We’re back after a little hiatus. Look, we both have busy lives, okay? Can’t always be there every weekend. Hey, stop yelling at me! I’m doing my best! I…oh, never mind. Just read the damn recap.
Sheamus heads to the ring to discuss his upcoming title match with Alberto del Rio at No Way Out but is interrupted by David Otunga, who demands that Sheamus apologize for bumping into John Laurinaitis two weeks ago. Del Rio himself heads to the ring and Sheamus apologizes…for kicking Otunga’s head off! Del Rio scampers out of the ring.
Mike: Welcome back to everyone’s favorite domestic dispute!
Kelly: It was a nice vacation away for a week there. Bet no one noticed.
Mike: I was so swamped last weekend that I literally had no time to do a recap of my own.
Kelly: Well, fortunately we’re back.
Mike: Yup, and we have a WWE title match tonight!
Mike: Speaking of champions, here comes Sheamus. The World Heavyweight Champion opening his own show while the other brand’s champ gets the main event? Sounds like Smackdown.
Kelly: There are no words. This is just silly.
Mike: The Smackdown main event scene is getting pretty thin now, what with Randy Orton’s latest suspension.
Kelly: Yeah, how many more are going to get suspended? Shit…
Mike: Sheamus says money can’t buy you the World Heavyweight Championship. But if you’re Ric Flair, you can use it to pay your debts…
Kelly: If you continue making money, that is. Otunga waltzes out to chat with Sheamus in the ring.
Mike: You mean to job to him again?
Kelly: I did not. But I could, if you wanted me to.
Kelly: And here comes Caramel Thunder.
Mike: Sans Ricardo.
Kelly: I zoned out for a minute there.
Mike: Del Rio says Sheamus is the kind of guy who eventually works for millionaires like himself. I suppose his skin would make for some excellent White Out.
Kelly: Aw, that was lame, sugar plum.
Mike: I know. I apologize.
Kelly: Big Brogue Kick to ADR’s dome to close it out.
Mike: Actually, it was to Otunga. Del Rio rolled away.
Kelly: I gotta stop playing with my brand new iPhone.
Mike: That’s okay. I’ll just focus on JOHAN SANTANA’S NO-HITTER FOR THE METS LAST NIGHT!!! WOOOO!
Kelly: The Mets are still a real team?
Mike: Take that back.
Kelly: Love ya.
Sin Cara vs Heath Slater
Kelly: My man Sin Cara is back!
Mike: Last time I saw him was live at MSG when he busted his knee.
Kelly: That just made my stomach hurt.
Mike: Any bets on how long until he botches again? Anyone?
Kelly: Hey. I love him.
Mike: Give me a meaningful feud and matches that go beyond 4 minutes and we’ll see.
Kelly: Going at it with Heath Slater isn’t a good start.
Mike: Spinning whirligig face buster ends it. Hey, Lillian didn’t screw up her announcing this time!
Kelly: That match reminds me of when TBS shows a movie. You’re sure there was once an entire, full-length showing, but they only showed a few key parts.
Mike: That was lame, hun.
Kelly: Wasn’t trying to be funny.
Mike: That’s adorable.
Kelly: I HATE TBS. LET ME FEEL MY FEELINGS.
Damien Sandow defeats Ezekiel Jackson. Backstage, del Rio chooses Dolph Ziggler as Sheamus’s opponent tonight.
Mike: I can’t believe at one time I thought Big Zeke would be decent. What the fuck was wrong with me?
Kelly: Are you sure you want to open that door, love?
Mike: Keep it in your pants.
Kelly: Damn. Well, Sandow enters, tries to refuse to wrestle again but is pulled in by Big Zeke.
Mike: He doesn’t wrestle foreigners or black people.
Kelly: Oh boy.
Mike: I love that arrogant pin of his.
Kelly: ADR backstage with Ricardo, and Dolph walks up…hmm…
Mike: Ziggler gets Sheamus tonight. Was it just me, or were Dolph and del Rio eye-fucking each other?
Kelly: A girl can dream.
Ryback squashes two more jobbers. We then get a Raw Recap of Big Show’s destruction of three midcarders.
Kelly: Aw, some more jobbers are about to get digested.
Mike: They are AWFUL on the mic!
Kelly: They always are, but holy Jesus, they are really scraping the bottom of the barrel now, eh?
Mike: Fun fact: Ryback’s theme song is called “Meat.”
Kelly: I’m trying to be mature, but…
Mike: Did you watch last week when he picked up both jobbers and hit his finisher on them at the same time? If you didn’t, here it is again!
Kelly: Fortunately, I did NOT watch last week. So there.
Mike: Now we get to see Big Show destroy Brodus Clay and the Tag Team Champions. Again.
Kelly: Meh. Big Show is slightly more interesting lately. Repeat: slightly.
Mike: Not even. Why must we see such a terrible match for a main event at No Way Out?
Kelly: I am seriously about to throw in the towel. WWE has been an absolute soul-suck for years, but this last main event was just ridiculous. And now this? I’m going to scream.
Mike: Well apparently they’ve noticed their ratings are tanking and plan on focusing on TV for the foreseeable future. The last time viewership went this low, the company went all out and the Attitude Era was born, so…you know.
Kelly: I’ll ride it out, I guess.
Sheamus vs Dolph Ziggler
Mike: Time for Sheamus and the “Show Off.”
Kelly: Dolph has never looked more tan.
Mike: Next to Sheamus, Michael Jackson would look tanned.
Kelly: Both men are hitting their usual spots.
Mike: That’s…that’s some good commentary right there, folks.
Kelly: Yeah, it’s really boring me. Which is surprising considering my love for both.
Mike: Ooh, let me be you for a second: “There’s some wrestling going on in the ring now.”
Kelly: Sheamus is wearing trunks.
Mike: Ziggler has hair.
Kelly: Vickie exists.
Mike: Referees wear stripes.
Kelly: I just farted.
Mike: Lovely. I can taste it all the way on the East Coast.
Kelly: Dolph has the sleeper hold on Sheamus…for about four seconds.
Mike: He had a sweet headstand while trapping Sheamus in a headlock earlier. But you were too busy farting to see it.
Kelly: Nah, I saw it. I’m just too afraid to say anything now.
Mike: Wow! X-Factor off the top rope from Ziggler!
Kelly: Oh man, VERY last second kick-out.
Mike: Zig Zag countered into White Noise!
Kelly: Sheamus prepares for the Brogue Kick…and Swagger appears.
Mike: Swagger misfires and Ziggler eats a Brogue Kick! Sweet finish!
Kelly: Not bad. Definitely made up for the rest of the match.
CM Punk says he’ll beat Kane tonight. The Primetime Players (O’Neil and Young) lose to Santino and Zack Ryder with a fluke roll-up (not FRUIT roll-up). Out comes Big Show to lay waste to the babyfaces.
Mike: Hey, it’s CM Punk! He digs crazy chicks, so now’s your chance!
Mike: “Tonight, the Best in the World makes the Devil’s Favorite Demon go to sleep.” Nice word play.
Kelly: And now a recap of two tag teams that wrestle sometimes which means…yup, they’re in the ring.
Mike: The Primetime Players get the jobber entrance, but something tells me they’ll be getting the victory here.
Kelly: Zack Ryder and Santino Marella…I wonder what method WWE uses to decide the tag teams.
Mike: Eric Bischoff’s Raw Roulette wheel, of course.
Kelly: Well, Black Cena…is folded up by Santino who picks up the victory. That was sudden.
Mike: Well I guess I have to eat my words from earlier.
Kelly: Big Show appears as they celebrate, and tosses them around.
Mike: Zack Ryder needs to change his cologne. It attracts too many monsters.
Kelly: Like a moth to a flame. He likes ’em big.
Kelly: Yeah I know what I said.
Mike: Camel Clutch to Santino on the steel steps!
Kelly: And he knocks Santino the fuck out with a gigantic fist to finish off the attack.
Mike: This show was just getting good, too…now we come to a full stop. Thanks, Big Show.
AJ catches up with Daniel Bryan backstage. Cody Rhodes defeats Tyson Kidd as Christian watches from commentary.
Mike: Mmmmm…hello, AJ.
Kelly: Oh god.
Mike: Daniel Bryan just knocked her off her high horse.
Kelly: Well, it was over quickly enough so I’m happy. Christian is sitting with the announcers in a snazzy cap.
Mike: Hey, it’s Tyson Kidd! I’m surprised he’s still employed after the break-up of the Hart Dynasty.
Kelly: I’m surprised every time he pops up. Not looking too shabby right now, either.
Mike: Quick squash and now we get a war of words between Captain Charisma and Cody.
Kelly: I really like them together. Let’s hope for the best on this feud…I know how much WWE likes dropping the ball on shit I like.
WWE Championship: CM Punk vs Kane
Kelly: And here we have it. Our main event.
Mike: Hey, a WWE title match ENDS a show? I guess we’re not watching a PPV, huh?
Kelly: Ha! I just got soda all over my computer screen from spitting it out, but it was totally worth it.
Mike: Still got it, bitches!
Kelly: I still can’t believe we have a Raw title main event on Smackdown.
Mike: Really? Do you not know what company we’re watching?
Kelly: I guess FSW just spoiled me last night.
Mike: I can’t believe it’s been 14 years since Kane held the WWE Championship for 24 hours.
Kelly: I can’t believe how many times we’ve said “I can’t believe…” tonight.
Mike: I can’t believe you’ve played that joke out.
Kelly: I can’t believe I still do this recap with you.
Kelly: Love yaaa. So, anyway, Punk starts hot once he gets Kane out of the ring, and attempts to flatten the big guy once they crawl back in.
Mike: Kane is getting the figurative shit kicked out of his arm.
Kelly: Punk chews on a very large boot before being knocked to the ground, no doubt watching the small cartoon birds circle his head.
Mike: They’re flying Pepsi cans.
Kelly: Holy fuckton of commercials, Batman.
Mike: NOW it’s more like a WWE PPV.
Kelly: CM Punk’s love affair with Kane’s arm continues.
Mike: Here comes AJ!
Kelly: Jesus, she is EVERYWHERE NOW.
Mike: Except in my pants, where she belongs.
Kelly: Get her there, and keep her there.
Mike: Kane’s running elbow looked like he tripped and fell.
Kelly: He probably did.
Mike: Choke slam reversed into a DDT!
Kelly: Punk with the high knee…and another.
Mike: Nice sequence botched by Punk, but they recover and the champ drops Kane with a swinging neck breaker.
Kelly: AJ watches ringside, with the same look you’d see on a three-legged puppy at the pound.
Mike: Speaking of AJ and pounding….
Kelly: Kane to the top rope, pounces, but is met with a dropkick!
Mike: Punk climbs to the top, but AJ warns him of Daniel Bryan’s sneak attack!
Kelly: Big fat elbow from the top rope, Punk pins Kane for one, two…kick-out.
Mike: Lots of near-falls and counters here.
Kelly: Kane wraps his fingers around Punk’s throat, but Bryan suddenly appears, striking both and it ends in a DQ.
Mike: Bryan nearly kicks Punk’s head off but Punk fights back…GTS interrupted by a double Choke Slam from the Big Red Machine!
Kelly: End it with fire, and that’s a pretty good (Raw) main event. Wait…Johnny Ace is wheeling out. Let me guess, triple threat?
Mike: With “school marm” Eve.
Kelly: What a buzzkill.
Mike: Well, what did you think?
Kelly: I don’t know, honestly. It could have been good, but it was too condensed. I’m a little tired of the Ryback vs Jobbers thing.
Mike: I thought the two main events were decent.
Kelly: I really liked the Punk/Kane match, but John’s announcement at the end just ruined it.
Mike: I saw that coming for the last two weeks, ever since Kane was first involved.
Kelly: No, I like that it’s a triple threat. That’ll be fun. But him wheeling out and choking on his words was an absolute buzzkill!
Mike: Ah. But that’s Ace for ya. He’s a hell of a lot better than Adamle.
Kelly: Well, sorry for the dullness on my part, folks. Pair a hangover with a poor night’s sleep, the come-down after a long week, and a bright, shiny new iPhone, and it’s trouble. At least Mike was here for your entertainment.
Mike: SOMEBODY has to save this column, right?
Kelly: Apparently. I fail today.
Mike: You get an A for effort.
Mike: Now go make me dinner.
Kelly: Food poisoning awaits.
Kelly: Well, we’ll see you guys next week, where Mike has promised to tap dance for you all. Naked.
Mike: Yes. You must all be naked.
Kelly: Absolutely mandatory.
Mike: So long…
Kelly: And thanks for all the fish.
Tags: aj lee, alberto del rio, big show, brodus clay, christian, cm punk, Cody Rhodes, Damien Sandow, Daniel Bryan, Darren Young, David Otunga, Dolph Ziggler, Eve, Ezekiel Jackson, Heath Slater, jack swagger, John Laurinaitis, kane, Kelly Floyd, Lillian Garcia, Mike Gojira, No Way Out, randy orton, ryback, Santino Marella, sheamus, sin cara, Smackdown, titus o'neil, Tyson Kidd, Vickie Guerrero, World Heavyweight Championship, WWE, wwe championship, WWE Tag Team Championship, zack ryder