WWE Superstars Report: 06.30.2012 (Kane, Kofi Kingston, Heath Slater, The Usos)

Hello ladies & gentlemen, I am Harold Fitterman a.k.a. that guy who types things. Welcome to my little section of the Pulse World, The Superstars Report. I hope your week hasn’t been filled with too much stress. Now on to the show.

Kofi Kingston vs. Michael McGillicutty

Seeing Kofi get a good response from the crowd made me think about the Raw that they did overseas earlier this year, I think it may have been in London, when he came out and the people sat in apathetic silence. It was one of the the funniest and saddest things I’ve ever seen. The 2 tie-up and Kofi gets backed into a corner. Kofi gets a waist-lock, they trade places and McG gets a headlock. Kofi pushes him off but gets knocked down with a shoulder block. McG runs the ropes and gets leapfrogged twice before getting his jaw realigned with a jumping back elbow. He kicks out after one but gets caught in a wristlock. He breaks the hold with a knee to the gut and works Kofi in the corner with a right hand and toe kicks. Kofi gets a snap suplex but kicks out before the referee can even get to 1. McG maintains control and runs Kofi towards the ropes. When Kofi makes contact he hooks the top rope and brings his legs up see he can take his opponent off of his feet with a franken-steiner. McG rolls outside and avoids a slingshot maneuver. Kofi lands on the apron, jumps to avoid an attempted leg sweep and connects with a diving clothesline. Kofi is fired up and throws his foe back into the ring. McG catches him coming in with a boot to the head and hits a hanging neck-breaker. It’s commercial time folks.

…and there’s no commercial so imagine your favorite one for the next 30 seconds.

Back to the action Kofi fights out of a front face-lock but gets back-body-dropped across the ring. McG sends him to the ropes for another back body drop. A backbreaker gets 2. Kofi fights out of another headlock but gets hung up in the Tree of Woe and takes a pair of clubbing blows to the chest. Maybe he should just stay in the hold and go to sleep. It’ll hurt less. McG rolls out of the ring and pulls his head back to wrench the neck. McG pulls him to the middle of the ring for 2. Kofi gets pulled to the apron and takes a clubbing blow to the chest as a “Let’s go Kofi!” chant breaks out. McG doesn’t like this and tells the crowd they should be showering him with adulations. This proves to be a mistake as Kofi recovers and he pushes McG into the barricade with both feet from his back. Kofi throws McG back into the ring but his rival recovers and drags him in by the head. Kofi slips out and McG receives a backdrop suplex and both men are down. They answer the count at 4 and Kofi goes to work with a dropkick and a jumping clothesline. McG tries to crawl away but gets dragged back in. He pushes Kofi away with his feet who rolls to the apron. McG charges but gets a shoulder to the gut. Kofi follows-up with a springboard cross body for 2. Before McG can get up he takes a roundhouse kick to the face and a Boom Drop. Kofi signals for the T.I.P. but McG retreats to a corner. After some back-and-forth Kofi is thrown into the corner and he catches McG charging with both boots to the face. He climbs on the second turnbuckle and takes flight…and gets a dropkick to the gut for 2. McG ducks a spin kick and goes for a lariat but Kofi catches his arm, spins him around and nails the Trouble In Paradise for the 1-2-3 at 9m 11sec.

Darren Young w/ Titus O’Neil & Abraham Washington vs. Primo w/ Epico & Rosa

Washington comes out and does the usual intro. for his team despite the fact that only one of them is competing tonight. I think he should have something different to say for each member or maybe that’s just me. Anyway Epico & Darren trade blows and…am I hearing thing or is Abraham’s voice a little too loud. Epico slips out of a back drop suplex and counters with a franken-steiner. They end up on the apron and Epico is slugging away with right hands. The ref gets Epico to back off and this allows Young to regain his composure and drop him on the apron with a backdrop suplex. Abraham congratulates him and great jumping jihosafat his headset is still live! I hope someone realizes what a terrible idea this is. Oh who am I kidding this is W.W.E. we’re talking about. Young goes for 3 pins which get 2-counts. Another back drop suplex gets 2. Young plants his right knee in Epico’s back and applies a chin lock. Epico fights out but is halted by a knee to the gut. Young sets him up for another backdrop suplex but Epico shifts his weight as he’s being picked up and turns the suplex attempt into a cross body for 2. Young quickly regains control with a power-slam that the production crew almost misses because they wanted to show Washington talking for some reason (fuck I hate when they do that) for 2. Young wraps up Epico in a body scissors and adds a few clubbing blows to the chest but Epico fights out with elbows. Epico has his opponent staggering from a jawbreaker and right hands. His Irish-whip is reversed but he reverses the reversal and nails a dropkick. He continues building momentum with a pair of lariats and sets Young up for ddt. Darren slips out and throws a right hand but Epico ducks and hooks his arm for a backdrop suplex of his own. He maintains the hold and connects with 2 more which gets a 2-count. Washington hops onto the apron which distracts Epico and the ref. The ref is further distracted by Primo complaining about Washington which causes him to miss O’Neil pull the middle rope as Epico goes for a springboard maneuver. Young takes advantage and uses a Gut Check (fireman’s carry into a double knee gut buster) to steal a win after 4m & 20sec. If the live headset becomes a regular thing I may pull out what’s left of my hair.

The Usos vs. Hunico & Epico

Hunico does the “I’ll speak in my native language then repeat what I just said in English” gimmick that 90% of foreign heels do and tells us he doesn’t care if we understand him. That’s why he’s telling us that in English. Unless what he’s saying in Spanish is totally different. *sigh* That crafty devil. Jimmy & Hunico start the match. Hunico executes a nice arm drag and celebrates. Jimmy responds with a pair of thrusting palms to the chest. He tags in Jay and they use the double back elbow into double elbow drop combo. and Hunico kicks out after 1. Jay gets a toe kick and is thrown into his opponents’ corner so Camacho can get the tag. He whips Jay towards the ropes but lowers his head too soon and gets smacked in the face for it. He misses landing a lariat and gets caught coming off the ropes with a standing corkscrew forearm. Jay screams “Us” (pronounced oos) and bucks at Hunico. Here’s a fun drinking game. Take a shot when one of The Usos screams “us.” Jay taking his eyes off of Hunico proves to be a mistake because he gets driven into the middle of the ring with a spine buster. A tag is made and Camacho positions Jay for a slingshot somersault senton from Hunico with a body slam which gets 2. Jay gets choked on the middle rope and thrown outside. The ref is distracted by Hunico and Jimmy so Camacho uses this to floor Jimmy with a lariat on the floor. Jimmy takes a backdrop suplex and a jumping leg drop from Camacho for 2. Hunico re-enters with a slingshot double-foot stomp to the gut of Jimmy and applies a sleeper hold. Jimmy tries to fight out of the hold but gets a knee to the gut. Hunico bucks at Jay and turns right into a back body drop. Those who don’t learn from history are…you know the rest. He grabs Jay’s ankle but it doesn’t work and Jimmy gets the tag. In one fluid motion puts down Hunico with a lariat and knocks Camacho off the apron with a right hand. Hunico gets a super-kick to the gut and is thrown upwards after bouncing off the ropes; Jimmy is there to catch him with a Samoan drop. “Us” x3. A running hip attack gets 2 for Jimmy. He goes up top and has to kick Camacho away. Hunico hits the top rope, causing Jimmy to hit the top turnbuckle testicle-first and he screams out “us.” Ha ha, just kidding. Hunico goes up and uses that inverted-sunset-flip-bomb maneuver but Jay is there to break the pin. Camacho comes in and attacks Jay. As the ref tries to get Camacho out Jay throws Hunico to Jimmy who re-arranges his face with a super-kick. Camacho tries to break the pin but he stopped by Jay and The Usos get the win at 5m 38sec.

It’s time for the “Raw Rebound.” Video from the main event with Cena taking on Jericho is shown. Big Show interferes and cost Jericho the match. So the Cena/Show battle rages on. Excuse me while I dry-heave.

Heath Slater vs. Kane

Heath comes out to antagonize the crowd and is interrupted by Kane, who just finished his shift at the steel mill and is probably not in a good mood. My hypothesis proves to be correct as he knocks Slater on his ass with a thunderous shoulder block. Slater tries to apply a wristlock but Kane reverses into one of his own and lifts him into the air while doing so. He drops him 5sec later and Heath is hurting. He ties Slater’s left arm with the top rope and kicks it when the ref tells him to break the hold. Heath is whipped into the ropes and gets a knee to the gut. He flips-over and sits in the perfect position for Kane’s running dropping which gets 2. Slater tries to vault over Kane in the corner buts gets caught. Kane appears to be setting up a running power slam and Slater slips out and lands a pair of toe kicks to his left knee. He tries to whip Kane but gets thrown onto the ring apron. Slater catches Kane by surprise and guillotines him on the top rope. Slater pounces on his opponent and goes after the knee with a shoulder block and several toe kicks. Kane pushes him into a corner and Slater quickly climbs onto the middle turnbuckle to hit a dropkick. He goes for the cover but gets military-pressed out of it after 1. Slater goes up top and jumps right into a throat thrust. Kane whips Slater into a corner and follows him into it with a clothesline. Kane picks him up and holds him for about 5-seconds before dropping him with a sidewalk slam. Kane takes flight with a diving clothesline from the top and sends Slater to hell with the choke slam and it’s academic folks. 1, 2, 3 at 3m 12sec.

Well that’s it for this edition of Superstars. Take care folks.

 

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