I have to admit, last night, I wasn’t really in the mood for this. After an amazing long weekend with the ups of my son seeing his first fireworks show at the cottage, to the downs of hearing of Tom and Katie’s split (didn’t see that one coming a mile – or should I say a galaxy – away), my case of the Mondays and the reality of heading back to the grind had set in. Not to mention the most devastating news of all – I’m out of wine and the liquor store is closed. Dammit!
But, like the big girl I am, I pushed that aside and watched Emily narrow it down to the best final three picks in this show’s history. You have to admit, though the episode itself wasn’t all that thrilling (shocker), she has managed to put herself in a situation where really, she can’t go wrong.
We certainly got an earful from Emily as she analyzed the final four to death before the hometowns started. And then there was Sean. But then there’s Chris. And then there’s Jef. But then there was Kill Me Now. Seeing her go back and forth from that black tank top to her casual ‘coming home to Ricki’ look was like watching the juxtaposition of good versus evil judging by the dramatic changes in her skin colour. Totally loved her cardigan, but there’s something about her in skulls and combat boots that I just don’t buy. B+ for the daytime stylist.
Funny that as we flashed back to Chris, I realized that he was the guy from night one who brought the bobbleheads. What are the chances??? I have said many times before that he actually seems like a human bobblehead and I am constantly wondering if at any given moment his head is just going to wobble right off his neck and roll to the nearest Polish restaurant. So this really begs the all-important question. What came first, the chicken or the bobblehead?
So let’s begin, shall we? We start the festivities off in Chicago where Chris drops the bomb that on a scale of one to Polish, he’s Polish. Poor naïve little Emily thinks Chris knows all the Chicago hot spots to take her to when they arrive at the wood paneled, empty Polish restaurant where they of course take three sips of beer and head out after not touching any of the food in front of them.
They head over to Chris’s house where Chris’s mom literally hugs Emily for an hour and then they all sit down to eat dinner like it’s Thanksgiving on a sit-com on one side of the table. The dinner conversation seems to be going alright. Emily opens up about her deep-seeded insecurity, such as whether or not Chris would still like her on their first date when her harness didn’t match her outfit. I’m sure his family was impressed.
Finally, Chris’s dad gets some one on one time with Emily – actually more than I think Chris has had up until now and this is where the language barrier really sets in. I thought things were going okay up until this point, but something obviously got lost in translation. From what I remember, his dad asked ‘if there was some love there’, and Emily conceded, albeit reluctantly that yes, there was love. Fast forward ten minutes later, and Chris’s dad is telling Chris that Emily has admitted that she’s in love with him. Um, way to give your son false hope. And the sad thing is it was all Chris needed to take that final step and tell Emily he loves her. I’m surprised her lips were able to catch his for their ‘first kiss’ on his driveway right before the Polish dancing extravaganza. She probably still has a neck cramp.
Moving onto greener, richer, funner (yes I know that’s not a word), happier pastures. Holy Freakin’ Utah! I have to admit, I am totally intrigued by the beauty and wonder of Utah and even more so intrigued by the Holmstead Ranch (just in case you guys didn’t get the reference, Jef’s last name is Holm). So either Jef’s family is loaded or they happen to live in one of those places like you see on House Hunters, where Americans can buy a 4500 square foot house for $8.99. Either way, his parents who I’ve discovered are actually busy being missionaries in South Carolina are not to be found and so his 47 siblings take one for the team.
Right away, the date is about a thousand times more fun than Chris’s. Emily looks totally adorable in her dress and boots – perfect for her surroundings and they jet off in the most awesome looking dune buggy ever. Yet again, new sides of Jef flying all out over the place. I think Emily summed it up pretty well, when she commented on Jef’s skinny jeans and him being a little bit more country than he might want people to know. When they stopped for a little pre-lunch shooting, even I wanted a piece of Emily when she managed to hit every target perfectly. Of course she takes shooting lessons! A Hood-Rat needs to maintain her skill level, no? And when he brought his very own hand job blanket (good thing too, since he was practically manually pleasuring her the whole time they were sitting there)…well if that’s not love, what is?
So off we go to the sprawling beautiful ranch to meet the fam. I’m just going to throw my ignorance on the table here. I don’t know what I expected Mormons to look like or dress like, considering I don’t know any personally – in fact I don’t even know if we have any in Canada at all, but I certainly didn’t expect the wives to have longer extensions than Emily, not to mention highlights and lowlights and I also didn’t expect them all to say ‘like’ as much as Jef does. Maybe it’s a religious thing.
The family was absolutely lovely and I could totally see Emily fitting right in with them. She answered their questions pretty well – then again, it’s not hard to admit you’re totally open to uprooting yourself for love, when you’ve never worked a day in your life and your dead fiancée’s in laws pay for everything. Wonder how quickly she’ll be cut off when she moves their grand-daughter away. Of course, when Jef’s niece came over to Emily and crawled onto her lap, I actually teared up a bit (what is wrong with me?) so I was thrilled to hear Jef’s sister’s verdict that his bible thumping parents would love her.
Clearly being home with his family and seeing how well Emily interacted with them has boosted Jef’s confidence. After the family visit he was totally in charge, stopping to kiss her and definitely making the most of their time together. I thought the letter was totally cheesy and the actual statements at the beginning of it really could have been said to anyone, from anyone. But watching Emily react while he recited the letter to her really got me chocked up. As soon as he started talking about being Ricki’s dad and teaching her sports, she just closed her eyes and took it in and you could just feel the hope oozing out of her. Friggin’ adorable. Well done, Jef. Well done indeed.
Okay, round three. Off to the races we go. Did Arie look ‘stupid hot’ in his racing outfit even though it had shoulder pads? I guess. Was it super annoying that Emily had to put on the outfit and leave it undone to the waist so she could make her sexy entrance in slow motion? Very.
I’m not quite sure why Emily thought she should be wearing an unforgivingly tight pencil dress with full heels to walk in a park but let’s just blame her night time stylist for that move. It was pretty awkward watching her try to get comfortable in her outfit while Arie lost ten pounds sweating in the park. He preps her for his family somewhat and off they go to his house, where she is received with a warm round of…hand-shakes? What is this, a tribunal?
I didn’t expect Arie’s family visit to be how it was. From the leather sofa that was his mom’s over-tanned chest, to his wanna-Beiber twin brothers, to his borderline creepy dad who he clearly gets his swag from but is also a bit uncomfortable to be around, it was just kind of icky from the get-go. And then there was the Dutch. Oh, the Dutch. Once again, going out on a limb here by saying that I actually have a hard time stomaching most European languages and accents. Is that really bad? Don’t get me wrong – this girl digs an accent. Show me an Australian, a South African, a Central American, someone Spanish and you’ve got yourself a par-TAY, but I can think of nothing worse than sitting there like Emily, not understanding a word of what is no doubt being said about me, having to listen to a language that is a cross between vintage Muppets and the sound of people choking. I would actually be holding back vomit.
Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on how you’re looking at it), Emily and Arie’s mom escape from the rest of them to have a little one on one. Not exactly sure why she needed to take Emily to her bedroom –judging by the sexual innuendo peppered throughout their dinner conversation, those are one set of sheets I would not want to be sitting on. His genius mother observes that normally when you get engaged you don’t end up on the show as The Bachelorette, but I think Emily did a pretty good job answering her questions and somehow, though his mom’s lips weren’t really capable of moving, she seemed happy with the idea of Emily and her son being together. Clearly Arie’s confidence is at an all time high as he informs us that he is going to marry Emily. Tsk, tsk, tsk. Haven’t any of these guys learned? I still shudder at the thought of Ben confidently telling the world how excited he was to propose to Ashley and marry her and have his dad’s blessing from heaven, only to be dumped on his ass in front of the world one minute later.
The date ended with a surprising twist – I have to say I’m pretty used to seeing awkward kisses by now on this show, and I think I’ve learned how to process them. But nothing really prepared me for the awkward kiss between Arie and his dad. Shudder.
Finally, it’s Sean’s turn. When I saw him in the park with his two doggies, I thought surely we had saved the best for last. Clearly Emily was excited to see Sean, as her veneers were literally leaping off her face. I was just about to settle in to enjoy their date and watch the romance unfold when all of a sudden the grossest kiss ever leapt across the screen. I think Sean’s tongue exited his mouth a full two minutes prior to the rest of his lips meeting hers – honestly did he learn how to kiss from his dogs??? Watching that kiss was like watching the worst car accident of all time.
After I finally stopped twitching, I could focus on meeting Sean’s family – yet another beautiful, massive home to gawk at. Seriously how many different seating areas does one backyard need?
Don’t even get me started on that adorable ‘cottage’ built just for little Kensington. Are you kidding me? I could live in that quite happily! Looks like Kensington wasn’t too thrilled with the idea of showing it to Emily though. ..did anyone else notice the cut eye she was giving when they kindly suggested that she ‘wanted’ to show it to Emily?
I LOL’d my way through the whole ‘I still live at home’ thing. At first, I was laughing because Emily was trying to smile through it and find yet another silver lining. Then once we got to the room and met ‘Whiskers’ and I saw the potato chip crumbs and half eaten cookie, I realized it was a joke. Who goes away for nine weeks and doesn’t clean up a cookie? Nice one, Sean.
During Emily’s one-on-one time with Sean’s dad, I couldn’t help but feel that his dad had a bit of jazz hands syndrome and I practically needed a Southern charm translator to get me through the conversation. I don’t think I’ve ever heard anything so polite in my life!
Despite the fact that I was still reeling from their last kiss, that one where Sean lightly jogged right after the car (without breaking a sweat because he makes it look so damn easy) was pretty cute. And bonus that we didn’t actually have to see them doing it.
Onto the rose ceremony where surprise, surprise, Emily’s dress is brutal and this time she has the pageant hair to match! That ain’t no forehead – that’s at least a fivehead! Even as she gives Chris the boot and his head is spinning out of control with anger, she tries her very best to say the right thing and ease him out. I mean really, how surprised can he be that her relationships with other guys are developing faster than his? He just had his first kiss with her this week and he’s ready to propose next week? I totally blame his dad for this.
Though I assumed Jef would be the next to go, I’m not so sure now. I think he really has something special with her and she would fit right in with his family – or at least his siblings. He does continue to surprise us, with his skinny jeans, target practice, and all of the unmentioned stuff that I know just from reading about him – the guy started a non-profit to bring clean water to third world countries and is a wealthy businessman in his own right, for the love of god. As Emily would say, I know right???
It will be very interesting to see how she handles next week – it really could go in any direction and it’s not going to be easy. Before I end this week, here’s some very important info for you:
The Season Finale of the show will end this year on Sunday July 22nd so set those PVRs! And, the After the Final Rose will actually air live right after. But, more importantly, the next night, Monday July 23rd, the new season of Bachelor Pad kicks off. Which means that boyfriends/husbands/etc. will have a really annoying start to their week and I will be one very busy little blogger so bear with me!
Can’t wait for next week – let’s see how Southern this belle really is when she has the chance to have three sleepover parties with these hotties – woohoo!
Tags: Emily Maynard, the bachelorette