This write-up could go one of two ways; I could either deliver short, witty remarks generated by the one or two borderline amusing moments of last night’s episode, resulting in a leisurely read to be enjoyed over morning coffee or I could do my usual – overcompensate for the total lack of anything amusing by writing way too much, causing you to have to read this between actually checking your work emails (WTF) and meetings, or quickly minimizing as your boss walks by confused by the cackles of laughter coming from your cubicle. Hmm…wonder which way this’ll go.
I must admit, if nothing else, Emily has exercised good judgment throughout the show. She has been true to herself, not wasted anyone’s time unnecessarily and sent the right people packing. Yawn.
Let’s start with Prague. Because it really is a wonderful, beautiful city. Shame when I went there I didn’t get to see the gate of locks or the Lennon wall. I did however get to see what vomit looks like flying over a bridge after thinking I could handle just one little shot of Absinthe at the tender age of 22. No doubt, Prague was a good time. Beautiful city indeed.
Of course, we open with Emily strolling through the streets deep in thought, reveling in being back in the ‘olden days’ where burgundy on burgundy was a pleasing colour palate.
While Emily gets settled, the guys walk to some sort of main square and once again stand in a perfectly straight line to meet Chris. Honestly, do they have to stand in a line and does it have to be that far away from Chris? Couldn’t they just stand around in a group and talk? As if this pack of guys walking everywhere together doesn’t attract enough attention with the cameras following them, it’s just so awkward.
The date cards start off on a high note – with Arie snaggin’ the first one on one. Let’s pick up right where we left off, shall we peeps? While Chris is curled up in the fetal position quietly whispering ‘mama, mama’, Arie bounces up, gives his balls a quick shave and off he goes.
This is where it all starts to make sense. As you know, I’ve been questioning the apparel choices Emily has donned for the evening portion of almost every episode. Now, as the worst happens and the poor taste seems to have penetrated into her daytime attire, it becomes crystal clear. Just a suggestion here, but perhaps we should be looking for a producer who isn’t too busy giving hummers in alleyways to show contestants and actually find someone committed to the show who wouldn’t allow these fashion crimes to be committed. Clearly this ‘Cassie’ girl was distracted by something, when she let Emily out in silver scalloped sequined shorts, flat brown boots, and a beige button down that looks pretty close to the kind of shirt I’d be forced to wear at a corporate event. You know, the kind with your company logo that god forbid anyone should order in a size small that sucks the life right out of your skin tone? Get your shit together, people. We have a Barbie to dress!
Emily and Arie explore the city of Prague like any couple would, exclaiming over the architecture and stopping every four seconds to make out. The only thing I was confused about was Arie’s suggestion that they get married in one of the cathedrals. I can already hear Arie’s mother clutching her heart back in Arizona. ‘A Church! Oy, where did I go wrong???’
We interrupt this boring episode for a public service announcement from Chris Harrison, which judging from the dangerously wet driveway, looks like they actually took time to film back at the original LA house.
In a nutshell, this is what Chris was trying to communicate;
“Hi. I’m Chris Harrison. We know this season isn’t exactly filled with excitement and ratings are in the toilet, so we decided to create some drama out of nothing. You may have read in some of the stories we’ve been planting in gossip magazines over the past few weeks, that about ten years ago, one of our producers gave a handie to a current contestant. We decided to exploit this, even though our producer Cassie and Arie were both on E at the time and remember dry humping a faux fur area rug in the chill out room at the rave more than they remember each other. When Emily found out about this, she acted like a typical girl, dropping the F bomb more than her mama would probably like her to, getting really jealous and using her pathetic detective skills to determine if Arie would come clean to her, by telling him that the most important things in a relationship are 1) being open and honest with no secrets and 2) wait for it – not having secrets and being honest and open. In the end, Emily realized that she’s way hotter than Cassie to even be concerned and we garnered just enough attention with this story to boost ratings a bit. Mission accomplished. And now back to Emily and Arie’s date, where we can pretend this entire thing never happened.”
As the lovebirds smooch their way to ecstasy, and he surprisingly drops the L bomb at least an episode too early, back at the house, Detective Doug has decided that ‘almost for sure they’re having dinner somewhere cool right now.’ Is this guy for real?
The date ends with literal and figurative fireworks and onwards we go.
Can I just skip John’s date? Pretty, please? Really what is there to say? He wore a sweatshirt with a collar and some sort of chino pant. He couldn’t fit the lock on the gate – definitely a bad omen – and once again, he gets shafted with the dinner date by being banished to yet another eerily quiet location where the awkward silences are magnified by the echoing walls. We find out he had his heart broken, which explains his reserved approach to opening up to Emily and that his ex girlfriend may have been the original West Virginia hood-rat, judging by the fact that she disappeared for three days and the first place he called was a prison. Who even knows how to call a prison???
Back at the house, Chris and his Toms are literally disintegrating before our eyes. If I were the other guys, I’d probably keep him away from those balconies and windows in his state. Either he is holding in a pee or he has literally transformed into a bobblehead.
With Chris on the verge of a meltdown, I don’t blame Sean for trying to escape for a few minutes and go find Emily. I sort of find it hard to believe that he just ran all over the city of Prague with absolutely no idea where to find Emily and then just happened to turn down the right alley and discover her alone. But, whatever, it was romantic. Good on Sean for creating his own one-on-one date. If Chris could stop twitching for a minute, maybe he would have thought of that.
I have to admit, though I do love Arie’s confidence and he is by far the best kisser on the show, Sean is creeping up on me and at the end of the day I do picture Emily with him way more than I picture her with Arie. His smile is ridiculously hot, he says sexy things sometimes and he is definitely a man in charge. Their midnight coffee date was very cute and while their kisses at the table kind of reminded me of when Disney characters kiss in a movie and their faces don’t move, once they finished up their drinks he certainly took charge. Thank goodness for dark streets and sturdy walls! Sweet dreams indeed.
The next day, the boys get up for their group date and as they frolic over to Emily with their umbrellas, you can just tell it’s gonna be awkward. Right off the bat, Doug tries to make a toast in the thirteenth century castle and the other guys cut him off. Then when he has his one on one time he freaks out for accidentally touching her leg. Poor Doug. He’s a sweetheart, good-looking and is clearly a wonderful, devoted dad. But the guy has no clue. His pathetic attempt to sweep her off her feet by throwing a random kiss her way almost as if it was involuntary totally backfired. I’m sorry Doug. Yes girls do need to be respected, but we also need to be wanted and fought for. I do hope you find someone. You really do deserve it. But you better not be an upcoming Bachelor.
And then there were two. Just to kick Chris when he’s down, the poor guy can’t even score the right key to unlock the ‘secret room’ for one on one time (dramatic much), so he has to wait yet again, while Sean and Emily leave their marks all over the dungeon. By the time he does get to hook up with her for a minute, he is sweating profusely and on the verge of a full nervous breakdown, so it’s no surprise that the first chance he gets he blurts out the wrong thing – ‘I’m a little upset with you’. Have we not learned, people? The cardinal rule of Bachelor one on one time is never show your true jealous feelings or insecurities about other contestants. Use your three minutes to its fullest!
The next morning, Emily greets the gang to pick Jef up and Sean looks delicious in his tight v-neck t-shirt and baggy sweatpants. Emily on the other hand, looks a bit ridiculous in her all black ensemble and frilly Pocahontas ankle booties. Once again, the night time stylist has escaped from her coffin and emerged into the daylight and I have to shield my eyes to avoid looking directly at Emily – at least there aren’t any sequins.
I actually enjoyed Jef’s date more than any others this week. First of all, after being awkwardly forced into the store by the shop-owner, who knew he was a master marioneteer? I mean seriously, the moonwalk? And the puppet purchase for Ricki was an obvious nice touch. Though there is pretty much no chance of Jef being her final pick and I’m pretty sure he will be knocked out right after Chris, there was something very easy and fun about their date. I mean, who spends an entire day in a library unless they’re studying?
The puppet show they put on in order to express their true feeling (him: I love you; her: I’ll never change my nail polish) was actually adorable and I’m pretty sure I smiled through the whole thing. The performance certainly gave new meaning to the term ‘I’ve got wood’ and he definitely scored points with the whole ‘can we get a dog together?’ She however, definitely lost a few when she mentioned she preferred a cat (I’m sorry but just Ew.)
I was a little confused about Jef’s impending hometown date where he informs us that his parents are ‘committed to some stuff down in South Carolina’. Um…committed as in insane asylum? Committed as in behind bars? Or the more likely, his parents are billionaires and don’t really want to be seen on this trashy show. If that’s the case, he may want to make that clear because in some recent magazines I’ve read, turns out Emily’s not as sweet as we’d like to believe her to be and she has a certain penchant for the finer things in life. Couldn’t hurt. In any case, I do really like Jef and even though their kisses sound like a small child eating an overripe banana, it will be sad to see her break his heart during fantasy date week.
Finally, blissfully, it’s time for the cocktail party. Emily enters in her star spangled nightgown and decides she knows where her head’s at and doesn’t need a rose ceremony. While the guys wait around for the blinding flash of sequins to arrive, for some reason, Jon decides now is finally the time to start speaking and proceeds to shove his foot in his mouth in an embarrassing display of over confidence. Dude, you did not knock anything out of anything. I’m pretty sure Emily would have kept Chris around regardless of his heart-wrenching speech and the fact that he looked like an alcoholic three days into withdrawal. The whole rose ceremony was a bit too fraught with emotion for my taste. I mean, I get that it’s tense but do you really need to be playing the soundtrack to Schindler’s List in the background?
Next week, Emily gets to meet the families behind the men and of course it becomes very real. I was a bit confused about the preview for next week. Usually it shows at least a few snippets of the crazy families, etc., but the editing this time around was just plain weird. A car zooming around a race-track, Sean running to a car and then just Emily crying. Weird, no?
Looking forward to it regardless. Nothing like a bitter single sister or a mom insistent on showing baptism pictures and saying an awkward round of grace before a meal to shake things up. Till next week!
Tags: Emily Maynard, the bachelorette