Legacy Noob Chronicles: Impact Report 5.18.2012 (Bully Ray, Hulk Hogan, Jeff Hardy)

Hello, and welcome to another review for IMPACT Wrestling!

I, as always, am your humble reporter, Justin Legacy, and here are the rules to my review:

If the Match/Segment is horrendous, it serves no purpose, cut way too short, drug out way too long, or has zero effect to the storyline/transition, I will give the segment an AWFUL.

If the Match/Segment somewhat accomplished it’s intended purpose,  took too long to get there (prolonging the effect), was cut short (cheapening the effect), or have very little effect to the storyline/transition, I will usually give it a DECENT.

If the Match/Segment accomplished it’s purpose, was nicely timed/paced, accomplished what it intended, and had a good effect on the storyline/transition, I will give it a GOOD rating.

And the rarest of the rare. The GREAT rating is where the Match/Segment  hit every, single, mark, there is (or very close to). It takes you in and envelopes you in a warm blanket of AWESOMENESS and makes you feel like you just went ten rounds with [Insert Hot Chick] (…in bed…). I’m a very HARD grader (how hard?…Really hard…He hee…), and only about 10 times (off the top of my head) that I have given this out, it’s basically equivalent to 5-Stars in other circles.

By default, the segment/match rating starts at DECENT. It is up to the wrestlers/performers/entertainers (or whatever the hell they call themselves nowadays) to impress me.

 

HEADLINE!

Alright, and after a week sabbatical due to the fact that my aunt’s furniture needs-a-movin’ and my lazy cousin (go figure, right?) I am now back to make “haha’s”, and “hoho’s”, a HEY-OOOHS! (SeewhatIdidthere?)

We are just off the heels of TNA’s place-holder PPV between Lockdown and their main PPV of the year, Slammiversary and there REALLY wasn’t anything unexpected besides:

1 – Supposedly, rumors have it that the talent was happy about the lack of the Three Faces of Wrestling Doom, or whatever they’re called now, and also happy because of how the show went BECAUSE they weren’t there. Sweet! Now that we figured this out, let’s not have them back stage from here on out!

2 – Roode won his Ladder Match against RVD and is STILL the TNA Champion…That’s it…(Seriously, that’s really all that was note worthy, would I lie to you?…Don’t answer that.)

 

TNA IMPACT WRESTLING

MAY 17, 2012, 9pm EST (1am Africa/Abidjan)

“LIVE” from Brooke’s porno shoot (Since…You know…She can make more money on her back than most wrestlers in their LIFE (HEY-OOOHHHH!!!)).

 

SEGMENT 1:

Roode is out!  He talks about his Animation Domination, or something like that.

He calls out Hogan, and HOGANMANIA is OUT, BROTHER! AND BROTHER?! HOGANMANIA IS LOOKING TO BROTHER ALL OVER THAT BROTHER!

Roode talks about how he will be the longest reigning champion in Hogan’s company?…Did someone tell Dixie of this?…

Anyway, he does these demands, and one of them are for GREEN M&M’s…Hey! That’s M&M racial profiling! I’m offended! Hogan goes on about before Hogan came in and how there was a TON of backstabbing…Uh…Didn’t ALL of that occur WHEN Hogan showed up?…Anyway, Hogan tore up the list of demands.

Hogan meanders before he FINALLY makes it Roode’s title up for grabs on OFN Challenge…And the people who are in includes such names as….

-Some Fat Guy

-A couple of jacked up guys

-A few bald guys

-Three drugged out guys

…Oh, and AJ Styles…

Hogan makes some qualifying matches…Then he talks about his “keish”, Whoa there, tiger?…No one wants to hear about your “kiesh”, Hogan…

Then Hogan gives the most corny ending comments in that he told Roode that “if he wants to party, he better fight”?….Holy mother of No Holds Barred! Why, or where, in the HELL did Hogan pick that one out of?….And was the same place he picked up the Rape Face Stalker Idea™?

 

Meanwhile, Abyss? Is that really you? And why are you telling Joseph to keep away from the fire?…Wouldn’t that equate as a suicide if Abyss killed Joseph?… 

 

OPEN FIGHT NIGHT WORLD TITLE QUALIFIER #1

CALVEZILLA™ vs. RVD

“Did You Know”?

Bully lost his match last night?…Me neither (Hey, I watched the show…But the show had me halfway asleep about as much as Jeff Hardy and a bender, HEY-OOOOH!!), but he lost to Aries.

“Did You Know”? #2

RVD f’d himself up in his match also….The only difference was that Roode actually WON a match LEGITIMATELY! (Yeah, surprising…I know! Take Hogan, Bischoff, and Dixie out of the equation and things actually start to make sense! Amazing.?…I know!)

Anyway, the whole match was about RVD’s injured knee. CALVEZILLA focused on it, took it out, then took RVD out with a Diamond Cutter…Or CALVEZILLA CUTTER!!~

RESULT: CALVEZILLA wins via CALVEZILLA CUTTER!~ @ 3:04

RATING: DECENT (It was okay while it lasted, but it was WAY too short…)


NHL PLAYOFF UPDATE: Meh…I don’t feel like it today…Tired, hung-over, something-something-darkside-something…Pound-cake and Puddi…EVERYONE loves Puddi!

 

SEGMENT 2:

ANYWAY…. CALVEZILLA is pissed off ar the Kardashians and he challenges them?…Oh GOD, PLEASE! I do NOT want to see ANY of those hookers on TV (but the street corner, I could DEFINITELY get involved in that!…In fact, I could easily help out in giving their “business”…I’d have to wear 13 condoms, but yeah, I could SO do that!)

Either way, Abyss’ brother comes in and Bully tells him that he’s going beat him up!

Afterwards…

“Did You Know?” #3

Dixie is now a part owner of Bellator?…Yeah, I didn’t care either…

Either way, we get a video package about Dixie being a part owner with Bellator…Supposedly Dixie and the Bellator owner “clicked”  the first time they met (…Is it sort of  like in a me and Hooker Kardashian™ sorta way?)

P.S.- King Mo looks like he’s there but NO ONE’S home…

 

We cut back to backstage as Some Asian Chick and her sex slave, or whoever the hell she is, talks about the newer kind of KY Jelly, or something (it supposedly GIVES YOU WINGS!…Oh, wrong slogan?….)…But Brooke Test-something-er-other and Velvet Sky comes in and they talk smack to the Asian Chick and slap her on the ass…Nice…Hot, three way action?…I can dig it!

 

OPEN FIGHT NIGHT WORLD TITLE QUALIFIER BATTLE ROYAL MAYHEM OF DOOM!! (…Now say that five times fast…)

Anyway, this match involves; STYLES, ARIES, GUNNER, BILLY & CHUCK 2.0, CRIMSON, D-VON, ODB & YOUNG, and some other people that I just don’t care to name…

ORDER OF ELIMINATION:

-CRIMSON, ODB & YOUNG eliminated @ the same time via ODB & YOUNG tandem closetine

-ARIES eliminates MAGNUS

(Some chick is running her hands through her hair…Get security out there?….You know that people get kicked out for running out to the ring!)

HAHA! Nice cut away, as 609GARRET (©SCOTT STIENER) hung his fist on the top rope while throwing a damn punch! Damn rookies…

-Anyway, BILLY 2.0 eliminates CHUCK 2.0, they argue about their sexytime, which leads to…

-D-VON eliminates BILLY 2.0

Ok…How in the HELL is 609GARRET still in this match?…You know, any other green as all hell rookie would’ve been eliminated EARLY in the match?…

-Holy crap…609GARRET eliminates D-VON?…DAMN YOU ERIC!!!!

D-VON goes to give 609GARRET a handshake, but he refuses…

-That was long enough for AJ STYLES to nail the CRAP out of 609GARRET, and WOW did he throw 609GARRET out the damn ring!! (Countdown clock till STYLES de-push starts shortens by 3 days…)

STYLES and ARIES had a GREAT exchange in the ring…You know?…Wouldn’t it have been better if they just had a qualifier between STYLES and ARIES?…Yeah…

-GUNNER eliminates ARIES after a counter

-STYLES eliminates GUNNER to win!

RESULT: AJ STYLES wins via elimination @ 10:56

RATING: DECENT (Too many people that shouldn’t be ANYWHERE NEAR a World Title Qualifier match (See: Billy & Chuck 2.0, D-Von, and for Christ’s Sake, 609GARRET), but STYLES and ARIES made the match somewhat better.) 

 

SEGMENT 3:

A video rundown of STYLES pimping that DIXIE CARTER HARD!…But seriously, why?…I mean, SERIOUSLY, how in the HELL is this going to make me give a damn about any of the people involved?…

Also, STYLES is a WRESTLER, not a  soap opera star…It’s not his strong suit and it looks awkward as all get out…

…Also, if rumors are correct, who HASN’T pimped out Dixie?!…I mean, seriously, isn’t that the rumor why her father given her the money to buy TNA?…I’m not saying, but I’m just saying™…

Anyway, THIS…This…It drags on forEVER!…And…They bring out a video of AJ kissing Dixie…Yup….I’m switching to Hockey…

 

NHL PLAYOFF UPDATE: Oh, PHOENIX scored a goal…CRAP! I told myself that I wouldn’t give hockey updates! Dammit, where’s CRANKY VINCE when you need him!

@CRANKYVINCE: “SHOOTING B-12 INTO MY ASS LIKE PONCE DE FUCKING LEON.”

….Ahhhhh….Refreshing!…

So, do you care that it’s about 110 degrees in Phoenix?…Yeah, me neither…

Great! Back just in time for SOME FAT GUY and Middle Aged and Crazy™ KURT ANGLE brawling backstage…I wonder who has the worse midlife crisis between the two?…My money’s on Angle…

 

CHUNKY ANDERSON™ is going on about how CRACK HARDY™ kicked out in their match (yea, Hardy kicked out…And it was PRETTY obvious…), I was personally thinking that Anderson was fapping off to the STYLES/DIXIE deal, but that’s something better suited for Val Venis!…

By the way, what the hell happened to Val “Last name rhymes with Penis” Venis?…We may never know…We may never know…

 

ANYWAY…No! Probably already crazy, and drug addicted, Fiat Model Chick! Don’t party with Charlie Sheen! You’ll end off with no teeth and in rehab!…

 

*Ahem*…

 

Sorry….Slammiversary X moment with that EPIC 3-way between STYLES/JOE/DANIELS, and if you haven’t seen it…SEE IT! God, I wish that TNA is like this…

 

OPEN FIGHT NIGHT WORLD TITLE QUALIFIER

CRACK HARDY™ vs. CHUNKY ANDERSON™

Ha!…I think Anderson KO’d Hardy when he caught Hardy’s legs in a dropkick through the bottom ropes…Don’t worry, just hold some drugs in front of Hardy’s nose like an Doggie Treat! That ALWAYS wakes him up!…

Anderson had most of the early part of the match (I’m thinking mostly because of Hardy being a little KO’d)…But Hardy had the last end of the match.

Ending combination was Hardy going for a Twist of Fate, but Anderson countered into a Rolling Fireman’s, which Hardy countered into a Crucifix for the pin!

Oh oh….A CLOSE 3-count that looked like a 2.999999999999…….

RESULTS: CRACK HARDY™ wins via pin-fall @ 6:03

RATING: DECENT (They meandered at parts (which I think was more of an audible than anything else), but it was still pretty good, competitive, match, it just got bogged down a little too much.)

 

SEGMENT 4:

Slammiversary X flashback! This time it was Samoa Joe winning his ONLY TNA World Title reign…So, how come Joe didn’t have any more title reigns?…

 

3-WAY KNOCKOUT STRIPPER SHOW

Ladies and gentleman, coming out to the stage, we have one woman from Texas Brooke! Right behind her we have SEXY Velvet Sky! And one hot asian from Canada, Asian Kim! Please come near the stage and give these women some money and some love!… (*Cheesy 1980’s hair metal music blares*)

But seriously….

KNOCKOUT TITLE 3-WAY MATCH

VELVET SKY vs. BROOKE SOMETHING-ER-OTHER vs. SOME ASIAN CHICK

I’m sorry…The whole stripper thought has me laughing throughout this train wreck of match…Sorry ladies, it’s not you, it’s me (hahahahaha!!!)…

Anyway, I’ve never heard so much moaning in my life!…Oh wait? Yes I have (HEY-OOOOHHH!!!)….

Wow, that match was a TRAIN…WRECK….Holy crap, the 3-way submissions were HIL-FREAKING-LARRIOUS! I wasn’t taking it seriously at all while they were moaning and Tazz sounded like some Porn Director on commentary…

The match ended with SKY hitting her finisher on BROOKE. The ASIAN CHICK threw out SKY to have a very kinky roll up for the pin.

RESULT: SOME ASIAN CHICK via pinfall @ 3:57

RATING: AWFUL (Way too disjointed. I wasn’t taking this match seriously to begin with, but with all the “awkward” spots had me more in stitches than thinking of a competition of some sort and thank GOD this match was kept short…)

 

Slammiversary X hype video leads into a OFN Qualifier Match rundown, which leads into…Hello Christy!….Damn….I know gingers don’t have souls (NO SOULS!~), and all, but DAMN™!

 

MAIN EVENT: OPEN FIGHT NIGHT QUALIFIER MATCH

SOME FAT GUY vs. “Middle Age and Crazy” KURT ANGLE

We have some time, so HOPEFULLY, we don’t have some B.S. and just have an awesome match!

Joe using his RAGE™ to beat the hell out of Angle early in the match, Angle using his INTELLIGENCE (Hey! One of the “Three I’s”! Whatdoyaknow?) to counter Angle.

Roode comes out to the broadcast table and goes on about his Nation of Domination, or whatever the hell it’s called…

The match has been pretty back and fourth and actually very good so far…STRAPS DOWN! MAN BOOBS OUT! CHOKE A BITCH! ANKLE LOCK! Crap! Nice counter wrestling there…ANGLE SLAM!

I’M YELLING CAUSE I CAN’T CONTROL THE VOLUME OF MY VOICE! SCOTT?!

@SCOTTSTIENER: “LOL.. Well i accept that challenge,bcuz i dont think she can,Good Luck Brooke,maybe you could do A porn flick like your dad did,or do one with him”

Huh?…Who?…

Anyway, Angle counters off the top rope and gets the roll up for the win!

RESULTS: ANGLE via pinfall @ 12:57

SEGMENT RATING: GOOD (Although Not as good as when they went at it at a younger age, it was still, a very good match to close the show.)

 

After the match, Roode comes out from the announcer’s table to talks smack to Angle. And out come out all his contenders, to talk smack to Roode and Roode looks like he’s about to defecate in his pants… 

 

IMPACT RATING: DECENT (There was a LOT of good here, but some of the other parts of the show dragged this down a little bit. But next week’s Open Fight Night and it’s World Title match should be good…Now what about Slammiversary?…We are less than a month out, and I’d like to at LEAST know what the World Title match will be…)

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