Wow, time has really flown by on this season of The Bachelorette, hasn’t it? Emily and her six guys headed to picturesque Prague this week, and by the end she had to select which four guys she’d visit in their hometowns. Is it time to start placing bets on whose family will be the creepiest?
The big scandal that was being teased for this week was Arie’s previous “relationship” with a producer, and it ended up being a total crock. So let’s talk about that nonsense.
Emily’s first date this week was with Arie, but she had more on her mind than Disney-like castles and cobblestone streets. She was consumed with worry that her shorts weren’t sparkly enough! No. But I was – what was that ensemble? Sheer dress shirt, spangly short shorts, tall Western boots. Huh?
Anyway, Emily was really distracted because she had been informed by a producer of the show, Cassie, that Cassie and Arie had a previously existing relationship. I felt it was clear from the start that the whole thing was being blown way out of proportion to Emily just for the sake of the drama. You can’t fool me, Mike Fleiss! Cassie dropped the bomb on Emily and then immediately backtracked when Emily got upset, saying “I don’t think he’s hiding that he knows me. It’s been so long, we don’t even know each other that well.” Well then, why the hell did you tell Emily, Cassie? Oh right, because this is The Bachelorette and you need some dramz. It’s so obvious that Emily will choose Arie that the producers had to try and turn this minor issue into a major roadblock for the two of them just to try and throw us off the scent.
Emily was mad that Arie hadn’t told her he knew Cassie, and spent the first part of their date fuming and asking him lots of questions about loyalty, honesty and openness. And Arie responded by telling her that he’d once had a tattoo of his ex-girlfriend’s name, but he got it covered over once they’d broken up. Emily couldn’t believe he didn’t mention Cassie! Guess why he didn’t? Because it’s so inconsequential!
The weirdest thing of all is how The Bachelorette chose to handle the situation. They didn’t show Cassie initially breaking the news to Emily, but they did show Emily answering questions about how betrayed she felt. And then, just when we were all ready to finally see Emily directly ask Arie about the situation, Harrison showed up and essentially said “It’s OK, they hugged it out.”
OK, not quite. He said a conversation took place between Emily, Arie and Cassie and now everything was OK. And that conversation took place OFF CAMERA. What? Why? This show is so weird. Basically, Arie and Cassie went on one date ten years ago. And Arie didn’t mention it to Emily because, like, IT WAS ONE FLING TEN YEARS AGO! He didn’t think it was a big deal because it’s not.
The whole thing was such manufactured drama, more than usual for The Bachelorette. Emily and Arie enjoyed the rest of their date together, he said “I love you”, and I’m pretty sure he’ll win this whole thing.
My favorite part was back at the house, when one guy asked “What do you think they’re doing right now?” and another guy answered “Almost for sure, they’re having dinner somewhere cool.” Wow, way to go, Sherlock! That’s only what happens on every single date.
It’s a Lock
The next one-on-one date went to John, who’s basically been a mystery man up until now. Emily said her relationship with John had started slowly. “I hope that John realizes that time is running out.” Running out? This is the first time Emily has given John any time at all!
The poor guy had one moment last week when he showed Emily the cards from his grandparents’ funerals and it was sweet, but he hasn’t had any real dates yet. He was way too far behind to have a shot at this point. You can’t go from Date #1 to “Hey, meet my family.” I mean, how could John compete against a guy like Arie, who’s had so much time to bond with Emily? Was he also going to throw out an L-bomb?
John and Emily’s date was, well, let’s just say they’ll make lovely friends. But there was definitely no spark there.
Back at the hotel, Chris was beginning his downward spiral. Sitting in the window of the hotel like Rapunzel, waiting for Emily to come and rescue him, he moped about not having a date since Charlotte. And then he found out he’d be going on a group date and it all went to hell for him.
You know who played that right? Sean. Instead of moping around the hotel, he took off for the streets of Prague. Yes, it was ridiculous to watch him running around the streets of a foreign city yelling “Emilyyyyy” like he’s in his own version of A Streetcar Named Desire. And yes, it is ridiculous to think that Emily actually just happened to be standing alone in an alleyway. That was definitely all a setup. But it was a setup that benefited Sean, because he got to share a late-night beer and a lot of lip-locking with Emily, while Chris was at home probably brushing his hair or something.
“The guys will have no idea,” Sean told Emily. Really? Where would the other guys think you went? The bathroom? You’re all staying in one hotel suite, and I’m pretty sure no one was playing Hide and Go Seek. (That was saved for the group date.) Plus, Sean knows they’ll eventually know, right? I mean, this isn’t The Truman Show. He knows he’s on TV.
Three’s Company, Two’s A Crowd
Emily took Doug, Sean and Chris on her group date, and it only went well for one of them.
Poor Doug. The guy hasn’t come across well since he spoke about himself in the third person rather than kissing Emily back on their first date. I think he banked so hard on the two of them having a single-parent bond that he didn’t bring any other game. I mean, their legs briefly touched and he apologized as though he’d poked her in the eye. That’s pretty bad.
Emily had been planning on getting rid of Doug last week, but she wanted to be sure. All it took was an uncomfortable conversation in some close quarters to seal the deal. Instead of waiting for the rose ceremony, Emily sent Doug home in the rain. Even his painfully awkward, too-little-too-late kiss couldn’t salvage his chances. He even apologized for kissing her when that was the exact opposite lesson she was trying to teach him. Sigh.
Doug parted ways with Emily with an awkward “Have a good one…” and then sobbed in the cab. He’s just a single dad trying to meet the right person, guys! And maybe a single dad trying to make a go at being the next Bachelor? (That would be terrible, but they do love a good sad sack single parent story these days.)
With that, the date became a two-on-one, which seemed to rattle Chris even more. Despite saying he wasn’t going to dwell on his disappointment over not getting a solo date, Chris did just that and spent his alone time with Emily complaining. It didn’t come as a shock when she opted to give the date rose to Sean instead, and the look on Chris’s face was one that could have killed all one million Persian soldiers. (Because he looks like Gerard Butler. In 300. Get it? That one was for my sister’s boyfriend.)
And They Call It Puppet Love
Just when I thought this was a two dog race with Sean and Arie, the dark horse Jef (I’m mixing my animal analogies here) became a real contender. I’m not sure Jef is completely right for Emily, but I’ve gotta say, I kind of like him.
Like every other date this week, Emily and her companion began by walking around Prague. Wouldn’t you? It was gorgeous there. They stopped in a store to buy some marionettes, and I knew Jef was bringing his A-Game when he ran back in to buy one for Ricki. Next they headed to a beautiful library, and acted out a simultaneously creepy, uncomfortable and adorable puppet show.
Had the guy been anyone other than Jef, that puppet show would have been horribly awkward. But he’s so funny and cute! I can’t help but like him. I guess the puppet was something of a security blanket for Jef, because he used it to say “I love you” to Emily. Hey Jef, you know what else is comforting? Having a second “F” in your name. It provides some nice cushioning, consider it.
After Puppet Jef told Puppet Emily that he loved her, Real Jef told Real Emily that he really liked her. Oh. I guess humans don’t move as fast as puppets do. That Pinocchio always did seem like a real Lothario to me.
Emily and Jef laid on the cold, hard floor of the library and made googly eyes at each other, planning out their future together – marriage, kids, some kind of dog/cat hybrid. It was sickeningly sweet. Do you think she might end up with the non-practicing Mormon hipster?
Cocktail party time! And thank god, because Chris has something he really needs to get off his che–PSYCH! No cocktail party tonight, because Emily had already decided which guys she wanted to visit in their hometowns.
That was bad news for Chris, who wanted to apologize for being a total jerk all week. Um, maybe it’s because he was going through cocaine withdrawal? Chris was all jittery and glassy-eyed. Maybe his next reality TV show appearance will be Intervention.
Emily had already given a rose to Sean, and the first two names she called were no-brainers – Jef and Arie. Before she could go on, Chris interrupted so he could get a moment alone with Emily to apologize. Once he’d gotten all that out, I knew he was safe. If Emily had been planning on sending him home, she would have done it then, privately. Instead they went back to the rose ceremony, she gave a rose to Chris, and John was sent packing. I don’t know why he was so surprised, from where I was sitting he was lucky to go as far as he did.
Despite squeaking through this week, I really don’t think Chris has a shot here. I’m guessing Emily’s tears next week have more to do with her not wanting to hurt anyone’s feelings than not knowing who to choose. What do you guys think? Is there an obvious winner here, or is it a tight race between Arie, Sean and Jef?
Tags: Emily Maynard, the bachelorette