WWE Monday Night Raw 05.28.2012 Live Results: John Cena, The Big Show, Daniel Bryan


I didn’t win the 8th Annual Yahoo Invitational Beer Pong Tournament. I was bounced in the conference finals, knocked out by the eventual runners-up. I know, I know.

You guys are crushed.

Fret not, fans of Arra Dot Mundo. There will be another tournament next year!

Anyway, that’s how I kicked off my Memorial Day Weekend. Yesterday I went to a game nite, played “Loaded Questions,” and said many inappropriate things. Today I watched, “The Fifth Element,” had a chocolate malted from TCBY, and then went swammin’ and barbecue eatin’ at my the home of one half of the eventual tournament champions, a gentleman and scholar that goes by the name of “Eh, Steve!.”

(yes, like the Homestar Runner Eh, Steve!)

(and fun fact: his partner’s name is Jay Money, and he was the tournament MVP)

But that’s not why you guys came here. You came here because you love professional wrestling and/or sports entertainment, and this here is, at press time, the only live rasslin’ on the talkin’ pitchur box, “WWE Monday Night Raw.”

Last week’s Raw was interesting and entertaining. Some forward motion on a couple storylines, an entertaining Ricardo Rodriguez and Santino Marella bit, and furthering the festering feud featuring John Cena and The Big Show.

Wait, what was that? It was alliteration? You’re danged right it was! GET SOME!

All right, All right. I’ll get on with the show and do my best to put a fun, “Suspension of Disbelief” spin on it. Remember, this updates during each commercial break, so we’re going as live as we can!

I’m your party host for the evening, and we will rock together!


If you’re interested in hosting this particular party on a guest basis or as a full time gig, we are accepting submissions for new show recappers and are asking readers to be sent to my awesome and supportive editor at matthew@pulsewrestling.com through June 15.

We’re a few minutes away from the start of raw, so let’s get comfy, let’s get some snacks, and then LET’S GET DANGEROUS!

Monday Night Raw — The S of D Takeover is comin’ atcha!


We start up with a video package dedicated to the men and women of the Armed Forces. I’m not a big “Rah Rah USA!” guy, but I respect and admire the people who wear a military uniform. They are braver than I am, and they’re out there doing what they believe is right. Shouts to them and to their families, and to the fallen, we hope you are at peace.


The actual broadcast starts with a recap of John Laurinaitis’ douchebaggery and clips of the match between he and John Cena. He limps to the back, he is brought back by The Big Show. Cena is narrating the ending of the match, including the part where The Big Show sucker punches Cena, gift-wrapping the win for John “Johnny Ace” Laurinaitis. They replay Cena saying The Big Show sold out, and then counter with Show saying he did what he had to do and now has an ironclad contract.

(Can you imagine if I started a column by cutting and pasting paragraphs from the last column? I mean, I’m a fan of the beginning of “The Karate Kid Part II” and “Rocky II,” but not every new beginning needs to start with the end of the last one. That was Semisonic’s job, and we got tired of them back in 1998.)

Back to the beginning, and they show The Big Show knocking out Cena at the end of last week’s Raw, and we cut to the live Arena with The Big Show heading down to the ring. He’s in a giant pinstriped suit with no tie, he’s got the mic (and very small teeth), and he wants to speak on this.

The Big Show was all:

~ “This is me smiling, this is me doing my job.” He says making people smile was a calculated business decision, and he didn’t mind it, and that he just happened to be a Giant.

~ The crowd “What”izes him, and he mocks them, and they drop the “What” to chant “CE-NA! CE-NA!”

(I like that Show is kind of mocking the crowd. He’s ambivalent to their barbs! I love Barb Ambivalence!)

~ Show says he has an iron-clad contract, he’s set for life, and he can do whatever he wants to whoever he wants and doesn’t have to worry about making the crowd smile.

(Crowd be boo’ing)

~ He says he’s 7 feet tall and 440 pounds and is not an entertainer, but rather a giant. He says no one is in his league — no NFL, NBA, or “phony” UFC fighter. He says there certainly isn’t anyone in WWE who is in his league and that’s why nobody came to his defense during his humiliating begging for his job. He says moments after he was fired, this happens…

…and they show a clip of “The Funkasaurus” Brodus Clay dancing with some little kids in the ring.

~ Show says his tears weren’t even dry in the ring and Brodus Clay was out there dancing. DANCING! He says two guys he thought were his friends, Kofi Kingston and R-Truth, were yukking it up and the crowd had a good time. He says it was easy for “you people…”

(I assume he means the crowd)

~ …to just move on.

(Crowd be chanting for Cena)

~ Show calls the crowd shallow and phony, but after all that, there’s one man who disappointed him more than anyone. That man is John Cena. He says when he saw Cena in the ring he would fight for his friend The Big Show. He thought Cena would threaten a locker room mutiny unless John Laurinaitis hired him back.

…and then they show John Cena calling Johnny Ace a loser in a horriffically cheesy manner.

~ Show says he guesses he’s just a big joke to all the people in the audience. He says Cena hurt him with his non-caring. He says last week he hurt him, he knocked Cena out twice within 24 hours. He says what he does at No Way Out won’t be pretty. He says Cena will be across the ring from an unstoppable Giant.

~ The Big Show says Cena’s defeats at the hands of The Rock, Lesnar, and Laurinaitis were bad, but at No Way Out, he’ll experience the biggest, most thorough, humiliating defeat of his life, and that will put a smile on Show’s face.

Oooh, and tonite will have C.M. Punk take on Daniel Bryan!

But next, Santino Marella will be taking on Alberto Del Rio!




The broadcast is back with a clip from Friday’s Smackdown and the match between Santino Marella and Ricardo Rodriguez. I’ll admit, I’m enjoying their interaction.

Back in the ring, Justin Roberts introduces Ricardo Rodriguez, who introduces Alberto Del Rio, who introduces Sebastian The Crab, who introduces Lumiere The Candelabra, who introduces Abu The Monkey, who introduces Rafiki The High Priest, who introduces Wall*E, who introduces the little fat kid from “Up,” who introduces…

And breaking the cycle is Santino Marella, cobra sock on, power walkin’ (on sun-shine WHOA OH OH) down to the ring. It’s Alberto Del Rio vs Santino Marella, and there’s a sign in the audience that says, “HEY DUCK,” and I love it.

Match stuff:

~ Crowd chants SAN-TI-NO, who hits the hip toss, flying salutin’ headbutt combo. Del Rio blocks the cobra, kicks Santino in the gut, and then applies the cross arm breaker. Del Rio rips off the cobra, Rodriguez talks smack that’s transmitido en sap, and announces Del Rio as el ganador. Del Rio is smiling, and as much as I like Santino, I respect Del Rio for sticking up for his friend by administering the fade to Santino.

Backstage, Super Hot Eve is being chatted up by Alex Riley until The Big Show comes on the scene. Eve tells him he gets to pick his opponent. Show stares at Riley, who says, for the record, he didn’t think it was right what happened to Show a few weeks ago. He says he admires Show, and Show tells him to relax, that he’s not picking him. Show says there is a message he’d like to send to the WWE locker room, and he smacks A-Ri head first into the brick wall.

We go to a commercial for USA’s newest show, “Common Law.” I’m curious about the show… but not that curious.



An advert for “Burn Notice” airs, and I say this:

Make me care about “Burn Notice.” I dare you.

Apparently we’re in New Orleans (home of pirates, drunks and whores, New Orleans!) and they show Burbon Street. Meanwhile, back in the arena, the WWE Tag Team Champions, Kofi Kingston and R-Truth are out. I like Kofi and Truth, but have no delusions that the WWE Tag Team Division will see any more action than my Words With Friends app.

(clarification: I never play Words With Friends anymore).

Vickie Guererro, lookin’ extra Could Get It’able tonite, introduces Dolph Ziggler and Jack Swagger. It’s Kofi and Truth vs Swagger and Ziggler!

Match stuff:

~ Big dropkick by Kofi, tag to Truth, double hip toss on Swagger, and then a big leg drop by Truth that gets a one count. Swagger throws Truth in the ropes, Truth taunts Swags with the peepee thrust of arrogance. Ziggler in and Truth and Kofi kick Ziggler in the face, then baseball slide Ziggler out of the ring…

…and we’re taking another break already. *sigh* An advert for, “That’s My Boy” comes on and I glare at anyone who said the Transformers sequels or Star Wars prequels were the worst movies ever made. Those were fun movies aimed at kids. “That’s My Boy” looks awful. The lesson, as always:


*deep breath*



Wesa back! Swagger has Kingston down on the mat in some kind of hold, and they show that, during the commercial, Swagger sent Kofi off the apron and into the barricade.

~ Back in the ring, Swagger and Kofi are using classic bad guy tactics of “Distract’n’Destroy” to work over Kofi in the corner. Ziggler takes down Kofi, gets a two count, and puts some kind of wristlock, arm-bar thing on him.

~ Kofi sent into the corner, Ziggler tries a Stinger Splash but Kofi moves! Slow crawl by Kofi and a hot tag to R-Truth! Truth gets a sweet jumping roll up that gets a two on Swagger, then hits a DDT that gets a two count before Ziggler breaks it up. Truth sends Kofi into Ziggler, they’re both out of the ring, and then Truth hits that jumping slamming-the-other-dude’s-head-into-the-ring move that gets Swagger down for the 1-2-3!

Post-match, Ziggler yells at Vickie and Swagger shouting, “I’M BETTER THAN THIS! I’M BETTER THAN THIS!” and takes off down the ramp.

Backstage, Santino is being attended to when Show comes on the scene. He says he gets to pick his opponent and maybe he’ll pick Santino. He says Santino didn’t look too upset when he got fired. He grabs Santino’s face pretty hard when BRODUS CLAY says “HEY! HEARD YOU GOT BEEF? WHY DON’T YOU PICK ME AS YOUR OPPONENT AND I’LL MAKE YOU CRY AGAIN!”

Show says Brodus can forget about dancing because after tonite he’ll barely be walking. Clay looks like a miffed Reverend Run, the Funkadactyl’s look concerned, and now I’m giddy.

They show Punk vs Bryan graphic again, and a commercial for WrestleMania XXVIII that makes me smile because, again, my guy won.

*contented sigh and smile*



Did you know that B.A. Star was inducted into the National Anti-Bullying Something Something? They totally did. No bullshit.

Back in the arena, John Laurinaitis is out in his People Power Rascal, David Otunga (who I had to unfollow on twitter cuz he retweeted like 85 tweets. speaking of twitter, follow me: @ElKatook), and Eve. Eve is so hot…


Eve is SO HOT that I’d give your grandmother the diamond cutter to get to third base with her.

Laurinaitis introduces himself and says some mo’:

~ The Big Show will, indeed, face Brodus Clay.

~ To insure there will be no interference in The Big Show vs John Cena match, it’ll take place in a steel cage!

~ He says that since his win over Cena at Over The Limit, he’s become the most popular WWE Superstar in History. He says to prove it, WWE ’13 will be out in October, and there will be a new cover person, someone who embodies people power. It’s a picture of John Laurinaitis on the XBox 360 cover of WWE ’13.

~ Laurinaitis says this game, with him on it and in it, will be bigger than Pac-Man.

Just then C.M. Punk comes out and puts his currently-chewed gum on the seat of Johnny Ace’s scooter. Punk grabs the mic, the crowd chants his name, and then Punk be talkin’:

~ Punk says the PacMan reference is fitting because neither Laurinaitis or PacMan has any testicles whatsoever. He says Laurinaitis isn’t popular at all, and that being on the cover of WWE ’13 is very presitigious, and that the person figured on the cover is a whole hell of a lot better looking than he is.

Pyro goes off and, sure as sugar, C.M. Punk is on the cover of WWE ’13.

(i miss when these cover reveals were for Playboy and Maxim)

~ Punk says he never got to tell Laurinaitis this to his face but his is a whole helluvalot bigger than Laurinaitis’. He then makes a comment about Eve noticing. He says Johnny Ace can take “The Hoeski and Carlton” and go.

~ Punk says Ace will probably want to put him in an absurd handicap gauntlet lumberjack match but he’s already facing Daniel Bryan, and to get out of the ring. He says Laurinaitis wants no more trouble with the Board of Directors. Laurinaitis glares, wishes Punk luck, and walks out of the ring.

~ Punk says Luck is for losers, takes down the Laurinaitis Cover, then stomps it down in the corner.

John Laurinaitis, Eve, and David Otunga make their way up the ramp looking angry, and we’ll be right back with Punk vs Bryan.



Raw is back with a plug for WWE ’13, and out comes Daniel Bryan. I hate his rock version of “Flight of the Valkyries,” but that’s neither here… nor there. We’re shown D-Bry snapping on Kane back on Smackdown Friday night, assaulting The Big Red Monster with a chair about 254 times. The match is on, and it’s Punk vs Bryan!

Match stuff:

~ Headlock by Bryan, sent into the ropes by Punk, shoulder block by Bryan, leapfrog by Bryan, Punk up and hits two arm drags. Punk has Bryan in an arm bar type thing and the crowd is chanting for Punk.

~ BRyan reverses out of the arm bar with a cool bridge and flip and puts a wrist lock on Punk. He’s stepping on Punk’s hand and then stomps on his elbow.


~ Bryan has a hammer lock on Punk, Punk gets out of it and lands an inverted atomic drop followed by a kick to Bryan’s breadbasket. Punk drops more knees, attempts a cover, but Bryan kicks out at two.

~ Body scissors on Bryan, and there’s nothing at all gay about Punk with his legs wrapped around Bryan. Punk has a half-STF, half-Surfboard on Bryan, who bounces out, goes for a cover, gets a one count, and a bearhug into a bridge into an almost-backslide turns into a cover by Punk that gets two.


~ Punk has Bryan up for a suplex but sends Bryan down gut first on the top rope. Bryan to the outside, up top, then a big flying knee into Punk! Bryan baseball slide kicks Punk out of the ring, attempts another one out of the ring, Punk moves, jumps to the apron, then tries a reverse flying body press off the ropes.

Just then, ridiculously hot A.J. Lee walks out wearing a C.M. Punk t-shirt. Punk tosses Bryan back into the ring and gives A.J. a “WTF?” look as we go to break.



Opposite of Front!

During the break, Bryan landed a sick flying knee off the apron onto Punk, Punk temporarily regained control, but Bryan is back on offense. They show A.J. looking concerned, crazy, and hot.

~ Bryan is going to work on Punk’s arm, then sends Punk into the turnbuckle. Bryan lands a big dropkick right to Punk’s face, but said kick only gets Bryan a two count.

~ Bryan is in control with another arm bar, putting pressure on Punk’s right shoulder. Punk tries fighting back with punches, but Bryan shrugs them off to slam the arm. Bryan hits the ropes and charges Punk but Punk lands a knee to Bryan’s midsection!

~ Punk battles back with boots and forearms, then a big kick, a clothesline, and neckbreaker that gets Punk a two count.

(also, A.J. is super hot, and I’m a boob guy, but dangit, I recognize hot).

~ Punk sends Bryan into the corner and then hits the signature knee to the face. Bryan counters with a couple of forearms before sending Punk to the apron. Punk hits the springboard clothesline off the turnbuckle and covers Bryan but only gets a two count.

~ More shots of A.J. looking crazy, and back in the ring Bryan is down on the canvas and Punk is climbing the ropes. He signals for the Macho Man elbow, but Bryan runs into the ropes causing Punk to fall junk first. SCRAMBLED EGGS!

~ Bryan sets Punk up and it’s a… a… a… SUPERPLEX! A huge superplex by D-Bry! Bryan covers Punk and gets a ONE, TWO, but no three as Punk kicks out.

~ Bryan goes to take off the turnbucks cover but A.J. calls the ref over to tell him. Bryan comes to yell at A.J., but Punk sees him and hits the big roundhouse kick on Bryan. Punk covers but only gets a two count.

~ Punk says something to A.J., then turns back to Bryan. D-Bry then flapjacks Punk right into the exposed turnbuckle! Bryan covers for the 1-2-3!

Post-match, Bryan is celebrating, but then in runs KANE! Kane hits Bryan with a steel chair and then chokeslams Bryan on it. Kane turns towards Punk with the chair but Cray-Jay hands Punk a chair. Punk pummels Kane, and Cray-Jay looks super turned on right now. The annoncers repeat Punk’s claim that he likes crazy chicks, and Cray Jay looks extra crazy. Punk stares at her, she gives him crazy F**k Me eyes, and we cut to a graphic of The Big Show vs Brodus Clay.




We have returned from commercial!

Christian is coming out, and Cole’n’King are sitting in each other’s chairs tonite. Cody Rhodes is at ringside, and Cole lets us know that Jericho has been suspended for the incident what occurred overseas. You can read all about it on wwe.com!

The Miz is out now, and his hair is super long. It’s Christian vs The Miz!

Match stuff:

~ Miz in control early, slamming Christian’s head into the turnbuckle. Miz follows up with punches and kicks in the turnbuckle, then hits that through the ropes, seated clothesline thing. Miz up top and hits a wonerful double axe handle. Miz cinches in a rear chin lock.

~ Miz hits the knee to the back and neck breaker combo and gets a two count. Cody says he’s entitled to a rematch and says he wants to use it against the guy who took the InterContiMnental title from him (and that’s Christian!).

~ Christian back in control with a missile drop kick that gets a two count. Christian hops over the top rope and slaps Miz all up in his grill. Back in, Christian slams down Miz, calls for a spear, but Miz kicks Christian in the face and gets a two count.

~ Miz mauls Christian in the corner, but Christian kicks him and lands the flying back elbow. The clapping for the Killswitch starts, but Christian sees a now ambulatory Cody Rhodes walkin’ around the ring. Miz rolls up Christian but only hears the ref slap the mat twice.

~ Cody goes up the ramp, and Christian nails the kill switch! He then ascends to the top rope and hits the frog splash he recently added to his repertoire. Christian gets the two count, and smirks at a jaw jackin’ Cody Rhodes.

We cut to the back where Eve, Otunga, and Laurinaitis are talking. Teddy is there too, and Eve makes him grab coffee. Johnny admonishes Otunga for tapping to Cena’s STF last week, and then says Eve failed at getting an apology from Sheamus for knocking Ace down. Laurinaitis says in 10-20 years he might retire and he needs someone he can count on. Otunga sheepishly says Laurinaitis can count on him. Teddy brings Eve her coffee, but she spits it at him and throws it on him because it was cold. Teddy says it’s supposed to be cold, it’s ICED COFFEE, and makes a sad face.

They plug the 1,000th Episode of Raw airing July 23rd and it’s…



We’re back, and I swear I didn’t spend the commercial googling images of Emma Watson with the safe search off.

Did you know the WWE gives military personell free tickets? They do. And what do you do? You google images of Emma Watson with the safe search off, you sickos.

The Miz is still in the ring and he wants the match stricken from the record. He asks where his video game covers and title matches are. He complains a bit more but he’s cut off by Randy Orton’s music. Orton gets into the ring and is told by The Miz to leave, but Randy offers a counterproposal in the form of an RKO. His music hits, and we go backstage! Ziggler is talking to Vickie and says he wants out of the tag team, that he wants some singles opportunities. Vickie says she’ll see what she can do, and then we go back to the ring where Randy Orton is posing for the crowd’s delight.

Still to come is The Big Show vs Brodus Clay, but coming up next the world heavyweight champion SHEAMUS will be taking on David Otunga.

First though, King introduces a video package featuring John Cena talking about Memorial Day.

~ He says Memorial Day is our most sacred day of honoring our armed forces, and that we thank them for fighting for our freedom.

~ He says he cherishes going to Iraq and Afghanistan, Fort Hood and Fort Bragg, and other bases across the globe.

~ He says it’s because of them that the U.S. is a beacon of liberty and justice. He says they know the risks but still defend us with smiles on their faces and courage in their hearts.

~ He says they define what it means to live in the land of the free and the home of the brave.

~ He says this Memorial Day they honor everyone, from those who fought at Lexington and Concorde to those who fight in Iraq and Afghanistan, and he thanks them.

A U-S-A chant breaks out, they show some Army dudes in the crowd, and it’s time to totally not google Hermione.



The break is over, the brigga-break is over! David Otunga makes his way down to the ring, and his opponent, the world heavywright champion Sheamus, is out afterwards. They show a clip of Del Rio defeating Kane to win the #1 Contender Spot for Sheamus’ championship. That match will happen at No Way Out, on June 17th, at the Izod Center in New Jersey. It’s Sheamus vs David Otunga!

Match stuff:

~ Sheamus clubs Otunga with some clotheslines, then pulls him against the ropes while Otunga is on the apron. David counters by dropping Sheamus throat-first on the ropes, then lands a clothesline. Otunga goes for a cover, gets a two count, and stays on the attack. Shoulder block, another couple of covers, but Sheamus kicks out. Otunga knees Sheamus in the corner, hits a couple of clotheslines, and poses for the crowd.

~ Otunga throws Sheamus into the opposite turnbucks, but Sheamus lands a couple of clubbing double axe handles. Sheamus sends Otunga through the outside, then lands those HUGE forearms across Otunga’s chest. The crowd gets to count ten of those forearms, and then Sheamus lands “White Noise” on Otunga. Sheamus doesn’t cover Otunga, but rather signals for the Brogue Kick, which he hits. Sheamus then covers David Otunga and gets the pin.

They show a fan in the ring dressed like Sheamus and it was really nice to see.

They cut to backstage where Brodus Clay and the Funkadactyls are making their way down the corridor en route to the ring. Looks like Show vs Clay is next!

An advert for a new ECW DVD is shown, this one with previously unreleased matches. Gotta admit, I didn’t get a channel that showed ECW until they went to TNN, and even then it was after most of their big guns were taken. For the people who dug them, yay for them, but I missed it.



Back! And it’s time for our feature bout!

But first, there’s a video package about last week with Laurinaitis’ exploits.

The Funkasaurus Brodus Clay comes out with The Funkadactyls! The Big Show then comes out and says that Clay is a sell out, and that Clay should just put on make-up and become the new Doink, but the difference there is that Doink had talent. And wow, that reference is 20 years old.

Show spears Clay and is taunting the Funkasaurus by saying he isns’t in Show’s league. The Big Show slams Brodus into the ring apron, and into the ring post.

(okay, i’m sad that the funkasaurus is getting his ass kicked, but where some people will undoubtedly see “burial,” I see me being sad at a guy I like, a jovial guy, getting his ass handed to him by a bully — now I want to see Clay get revenge, and that’s how booking is done. Make me hate someone enough to pay to see them get whooped.)

Kingston and Truth come down to try to stop The Big Show’s assault on Clay, but show just tosses them aside.

(and some will see “the continued burial of the tag team division,” and I see a main event bad guy super pissed, a 7 foot, 440 pound main event guy who can credibly toss motherf**kers around.)

Show hits Clay with part of the announce table a couple times, then manhandles Truth by throwing him into the ropes and bouncing him down onto the mat. Kofi tries hitting “Trouble In Paradise,” but it has no effect (which was gangster, cuz that move ends matches but it had no impact on the angry giant!). Show then tosses Kingston thru the barricade partition, and Kofi is out. Show tosses R. Truth again for good measure, Cole is looking on, mouth agape, and then Show hits Clay with the W.M.D. knock-out punch.

The crowd is chanting for Cena, but if John Cena is there, he sure is taking his sweet ass time getting down to the ring.


They replay the devastation incorporated by The Big Show — fades administered to Truth, kingston, and Clay. My goodness. Ya know, I was gonna make fun of Show’s new t-shirt, but now I don’t want to.

The Big Show is staring at a guy who is holding a “The Big Sell Out” sign, and you can tell he just had to remind himself, “Show, don’t do that. You’ll pop his head like a zit and then they’ll arrest you.”

Cole says Show isn’t an entertainer, but a human wreching machine. Laurinaitis comes out to raise Show’s hand, they show the carnage at ringside with Clay, Kingston, and Truth laid to waste.

John Laurinaitis shakes the hand of The Big Show, and this episode be over!


I thoroughly enjoyed tonite’s show. A minimum of goofiness, some interesting developments, and I will now drop money to see The Big Show get his comeuppance. COMEUPPANCE!

Thanks for tuning in. Next week will be someone new, as I’ve joined a Beach Volleyball Team for Monday and Wednesday nights this summer. I really enjoyed covering Raw these last two weeks, but as a big ol’ fat guy, I need the exercise.

Thank you again, and I hope I entertained you!


Rey Mundo might’ve lost the beer pong tournament, but he was a winner at the game of… uh… google image.

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