Hello, and welcome to my first column for this website! I think I have the dubious distinction of recapping TNA-I mean IMPACT Wrestling for Thursday 4/12/12…
Come to think of it, they STILL haven’t figured out on what they REALLY want to call themselves, so I’ll switch between the two dependent on how I feel (See: Lazy)…
Anyway, before I begin, let me tell you how I plan on going about this:
Some people go about the “Star” rating system, some decide to just cover the matches. I’m going to go on a VERY simple Four-Point Method…
If the Match/Segment is horrendous, it serves no purpose, cut way too short, drug out way too long, or has zero effect to the storyline/transition, I will give the segment an AWFUL.
If the Match/Segment somewhat accomplished it’s intended purpose, took too long to get there (prolonging the effect), was cut short (cheapening the effect), or have very little effect to the storyline/transition, I will usually give it a DECENT.
If the Match/Segment accomplished it’s purpose, was nicely timed/paced, accomplished what it intended, and had a good effect on the storyline/transition, I will give it a GOOD rating.
And the rarest of the rare. The GREAT rating is where the Match/Segment hit every, single, mark, there is (or very close to). It takes you in and envelopes you in a warm blanket of AWESOMENESS and makes you feel like you just went ten rounds with Katy Perry (…in bed…). I’m a very HARD grader (he hee…), and only about 10 times (off the top of my head) that I have given this out, it’s basically equivalent to 5-Stars in other circles.
By default, the segment/match rating starts at DECENT. It is up to the wrestlers/performers/entertainers (or whatever the hell they call themselves nowadays) to impress me.
NOW LET’S GET IT ON!!!
TNA IMPACT WRESTLING
APRIL 12, 2012, 9pm EST (4am African/Asamaran)
“LIVE” from the depths of Universal Studios in front of…Uh…2,000?…
Note that has NOTHING to do with IMPACT Wrestling: GOD! I miss my UFC on Spike BEFORE TNA. Now they have this show called “Jails”…Redneck TV at it’s FINEST /sarcasim/.
And speaking of Redneck TV at it’s finest!…
We continue our Road to Lockdown with a video rundown of what happened last week. Supposedly, HOGANMANIA™ was running WILD, brother! They talk about the stipulations and I STILL don’t get the whole “never use the Bischoff name again” deal. Mainly because, it makes NO SENSE! I mean, Bischoff IS Eric’s last name, so by default does that mean he has to change his family name?…
Anyway, enough of these conundrums, Easy-E comes out. And he actually gets booed out of the building?…Garrett chants picks up?…Am I in the Twilight Zone, or is this canned heat and Hollywood magic? Cause I don’t think the guy could throw a decent clothesline @SCOTTSTIENER.
Well, E runs down Hogan, and his son, and introduces his DUNGEON OF DOOM, consisting of; Gunner, Karzarian, CALVEZILLA, Mumm-Ra, Darth Mortis, The Mummy, Some Bald Guy, and The Shockmaster!
NOTE: Now all they need is a triple-decker steel cage and we could relive the AWESOMENESS of Uncensored 1995! Yeah!!!
CALVEZILLA gets on the microphone and runs down Garrett. Bischoff talks smack and says Gunner’s up!
This draws out Garrett and them chops!
NOTE: If Bully Ray is CALVEZILLA, I’m OFFICIALLY christening Garrett to be CHOPZILLA!…Your welcome…
CHOPZILLA says that his team is “foaming at the mouth!”…But seriously, Rabies sucks, and if these guys are foaming at the mouth, they MIGHT need to go to the doctor…Either way, he chooses Mr. Anderson, who isn’t foaming at the mouth at all, and I call shenanigans…
RATING: (Did I mention how I despise nepotism?….Yeah, I do…) AWFUL
Back from the commercial and Online Stopwatch, HERE! WE! GO!!
ANDERSON vs. GUNNER
Or not…Damn commercials…Well, this match will be timed via the use of my MIND BULLETS™! And their about as inaccurate as a crossed-eyed man shooting Sears Tower…
And holy mother of ugly prison tats! Good God, I’ve saw better tats on a $2 hooker! I guess if Bully Ray is CALVEZILLA, Garrett is CHOPZILLA, I’ll call Gunner SENIOR UGLY PRISON TATS!
Anyway, SENIOR UGLY PRISION TATS used a combination of POWAH and cheap maneuvers, while Anderson countered with RUTHLESS AGGRESSION!
…Well, that was a short match…Anderson’s ruthless aggression got the better of him and it got him DQ’d. Team Eric -1, Team CHOPZILLA – 0.
Result: Gunner via DQ @ around 4:58.
RATING: (It was WAY too quick of a match, but at least this progressed Anderson’s issues with his loss last week) DECENT
Ok. Seriously. Who is this Macho Man rip-off? And why is he wearing a baby-blue suit? And who’s this Penn Jillette (from Penn and Teller) rip-off? And what is this marriage they speak of? And who’s Chris? Matter of fact, who’s Eric? God!…What the hell is going on here?!
RATING: (Uhhhh….Mind Freak!…) N/A
The Motor City Machineguns are out and Sabin starts us off LoD style by saying that it’s not the size that matters, it’s how you use it-…Oh, I mean it’s the size of their heart (Yeah, I SO went there).
Sabin looked GREAT on the microphone…Too bad Shelley doesn’t. Wow. He needs WORK…It was almost like hearing Muhammad Ali give a dissertation on how to get orange juice…
Anyway, long story short, they say that THEY will be the champs after Lockdown. This draws out the current Tag Team Champs, Magnus and some fat guy…Magnus gets on the microphone and puts over their opponents and their match at Lockdown. But wait! They want to go right now…
Pause for dramatic effect…And…
Cue the music as two Chulos comes out on stage, and the Spanglish has run WILD, HOLMES?… And go figure, in the mother of all holy blatant-ness, they’re called Mexican America?…Seriously?…Couldn’t TNA come up with something, ANYTHING, other than Mexican America?…
Either way, they were just punching bags for Magnus and Joe and MCMG’s, as Anarchia was taken out by Magnus and Joe while MCMG’s took out Hernandez, to the crowd’s delight.
RATING: (So, what was the actual point of this?…To make the Champions and the Challengers credible in their match?…Wouldn’t Beast Mode-ing Tag Team matches achieve better results?…I dunno…) DECENT
DANIELS vs. ARIES
This should be an awesome match…That will probably get almost no ring time…
Anyway, this was more of a Junior Style kind of back and fourth match. Daniels the slower of the two, and took every chance to slow Aries down.
NOTE: What the hell is up with Daniels hand? Did he get some form of frostbite-Oh…That’s tape!…Almost had me there Daniels…Now go get a black glove for Pete’s Sake…Crazy Mr. Clean dudes…
Some good points of the match were the countering, including one where Daniels tried to pull off a funky-Springboard-Rope-Moonsault-thingy, almost messed up his knees and got a Torpedo Dive by Aries. “This is Wrestling” chants start up, as Aries gets called out for using the tights?…Isn’t he a good guy?…Did he forget what side of the fence he’s on now?…
Either way, Aries countered Daniels BME into a BRAINBUSTA!~ For the pin.
RESULT: Aries wins via pin-fall @ 5:52 (See?!…Told ya!)
RATING: DECENT (It would’ve been good, but DAMN™, it got NO time!)
This is unexpected…Jeff Hardy makes a weird appearance as the steel cage is being set up. What’s weirder is that it was like he was shoved out there with little more to talk about than a quick comment about his match with Angle (well that and drugs, and the guy in Cell Block 2E, CREATURES!).
RATING: (It was WAY too awkward to make any sense to me…) AWFUL
Storm and two other guys goes off on a tirade about Roode. Basically continuing the Roode/Storm feud.
RATING: DECENT (I smell payback!…But something tells me the other guys might want some too at Lockdown)
Damn, there are a lot of segments in this show…I wonder if this is a pattern, or something. Anyway, that weird Macho-Man guy with the Rape Face is talking to himself about his marriage. Two Latinas comes in with black fighting robes on?…Are they ring girls for the UFC?…And what’s underneath those robes?…Matter of fact, why isn’t there some cheesy ’70’s music playing in the background?…Damn! These! Conundrums!!
Either way, they offer a 3-way, he runs off, and I keep waiting for a guy in a cheap plumber outfit to come walking through the door…
RATING: (I believe that they were trying to tempt the guy, with Puddi™, but I don’t get the point of it all…) AWFUL
A marriage?…In a cage?…
Oh! So Eric Young was the Macho-Man-Rape-Face dude?…It makes sense now! But who’s that Penn Jillette dude?…Dammit, I’m so confused…
Wait, Eric’s also one-half of the Knockout Tag Team Champions?…So , doesn’t that make this a gay marriage now?…
Oh, and this ODB person is a chick?…Wow, I was actually hoping for ZOMBIE ODB™ (from the Wu-Tang Clan) to come out like Zombie Sinatra from Ugly Americans…But whatever…
So, we’re in one, big, redneck wedding! And all we need now is a shotgun, an angry relative, some cheap whiskey, and a Butterball Ham, and we’re in BUSINESS!!
Anyway, she locks up the cage door, Eric already wants out (don’t blame him), and there’s this “priest” with everything set up. The “priest” babbles on some stuff that I wasn’t paying attention to (something about cages, wild monkeys, or orangutans, I lost attention to it about 10 seconds in…) .
There were some awkwardly timed video packages during their proceedings…The timing wasn’t so much, as the Barry White porno music playing in the background was…
Eric promises to do some kinky-weirdness to ODB (what is her ACTUAL ring name, by the way?…I mean, seriously?…). ODB promises to spank Eric’s ass and give him Puddi™ every-other second (…and I almost vomit). The “priest” gives the most overused statement in modern entertainment today, when he asks to, “Speak now, or forever hold your peace”….
Pause for dramatic effect…
And out pops those Latinas in black ring robes. They blabber on in Spanglish that would make Sophia Vergara jealous, and then finally take off their robes to show us lingerie…They continue twirl around as I go look at Vida Guerra pictures (hey, what can I say, I’m Hispanic)…
Well, ODB isn’t going to let this slide and she takes off her gown to reveal her chunky breasts-esses and takes a shot (checks that off the Redneck Wedding List)…And I change the channel…
Eric looks at ODB, and HE takes off his suit…I vomit up last week’s lunch as he chooses ODB! (Oh noes!)
But, oh no!…Since two people are almost naked, the PRIEST has to get almost naked.
They put a ring on, almost have sex on the mat, and I die a little on the inside…
RATING: (Oh, my, GAWD!…That had to be one of the most painful experiences in my LIFE! It was like getting my ingrown toenails removed all over again! But, at least it gave me so much AWESOME material!) DECENT
Flair is backstage, going all Donald Duck on the rest of the Dungeon of Doom, to hype them up. And CALVEZILLA is next for his match.
RATING: (Not really much of anything, but a set-up) N/A
Quick little hype video about the Storm/Roode feud…And now it’s personal…
RATING: (Again, a hype video, doesn’t really count as the pay-off is at Lockdown) N/A
BULLY RAY vs. AJ STYLES
AJ was the surprise opponent for CALVEZILLA and he brought out Team CHOPZILLA to ringside, and I don’t believe that Aries is comfortable as a good guy, he seems to be stuck in baddie mode so-far.
Anyway, the match was basically CALVEZILLA using underhanded and power moves, while AJ stuck to counter wrestling. As a result, CALVEZILLA was the guy who got most of the offense in this match.
Wait?…Team Eric is now at ringside?…Where the hell did they come from? A magical land of lollipops, and unicorns, and horses that keep calling you “Charlie”?…
Either way, the teams break down into a wild brawl outside the ring and we have MADNESS I tell’s ya, MADNESS!! AJ countered with a Pele to CALVEZILLA’s head, and then attacks Karizan outside?…Wouldn’t the better idea to put an end to CALVEZILLA?…
Either way, one awkward moment lead to another awkward moment as CALVZILLA hit AJ with a chain-wrapped fist to the FACE! (Or at least I THINK that happened, as you didn’t see ANYTHING)
RESULT: Bully Ray via pin-fall @ 7:41
RATING: (The ending took away from a good match, but the story was furthered, so that was good.) DECENT
This springs out HOGANMANIA, BROTHER! And BROTHER, lemme tell you, when this BROTHER BROTHERS! BROTHERS will be BROTHERING BROTHERS, BROTHER! BROTHER, BROTHER, BROTHER, BROTHER!
…Oh, and he makes the Lethal Lockdown match a 5-on-5 match, and gives Eric the 3-Minute Warning (RIP Umaga)! And they come back as DONALD DUCK FLAIR starts loosing ALL his feathers at Hogan!
Through all the quacking, Hogan makes some make-shift excuse that he let Garrett know about this earlier, and Hogan gave the microphone to Garrett, who chooses…ROB VAN DAM!
Smoke fills the stage (he hee), as RVD stumbles out, and BY GAWD, RVD is back! For a “One Shot Deal”!…Crazy stoners…
RATING: (Ok…So who’s the 5th man on Eric’s team?…Where’s the pay-off there?…I don’t know…At least RVD is back, right?…) AWFUL
Anyway, HYPE VIDEO, YEAH! Roode continues their story as he continues to talk smack to Storm about their match. I like how this keeps progressing…
RATING: (Still just a hype video) N/A
KO Tag Team Match
Sorry, I missed most of this match as I was sort of using the bathroom (a #2 in case you wanted to know)…
But I did come back to see some Asian chick beating up on some chick that looked like Pocahontas…And ouch, when you’re supposed to HIT the turnbuckle, not go THROUGH the turnbuckle, like the Asian lady did.
And I’m STILL wondering why these ladies have cheesy porn names…HELL, I’m still trying to figure out how many boob jobs were in that ring!
Either way, that chick with streaks in her hair hit the X-Factor on that Asian chick for the win!
RESULT: That chick with streaks in her hair (and whoever her partner was) @ about 5 minutes
RATING: DECENT? (I don’t know, I guess it was a good match, or something…I was too worried about the culprit in my toilet time)
And here we are! The SHOWDOWN FOR LOCKDOWN gets underway! Storm’s out first, followed by Roode (and some of OVW’s locker room). Roode leaves his goons, guards, whatever, behind as he makes his way into the ring.
Storm wants to talk like the old times (Awwwwwww…..) as he talks about their tag team history. Roode doesn’t deny this history, but then talks about this Bound For Glory series? (What’s this series they speak of? And why should I care?)
Supposedly, this is some sort of a tournament and Roode talks about how he made it to the finals match while Storm was sitting on his ass backstage drinking beers while he beat the guy Storm couldn’t.
Storm interrupts by talking about how Roode lost his match against Angle and how he beat the man Roode couldn’t beat.
Roode then interrupts and talks smack about how he busted a beer bottle over Storm’s head for the win.
This pisses off Storm, who accuses Roode of stealing the title, but also ended their friendship.
Roode cuts off Storm and goes off on Storm about how they always hated each other and accusing him of riding his coattails all these years.
Things gets heated as Storm gets in Roode’s face about friendship and how they are going to kick each other’s ass!
Roode goes OFF, and makes…Things…Personal…About running down ALL of Storm’s family and home state. They look about to fight and then…They…Talk?….
Uh…If someone said what Roode said, wouldn’t a FIGHT break out?…Well they end up nose to nose as the show fades out…
RATING: GOOD (This was an AWESOME job by both guys! I’m still amazed with how poised Roode is behind the microphone. Storm more than held his own, but the ONLY thing that held me back from giving a GREAT rating was the ending. If they busted out a wild Rock-Stone Cold type brawl, then I would’ve put this in rare air. But it told a great story and has me PSYCHED for their cage match at Lockdown, the crowd should be MOLTEN for that match and I can’t wait!)
IMPACT RATING: DECENT (Besides the Main Event segment, the show was fairly forgetful. But everything did accomplish progressing storylines, which was good. But the problem was that I wished that the whole Hogan/Bischoff/Garrett deal DIDN’T involve Hogan, Bischoff, and Garret. If that were the case, then this MIGHT’VE been as good as the last time I’ve watched TNA (2007). But it was still a decent go home show leading up to Lockdown.)
Tags: Bobby Roode, Eric Young, Hulk Hogan, impact, impact wrestling, James Storm, ODB, RVD, TNA, tna impact, TNA Lockdown