My Pinterest Is Piledrivers: WWE-vamping The Industry IV (Jeff Hardy, Daniel Bryan, Triple H)

Hey there, and welcome to My Pinterest Is Piledrivers.  I apologize for not being as active on this site as I should be, but know that I’m still an avid reader, at least.  I’ll get  back on here where none of you can shut me up soon enough.  In the meantime… let’s all be careful out there.  Yes, that’s a Cop Rock reference.  What of it?

This week’s column may seem a little more vague than the more concrete ideas of giving CM Punk a dumptruck full of Diet Pepsi and Brubaker comics or stopping backstage bullying or using JR in the way God intended him to be used.  This week I want WWE… to be cool.

Just be cool.

No, this isn’t a reference to the Rock’s critically acclaimed performance as Elliot Wilhelm in F. Gary Gray’s masterpiece of Travolta cinema.  This is a mantra to the WWE.  Now, I can hear what you’re saying.  “Hey now, wait a minute! Wrestling is cool! Why, just the other day I was walking around downtown in my Mark Henry shirt and then… I went home alone I see your point I’m so sorry for doubting you.”

Let’s start with the theme song for Raw.

Nickelback? Really? That would have been questionable in 2003. In 2012? It’s utterly inexcusable. There was a video passed around wildly of Nickelback being pelted at a Brazilian rock festival until they mercifully left. There’s a Facebook group revolving
around the theme of getting a pickle to have more fans than Nickelback. I haven’t checked, but I’m pretty sure they succeeded. C’mon. They blow.  You know your taste in music is questionable when CM Punk insisted on complete control of his DVD so that his life story wouldn’t be scored by Shinedown.

Ok, now that’s better.  Look, Placebo aren’t exactly the Lady GooGoo or the Little Waynes or anyone else the kids listen to, but it’s a step in the right direction.  Hell, they were on Vampire Diaries!  And they’re not Staind.

Merchandise should be cool, too.  For some reason, indie guys seem to have the coolest t-shirts.  What would you rather be wearing, this-

 

or this-

Exactly.  The Ed Hardy look is so two thousand-and-late.  And as Matt Stryker will tell you, there’s only one “King of Kings.”  Elvis, right?

Yeah, the Hardys aren’t cool.  Don’t ever resign them.  Even Jeff.  Especially Jeff.

Daniel Bryan is cool.

Being part of a recognizable Internet meme is cool.

Don’t misunderstand me, I’m not asking the WWE to inherently change who they are, what they stand for, what they represent… but just be cool.  Less big goofy cartoon characters in masks.  Less mid-thirties dudes in jean shorts.  Less theme songs by rap metal bands not fit to lick even Fred Durst’s Starter jacket.  You don’t have to overdo it, you don’t have to have promos set to dubstep or have advertising campaigns handled by Sterling Cooper.  Just try to get with the curve, if not ahead of it.  In the late nineties, wrestling set the trends.  Now?  Vince is calling fans and sputtering when they have Rick Astley ring tones.  C’mon.

Pretty much the entire world revolves around cool. Not capitalism and certainly not altruistic love of your fellow man. Hollywood, politicians, Madison Avenue fat cats… they’re all trying to push cool on you. Because we all want to be cool. We want to be cool looking, we want to listen to cool music, and have cool hobbies, and have whatever sex we’re attracted to, to perceive us as cool. So it would be in the WWE’s best interest… to be a lot cooler.

So what do you think, dear readers?  Am I right?  Wrong?  Cool?  Lame?  Let me know.  Now if you excuse me, I have a date with Pinky Tuscadero.  Heeeeyyyyyyyy.

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