Hello, and welcome to another review for IMPACT Wrestling!
I, as always, am your humble reporter, Justin Legacy, and here are the rules to my review:
If the Match/Segment is horrendous, it serves no purpose, cut way too short, drug out way too long, or has zero effect to the storyline/transition, I will give the segment an AWFUL.
If the Match/Segment somewhat accomplished it’s intended purpose, took too long to get there (prolonging the effect), was cut short (cheapening the effect), or have very little effect to the storyline/transition, I will usually give it a DECENT.
If the Match/Segment accomplished it’s purpose, was nicely timed/paced, accomplished what it intended, and had a good effect on the storyline/transition, I will give it a GOOD rating.
And the rarest of the rare. The GREAT rating is where the Match/Segment hit every, single, mark, there is (or very close to). It takes you in and envelopes you in a warm blanket of AWESOMENESS and makes you feel like you just went ten rounds with Sophia Vergara (…in bed…). I’m a very HARD grader (how hard?…Really hard…He hee…), and only about 10 times (off the top of my head) that I have given this out, it’s basically equivalent to 5-Stars in other circles.
By default, the segment/match rating starts at DECENT. It is up to the wrestlers/performers/entertainers (or whatever the hell they call themselves nowadays) to impress me.
Now, before I begin to cover this week’s Impact Rasslin, let me cover the PPV from the other night. This will be the usual, as I’m only going to hit on the major points of a PPV so that people know what the hell is going on (yeah right, I could spend hours-upon-hours of trying to figure this out and STILL feel more lost than a Priest in an Alter-boy Convention!).
NOTE that has NOTHING to do with wrestling: I’m not going to lie… I’ve read the spoilers for this show, sorry, but what can I say? The NHL Playoffs are on and I’ve got my Playoff Goatee going! And since I’ve found places that are streaming the playoffs (and my ADD tends to kick my ass), expect NHL Playoff updates! Yay!!
SO, HERE! WE!! GO!!!
News-bite #1: Eric Bischoff is GONE!
So in the 10-man Lethal Lockdown match (that was pretty run-of-the-mill, by the way), Team Eric LOST to Team Garrett in a match I don’t really care about, nor really want to see any more of. Along with this, Eric can’t use the Bischoff name?…
So, what is his new family name now? And how in the hell is Garrett allowed to use the name “Bischoff”, wouldn’t Eric changing his last name mean that Garrett has to as well?… Hey, maybe he’ll call themselves META WORLD PEACE, and him and Artest could be family! That would SO reek of Kardashian! (Like, she would give most of the locker room BJ’s, Hey-oooohhh!!!)
Oh well, David Flair 2.0 here we come!!! Let’s hope that we don’t have Greg Gagne 2.0…We all know how that SO worked for the AWA, don’t we?…
News-bite #2: Storm Lost?
In another MOMENT OF BEFUDDLEMENT™, Storm lost his match with Roode when he Superkicked Roode out of the cage, which allowed Roode to escape the cage and win?…
I’m going to TRY and hold out all snide remarks until I see how this plays out, but wasn’t this technically a 6-month-long feud? And technically, wasn’t this Storm’s moment of glory? And technically, didn’t Roode run down ALL of Storm’s family (dead and living)? And as a result of this, didn’t Storm technically not get revenge, in his home town non-the-less, and look like a fool because of it?
There’s a lot of technicalities in that…Too bad the crowd was deader than a Kate Vick porno (Hey-ooohhh!!!!).
And remember! This is TNA: “Where CONFUSION MATTERS!”™
TNA IMPACT WRESTLING
APRIL 19, 2012, 9pm EST (3pm Pacific/Fakaofo)
“LIVE” in (Place Name Here) Studios in front of 20 people! YAY!!!
And speaking of dead crowds, Impact starts with a video of Lockdown and that crappy ending to the Roode/Storm match, with EMO STORM™ commentary!
RATING: N/A (It was really a set up video)
SLOW STRUT ROODE™ comes down to the ring…With short hair?…What the hell?…The long hair MADE him look bad-ass, like in a HHH-bad-ass-sorta-way…
Now he looks like a taller AJ Styles! Bull-cocky!
At least the crowd is more active than that ABORTION of a crowd in Tennessee…But Roode goes down the “Cocky Champ’s Promo Bible”™ with such favorites as…
“It’s still good to be the Champ!”
“The Challenger couldn’t get the job done!”
…And our all-time favorite…
“Here’s the list of people I’ve conquered!”
But seriously, all Roode needs to do is to throw in “ahs” at the end of his words and he could claim to be: Just. That. Damn. Good. (© HHH)
Well, in WAY better timing than last week, the music of CHUNKY ANDERSON™ comes on and he comes down to the ring and says he wants some of Roode’s ass! (Bom-chicka-wow-wow?)
Anyway, CRACK HARDY™ interrupts. He stumbles around, almost falls over himself and says HE wants some of Roode! (CREATURES!~)
ANDERSON and HARDY get into a slap-boxing competition as I am dying of laughter at Roode’s out of character stirring of the “pot”. (Oh…And RVD is in this show. Hee Hee…)
And OH BROTHER! HOGANMANIA IS RUNNIN’ WILD BROTHER! AND THIS BROTHER IS LOOKING AT THE BROTHERS IN THE RING, AND BROTHER (he makes a #1 Contenders Match with Anderson and Hardy and a Champions get -together later on) HE’S READY TO MAKE THOSE BROTHERS, BROTHER! BROTHER, BROTHER, BROTHER, BROTHER!!
RATING: GOOD (It set the show and it progressed Roode’s dominance as the World Champion, and that’s something that was SORELY missing from TNA…)
Oh…Angle vs. Styles! I hope that match doesn’t cut out on me at the beginning of the match (*blank stare*)…
NHL PLAYOFF BREAK!
DAMN™! The Devils are SPANKING the Panthers, and HARD (4-0)! Capitals are up by one on the Bruins with one period left and the Phoenix-Chicago game is tied (but the Chicago women are hot…So I’ll let this slide…).
CRIMSON/CALVZILLA vs. MORGAN/D-VON
There was a replay of that Bowling-Shoe-UGLY match that Crimson and Morgan had at Lockdown (which PROBABLY was the reason for the crowd’s death that night…).
And wow! Speaking of UGLY PRISON TATS™, Crimson has got some damn UGLY ones!
(By the way, what’s with the Ugly Prison Tattoos with these wrestlers? Is it a modern thing?…Maybe they need to also come out in worn-out, sweat-stained wife-beaters, with a beer in hand, and wearing worn out sweat pants. That way they could go for the full-blown white-trash look!)
Either way, most of the match Morgan served as the “whipping boy” as his damaged leg (from the afore mentioned Lockdown match), and HA! CALVEZILLA called Aries a midget! Maybe he could add “vanilla” in front of that! (HEY-OOOOOHHH!!!)
Anyway, Aries came in and started cleaning house and out of a counter Crimson nailed CALVEZILLA with a spear that wasn’t set up and looked awkward (I was thinking a Clothesline at that moment), and that ending was a little sloppy (I think CALVEZILLA lost grip there, but did a nice recovery) as CALVEZILLA gets the win and Crimson continues his “undefeated” streak.
RESULT: CALVEZILLA and Crimson via pin-fall
RATING: DECENT (Some small screw ups, and a decent little tag team match.)
In the back, Hardy (CREATURES!~) murmurs something about unicorns and liquorish sticks…I think he was talking about his match, but I’m not to sure…CREATURES!
RATING: N/A (As soon as I figured out what the hell he was talking about, I’ll let you guys know…)
Back from a commercial break to see…Garrett out (*rolls eyes*)…DAVID FLAIR 2.0 gets on the microphone as the crowd is…Cheering?…Uh, what?…Wow, those people must be DRUNK!
Anyway DAVID FLAIR 2.0 must’ve got teary-eyed cause he was stammering worse than Jeff Hardy before a match (HEY-OOOHHHH!)! He also looks like he’s about to…Cry?…There’s no crying in Baseball!! MAN UP™!
Awkward moment as AJ Styles gets on the microphone and goes on about how he admires Garrett’s…Balls?…(*Cue cheesy 1970’s porno music* Ohhhhh yeah?…
Anyway, RIC FLAIR GRACIOUSLY stops this idiocy…No, not really?…
So RIC FLAIR CONTINUES this idiocy by first calling out Garrett on his stuttering (HA! BUSTED!!) and then runs down Garrett for being disrespectful (Like David? HEY-OOOHHH!!) But Ric says that he’s having a party for Eric and their not invited.
Oh me, oh my…I’m sure that they’re going to SO cry themselves to sleep tonight…
Well, if Ric decides to walk around naked, with a robe on, and try to get the stewardesses to touch his “Space Mountain”, I think that it might actually be the party of the year! (And hopefully someone could pull an X-Pac and cut off RVD’s damn ponytail! It’s 2012 for God’s sake!!)
RATING: AWFUL (Still hate the nepotism, but at least it was funny to have the word “Bischoff” beeped out…Although, uh, wasn’t it that ERIC couldn’t use the Bischoff name?…Not TNA?…)
Some dude with a buzz cut and some bald dude talks about some piece of paper…
RATING: N/A (Btw, YES, I know that the “guy with the buzz-cut“ is Karzarian and YES, I know that “some bald dude” is Daniels, but I just feel better calling them the guy with the buzz-cut and some bald dude. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED!!!)
ANGLE vs. STYLES
Before I begin, let me say DAMN™! Christy Hemme is HOT!
*pulls up pants*
Anyway, this should be an awesome match, let’s hope it gets some-
…The channel went blank…
Welp! You know what time it is?! That’s right, it’s!…
NHL PLAYOFF UPDATE TIME!
Well, the Chicago-Phoenix game is still tied 40-minutes in. Washington ALMOST scored a goal, and put the game 3-1 Capitals, but it’s still 2-1 Washington in the 3rd Period.
And 15 minutes later (estimated)…
We’re back on! And it looks like AJ Styles’ ribs are hurt, he has the advantage, and that bald guy and the guy with the buzz-cut are at ring side?
Well, that bald guy gave AJ the piece of paper, and AJ freaks out which allows Angle to get the quick roll up for the win
RESULT: Angle via pin-fall
RATING: N/A (I blame my match cutting out on me on Tennessee and it’s dead crowd…)
That Penn Jillette guy is back and he’s still asking for his brother. He corners and grabs SENIOR PRISON TATS™ (Oh no he didn’t…). Well some legal jargon, some tense words, and SENIOR PRISON TATS tells Penn to go after CALVEZILLA!
RATING: N/A (A lot of N/A’s tonight…Btw, I know who Penn is…But I’m gonna call him that because he SO looks, and talks, like Penn Jillette…)
All the champions are in the ring as HOGANMANIA™ runs into RVD backstage, AND BROTHER! HE DOESN’T JUST WANT IT MAN ON MAN #1 CONTENDER MATCH, BROTHER! HE WANTS IT A 3-WAY MEN ON MEN, CAUSE HOGANMANIA’S RUNNING WILD, BROTHER! AND HE LIKES WATCHING SWEATY MEN, BROTHER!
Anyway, HOGANMANIA™ leaves looking like he snorted 12 Metabolifes and RVD leaves looking like he smoked an ounce…And cue the NWO-rip off music, NAO!
PUMPKIN HOGAN™ comes out, talks about his obviously severe case of Jaundice (obviously) as he introduces a new thing once a month called “Fight Night”…Like UFC Fight Night (*sniff*…I miss my UFC on Spike…)?
Anyway, the quick-and-the-low is that it’s an open challenge type of deal meets the American Idol, where some “outside” talent (see: contracted talent) comes in and challenges any champion. And basically two people, and Simon Cowell, will tear the newbie a new one! (Or two guys, and Hogan, will decide on giving him a job…)
Roode gets all angry and PUMPKIN HOGAN stops him with CRAZY EYEZ™! Some Asian chick wants to ask the most redundant question known to man about who’s making this decision! And PUMPKIN HOGAN says it’s him (DUH!)!
PUMPKIN HOGAN then asks for the thing that he SHOULDN’T ask for…He asks for Twitter feedback on who the fan’s want to see…Oh God…Here goes the trolls that will ask for “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan to get a shot…
Wait!…Let’s troll TNA, we’ll call it: #HACKSAW FOR THE GOLD!
(By the way, doesn’t this seem like TNA is signing out a blank check they can’t cash?)
RATING: DECENT (This seems like an empty idea that will probably be forgotten two months later…And who’s going to come in and “Challenge”? Hiroyoshi Tenzan? Because I don’t see anything outside of X-Division challengers out there who aren’t signed on to deals with the promotion up North.)
GENERIC HLA MULTI-TAG MATCH OF DOOM!!
Some Asian Chick/ROSITA/SARITA/Some Chick With a Crown vs. TARA/MS. SOMETHING-ER-OTHER/PIGGY JAMES/VELVET SKY
So, James is now called “Hardcore Country”? Wow, way to be blatant…Didn’t this chick do a porno?…By the way, speaking of pornos, didn’t I see something about Velvet doing webcam porn on Google?…Matter of fact, didn’t Tara start out as a “ho”?…
Ah, never mind, Phoenix is now up one, 2-1. Washington ties up their series with the Bruins. And Sharks vs. Blues are up next!
…Please have a nip-slip, please have a nip-slip, please have a nip-sli- Oh…Yeah, the match…It was disjointed and WAY too much screaming!
A funny part was how Earl Hebner thought that James was actually hurt, HA! Crazy old, senile, men…Another part was the over-use of the “booty shake”…Ladies…Ladies…You have to have an ASS first to do that…
Well, after Ms. Something-er-other tried for a pin, the women must’ve realized that they need to close up shop, cause that pin break up caused some HAIRY CAREY ACTION™!
And through the craziness, Ms. Something-er-other rolls up someone and wins! Thank…GOD!…
RESULT: Tara/Ms. Something-er-other/Ms. Piggy/Velvet Sky via pin-fall
RATING: AWFUL (Oh wow…What a disjointed mess this match was…)
Anderson is backstage talking to some invisible man about his 3-way (hee hee…) and I make call to the Ultimate Warrior…
RATING: N/A (A hype set-up to the upcoming match)
MACHO MAN-RAPE FACE™ and ODB are out in their “honeymoon” in the Sun, and I don’t care…
RATING: AWFUL (Remember when Eric Young was awesome?…Me neither…)
TV TITLE MATCH
D-VON vs. GUNNER
So now we’re going to have a TV Title Match every week?…Wasn’t TV Title matches SUPPOSED to be EVERY WEEK?
Anyway, SENIOR PRISON TATS™ had most of the offense most of the match. The match was pretty formulaic, but formulaic works. Basic story was SENIOR PRISON TATS being cocky while D-Von used his cockiness to counter him.
D-Von landed his Spinebuster for the win.
RESULT: D-Von via pin-fall
RATING: DECENT (Formulaic but it worked and made for a serviceable title defense…Now, hopefully they could build back up the TV Title, and not forget about it…Again…)
Storm is out to explain his loss in his match at Lockdown. Storm feels like he let everyone down and is sorry. He wanted to kill Roode, but it clouded his judgment and caused his loss.
Then Storm transforms into EMO STORM™ as he runs himself down about how he’s not so sure about if he wants to do this anymore, that his luck has run out?…
RATING: DECENT (I hate to argue with this, but wouldn’t a better option be Storm forcing himself back into a title match…You know…like HBK/HHH WM XX-style?)
#1 WORLD TITLE CONTENDER 3-WAY MATCH
ANDERSON vs. HARDY vs. RVD
This is the Main Event, and it should be worth all of 6-minutes! Yeah!
Anyway, the match was basically Anderson using underhanded tactics, RVD using his speed and agility, while Hardy is being the quintessential Crash Test Dummy we all know and love.
Hardy is a little slower than usual, which makes sense since he got banged up from his match at Lockdown….And he gave himself a concussion with a Whisper in the Wind…Sigh…Let me go get him some more pain meds…*sadly shakes head*
Well, it’s FINISHERMANIA™ near the end of this match as everyone hits their finishers more than once. But a Twist of Fate counter into a funky-looking backslide gave RVD the win!
RESULT: Your winner and NEW #1 Contender for the World Championship! RVD!
RATING: DECENT (It was just too short of a match, if it had more time to have a better flow, I would’ve liked this match a little more. But it was a good showing for RVD after a long lay off.)
IMPACT RATING: DECENT (It was a show after a PPV, so much of this show was just laying the ground work for the next PPV (which is expected). I just wished that they could drop this whole Garrett/Eric deal, send Garrett off to get some more experience, and send some of those guys who’ve got sidetracked in this feud into World, TV, and X-Division title feuds.)
Tags: AJ Styles, Austin Aries, Bobby Roode, Bully Ray, crimson, D-Von, Eric Bischoff, Eric Young, Gail Kim, garrett bischoff, gunner, Hulk Hogan, James Storm, Jeff Hardy, Kurt Angle, madison rayne, Matt Morgan, Mickie James, mr anderson, ODB, Ric Flair, rosita, RVD, Sarita, Tara, Velvet Sky