The Bachelorette 2012 Review – Emily Maynard – Episode 5

Holy crap, this is long.

Okay so first things first.  I am a douche bag.  Can girls be douche bags?  What is the female equivalent?  Is it one word or two?  So many important questions before 7:30 AM even hits!

Here is why I am a douche bag.  Not that it matters at this point, since Alejandro has left us and gone back to the earth (that’s right Alejandro, not to be confused with Alessandro – apparently I’ve been mixing the two up in my blogs – what are the chances???).  As I was saying, not that it matters, but while I was judging this poor boy for being a) mute and b) a pre-pubescent mushroom farmer, I was depriving myself of the wonder that actually is Alejandro.  In his ‘real’ life, this kid not only founded a 1,000 member non-profit, has received numerous public service awards, was named undergrad of the year at UC Berkeley, one of Business Week Magazine’s Top 25 Entrepreneurs under 25 and like 400 other awards  – AND ­– wait for it – is a proud Hodgkin’s Lymphoma survivor.  Seriously???  Are you friggin kidding me?  Perhaps you could have alluded to these amazing accomplishments instead of highlighting the fact that you’re a mushroom farmer.  Do you even like mushrooms?  Who is the real Alejandro? As I said earlier, it doesn’t really matter at this point, but I needed to give myself a little public wrist slap if for no other reason than to teach the valuable lesson that you should not judge a book by its large, too-feminine double ear-piercing.  And up close, in the limo (the only time he ever got actual time in the forefront), as he fought back tears, he was actually kinda cute.

Okay since I’m all into confessions this morning, I might as well go balls out.  I have to confess that perhaps I’m being a bit harsh this season.  Am I bored?  Well, yes.  But am I bored to oblivion, where I am secretly dying to go to bed but I can’t because I have created this tiny little beast of a blog and have to watch the whole episode so I can get up at an ungodly hour the following day and write this entire thing before it starts to interfere with my work day?  No.  No I am not.

I like Emily – I really do.  Would I be friends with her in real life?  Let’s be honest. Probably not.  Not because she isn’t the sweetest thang you ever did see, or because I judge her parenting skills (though I am a bit concerned about this co-sleeping business she seems to be into).  It’s mostly because I’d rather not have any more self-loathing than is necessary for the average woman and I fear with her by my side, looking like perfection all god damn day, that will only escalate.  Really, who needs that?  Also, let’s just call a spade a spade – she isn’t dripping with personality.  But – she isn’t super-annoying Ashley with her spray-painted jeans and eternal yeast infection and she’s certainly not Deanna, with her manly voice and excessive use of the word heart.  And, by no means is she Ali, with her greasy hair and overabundance of yellow clothing.  She is Emily.  Sweet, strong-willed, fiercely loyal, Emily.  Emily is on to you, boys.  She knows your game and she’s not afraid to call you out.  She’s open to love and romance, despite how she’s been hurt before and she will not do anything to compromise her or her daughter’s happiness.  So I’m sorry to Emily too – for judging a bit too harshly.  Is it the most action-packed season ever?  No.  But I’m still glad I’m along for the ride.

Okay last confession.  When I was in elementary school, I may have occasionally stolen a croissant from the grocery store behind my school.  Phew.  That felt good.

Now, down to business.

This week we’re in London and somehow miraculously, the sun is actually shining.  Could this be an omen for Emily?  Even still, those great-looking tans some of the guys are sporting will fade within minutes of arriving.  I’d be pissed.  All that effort, gone.  The opening scenes show the guys traipsing around London in what looks like some sort of gay cheer squad.  Finally, they reach the head cheerleader, Chris Harrison who drops the H bomb on them before sending them off to their hotel.

Thank goodness for travel.  The chance to change up the décor every few days does not go unnoticed by me.  For some reason though, no matter where they are or what the setting is, for the rose ceremony, the scene always looks like the same tacky, multicoloured, mess, with wax dripping left and right.  Weird.

The first date card arrives and it goes to Sean.  I was pretty sure he’d get a one-on-one this week (along with Jef) so it was no surprise.  Honestly, as long as Sean is on camera smiling, this show just gets better and better. How can you not enjoy getting lost in those gorgeous dimples and buff-without-trying bod?  That is some tasty business.

While Blaine sulks over not having control over life in general, which clearly he’s accustomed to, Sean and Emily are greeting each other, and not only does she look adorable (who looks thin in a coat?), but this week she’s rocking the sexy sick-voice.  Normally, the couple runs to each other with crazy excitement on these dates, but alas, looks like Emily consulted Ashley on wardrobe selection for this date and chose a pair of five inch Mary Jane stilettos for her walking tour of London so she’s incapable of running.  Seriously?   Could you not have chosen a cute flat boot?  Or even a high wedge for the love of god?  What is wrong with these girls?  Heels on a walking tour?  That’s worse than when I see women wearing heels to a mall.  Not worries though – if this girl brings options to a cave, surely she’s got a pair of flats hiding somewhere close by.  It’s only a matter of time.

I’m not sure what Emily does professionally.  Actually, does this single mom even work?  Hmm…another reason to hate her.  One thing I know she does not do, is conduct tours for a living.

She clearly studied up on London landmarks before jetting over there, but she pointed things out to Sean so painfully slow that she was either reading from cue cards in front of her (and just learned to read) or took public speaking lessons from Ferris Bueller’s economics teacher.  By the way, if there are people reading this that don’t know who Ferris Bueller is just kill me now.

Meanwhile, back at the house, Blaine is putting his sockless, gross, yachting shoe-covered foot into his collagen-injected but severely chapped mouth.  Seriously has anyone noticed his lips getting worse by the week?  He looks like a survivor from the plane crash in Alive.  I know it’s hard to see beyond his chin but try.

He throws the line out there that ‘every date is going to be a group date’ with Ricki on the scene.  Oh no you di-in’t!!!!  Seriously, people need to chill for a minute with the whole baggage thing.  Yes, Emily (and all the other guys) should be offended by Blaine for being there without truly caring about Emily or being interested in her specifically.  But let’s call a spade a spade, here.  The girl’s got baggage.  I am a mom of two and trust me, I have no illusions.  If I were to get up and leave my husband and find myself plunged into the world of J-date hell where I had to check off a box for kids on my profile right after I list what camp I went to, I would acknowledge that dating a woman with kids is probably not as ideal as dating one without.  I’m cool with that.  It’s called reality.  Not to say that my kids aren’t the cutest friggin’ Lightning McQueen and Dora the Explorer backpacks ever, but any way you slice it; baggage.

Back to Emily and Sean who are approaching the Speaker’s Corner portion of the date.  Sean looks a bit nervous and unsure of how to handle the situation and then before you know it, he’s standing on the soap box, delivering a Presidential Address about love that he just happened to pull out of his pocket.     Smooth move on his part to acknowledge right away that he’s not sure if there’s love there, as it probably made her want him more.  Well played, comrade.

Evening rolls around and they pop on over to Louis or Henry the Something’s castle for dinner – you may remember from last season that the Royal Family just isn’t my forte…and now that we’re on ‘Bump Watch’ for William and Kate, I can only imagine the travesty her maternity wardrobe will be.  Is it weird that I liked their host’s outfit better than Emily’s?  And is it just me or did her shawls seem to be birthing other shawls as the night progressed?  How much outerwear can one person wear (or is she just now carrying around her hand job blanket for convenience?)  Hmm…could be.  Dinner was ‘nice’ but I’d be lying if I told you I wasn’t hoping that Bentley would just pop that gorgeous head of hair out from the suit of armor behind them and kick things up a notch.

So while Sean and Emily are wrapping up ‘the best day of Sean’s life’, back at the house the guys are getting ready for the group date.   Of course, Alejandro the Great is the only one who can crack the code and identify the quote from Shakespeare.  At this point, I wouldn’t expect anything less.

Once again we are forced to endure a group date centering around a performance and embarrassment in front of an audience.  Highlights for me were definitely Ari in general and his brutal honesty (I can’t think of a better phrase than ‘F*ck my Life’ to sum up the day’s events and having to wear white tights and the male Shakespeare instructor doing power lunges in the background of rehearsals when he’s supposed to be coaching them.

Despite what I can only assume is an upbringing riddled with private school and an abundance of bow ties, Blaine proves once again that he’s not the sharpest knife in the drawer by dismissing Emily in the middle of ‘rehearsals’.  Um, have you forgotten why you’re here?  To spend time with her?  Do you actually think that telling her to leave is going to get her to want to spend more time with you???  It’s bad enough that you told her to stop speaking last time you were face to face, but now you don’t even want her in your sight.  Romance is clearly in the air…

Other standouts for me were Doug uncharacteristically flashing the audience to the horror of many a she-male (I still have no idea if that one ‘person’ with short grey hair and a mouthful of veneers has boy parts or girl parts), Jon’s lingering kiss with Doug and Travis in general – because I think somewhere in there, lies a sense of humor, but the feminine hand gestures just seem to bring me back to reality every time.  Anyone else thinking at this point that Travis may be batting for the other team?

Interesting that Emily gets to sit in the critic’s seat and judge the guys for having fun with the task at hand and bringing their personality to the game, when she had possibly the worst performance of the day.  The girl could barely read, let along emote.  And honestly, I wish she had just kept that dress on because I think I like it better than pretty much all of her cocktail party attire thus far.

Then there’s Ryan.  Ryan who thinks a kiss in a performed play can count as an actual kiss.  Ryan who wears cropped vests.  Ryan who brings out the country in her.  Ryan who gives her the wink and the guns.  Ryan who has developed a weird scarf fetish.  Yet, Ryan is also Ryan who’s got some game. Even Emily admits later in the show that she knows what he’s all about yet she is starting to feel powerless under his spell.  I will give him some kudos for giving her a turquoise necklace (her favourite) and pulling the old Romeo balcony business at the cocktail party.  Normally I would never condone this type of display at a cocktail party, but given the Shakespeare theme, I’ll let it slide.  This time.

Moving onto the drama of the night.  It’s no surprise that Blaine was the one to make the comments that the upcoming scenes have been teasing us with for five weeks.  His attempt to back-pedal his way out of the baggage claim by clarifying that they have a negative connotation (uh, duh!) didn’t quite save him.  How he can be so closed-minded about dating a woman with a child when he was raised by a single mom is beyond me.  Didn’t he want his mom to get some?  I’m sure she needed the release after hanging out with him all day.  I have to admit, I got pretty excited when Emily said she was going to go ‘West Virginia, Hood Rat, Backwoods’ on his ass and I can only imagine how Blaine would have reacted if that had actually happened.  Other than dropping the F-bomb and showing him the door, there wasn’t really enough Hood Rat for my taste, but when Emily later remarked to Jef on their one-on-one that she wanted to remove her earrings and kick his ass, I’m thinking, just how many fights has this girl been in to know to remove her earrings first???  I mean, it totally makes sense but who thinks of that???

Before he can apply a fresh coat of lip gloss, Blaine is gone forever and Doug is left attempting to pick up the pieces while Emily side swipes him on his way to comfort her, claiming she wants to be alone.  And…..scene.

So finally, it’s Jef’s time in the spotlight and I think I have been looking forward to this as much as Emily because there is something intriguing about him.

The whole etiquette thing was just brutal but I think Jef handled it like a pro.  I certainly didn’t think this season would involve a threesome of any kind, but we came alarmingly close last night.  Love the fact that they actually escaped from Jean while she was ‘in the loo’.  I would have thrown a cucumber sandwich at the window, pulled a ‘what’s that over there?” and hightailed it out of there a lot faster – though totally down with Emily stealing the pastries too.

The one thing that stood out to me on their date was of course the bag comment.  I think Jef did a great job of making lemonade out of lemons by turning the baggage reference around for Emily.  I’m a little shocked/ amused that he pulled out Chloe and didn’t go for the more obvious Gucci or Prada, but it does provide a tasty morsel of what else can be lurking inside ‘the illusive Jef’.  Either way, if that bag analogy didn’t get Jef one step closer to Emily’s box, I don’t know what will.

Jef is looking for someone to share the details with which is cute and all, but here’s a detail for you.  When you’re telling a girl how beautiful she is and how much you want to kiss her and she says thank you, don’t say ‘you’re welcome’ before you stuff your tongue in her mouth.  It creates an unparalleled layer of awkwardness that is just unnecessary.  Just kiss her dammit.    And it’s never a good sign when the girl you’ve just kissed gives you the two-guy hug-pat.  If you were hugging, say, Doug, I’d want the pat.  I’d need the pat.  But when you get the pat right after what’s supposed to be a romantic kiss – not a good sign.  Jef like makes it clear after the date that like he’s feeling, like, a million emotions.  Sorry to do this buddy, but like, embarrassment should be like, right up there.

Almost there guys, hold it steady.  The cocktail party arrives and once again, Emily is dressed in a shameful ensemble.  Why does she always look like she’s going figure skating at the rose ceremonies?  That single sparkly sleeve was distracting to say the least, but unfortunately not distracting enough to keep me from noticing Jon’s red pants.  Somewhere in the North Pole, poor Santa Clause is running around with two little icicles for balls wondering who the hell took his pants.  Shame.  Jon should have gone home just for that.

Even though she made Ari sweat for the final rose (wonder if Alejandro saw that one coming), it’s clear he’s still a front runner, along with Sean who gives Emily butterflies in her heart.  How could he not with the smile?  Jef and Ryan did make some firm impressions on Emily this week but they still have a long way to go.

Alejandro, I think I’ve said all there is to say.  No doubt you’ll move on from this moment and go on to cure cancer and stop global warming and all that other fun stuff.  If you could just lose at least one of the earrings before doing so, that would be great.

Next week, looks like more drama is ahead as some ulterior motives of other guys start to surface and real feelings make saying goodbye each week harder and harder.  Sure I’m excited for that, but did anyone else catch the previews for the upcoming movie Magic Mike during commercials?  I actually had to rewind my PVR.  Mathew Mcconaug-HEY with no shirt on?  It has certainly been a while.  Welcome back to the big screen.  Anyone else more excited for that than next week’s episode?  Anyone?  Anyone?  Bueller…Bueller…Bueller…

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