We’re coming to you on a late Tuesday night to bring you the Great American Bash…on Smackdown?!
The show opens with a backstage barbecue. Insert corny WWE slapstick here. Alberto del Rio heads to the ring and insults the crowd until Sheamus shows up and gets double-teamed by Ricardo and del Rio.
Mike: Welcome to another special live edition of Smackdown on Tuesday!
Kelly: And we’re kicking this off right…with Kaitlyn in a bikini!
Mike: She is just about to fall out of that outfit.
Kelly: Here’s hoping. Teddy Long tells the Z-Listers to go ahead and make a mess, since he has someone who has volunteered to clean it up…Eve, in a horrendous maid outfit and name tag.
Mike: Santino attempts to light the barbecue…but Kane arrives and uses his pyro to do it. Dear god.
Kelly: Could have been worse. Watching the intro, I have a random ass question…did Wade Barrett die?
Mike: No. Just very badly burned.
Kelly: Same thing. Shit, I just remembered I missed Raw last night. This week can bite me.
Mike: AJ threatened to throw herself through a table because Punk and Bryan were ignoring her.
Kelly: Sounds like every girl I went to high school with.
Mike: Del Rio is opening the show tonight.
Kelly: I’m okay with this.
Mike: It’s a shame they’ve waited months just to feed him to Sheamus anyway.
Kelly: Yeah, but they seem to be making it worth my while. For now.
Mike: Del Rio is basically shitting on the illegal immigrants in the crowd, asking people to show him their papers! Hilarious!
Kelly: Ha, I actually think that’s funny. But living in Arizona, people expect me to laugh at that. Well, speaking of which, a fan just said, “This is not Arizona!” I’m offended.
Mike: The guy he called out for not having his papers just made fun of your state. I approve this message.
Kelly: I’d like to take this moment to say…we’re not all like that! Well, there’s a nifty fight breaking out.
Mike: Sheamus gets double-teamed thanks to Ricardo and now del Rio slams the champ’s head into the hood of his car!
Kelly: Not a bad way to kick off this PPV-turned-shitty-John-Cena-show. Blood!
Mike: Sheamus has an itty-bitty cut. Awwwww.
Antonio Cesaro and Aksana vs The Great Khali and Layla
Kelly: Layla has to be the best actress in the world. She looks excited to be teaming with Khali.
Mike: Who are you kidding? She’s the Divas’ Champion and she gets less screen time than AJ. She’d better be excited for this opportunity.
Kelly: Another reason I hate AJ. But anyway. I get the feeling something ultra STUPID is going to happen before the match is over.
Mike: Other than Layla pinning Aksana, I don’t see anything else happening.
Kelly: Boom. It happened.
Mike: There you go.
Kelly: I hate her song. It makes me want to punch babies.
Mike: Cody tells Teddy that he gets another qualifying match tonight. Unfortunately for him, Teddy has chosen his opponent: Christian!
Kelly: Aw, Teddy dug up his old backbone.
MitB Qualifying Match: Cody Rhodes vs Christian
Kelly: And here’s the favorite I always forget about, Cody Rhodes.
Mike: Fun fact: Mick Foley’s favorite Raw moment was the night everyone changed the channel to watch him win the WWE Championship.
Kelly: What a monstrous feather in his cap. I get excited when someone likes my status on Facebook.
Mike: How sad.
Mike: Anyway….all Rhodes has to do is win against Christian and he’s in like Flynn.
Kelly: Christian is getting fired up…nope, he’s slammed onto the mat. Hard.
Mike: I’m calling it now. Cody Rhodes wins Money in the Bank, bitches.
Kelly: I really wouldn’t be surprised. I love that lisping bastard.
Mike: It’s pronounced “lithping.”
Kelly: So cruel to put that rude “s” in there. Anywho, Christian is like, kicking Cody’s ass and stuff. He signals for a Spear, but nope.
Mike: Beautiful Disaster avoided…Killswitch reversed into CrossRhodes!
Kelly: And Cody is going to the MitB match.
Mike: More backstage shenanigans. Zack Ryder wants to DJ the party, but Heath Slater interrupts.
Kelly: And Brodus Clay dances. Yawn.
MitB Qualifying Match: Alex Riley vs Dolph Ziggler
Kelly: Holy shit, Alex Riley still exists?
Mike: Yeah, and he’s about to job to Dolph.
Mike: Dolph Hard With A Vengeance.
Mike: Hmmm…I might have to retract my earlier statement about who might win this year.
Kelly: I feel like that’s just too obvious.
Mike: Well, Ziggler moves on.
Kelly: Oh shit. I forgot to fall over in shock.
Mike: Sarcasm. Love it.
Michael Cole interviews AJ in the ring, but it’s interrupted by Daniel Bryan and CM Punk. They both accuse one another of using AJ, so she makes out with both of them.
Kelly: Cole in the ring. Tuning out. AJ in the ring. Tuning out harder.
Mike: Something’s harder.
Kelly: Did she eat a flower on Raw?
Mike: No, she spit it out. She’s a spitter, not a swallower.
Kelly: Atta girl.
Mike: So after that recap of Raw, what do you think?
Kelly: That. Was. Awesome.
Mike: There was an hour and forty-five minutes of crap to filter through last night.
Kelly: I really like how they pieced everything together, though. And loved the kiss before shoving Punk onto the table!
Mike: Cole is asking for a whooping.
Kelly: He has date-rape eyes right now.
Mike: He’s hitting on her…and yet, he’s made reference to his wife on quite a few occasions.
Kelly: That’s the biz, ladies and gentlemen!
Mike: Daniel Bryan to the rescue!
Kelly: Here to kiss some more ass.
Mike: He actually forgives her for not realizing he went through the table?! Ha.
Kelly: CM Punk wants to chat, too.
Mike: He kicks Cole out of the ring to a nice pop.
Kelly: He refuses to forget, and refuses to suck up. He says he’s worried about her…
Mike: And Bryan tells him he’s full of shit.
Kelly: Whoa. AJ plants a big ol’ smooch on Bryan right in front of Punk. That can’t be good.
Mike: And now it’s Punk’s turn!
Kelly: That was pretty hot.
Mike: I wonder how Lita feels about that kiss.
Santino Marella, Sergeant Slaughter, and “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan vs Hunico, Camacho, and Drew McIntyre
Mike: And we’re back! I’m still recovering from what just happened. In my pants.
Kelly: I have to admit…I’ve got a bit of a hard-on, as well.
Mike: I could be REALLY disgusting right now, but I shall refrain.
Kelly: Knew it. Slaughter and Hacksaw. When I can predict it, it’s waaay too obvious.
Mike: Cole calls Duggan an American icon. You know, when he wasn’t a heel in Team Canada.
Kelly: Well, the two fossils team up with Santino against my man Hunico, Camacho, and Drew McIntyre. Should be like pulling off a bandaid. Quick, and hurts more than people tell you it will.
Mike: Aaaaand, that’s all she wrote. Santino with the win.
Mike: Sandow interrupts the party backstage. What a Buzz Killington.
Kelly: He jumps on Ryder, who retaliates with a punch bowl…that douses Eve.
Mike: A wet Eve makes a happy Mike.
Kelly: You’re worse than Lawler.
Ryback vs Curt Hawkins
Kelly: Aw, Ryback graduated up to barely-employed WWE Superstars.
Mike: Just one, actually.
Mike: Hawkins actually managed to evade the big man for a moment.
Kelly: This is what I wanted.
Mike: I bet next week we get a match against Tyler Reks, and after that both men lose.
Kelly: Maybe. All I know is I’m glad they’re showing what happened between del Rio and Sheamus. After watching it live, and then the recap, it got a little hazy.
Mike: I hear ya. Wait, who’s del Rio again? I think I need another recap.
Kelly: Battle Royale time!
Mike: Sheamus is out of the match thanks to del Rio, and the winner will be guest GM next week on Smackdown.
Kelly: Del Rio is out first.
Mike: Blah blah John Cena blah blah commercial.
Kelly: Alright, I see a ginger, some jorts, pink and purple ring gear, some tall dudes, very bright hair…and a fat, dancing buffoon being thrown out of the ring.
Mike: Brodus and Gabriel are out. I love seeing Ricardo on the outside, trying to keep del Rio in.
Kelly: Bye bye, Khali. You know Cena’s got this.
Mike: That would require him to show up to a taped Smackdown next week. Not likely. I’m calling a Smackdown star.
Kelly: Sandow and Rhodes and Kingston and…one other person who I already forgot are out.
Mike: Big Show is destroying everybody.
Kelly: Punk and Bryan are tossed out together. How cute.
Mike: Kane and Big Show are the only two on their feet.
Kelly: Show goes for the Choke Slam, Kane offers one right back…Kane wins.
Mike: The choke slam battle, you mean; not the match.
Kelly: Duh. I don’t space out THAT much. Super-Cena attacks.
Mike: Cena tosses del Rio and Tensai! Big Show just eliminated Cena!
Kelly: Well I’ll be damned. Christian is next, Dolph has the Sleeper on Show, and Kane disposes of them both.
Mike: Kane and Ryder are left!
Kelly: Kane is absolutely embarrassing Ryder.
Mike: Broski Boot!
Kelly: As I blink, Kane is eliminated and Ryder is the victor!
Mike: I suspect he’ll call the show Zackdown next week.
Kelly: Holy. God.
Mike: If he does mention that at some point next week, what do I win?
Kelly: A lifetime subscription to Inside Pulse Wrestling.
Mike: But…that’s free.
Kelly: Um. A high five.
Mike: You suck.
Mike: Final thoughts?
Kelly: Not as bad as I was fearing.
Mike: Why is it that they assume no one will watch a live Smackdown and then just throw shit at the wall to see what sticks?
Kelly: Because it’s not Raw.
Mike: I think the last Smackdown I was truly excited for that aired live was Bryan vs Henry in a steel cage.
Kelly: And mine was…uh…
Mike: The correct answer is “every Smackdown, because I get to recap it with you.”
Kelly: I don’t like to lie to the readers, Goji.
Kelly: No, it’s plural. You and I both read them, yes?
Mike: ……about that….
Kelly: Aw fuck.
Mike: So long…
Kelly: And thanks for all the fish.
Tags: aj lee, aksana, alberto del rio, Alex Riley, Antonio Cesaro, Battle Royal, big show, brodus clay, Camacho, christian, cm punk, Cody Rhodes, curt hawkins, Damien Sandow, Daniel Bryan, Dolph Ziggler, Drew McIntyre, Eve, Great Khali, Hacksaw Jim Duggan, Heath Slater, hunico, Jerry Lawler, john cena, Justin Gabriel, Kaitlyn, kane, Kofi Kingston, Layla, Lita, Michael Cole, Mick Foley, monday night raw, money in the bank, Ricardo Rodriguez, ryback, Santino Marella, sergeant slaughter, sheamus, Teddy Long, Tensai, Tyler Reks, Wade Barrett, WWE, zack ryder