Top of the morning to ya!
This week was full of surprises, no? Little Ricki was finally sent back to Oz, leaving us blissfully in the company of adults only. The promise of some action teased us all the way to Dubrovnik, Croatia (a place where I am dying to go – hint hint, Honey).
Just watching the preview of Arie pushing Emily up against the wall certainly moistened up the evening for me – and I’m not talking about the humidity outside. There is something about a man with his strong hands and thumbs cupping a woman’s cheeks that just touches me in a special place.
Even though Ricki wasn’t able to join us on this leg of the race – whoops, I mean this week on the show -– she was definitely there in spirit, as Emily monologued us to death about how much she’ll be missing her little one since leaving her behind and going to Croatia – I mean Scotland – whoops – Ancient Rome. I don’t know why Emily didn’t just bother bringing her with as she certainly had tons of room in that bag. Clearly the suitcase she was fake-pulling down the street to her hotel was empty. The producers could have at least stuffed it to make it look full, no? Am I the only one who cares about the details? We’re talking about a girl who brings options to a cave, people. Surely she would have more than one, half-full carry on.
I was pleased to see that though Dubrovnik is a stunning old city, the hotel suite allotted to the guys was surprisingly chic. Maybe we can get through one episode without tassels and brocade? Dare I dream?
I have to admit, as stunning as every inch of the place seems to be, the sight of Sean chilling in his turquoise plaid shirt on the couch as the guys get settled in was also quite the sight for sore eyes. I think turquoise might just become my favourite colour too.
So Travis gets the first one-on-one, and in the nick of time. I mean, I knew he was going to end up going home, but at least she had the decency to give him a one on one to give him a fighting chance to prove himself instead of him ending up one of those guys who somehow makes it to the final four and you still don’t know their name. There’s no denying Travis is a super nice guy and I think that maybe, just maybe he might be a tad funny (though he did seem to leave his sense of humour back at the hotel for this date). His voice is like a cross between Fozzie Bear’s and Herbert from Family Guy – not the most ideal combo if you ask me.
By the grace of God, Emily decides to wear a flat boot for her walking tour. Thank god, because I honestly don’t think I could have stood one more walking date in five inch heels. There really isn’t much to say about their date. He manages to get a foot onto the ‘balancing stone’ thanks to the strategic holes that have no doubt been carved by the fingernails and sweat of desperate singles for years before him. For some reason, she’s disappointed that she hasn’t gotten a chance to see what’s under Travis’s shirt yet. Haven’t you guys been hanging out at pools? How have you not seen Travis’s goods? Or have you been distracted by, oh I dunno, Doug’s or Sean’s body when the opportunity has presented itself and missed out on poor Travis’s alabaster skin?
They continue on through the cobblestone streets making new discoveries along the way and offending local performers by busting into line dancing wherever possible. If Travis is hoping to swing his partner right on over to second base, he better get a move on!
Meanwhile back at the house, Ryan has managed to do the unthinkable. He has taken one of the purest simplest forms of fashion – the wife beater tank top – and completely desecrated it. Trust me, I am by no means a fan of a man in a tank top in general. The ones worn on the Highland Games date were a little too ‘I’m a dancer for Madonna’ and the worst offenders –loose fitting tank tops with giant arm holes that offer a peek at male side-boob and random nipple hairs are just unacceptable under any circumstances. But the crisp white wife beater, Ryan? What did it ever do to you??? It’s just one of those things you don’t mess with. Do you give it a v-neck? No you don’t. Do you use different colour thread for the seams? Funny you should ask! The answer is no. I can’t even begin to describe the mistakes evident with the one he was sporting, from the ribbing, to the ‘straps’, so I’ll lay it to rest. But know that it hurt me. Deeply.
While I am shuddering from watching Ryan in his man bra, Emily is welcoming Travis to their private dining room with – what else – ‘Pretty, riiiiight???‘ He reveals that he hasn’t dated in two years and I can just picture his bedroom floor, littered with crusty tube socks. She must be thinking the same thing because she actually looks nauseous as he’s toasting her and his ten out of eight date night. Clearly their conversation throughout dinner is riveting, because at one point he actually apologizes to her for talking her ear off because she hasn’t a bite of food. Are you kidding me? I can practically hear her thoughts as she looks down at her plate. ‘Food? Is that what this is? I was wondering what all the pretty colours were.’
I am actually getting really annoyed with the lack of meals actually being consumed on these dates. First, because I adore food and if I had fine dining thrust at me on a daily basis you can be damn sure I’d be eating it. But honestly, it’s just ridiculous. How about instead of preparing meals for the couples going forward, take the budget for that meal and donate it to starving children? Or just cook the food and take it directly to homeless people wherever you happen to be? Clearly meals are not a big part of these people getting to know each other as I literally have yet to see anyone take a single bite of food on any of these dates, so I say down with private dining rooms, and down with cold congealing plates of epicurean adventure awaiting their predators. From now on, just hit the bars.
Goodbye Travis. We know you’ll land on your feet, buddy. And nothing mends a broken heart like tossing an umbrella and littering in a foreign country so you’re already on the road to healing.
Onto the group date announcement, which revealed Ryan gets the one-on-one (and also revealed more of Ryan than I ever wanted to see.) Seriously is there ever a point where he is not sitting in the birthing position. As if his ego doesn’t take up enough room in the air, he has to fill the rest with his legs!
While the guys get ready for their date, Ryan tells us how excited he is to manipulate the situation and go get the girl. ‘I know it sounds arrogant, but I’m just being truthful,’ he says. Yep. Arrogant? That’s pretty truthful, alright.
So off to the movies we go. Emily is back in her stilettos and yet another example of daytime sequins. Did anyone else notice that every single article of clothing she wore on last night’s episode had sequins? Every outfit. Seriously.
I’m going to pretend I didn’t hear Arie make the ‘gypped’ comment in reference to the fact that the protagonist in Brave only got to pick from three guys – ignorance is bliss, right? Unless you live under a rock, you should know that phrase is actually pretty derogatory and offensive. But I will forgive Arie, this one time.
After the movie ends, surprise, surprise – Emily moves onto the embarrassment portion of the date where she gets to sit on her ass and watch. As mentioned the black tank tops were a little too male dancer for me but they did succeed in highlighting those with the physically perfect arms like Sean and Doug and those with the scrawny ones like Jef and Arie who likely have stronger calves due to excessive hacky-sacking, rather than actually working out in a gym. Nothin’ wrong with that in my books, people. Just throwin’ it out there. It’s actually a shame Ryan didn’t get to participate in this date as it would have been great to see him in his natural competitive element.
The afternoon progresses and really, is there anything hotter than a man on a donkey in a skirt? It really set the tone. Doug makes the cunning observation that it’s kinda weird that they’re in Croatia, reenacting Scottish traditions – and that a Scottish MC has even been imported in for the occasion! I’m kind of surprised about how much Chris sucked at everything. From his womanly stance and perky butt during archery to the fact that he could barely lift the log – I’m surprised the poor guy didn’t need a juice break in between. Maybe he was too busy talking about all the lessons he learned from the movie to focus on the task at hand.
She managed to sneak in some one on one time with the boys – enough to reassure Chris who for some reason she still has a thing for, despite his performance and the fact that their kiss has zero chemistry, and enough to watch Sean lick his lips incessantly. The third activity left me a bit uncomfortable. The guys basically had to sit sack to sack, in skirts, holding hands. That’s manly. This is just yet another example of homoerotic sports at its best. Any excuse men can get to rub up on each other in compromising positions wearing as little clothing as possible…wrestling…mixed martial arts…this Scottish business…just sayin’…you know it’s true.
Night time rolls around and Emily changes into a black sequined number – ya know, just to change it up a little. There really isn’t anything to talk about from this portion of the evening other than The Kiss. Who cares if Chris got a pity rose and she nodded through his love confession like she was answering a medical questionnaire? Who cares if Emily said ‘dag-gone’ twice? Who cares if Jef said like 1000 more times and awkwardly kissed her as he reveals the ‘secret’ that he’s friggin’ crazy about her? The only thing I care about is Arie and what he can do with that mouth of his. Can we talk about that, please?
Let’s go back for a moment. They’re walking. They’re taking about slowing down the walk so they can spend more time together. They pretend to window shop and then Bam! Arie pushes her up against the wall in the friggin hottest, sexiest kiss this show has ever seen. I’m not sure if it was my archaic laptop burning through my thighs, but that kissed stopped me in my tracks. If my husband was not watching with me, chances are strong that I would have rewound it over and over to watch. Judging by my BBM activity last night, I’m not the only one.
Onto Ryan’s debacle of a date. Not quite sure who Ryan decided on when he woke up that morning and asked himself ‘who he wanted to be that day’. Clearly he decided to be someone who shaves drunk, because I don’t quite understand his half beard, half goatee business.
Once again, the pretend luggage is set up by the door to complete the mystery of if he’ll return or not. But honestly, who are we kidding? When Ryan’s getting ready for the date we see three shelves full of shoes and then the bag he lays out is barely big enough for his ego and his hair products.
Despite the fact they their car rental is basically a tricycle, Ryan summons his masculinity and chauffeurs Emily to their date sight, assuring her that, by the way, he isn’t a safe driver, but he doesn’t get in accidents So you’re a big fan of near-death experiences? Awesome.
After Emily BIMs (barfs in mouth) from the oyster, the twosome gets accosted by a local old man, who insists on showing them the picture of his lost family whom I think may have run away with a Mariachi band.
Ryan throws down the word trophy about a million times and is too charmed by himself to realize that Emily is downright uncomfortable. I have to admit he had a bit of a good save when he said that ‘every man should believe his wife is a trophy’ implying that it meant that a man should feel like his wife is the best. But we all know what he was really thinking and thankfully so did Emily.
I almost spit my wine out of my mouth when Emily walked down the steps from where I can only assume is Ancient Rome that night. What the hell was that gladiator dress??? I’m sorry but Ryan hit the nail right on the head when he called her out for not wanting to be referenced as a trophy wife when she literally was dressed up like an actual trophy. I don’t even know where to store the image of that dress in my brain it was so hideous. The only thing distracting enough to draw my attention away from it for a moment was that Ryan revealed his toe thumbs. Of course, noticing them on a guy is not nearly as satisfying as seeing toe thumbs on a hot woman, like, oh Michelle Money for example, or even Megan Fox (it’s true, look it up), but it just makes us average folk feel better that somewhere along their journey towards physical perfection, God decided, ‘ya know what, just to show them who’s boss, I’m gonna throw them a little toe thumb action.’ Let me be clear – I don’t think Ryan by any means is physical perfection, but given his own thoughts about himself, does it really matter what I think?
Ryan’s ‘list’ which consisted of a series of qualities that either support him or make him look good by association, was enough to seal the deal for Emily. When she finally refused to give him the rose, there was a quiet moment where I actually thought he might go ballistic and flip the table over with his neck veins. I don’t know why she had to feed his ego unnecessarily by telling him that he’s one of the best looking guys she’s ever seen, but there she went and did it anyways. I have to admit – kudos to Ryan for fighting back. Most of the guys are like, ‘okay thanks for the opportunity’ and they’re gone before the camera is even set up to capture their limo cry. I actually thought that she would relent and give him another chance, but thankfully she listened to her gut.
The best part of Ryan’s departure was when he chugged his glass of wine as quickly as possible before letting his turquoise feet carry him on out and the fact that he was mourning the loss not of Emily, but of the beautiful bonds created with the men of the house that will surely last a lifetime (cue shot of men doing the horah together back at the hotel around his bag celebrating his departure.) Before he is gone forever, he makes sure to instruct the camera guy not to edit him as an arrogant asshole, but instead portray him exactly as he is…uh, huh? Fingers crossed that he’s one of the mystery guys on Bachelor Pad 3.
It doesn’t take long for Emily to get over Ryan, because surprise, surprise, there’s a pair of lips waiting at the door! Good to see Emily knows not to bother hanging out in the foyer but brings Arie straight up to the bedroom. I was sort of confused when Arie told her she’s hard to find. Um…did you just knock on every single door in Dubrovnik until she answered? Are they even supposed to know where she’s staying?
Unfortunately, class wins out and Arie doesn’t get to kiss her anywhere but her lips (too bad for all of us). Back he goes to his roomies.
The cocktail party reveals yet another horrific gown, this time a cross between a Gaudi sculpture made of Mosaic glass and a popcorn ceiling. Seriously? Who is her night time stylist? And perhaps she should turn some lights on so she can actually see what she’s putting on the poor girl. It must be the same person that chose the finale dresses for Courtney and Lindzi on Ben’s season – I’m still traumatized by those capes. Her earrings, while pretty, looked like they were weighing down her whole head and with the risk of Emily going Virginia Hood Rat Backwoods on various asses at any given moment, those aren’t the kind of earrings I’d want to be wearing in a fight. The fact that when the camera showed a close-up of her back and there wasn’t even one tiny little love handle – well that just made me hate her more.
As usual, in the last few moments, those on the bottom are scrambling to save themselves. Jon pulls out the death cards and shows Emily his soft, family side and then tries to eat her face. Nothing says lovin’ like funeral talk. I’m not saying I didn’t cry. Just sayin’ it was a bit awkward.
And then there’s Doug. At the beginning of the season, I really liked him. A couple episodes in, I thought there may be something hidden about his, like maybe he has a temper, or something. Now, I am just finding him needy and a bit yucky. He could barely put his arm around her – I think he’s actually gotten more uncomfortable as he gets to know her. He’s still a cutie and of course I welled up when he was sitting there crying about his son and feeling sorry for himself. But gotta agree with the other guys, dude. Grow a pair and stop hugging the girl. Get in the game!
I think we all probably expected her not to give out the final rose tonight, so who knew she had a twist in her. Well played, Emily. Way to hold onto the man-baggage for another week. If Doug wants to stick around, he better start making up for lost time and be fisting her by next week.
Coming up, we find out that Arie has dated a producer of the show. My first thought? What are the chances??? Second thought? I want to go for a drink with this girl and get aaaaaallllllll the details. Meow!
Despite the potential trouble in paradise with Arie next week, we ended on a high note, with another Magic Mike preview to remind us ladies why we don’t all pack it up and hit Lezboland.
Until next week! Arie for President!
Tags: Emily Maynard, the bachelorette