Welcome back to everyone’s favorite drunken mess of a column. Tonight, we’re both hammered! Clearly there will be no ill effects.
AJ faces Layla in a non-title match, and loses thanks to a Daniel Bryan distraction. He calls out Vickie Guerrero and demands that AJ is banned from ringside during his title match at Money in the Bank. Vickie informs him that there was a poll online and apparently, thanks to the WWE Universe, AJ’s role will be that of Special Referee!
Kelly: Hello boys and girls! Welcome to your favorite Pulse recap.
Mike: Now with 200% more alcohol per commercial break. Because I’m drinking heavily.
Kelly: As am I, good sir. And I may need more, because is Layla really using Tiffany’s obnoxious theme now??
Mike: Yup. But who cares? AJ is in a segment that DOESN’T involve the WWE Championship.
Kelly: I care. I care very much. That song gives me the shakes.
Mike: Piped-in cheers FTW.
Kelly: AJ is so spastic. I like her better when she’s skipping.
Mike: Things start off quite interesting. I think they’re actually being allowed to wrestle tonight.
Kelly: It seems like a real match. For starters, it’s lasted longer than fourteen seconds.
Mike: Trading holds….am I really seeing this? Or is there too much alcohol involved?
Kelly: Weird. Daniel Bryan bounces around the ring chanting “YES!” which allows Layla to win it.
Mike: Payback is a Bryan.
Kelly: He calls for Vickie. This will not end well for your girlfriend…or my ears.
Kelly: The two are in the midst of a Yes!-off when Vickie finally appears.
Mike: I could make a sick joke about how I see AJ screaming “Yes!” in a different situation, but I’m way too classy for that.
Mike: Vickie tells Bryan that his catch phrase is annoying…then proceeds to shout “Excuse me!” at the top of her lungs. Ah, the simplest form of irony.
Kelly: I can just picture a bunch of fans muttering, “I see what you did there…” He goes on to butter her up and demand that AJ is banned from ringside at MitB.
Mike: I would have made her the special referee.
Kelly: …AJ is NOT going to referee, is she?
Mike: And 76% of the vote goes to…Special FUCKING Referee! Am I a god, or what?
Kelly: I’m so glad I’ll be out of town for that PPV. At first I was sad. Not anymore!
Mike: Bryan gets the crowd to chant “Yes!” by shouting “No.” Brilliant.
MitB Qualifying Match: Zack Ryder vs Damien Sandow
Kelly: Oh, we get qualifying matches for Money in the Bank tonight. Those are always painfully obvious, so this should be…something.
Mike: First qualifying match for Money in the Bank…Ryder vs Sandow!
Kelly: Who do you think will win it?
Kelly: I agree.
Mike: Booker just told Sandow to stop idolizing The Genius! I didn’t think they’d actually acknowledge the connection.
Kelly: Sandow’s momentum is slowed when Ryder throws a couple small reversals.
Mike: Broski Boot connects! Knocks the beard right off Damien’s face!
Kelly: Rough Ryder attempt fails hard, Sandow wins it.
Mike: I’m 1-for-1 tonight!
Kelly: Hey, I am too!
Mike: Daniel Bryan pounds on AJ’s door. Kaitlyn answers and tells Bryan off. Good for her.
Kelly: Please don’t say anything more about pounding.
MitB Qualifying Match: Tyson Kidd vs Jack Swagger
Kelly: Did you know that John Cena granted his 300th wish? Man. If only they had shown that video package a dozen times before tonight.
Mike: Hey, it’s Tyson Kidd!
Kelly: I still don’t recognize him with hair.
Mike: You know, despite the jobber intro, I think Kidd wins this one.
Kelly: I thought this would be another easy victory for his opponent, but the announcers’ hype about breaking away from the Hart name makes me think you may be right.
Mike: Jumping on my bandwagon, eh?
Kelly: Yeah. Totally. You betcha.
Mike: Booker T makes some inane reference to butterflies flying in formation. Oooookay.
Kelly: After a hell of a rally for Kidd, Swagger nearly locks in the Ankle Lock, buttt…nope!
Mike: This reminds me of Swagger’s matches with Evan Bourne.
Kelly: I’m in shock. They let Kidd win one! And he’s going to be on a PPV?
Mike: The last graduate of the Hart Family Dungeon gets a push!
MitB Qualifying Match: Christian and Santino Marella vs Cody Rhodes and David Otunga
Kelly: Vickie and Dolph are backstage bickering.
Mike: Dolph wants her to ban his opponent’s finishers.
Kelly: He screams in her face and she slaps him like a good bitch.
Mike: Ooh, a MitB TAG TEAM MATCH!
Kelly: Christian and Santino are out first…I’m going to go out on a limb and say that they’ll be the big winners…
Mike: I think so too.
Kelly: Oh…but…Otunga is definitely a contender, considering the fellatio he has perfected.
Mike: On his fiancee?
Mike: Still think Christian and Santino win? I mean, they’re both midcard champs. Do they need to be in the ladder match?
Kelly: Cody’s been losing some steam lately. The only game-changer is Otunga. But I stand by my choice.
Mike: Good. Because so do I.
Kelly: Cody and Christian start it off, but Otunga tags in quickly.
Mike: Cody has Christian trapped in the center of the ring with a choke.
Kelly: Christian crawls away and Santino roars through the ring.
Mike: Are you sure it’s not “hissing”?
Kelly: I’m not one for puns.
Mike: Or fun, for that matter.
Kelly: Is that what you consider fun? Then no, I’m not one for fun. Anywho. Christian is working on making a Cody-sized hole in the mat when Otunga strikes, turning the tables.
Mike: Christian spears Otunga after mass confusion and we have our winners!
Kelly: So far, you and I are flawless.
Mike: I was like that already. Hey, it’s the Big Felluh!
Kelly: Nice little slice on his nose, too.
Mike: Did…did he just make a joke about Lindsay Lohan with Matt Striker?
Kelly: He really did.
Daniel Bryan tries to butter up AJ backstage, but she’s not having it. Ryback destroys two more jobbers, and Teddy Long confronts Antonio Cesaro and Aksana backstage.
Kelly: AJ is being her usual ridiculous self backstage, and Daniel Bryan is laying down some sugary game.
Kelly: Two jobbers in the ring. Ryback enters. He wins. I just saved you all a bunch of time.
Mike: My DVR didn’t even get that far yet!
Kelly: Mine either. The match just started. But tell me I’m going to be wrong.
Mike: Let’s just talk about how adorable AJ is as a psychopath.
Kelly: I don’t know about that. But I can say how much I love that whole angle.
Mike: I love all of her angles.
Kelly: Oh boy. Speaking of dumb skanks, Aksana is making out with Antonio when Teddy walks up.
Mike: Payback is a Teddy.
Kelly: Deja vu.
Mike: Teddy says he’ll be in charge next week and that he’s not bitter about Aksana leaving him…so he puts her and Antonio in a mixed tag next week against Layla and Khali!
Kelly: That’s going to be brutal.
Mike: For the viewers.
MitB Qualifying Match: Tensai vs Justin Gabriel
Kelly: J-Gabe lives! Oh, but not for long. As Tensai marches his gigantic ass out.
Mike: I call a Tensai win.
Kelly: I’m going with Justin, just so that we don’t agree on EVERYTHING tonight.
Mike: Expect a loss, love.
Kelly: Don’t care.
Mike: Of the two wrestlers in this match, only Gabriel has any merit. Why they insist on pushing Albert, I have no idea.
Kelly: That’s kind of why I chose J-Gabe. It seemed ridiculous that A-Train would lose to someone like him, but why the hell would they put him in a MitB match? That seems crazier.
Mike: And I am 4-for-4.
Kelly: You go, girl.
World Heavyweight Championship Triple Threat Match: Sheamus vs Alberto del Rio vs Dolph Ziggler
Kelly: I want to make Lillian my wife.
Mike: Kinky. I love that smug look on Rodriguez’s face.
Kelly: Oh. It’s main event time. Okay.
Mike: Half an hour left? This should be good.
Kelly: Here’s hoping. Alberto’s done, and Dolph is out next.
Mike: The last couple of weeks have been pretty good.
Kelly: Del Rio has Sheamus in the corner, and before you know it, he’s chasing Dolph around the ring.
Mike: Meanwhile, Cole bitches about how unfair it is that del Rio never got his one-on-one. Maybe Alberto shouldn’t bitch about his standing in the company so often and he might actually get it.
Kelly: Apples and oranges, amigo, but I don’t blame you for saying so.
Mike: The heels go at it as the company tests the waters with the fans in terms of Ziggler’s possible face turn.
Kelly: Del Rio tumbles HARD from the top rope thanks to Ziggles, who is then dropped hard on the mat by Sheamus.
Mike: Del Rio keeps Sheamus down and out while he works on Ziggler.
Kelly: Ziggles and del Rio are working together to tear the champ apart outside the ring. And over the announce table he goes!
Mike: The beating continues…..that is, until Sheamus powers up to Super Saiyan, his hair goes blonde, his power level hits OVER 9,000(!!!) and he beats both men.
Kelly: Must’ve had his spinach.
Mike: Did you really make a Popeye reference?! Anyway, Brogue Kick stopped by an armbar!
Kelly: Cross arm breaker avoided, but Dolph throws in his two cents as Sheamus dangles.
Mike: Both heels attack the arm! Cross arm breaker applied! Ziggler saves and hits the FameAsser!
Kelly: Brogue Kick to Dolph’s face, del Rio thrown out and Sheamus is still your champion. Boom.
Mike: Nice finish. That was quite frantic.
Kelly: Absolutely. I liked it!
Mike: Final thoughts?
Kelly: You know, the qualifying matches weren’t as brutal as they have been in the past. Mildly enjoyable, even though they all lacked surprise.
Mike: I’m interested in seeing the outcome of the ladder match, though it seems obvious who the winner will be.
Kelly: Who do you think will win it?
Mike: Cody Rhodes. He’ll qualify next week, obviously.
Kelly: I hope so. He sure is neat.
Kelly: You heard me. Or, saw. Or, whatever.
Mike: Well folks, join us next Tuesday for another live edition of Smackdown! It’s the Great American Bash, which apparently is the new Clash of Champions, seeing as how it’s supposed to be PPV quality on cable.
Kelly: Yeah, should definitely be…something. But, we’ll be there to offer the opinion that no one asked for.
Mike: I wonder if the WWE can break the streak of crap that has been Tuesday night Smackdown. I’m starting to dread them like a three-hour Raw.
Kelly: Fingers crossed, folks.
Mike: So long….
Kelly: And thanks for all the fish.
Tags: aj lee, aksana, alberto del rio, Antonio Cesaro, Booker T, christian, Cody Rhodes, Damien Sandow, David Otunga, Dolph Ziggler, jack swagger, john cena, Justin Gabriel, Kaitlyn, Kelly Floyd, Layla, Lillian Garcia, Matt Striker, Mike Gojira, money in the bank, Ricardo Rodriguez, ryback, Santino Marella, sheamus, Smackdown, Teddy Long, Tensai, tiffany, Tyson Kidd, Vickie Guerrero, World Heavyweight Championship, WWE, zack ryder