An obese wrestling fan living in his parents’ basement reviews the cultural treasure known only as Impact. What’s not to look forward to?
Tonight we’ve got the youthful Stinger, the charismatic Bobby Roode, and all the Impact a man can possibly stomach. My name is Nick Mann and this is the first time I have ever written anything about the greatest sport of them all, professional wrestling. I feel a little bit like Homicide stuck halfway up the steel cage during that infamous episode, but here goes..
Brooke Hogan knows what all men really want…that’s right, it’s IMPACT WRESTLING!
Impact LIVE Results 6.7.12
Previously on Impact…we have a combination of soap opera/reality show letting usknow what happened last week. Jesus Christ, they’re even using the Jersey Shore camera filter on the recap. God help me.
We kick things off with footage of Dixie going on a rampage, demonstrating personality for perhaps the first time I’ve ever seen her in action. She lets the poor production crew have it- “DON’T LOOK AT ME WITH THOSE EYES!”
Dixie whines about Daniels and Kazarian. Right as she’s about to come clean about her illicit affair with AJ Styles, the aforementioned villains make their way to the ring to berate her.
Wait, her husband’s name is Serge? No wonder she was getting busy with that beefcake Styles. After some verbal abuse from the bald bastard, Styles makes the save. SURGE enters into the ring and punches AJ! Dixie is distraught, AJ consoles her and I wonder what the hell I have gotten myself into.
THE UNDEFEATED CRIMSON vs. Austin Aries
I really like Crimson as a heel. He looks like a douche, he comes off as a douche, why not use that to his advantage? Samoa Joe has a heart-to-heart with Austin Aries, Crimson’s opponent tonight.
Aries grabs an early waistlock but Crimson easily counters. Aries gets a kneebreaker and a discus punch, running circles around the big man. A moonsault meets knees, but Aries avoids the Red Sky.
Aries’ attempt at the brainbuster (now that would look sweet) is countered, but he comes back with a suicide dive. The 16-month streak is in jeopardy when Mohawk Joe interferes! Crimson gets the win. Too short to be much of anything, though I wouldn’t mind seeing a longer version of this match.
Crimson gloats post-match, even referencing “that Goldberg guy” and issues an open challenge for Slammiversary. I really hope this isn’t all building up to a Matt Morgan return.
Coming up- the immortal Hulk Hogan, looking every bit his age.
Brooke Hogan introduces herself to the Knockouts. Damn, she’s taller than most of them! So apparently she’s going to be the virtuous version of Karen Jarrett. Velvet Sky is going to be in a music video with Montgomery Gentry, country stars with an inexplicable love for Impact.
“I am honestly appalled by this. What the fuck happened to wrestling? I know it’s a soap opera but it’s not supposed to be a fucking reality show!” -my friend Jon who walked in and saw this on the screen
And here’s the man himself, Hulk Hogan!
It’s the ten-year anniversary of Impact, brother! Next week LIVE the world title’s on the line. And with that, here comes Boddy Roode. Gotta admit, it’s a catchy theme song even if “off the chain” is a pretty dated reference.
Roode has his own great idea- Hogan should shut his mouth. Is Roode supposed to be a heel? God he’s short too standing next to Hogan. While I love Roode as a wrestler, it’s hard to follow his promos sometimes. It’s like he’s generic heel 101.
Roode grabs Hogan’s muscle shirt, bringing out STING! The aged icon takes a few punches but is unfazed by Roode’s blows. Sting pulls Roode’s shirt over his head then clotheslines him. Roode flees to higher ground, wanting no part of Sting’s 1995 offense.
Commercial break.
#1 contender match, Knockouts Championship- Mickie James vs. Velvet Sky vs. Miss Tessmacher vs. Tara
Velvet might not be the most gifted female wrestler on earth but she brings a certain level of enthusiasm to her matches. Brooke is back to the Miss in an effort to bring some class to the match, I’m guessing.
It’s a slugfest to start, Sky and James start us off proper..and before this match really gets anywhere, it’s another commercial. America’s favorite burger is the Whopper? No wonder the world hates us.
This show hasn’t been actively bad so far. but TNA has another hour to work on that.
We return with James going for the DDT on Sky only for Tessmacher to roll her up. Gail Kim has joined the commentary team. Tessmacher hits a nice neckbreaker but it’s broken up by Velvet.
GOD DAMNIT WHY DO THEY HAVE TO REFERENCE TWITTER ON WRESTLING CONSTANTLY?
We get a contrived but nice spot where each woman tries to submit the other. TNA is good at those multi-person spots and ought to use it more often. Tara up top for the moonsault but misses. Damn, this isn’t bad at all!
The Mega Titties explode in the ring, as former partners Tara and Tessmacher battle it out. Not your best Thesz press there, Mickie. Tessmacher KILLS Mickie for the pin..is that a real move? That was pretty sick.
Best match of the night so far, and an example of the things Impact CAN do right when it wants to.
Next- Bully Ray, Joseph Park, and contracts. Commercial break.
Another recap of the Dixie-Styles-SURGE-lead singer from Live saga, for those who missed the first ten minutes.
Contract singing, Bully Ray and Joseph Park
In a bit of unintentional comedy, the camera angle shows fans streaming out of the Impact Zone in anticipation for the Park-Ray contract signing. Bully Ray makes things happen on this show- you can insert him into any feud and he can elicit a reaction from the fans.
I know it’s silly but Abyss is pretty funny as the hapless lawyer Park. Ray tears up the old contract between the two in favor of one that will not hold him liable for his actions. This is why Ray is an awesome heel, he tells Park he might literally gouge out one of his eyes.
Park balks at signing the contract (and why not, dude just told him he was gonna RIP OUT HIS EYE) until Ray spits on him. Park gives us a rousing speech about all the unnecessarily gory things Abyss did to himself as a wrestler and signs the contract.
Abyss appears on the big screen to berate Chris. My poor friend Jon- “Do they really think we’re idiots?” “Abyss” is obviously taped backstage…and this went from good segment to turd in ten seconds. Great. Ray gets in a cheap shot to put a merciful end to this segment.
Up next, the eternal battle between Robbie E and Devon continues. Garrett Bischoff offers to watch Devon’s back against his midcard nemesis. But first…
Commercial break. I’ve seen more than a few commercials for dandruff shampoo so far. Impact clearly knows its audience.
We get a look at last week’s Gut Check. Al Snow cuts off Joey Ryan’s rant about Tazz and the mustache battle is on! GOD STOP TALKING ABOUT TWITTER
TV Championship, Robbie E vs. Devon
Since they’re marketing Impact as a reality show, Robbie E should be perfect. Love the sweater. Devon, looking much greasier than when he saw him last, enters with his new friend Garret.
Robbie goes through a third of his offense in the first minute, stomping and choking Devon. Madison Rayne is out to stare vacantly at the match. Robbie E has dominated the early going and the match has suffered as a result. Dude brings nothing to the table.
Devon makes the comeback, hitting a Rock Bottom and a headbutt. We go through a painfully long small package reversal, with Devon ultimately getting the pin. The Robbies are unsuccessful in their post-match attack, with Devon and Garrett standing tall in the ring.
Why is Devon condemned to these eternal feuds? First the Pope, now Robbie E.
Commercial break. Built to last, Duralast.
Hogan has returned to the ring for a second time with a groundbreaking announcement. Before he can finish, Mister Anderson cuts him off. This man is an asshole from Green Bay, Wisconsin. He should be the biggest heel in the company, but here we are..
And he’s even SHORTER than Roode! Anderson wants a title shot, but here comes Rob Van Dam. Van Dam does not seem to know where he is or that he even has a pyro. The burnout parade marches on with Jeff Hardy, wearing a tie no less.
Look at this collection of human beings. Hogan makes a 3-way between Hardy, Anderson and RVD with the winner getting a title shot. Hogan’s so hoarse he has to stop the promo. Now that’s sad, I’m talking Ric Flair going bald sad.
Commercial break. Only twenty minutes to go!
Christopher Daniels, Kazarian and Bobby Roode vs. AJ Styles,Kurt Angle and Sting
I can’t imagine someone named Christopher Daniels ever being a good guy. Roode looks and carries himself like a wrestler but I just don’t see him as THE man.
AJ’s pyro goes off but he’s nowhere to be found. No matter, as the ICON is there to make it 2 on 3. The faces get their finishers early but the tag champs make the ropes. The heels call an timeout at ringside as we have another
Commercial break. Look, smoking is bad but do we really have to show these horrific commercials? Just outlaw the shit if you’re going to run these campaigns.
We return with Daniels in control, working over the Stinger. The heels have no problem beating up the senior citizen, isolating him in their corner. One has to appreciate the matching tights on the tag champs.
Roode finally tags in once Sting is beaten down. Sting tries to fight back but whiffs on a Stinger Splash. The hot tag is cut off by Daniels and the beatdown continues. This is nothing fancy. Roode gets the CROSSFACE but Styles returns!
He Peles the shit out of everybody, clearing the way for Sting to hook the Deathlock on Roode for the submission. And that’s our program!
Let me know what you thought, what I could do better, what I’m doing badly, or even if you just read the damn thing.
A mind is a terrible thing to waste. Over and out.
