Welcome back to another round of verbal foreplay fellow writer Martin Shaw likes to call, “Mike And Kelly’s Smackdown Recap With An Incredibly Long Name.” I suppose the irony of the situation is that his title for our collaboration is actually longer than the real name, but whatcha gonna do?
Sheamus vs Daniel Bryan opens the show, but quickly leads to a DQ finish as Alberto del Rio attacks the World Heavyweight Champion.
Mike: What’s up, ladies and gentlemen? We’re back with another exciting edition of everyone’s favorite Smackdown recap!
Kelly: The most enjoyable part of Smackdown itself, you mean.
Mike: I suppose.
Kelly: My DVR seems to be questioning what Sheamus will do this week. And right on cue, here he comes.
Mike: Uncanny. I expect an hour devoted to Triple H’s broken arm and Johnny Ace’s beating of John Cena.
Kelly: We should bet on how many Raw recaps they’ll show.
Mike: Two.
Kelly: I say three.
Mike: Blair Douglas’s favorite wrestler is cutting a generic promo.
Kelly: Too bad he has to chant “yes” to get the fans on his side, even for a moment.
Mike: I think Sheamus is confused. The WWE wants people to STOP chanting “Yes!”, not embrace it!
Kelly: Hm. Guess we’re jumping right into a match.
Mike: Yeah, but a match of this caliber? I expect this won’t actually be much of a match.
Kelly: There’s a lot of back and forth between the two. Neither keeping control for long. Bryan seems determined to destroy Sheamus’s arm.
Mike: DB seems to be in total control here…never mind.
Kelly: See what I mean?
Mike: Ricardo with a top rope splash!
Kelly: ADR applies the Cross Arm Breaker, and DB follows with the Yes Lock.
Mike: See? I knew I’d be right about how this would turn out. Ask me if I enjoy being right all the time.
Kelly: Nah. Anyway, Sheamus leaves, and junk.
Mike: You’re a buzzkill.
Kelly: That’s because I’m sober. Get me a beer, darlin’.
Back from commercial break, Sheamus is meeting with doctors backstage. Meanwhile, Kofi Kingston and R-Truth face Hunico and Camacho.
Kelly: Sheamus is in a rage backstage…and I like it.
Mike: I tried being enraged before. I think I farted as a result.
Kelly: Kofi and Truth enter…I miss AirBoom.
Mike: Kofi Kingston is the Billy Gunn of his time. He’ll win the Tag Team Championship with anyone at this point.
Kelly: I love him. Truly. But not as much as Hunico, who enters next with his big slab of caramel.
Mike: Here comes Primo, Epico, Abraham Washington, and…..Rosa…….
Kelly: Well, now we get to hear the only word Goji will say for the duration of this match, so I guess it’s just me, folks. Sorry. Kofi is outside the ring, and as the ref tries to deal with Truth, Camacho makes him see stars.
Mike: Look at her just sitting in that chair at the top of the ramp. I should be that chair…
Kelly: Camacho slams Kofi hard, then hits him with a surprisingly graceful leg drop.
Mike: Rosa Gojira….I like the sound of that…
Kelly: Hunico tags in and reminds us what he used to be able to do regularly, but Kofi is getting fired up; Truth in to finish it up. Camacho tags in, Hunico tries to interfere but Kofi disposes of him with a hurricanrana, launching him outside the ring, where Truth does indeed pin Camacho.
Mike: I’d love a wrestling match with her…
Brodus Clay vs Jack Swagger
Kelly: Oh boy. Rotating disco ball can only mean…
Mike: Oh great. Now I get to hear Michael Cole pretend to know dinosaur names. Pterodactyls were flying reptiles and not actually dinosaurs!
Kelly: And Brodus Clay is a big strong beast, not a dancing fucktard. But that’s something we also forgot.
Mike: Hey, it’s Jack Swagger…he of my possible Future Endeavored list.
Kelly: One can only hope.
Mike: Swagger gets in a shot to the knee and Ziggler provides a distraction….
Kelly: That lasted long.
Mike: Ziggler oversells a headbutt and that’s your highlight as we end things with a count out.
Kelly: Suddenly, children materialize in the ring.
Mike: I think one of those kids just became a man while Naomi wiggled her ass in front of him.
Kelly: I don’t know much about wrestling, but I do know dance. And all these floozies seemed to do to get the job was frequent a club at least once a weekend, and eat enough ice cream to create the globes on their asses.
Mike: They are tremendous globes, aren’t they?
Kelly: I’m not an ass man, Mike.
Raw Recap focusing on Cena/Laurinaitis. Eve says that Sheamus will get an actual match with Daniel Bryan later tonight despite his injury.
Kelly: Raw Recap #1.
Mike: There could be an entire Botchamania devoted to Ace.
Kelly: Ha! A-Train. I got to see him a wrestle a few times out here.
Mike: Before the laser hair removal?
Kelly: Hmm…I was too busy watching him take out my favorite EXW stars and destroying Val Venis. Good times!
Mike: I bet Eve is in charge with Johnny gone.
Kelly: Right again, sugar plum.
Mike: I like her in the executive suit. Mrrrowr.
Kelly: Do we get to see my girl Layla tonight?
Mike: I bet we do.
Kelly: Yay!
Damien Sandow refuses to face Derrick Bateman…so Ryback comes out to demolish Bateman.
Mike: Damien Sandow is finally here…and I can’t help but see a bit of Hunter Hearst Helmsley in him.
Kelly: He has a strange look. Not sure about it.
Mike: He countered the audience’s “What?” chants by calling their catcalls “irrelevant.”
Kelly: Now he seems to be refusing to take on…Bateman.
Mike: I smell a Ryback….
Kelly: Took the words right out of my mouth.
Mike: He gets pyro now!
Kelly: Excellent. I love, love, love him.
Mike: The “Goldberg” chants begin…
Kelly: The only thing I don’t care for is how much his matches seem to be a routine. I want some variety!
Mike: You won’t be getting that for months.
Kelly: Oh well.
Mike: Unless you’re dealing with me in the bedroom, of course.
Kelly: Yeah, you’re right. Because you can’t really call a few thrusts a routine. Unless you reduced it from our usual three minutes to two.
Mike: Meh. It’s still variety as far as I’m concerned.
Kane and Cody Rhodes vs Big Show and Randy Orton
Kelly: Oh, I like Kane’s new entrance effects. That original pyro nearly made my heart explode the first time I went to a taping.
Mike: HELLFIRE AND BRIMSTONE!!! IT’S 220 POUNDS OF RAW MEAT WELL PAST ITS EXPIRATION DATE!!!
Kelly: I think Goji just had a stroke. We’ll keep you all posted.
Mike: Here comes Big Show and Randy Orton! Or as Lillian calls him, “OrTAAAAAAA!”
Kelly: Whoa, you managed to mention Randy Orton and not describe my fictitious crush on him. I’ll drink to THAT!
Mike: Yes. Fictitious.
Kelly: You are a mean, mean, boy.
Mike: Man-boy.
Kelly: Man-bear.
Together: Man-bear-pig.
Kelly: Oh hey look, these guys are wrestling. Weird.
Mike: Well we’ve gone an hour with barely any wrestling, so I wasn’t expecting much. Kane and Big Show are in the ring but Cody tries to interfere.
Kelly: Big DDT to Show and we fade into a commercial. Just enough time to grab a cold one. We come back and Cody is stomping on Show with the ferocity I love.
Mike: Using those SAT words I taught you, eh? Good for you.
Kelly: I picked that one up on my own, thank you very much. Not just a pair of tits, I am.
Mike: I thought those were your eyes all this time.
Kelly: Common mistake.
Mike: Big Show obliterates Kane and we get a hot tag!
Kelly: Cody’s not out yet, though. He stuns Orton and tags Kane in.
Mike: RKO countered and Randy gets tossed to the outside!
Kelly: Randy chews on Kane’s big boot, and both roll back in.
Mike: Rhodes is back in and takes Orton down with a nice dropkick.
Kelly: Randy can’t seem to do much, getting pounded by both opponents.
Mike: CrossRhodes attempt reversed!
Kelly: Show is in with Cody, who manhandles the little man.
Mike: Chaos in the ring as Orton and Kane are taken out! WMD to Rhodes and that’s all she wrote.
Kelly: Not a bad match, despite the absolute bore that was the beginning.
Mike: That livened me up as well as the crowd. Booker tries to channel “Down goes Frazier!” but it’s not working.
Kelly: Striker backstage with Sheamus, trying to determine whether or not he’ll compete tonight. Seems he will. Go figure.
Layla vs Natalya
Kelly: There’s my girl! Miss Layla.
Mike: Natalya gets the jobber entrance.
Kelly: That’s such a damn shame, but I’m giddy over Layla’s return. Though, I’m the only one, judging by the silence and stares I got while screaming and cheering in the bar at Extreme Rules.
Mike: I think it’s because everyone wanted Kharma.
Kelly: Too bad, bitches. The Divas just became halfway FLAWLESS again. Suck it, haters.
Mike: I didn’t mind Layla. It was Michelle McUndertaker I couldn’t stand.
Kelly: Nattie looks stronger than she has in months, challenging the champ but Layla gets the victory.
Mike: That was an okay Divas match, I have to admit.
Kelly: That’s what happens when you bench Kelly, Alicia, and AJ.
Kelly: Aksana in a photo shoot with Antonio, who apparently needs some more oil…hubba, hubba…
Mike: Teddy looks thrilled to be adding some oil to Cesaro. Some mook in the audience yelled out, “Don’t do it, Teddy!” Win.
AJ apologizes to Kaitlyn for slapping her last week, but when Kaitlyn brings up Daniel Bryan again she gets another bitch slap for her troubles!
Kelly: Mmm…Kaitlyn…
Mike: Mmm…AJ….
Kelly: Kaitlyn…
Mike: DAMN! WHAT A BITCH SLAP! BOOMER SOONER!
Kelly: Holy shitballs, that was the most magical bitch slap I’ve ever seen!! Beautiful!
Kelly: Raw Recap #2.
Mike: Triple H vs Brock Lesnar at Over The Limit? I mean, I know Brock “broke” his arm, but apparently he won’t be needing a cast, so….
Kelly: For some reason, I hope that doesn’t happen. And I really don’t know why.
Mike: They added the “snap” sound effect from those old Jakks figures in the video.
Kelly: That struck me as being much more funny than it probably should be.
Sheamus vs Daniel Bryan, Round 2 (w/ del Rio on commentary)
Kelly: Caramel Thunder makes his way out.
Mike: I think it’s hilarious that Ricardo has to walk while del Rio drives into the arena.
Kelly: I wish I had a minion.
Mike: I already have three.
Kelly: Dang, care to share, love?
Mike: Minions aren’t a dime a dozen, girl!
Kelly: Daniel Bryan has just entered the ring, and Sheamus quickly follows.
Mike: Del Rio is on commentary as Ricardo mocks Sheamus’s arm. Love it.
Kelly: So wait, did they say out loud that this is a rematch, or is that just inferred?
Mike: Well Sheamus won the last one by DQ.
Kelly: I remember that. It happened just under two hours ago.
Mike: Sheamus uses one arm to drop Bryan!
Kelly: Brogue kick misses, and Sheamus is caught on the ropes, tumbling out.
Mike: Commercial.
Kelly: The commercial for Raw leading back into Smackdown…I count it as another recap.
Mike: No! That’s not how it works!
Kelly: Don’t care. I win.
Mike: How can it recap something that hasn’t happened? It was a PREVIEW!
Kelly: It showed a recap of last week. Boom.
Mike: But…that’s because there was no footage from the future.
Kelly: Still, a recap. Ha! Bryan stands in the ring with a smug look on his face, as Sheamus limply falls out of the ring. They move the fight closer to the barricade.
Mike: …………
Kelly: Both back in, Bryan strips the bandage off of Sheamus, continuing his assault on his arm. Oh, quit pouting and talk about the damn match.
Mike: Fine. Sheamus tears off his shoulder wrappings to nail the clubbing blows in the ropes…TWICE! That is to say, two sets of attacks.
Kelly: Bryan climbs to the top rope for a MONSTROUS dropkick.
Mike: Holy shit! That axe handle caused DB to pull a Rikishi!
Kelly: Del Rio won’t have it and runs over, but it does not work. Bryan to the top rope, met with a Brogue Kick and Sheamus wins it.
Mike: A botched Brogue Kick, hon’.
Kelly: We got the gist.
Final Thoughts
Mike: Overall thoughts?
Kelly: I wanted to like this episode, but they made it difficult. They still have yet to explain to me why the hell I should care about Sandow and Antonio. I’d like to see less of Aksana’s nonsense, less of Eve overdoing her part, and less chit chat. I want wrestling.
Mike: Eve wasn’t just overdoing her part…she was overFLOWING. But I get what you’re saying, and I agree.
Kelly: She was a lot more tolerable with cleavage. Let’s bring that back.
Mike: I suppose that’ll wrap things up for us this week. I have to go back to cleaning my condo while Kelly finishes reading Mockingjay.
Kelly: Finally! My eye’s beginning to twitch.
Mike: You use that excuse every time I make a booty call.
Kelly: True.
Mike: So long….
Kelly: And thanks for all the fish.
