We are just over one week away from No Way Out and it is a very late Sunday evening. Joining me as usual is the Statler to my Waldorf, Kelly Floyd. Let’s get this shit started!
Alberto del Rio heads to the ring and brings out Ricardo Rodriguez, dressed as Sheamus. He talks trash about the champ until the real deal shows up and a brawl ensues. Teddy Long interrupts to say John Laurinaitis has left him in charge tonight. As a result, Sheamus faces Kane and del Rio gets Khali…right now!
Mike: Welcome, everyone, to a column that’s more reliable than Alberto del Rio’s physical health!
Kelly: Could not have put it better, Mike.
Mike: Speak of the devil….
Kelly: Speaking of Caramel Thunder, here he comes, to kick off the show!
Mike: He’s the Hispanic version of Ken Anderson.
Kelly: I love him, okay?!
Mike: Del Rio is currently suffering from a concussion and a groin tear. I suppose your ex-boyfriends wind up like that, too?
Kelly: You know how I roll, Goji.
Mike: Here comes Ricardo, dressed up like a clone of Sheamus! He looks great!
Kelly: I just threw up in my mouth.
Mike: But I didn’t even lose an article of clothing yet.
Kelly: There’s still time, sugar plum. Real Sheamus emerges and a brawl ensues, as del Rio’s skull meets the giant WWE logo machine thing.
Mike: With del Rio hurt, I can only see their match next Sunday ending one way: short, sweet, and with Sheamus putting Alberto out of action.
Mike: Teddy Long interrupts the brawl to tell everyone he’s the GM, but not really.
Kelly: “We can’t have the show starting off with chaos!’….why the hell not??
Mike: Oh God. I mean Hindu version of God. It’s Khali.
Kelly: This should be…quick, if anything else.
Mike: Now I know how del Rio suffered from his concussion. His brain must have shut itself down at the thought of wrestling Khali.
Kelly: Ha! Can I just say that it’s only fifteen minutes in, and my sister has already passed out. Can’t say I blame her.
Mike: Lower your arms.
Kelly: Too mean, boo.
Mike: I could have been MUCH worse.
Kelly: I meant she fell asleep. So just shut it. Anyway, Khali is doing some things and Alberto is jumping around. Or something.
Mike: Tell your sister I’m a Sagittarius.
Kelly: So is she. She is unimpressed.
Mike: Oh hey, look. Khali tapped out. Yawn.
Kelly: I’m so happy to have this many beers in my system.
Mike: Here’s Teddy backstage with the wingless Funkadactyls and Brodus Clay.
Kelly: I hate these girls. TAKE A DANCE CLASS, HOES.
Mike: They’re not hoes.
Brodus Clay vs Derrick Bateman
Kelly: And we get to see Sir Brodus again. Yay. Snore. Boo. Fart.
Mike: My ovaries hurt. And I don’t actually have any.
Kelly: The only positive thing I could say about him, is that his song is catchy.
Mike: It’s Ernest “The Cat” Miller’s theme, recycled with Flash Funk’s dancing bimbos.
Kelly: I like dinosaurs.
Mike: Ladies and gentlemen, the fabulous word play of Kelly Floyd.
Kelly: Does anyone not like dinosaurs? Shamon.
Mike: Brodus wins and brings in some kids to dance. Of course, the one white boy has no rhythm.
Kelly: I know that feeling, little man. I can’t hip hop dance, either.
Booker T reminisces about his favorite Raw moment. After that Sin Cara defeats Drew McIntyre.
Kelly: I can’t believe we’re at 1000 episodes.
Mike: Booker talks about the time WCW took over Raw as Booker defended his title against Buff Bagwell. What’s your fave Raw moment?
Kelly: That time Trips and HBK were chatting about the DX DVD and there was construction in the background.
Mike: Mine was Jericho’s debut. Unreal.
Kelly: I saw videos of that. Chills.
Mike: Oh guess what? Drew McIntyre sighting!
Kelly: Who? Ha! Kidding. He’s facing my fave.
Mike: I keep hoping, with the way main eventers keep dropping like flies, that guys like McIntyre get pushed simply because the company has no choice.
Kelly: Not with abrupt Sin Cara victories like that, I’m afraid.
Mike: What? The match is over?!
Ryback destroys two more jobbers.
Kelly: Why do they let these guys speak?
Mike: Because it amuses me. How often do jobbers get to talk smack before they get destroyed?
Kelly: True. One of my buddies was once one of those jobbers. Well, on Superstars.
Mike: Really? You never told me that!
Kelly: I posted it once. He bitch slapped Wade Barrett.
Mike: I don’t recall. In any case, did you talk to him after?
Kelly: Here and there. He’s with a different indy promotion now. Cool dude. Could really go the distance.
Mike: I want to see Ryback carry THREE men. And a horse.
Kelly: And a baby’s arm, holding an apple.
Mike: “My God, you’re a tripod.” Ah, Austin Powers.
Kelly: That only reminded me of Girl Next Door.
Mike: I liked that movie. Mostly because of Elisha Cuthbert.
Kelly: Oh, girl. Me too.
Christian interviews Cody Rhodes in a Peep Show segment before facing Dolph Ziggler in the ring.
Kelly: Peep Show time…so anticlimactic.
Mike: But Cody is here to tear down the set!
Kelly: Mid-sentence, Christian does indeed appear.
Mike: He’s currently visiting TNA tonight, as we type this.
Kelly: I saw that photo.
Mike: Cody is actually using logic here, asking about Christian’s sudden change of heart.
Kelly: I’m glad they’re explaining the sudden change of pace.
Mike: He says he did it to emulate Edge. You have to steal your friend’s girl and get divorced two or three times before you get that far, buddy.
Kelly: Ha! Meanwhile, Dolph appears.
Mike: This should be a great match.
Kelly: The two are just annihilating each other, right now. I would like to take this mid-match break to say hello to a very special little man, Jaxon! This kid could school ALL of you on wrestling trivia!
Mike: I can’t believe he actually reads the crap we produce. What’s up, kiddo?
Kelly: Me neither. Poor child.
Mike: Christian is in pain as Dolph has him grounded.
Kelly: Dolph is showing off in all different ways, trying to keep Christian’s shoulder on the mat for 3 seconds.
Mike: I just took a shot of Bailey’s. Don’t drink and recap, kiddies!
Mike: Christian reverses a FameAsser into a sit-down power bomb!
Kelly: Yeah! All that! Ziggler tries for his finisher but it fails.
Mike: Booker T: “Christian just slipped out the back door.” Nickel for every time that happened.
Mike: Christian wins with the Frog Splash and Dolph’s momentum continues to drop.
We get a recap of Michael Cole’s abuse at the hands of John Cena last Monday night. Hornswoggle shows up dressed as Jim Ross to further the humiliation. Damien Sandow interrupts and Tyson Kidd saves Hornswoggle, but gets a whoopin’ himself.
Kelly: Have we really been tweeting about Cole’s interaction with Cena on Raw? I don’t recall tweeting that at all.
Mike: JIM ROSS IS HERE?!
Kelly: Nope. Hornswoggle. I hate this show, sometimes.
Mike: I miss JR teaming with JBL on Smackdown commentary.
Kelly: I actually remember that! Yay!
Mike: “Hornswoggle” Ross laughs at Cole’s beating like Frank Gorshin’s version of The Riddler.
Kelly: Sandow saunters out amidst the cackling.
Mike: I can see the headlines now: SANDOW SAVES SEGMENT!
Kelly: Wait. When did Tyson Kidd appear?
Mike: Just now. We’re in now, now.
Kelly: Maybe it’s time to switch to water.
Mike: Sandow destroys Kidd and the word “diminutive.” It’s not pronounced “dimUnitive,” dummy.
Kelly: What a douche.
Mike: Sandow, right?
Kelly: Um, yeah!
Matt Striker interviews Kane backstage about the situation with AJ. Antonio Cesaro quickly squashes Jimmy Uso.
Kelly: Oooh, Kane is lurking all creepy-like backstage.
Mike: And like a perverted teacher, so is Matt Striker.
Kelly: You would know.
Mike: Ignoring that one. Hey, AJ likes Kane, Punk, and Daniel Bryan!
Kelly: AJ needs to GTFO.
Kelly: Oh, Castagnoli is back.
Kelly: That, too.
Mike: Is it just me, or is the show this week reminiscent of an episode of Saturday Morning Superstars? Way too many squashes.
Kelly: I know. Too many “I already forgot what happened” matches, too.
Mike: Sheamus’s favorite Raw moment? When he won the Battle Royal commentated by Jesse Ventura and Vinnie Mac.
Kelly: Surprise, surprise. Though, I remember that. I loved it!
Mike: Did you love his uber-push that followed?
Kelly: Where Cena fell all dainty-like into the table, and then Triple H was torn apart? I actually did. But I was fresh.
Sheamus vs Kane
Kelly: Not to sound like a gay man, but Sheamus looks fierce right now.
Mike: Considering you’re a straight woman, I’m not sure how that applies.
Kelly: Am I? AM I??
Mike: I…I don’t even know any more.
Kelly: So Kane is at the mercy of Sheamus..
Mike: Lots of punches from both men.
Kelly: From my dad: “You could make a great drinking game out of this…every time Booker T says ‘dawg’, you drink!”
Mike: Hi, Pop!
Kelly: “Hello, son!” Looks like Sheamus got introduced to the barricade, thanks to Kane. What a great host.
Mike: This suuuuuuucks.
Kelly: I’m so happy for the amber bottle glued to my hand.
Mike: I’m so happy this match is almost over.
Kelly: Kane has quite a badonkadonk.
Mike: Wow. On the list of inappropriate things to say, that’s pretty high up there.
Kelly: I didn’t say it was a nice one. Just much larger than I anticipated.
Mike: That’s what she said!
Kelly: I’m surprised you know that girls say that.
Mike: They say it A LOT.
Kelly: In porn.
Mike: Yes…..in porn.
Kelly: Kane to the top rope! Splat.
Mike: White Noise from Sheamus!
Kelly: So much sweat. So many germs.
Mike: I can’t see this ending clean and….there’s Ricardo.
Kelly: Brogue kick, stopped. Chokeslam, stopped, Double clothesline, and it’s a DQ thanks to ADR and RR.
Mike: Here comes AJ, playing mind games on the Big Red Machine!
Mike: Brogue Kick to Kane! Brogue Kick to Rodriguez!
Kelly: And the credits roll.
Mike: Closing thoughts?
Kelly: Ugh. I can’t wait until next week.
Mike: That’s it?
Kelly: Yup. This show was just…blah.
Mike: It felt like the writers were told to go easy and take the night off.
Kelly: Not to sound insensitive (even though it is), but it felt like Make-A-Wish granted a kid the right to plan out a show.
Mike: If I were a Make-A-Wish kid, I would have asked for a BETTER show. I suppose that’ll do for this week. So long…
Kelly: And thanks for all the fish!
Tags: aj lee, alberto del rio, Antonio Cesaro, Booker T, brodus clay, buff bagwell, chris jericho, christian, cm punk, Cody Rhodes, Damien Sandow, Daniel Bryan, derrick bateman, Dolph Ziggler, Drew McIntyre, DX, edge, Hornswoggle, Intercontinental Championship, Jesse Ventura, Jim Ross, jimmy uso, john cena, John Laurinaitis, kane, Kelly Floyd, Matt Striker, Michael Cole, Mike Gojira, monday night raw, No Way Out, Ricardo Rodriguez, ryback, shawn michaels, sheamus, sin cara, Smackdown, Teddy Long, The Great Khali, TNA, triple h, Tyson Kidd, vince mcmahon, Wade Barrett, WCW, World Heavyweight Championship, WWE