The SmarK RAW Supershow Rant – 07.09.12

The SmarK RAW Supershow Rant – 07.09.12

I’m watching this live, without the benefit of DVR, this week, so if I’m a little crazy by the end bear with me.  Plus I’m doing the Destination X rant right afterwards so at least I’ve got that to look forward to.

Live from Denver, CO.

Your hosts are Michael Cole & Jerry Lawler

AJ joins us and brings out CM Punk, confronting him for calling her a crazy chick on “Friday”.  Smackdown was on Tuesday, AJ.  She talks about how much Punk turns her on, and drops to her knees…for a marriage proposal.  Punk’s uncomfortable looks here show he probably has experience with this sort of thing, although sadly Daniel Bryan interrupts before he can answer.  He still has feelings for her, and thinks that Punk that is only playing her because she’s the referee.  Bryan has a proposal of his own and they get into a boring argument before THE ANONYMOUS RAW GM interrupts.  Oh god.  So this gives us Punk & AJ v. Bryan & Eve.  Also, Jericho & Show v. Kane & Cena, because they’ve never done that before.

Sheamus v. Jack Swagger

Nice to see them switching it up from having Sheamus beat Dolph every week.  Swagger tries the pump splash and gets caught with the White Noise, and the brogue kick finishes at 1:00.  Hey, remember when Swagger was World champion?  Anyone?  DUD  Goddamn I wish that RAW wasn’t constrained by this ridiculously short two-hour running time so matches like this could get time to breathe!  I bet this would have run two, or maybe even THREE minutes if they’d hurry up and go to three hours!  ADR cuts in for a promo after the match, so Sheamus gives Swagger another brogue kick, just because he probably forgot to shake hands with someone backstage and we as fans DESERVE to see him punished on national TV for it.

Meanwhile, Santino pledges to reveal the identity of the anonymous GM.  Hilarity will no doubt ensue.

Dolph Ziggler & Tensai v. Tyson Kidd & Christian

Nobody gets entrances here, because there’s just too much good stuff to cram into two hours!  We need a third hour right now!  Why the fuck won’t Obama deal with this national crisis instead of boring stuff like health care?  The heels work on Kidd in the corner, but Christian comes in and hits Tensai with a missile dropkick.  Tensai comes back with the corner splasn and senton for the pin at 1:23.   Kidd gets destroyed like a job guy by Tensai afterwards, just so we don’t forget he is one.  ½*

Meanwhile, Cole and Lawler argue who the new GM is going to be and get into a fight over it, so the GM buzzes in and makes Cole v. Lawler tonight.  Cole is upset over this, because tonight he’s a heel, for some reason.  I think they should make “for some reason” the new GM, because that’s who ends up booking all their matches anyway.  Although in reality it’s going to be “The WWE Universe” because then they do all the stupid “interactive” shit they want to do and make people think that picking guest timekeepers or different variations on hardcore matches is making a difference.

Brodus Clay v. Drew McIntyre

And we’re 10 steps back for Clay again.  Drew attacks and gets nowhere, as he goes up and lands on a headbutt, and Clay finishes with the splash at 0:33.  Gotta build him back up so they can beat him in a meaningless squash again!  DUD

Meanwhile, Santino finds Jericho and accuses him of being the computer, and that leads to TENSION between Jericho and Big Show.  Holy shit, two guys fighting at the PPV might not get along in their tag team match?   This is UNHEARD OF!

RAW 1000 Moment:  Hunter and Steph renew their (fake) wedding vows in a godawful storyline where Steph faked a pregnancy.

John Cena & Kane v. Big Show & Chris Jericho

Holy shit, they finally remembered that there’s a PPV this Sunday!  Cena is out first to do the hard sell for the PPV, as he promises to win Money In The Bank and CHANGE THE LANDSCAPE of WWE.  Yeah, John, win that 14th World title and SHAKE THINGS UP!  Also, John promises that the unstoppable Big Show will be STOPPED by his hand.  Why do they keep forgetting that Cena ALREADY DID THAT last month?  Cena beats on Jericho to start, and is it me or is that ring shaking tonight more than it should be?  Show comes in and tries a chokeslam, but Cena tags out to Kane.  Kane and Show slug it out in the corner and Show puts him down with a clothesline, and Jericho gets in a cheapshot.  Is Kane supposed to be a babyface now or what’s the deal with that, exactly?  Show continues pounding on Kane, but Jericho comes in and gets caught in the babyface corner.  Cena with a clothesline in the corner for two, but Jericho distracts the ref and Show gets the shot from the outside to make Cena YOUR superman-in-peril as we take a break.  Back with Show working him over in the corner, but Cena tries a slam that backfires.  Cena immediately fights back again instead of twitching on the ground like Hogan used to do, but Show catches him with a bearhug.  Cena fights back with a backdrop suplex and makes the hot tag to Kane, and a DDT gets two.  Show spears him and now Kane gets beat up and Jericho chokes him out on the ropes.  And we take ANOTHER break.  Back with Jericho holding a chinlock, but it’s hot tag Cena.  FIVE MOVES OF DOOM for Jericho, but Show pulls Cena out at two for the DQ?!  What kind of a stupid fucking finish is that supposed to be?  Show destroys both Kane and Jericho with ladders because he’s UNSTOPPABLE, even though he just lost the match.  But that was, like, a whole 30 seconds ago, so we’ve likely forgotten already.  Cena of course single-handedly saves both Kane and Jericho and cleans up all the ladders for the ring crew.

Meanwhile, Eve gives Punk some advice about making sure AJ stays happy so she doesn’t screw Punk out of the belt.  She notes that although Punk already gets overshadowed by John Cena, Big Show, HHH, Brock Lesnar and everyone else above him, being overshadowed by AJ must be particularly hurtful.  I love shoot comments that aren’t supposed to be shoot comments.

Sin Cara v. Heath Slater

Winner gets the last slot in the Smackdown MITB match.  Slater pounds away and gets two, then goes to the chinlock.  Sin Cara comes back with a flying armdrag and a crossbody, and La Mistica finishes at 1:30.  ½*  Slater bitches about the loss afterwards and demands any former champion so he can beat them up.  This brings out Bob Backlund, who’s looking pretty good for someone his age.  Crowd doesn’t really care, of course.  Bob gives him the crossface chickenwing, and Cole cuts in to announce that the WWE.com poll has made the match against Lawler official now.

Speaking of the internet, apparently Hunico & Camacho will get a tag title shot on Youtube before the PPV.  This would lead a rational person to wonder what happened to the Prime Time Playaz being the #1 contenders, but this show has killed my rationality so I won’t bother.

Michael Cole v. Jerry Lawler

Josh and Booker take over on commentary, which I guess is to explain why they’re still there for the Smackdown tapings.  Booker immediately throws Cole into the ring, and Cole wants a handshake, but Lawler gives him an airplane spin and pins him at 0:48.  But where’s the BBQ sauce bath?  But then the RAW GM buzzes in and declares the decision is reversed for some reason.  Santino interrupts this stupidity and declares that the GM must be UNDER THE RING.  You’d think that Big Show would have seen him when he was under the ring getting ladders earlier.  Santino goes to investigate, revealing that in fact Hornswoggle is the GM.  Because the stupidest fucking thing they can think of is always the payoff.  Why would he care who wins or loses these matches?  I hate this show so, so much.  And there’s still AJ to come!

Eve & Daniel Bryan v. CM Punk & AJ

Bryan throws kicks in the corner on Punk to start, but AJ tags herself in.  Eve tries pounding on her, but AJ gets a spear that defies the laws of physics, only to have Eve throw something that looked like it was intended to be a kick and get her own.  AJ fights back with a spinkick, as she makes Brock Lesnar look like a light worker, and Bryan decides to walk out, allowing AJ to roll up Eve at 3:16.  DUD.  And then it’s MORE SOAP OPERA BULLSHIT, as Punk cares about her too much to use her to keep his title.  SINCE WHEN?  Who is this person who looks like CM Punk but has clearly traded in his pipebomb for a vagina?  AJ slaps him and Punk does nothing because he’s a giant pussy now, but AJ also slaps Bryan.  SMELL THE BUYRATE.

The Pulse

Did Vince Russo get hired again and no one told me?  Just wondering.

THREE HOURS of this shitty show coming in two weeks!  Three fucking hours, people.  They can’t even remember that Smackdown aired on Tuesday LAST WEEK or that John Cena already beat Big Show at LAST MONTH’S PPV, and they’re gonna have to book a THREE HOUR SHOW.  EVERY FUCKING WEEK.  With Twitter polls!  You know, for the kids.  And Rock actually WANTS to come back to this disaster?

 

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