
Kelly: If you say so, hoss.
Mike: Piper just basically called Bryan a coward.
Kelly: Nice little bitch slap to Roddy, and it’s over.
Mike: That was actually fun.
Great Khali, Natalya, and Alicia Fox vs Drew McIntyre and the Bella Twins
Kelly: Oh hey look. Natalya.
Mike: A six-man mixed gender tag team match? Interesting. Hey, it’s the Bellas….who are gone at the end of the month.
Kelly: Jeez. Was about to write what was going on, and boom, Alicia Fox pins a Bella.
Mike: Oh god. Mae Young.
Kelly: Oh holy shit.
Kelly: She moves with more agility than Khali, though.
Mike: After kissing Mae Young, Khali now has the taste of formaldehyde in his mouth.
Damien Sandow is back with another sermon; this time, he talks about how social media is ruining society. We get a health update on the Ortons and a Raw Rebound featuring Brock Lesnar.
Kelly: Damien Sandow, rambling once more.
Mike: I actually agree with everything he’s saying.
Kelly: In case we have forgotten about Randy’s debacle earlier, and the recap that followed, we get to watch it once more!
Mike: Silly goose, that’s because we’re getting an update!
Kelly: So just say it. GOD.
Mike: Apparently Bob Orton did NOT suffer an arm injury, but an abdominal one. No arm cast.
Kelly: Raw Rebound. Lesnar. Cena. Yeah.
Mike: Lesnar is a freakin’ beast.
Kelly: I do agree with you there.
Mike: What I don’t agree with is how they’re using Cena to feud with Johnny Ace instead of CM Punk.
Kelly: I know, what the dick happened there?
Mike: Maybe they’ll use Brock to get Cena off TV for a while.
Hacksaw Jim Duggan vs Hunico
Mike: Hacksaw vs Hunico. Joy.
Kelly: Very odd. But I can get on board. Oh boy. Sgt. Slaughter marches out.
Mike: DQ win for Hunico thanks to the ol’ 2×4.
Kelly: And the youngsters are embarrassed by the legends.
Mike: Well, that was….something.
Cody Rhodes and Dusty Rhodes have a quick chat in the ring that goes nowhere once Big Show comes out to embarrass Cody again.
Kelly: Cody Rhodes in the ring, up for a chat.
Mike: Here comes a common man!!!
Kelly: Wish we could see Goldie, too.
Mike: Remember when Dusty came out to applaud Cody’s heel tactics? Wanna bet he’s here to admonish him now? Fucking hypocrite.
Kelly: Well, weren’t Cody and Goldie bickering with each other for about five minutes this year? The latter was namedropping Poppa Bear left and right. What happened to that?
Mike: Here comes Big Show, channeling Dusty’s lisp.
Kelly: He’s going to show “The Real Cody Rhodes” tonight…seatbelts, please. Ha! Old “Dashing” videos!
Mike: That WAS embarrassing.
Kelly: Cody retreats, and Dusty…busts a move.
Mike: He looks like a Shar Pei on its death bed.
Kelly: Yeah, he’s not looking so good these days…
Sheamus and “Mean” Gene Okerlund vs Alberto del Rio and Daniel Bryan
Kelly: Daniel Bryan is in the ring, and is joined by tag team partner Alberto del Rio.
Mike: If Sheamus touches another ref (inappropriately) he’s fired. OH NOES!
Kelly: Fingers crossed, no shenanigans.
Mike: How cool is it to have Howard Finkel announce your entrance?
Kelly: If you look closely enough, you can actually see Sheamus marking out.
Mike: It was great to have Punk use Finkel at Survivor Series to counter Ricardo.
Kelly: Oh! I liked that! Bell rings, and del Rio and Bryan gang up on Sheamus right off the bat.
Mike: Sheamus gets some sense of control but winds up outside after a missed Brogue Kick.
Kelly: Del Rio takes advantage while Sheamus is outside the ring, landing a solid kick.
Mike: Gene’s in the ring and Ricardo is picking a fight with him! Here comes Hot Rod and the entire 1980s locker room!
Kelly: So many old timers! Ready to get down to business! Bryan argues with Roddy and Sheamus lands the Brogue Kick to win it.
Mike: Ricardo is stuck in the ring taking all their finishers! Hahaha!
Kelly: It was completely predictable, and a definite nostalgia-trip for fans, but shit…I enjoyed that!
Mike: Just that moment, right? Because the majority of this night blew worse than you do.
Kelly: First of all, yes, just that moment (though, Cole just started talking, so I may have spoken too soon). Second, bitch, I rock your world.
Mike: You wish. Here’s Michael Cole, who gets in the ring and gets decked by Pat Patterson. God knows where THAT fist has been.
Kelly: So, as terrible as you thought it would be?
Mike: Yeah, pretty damn bad. Only two things of note: Kane is still fighting Randy Orton, and Bryan gets his rematch at Extreme Rules. Final thoughts?
Kelly: I’m not used to doing this during the week, so my brain shut down about an hour and 27 minutes ago. Ask me tomorrow.
Mike: My brain shut down once Mick Foley appeared. For some reason, he consistently brings down the quality of a show these days. Remember the Christmas episode?
Kelly: Not really. But, I had a mimosa glued to my hand that day and again, I’m brain dead right now. Though, I believe you when you say it was terrible, dear.
Mike: On the bright side, the latest edition of The Stomping Ground should be up by the time you folks read this dreck, so…ya. As always, so long….
Kelly: And thanks for all the fish.
Tags: aj lee, alberto del rio, alicia fox, Bella Twins, big show, Booker T, Brock Lesnar, cm punk, Cody Rhodes, Damien Sandow, Daniel Bryan, Drew McIntyre, Dusty Rhodes, extreme rules, Great Khali, Hacksaw Jim Duggan, Heath Slater, Hillbilly Jim, Howard Finkel, hunico, jimmy hart, john cena, John Laurinaitis, kane, Kelly Floyd, Mae Young, Mark Henry, mean gene okerlund, Michael Cole, Mick Foley, Mike Gojira, Million Dollar Man Ted Dibiase, Natalya, Pat Patterson, randy orton, Ricardo Rodriguez, Roddy Piper, ryback, sergeant slaughter, sheamus, Smackdown, the usos, Tony Atlas, Tyson Kidd, World Heavyweight Championship, WWE