Normally, once I wrap up my cozy two hours on the couch with my vino, my lap top and my bachelor or bachelorette, I shut ‘er down for the night, go to sleep and wake up at an ungodly hour to release all my judgmental thoughts that have simmered in my slumber to you.
But, that ain’t the case tonight. Nope. An early meeting tomorrow means I gotta put this puppy out now, so I’ll give you what I got, but just know that I’m tired and my bed is calling, calling, calling me…
Within the first few minutes of the episode tonight, I had mixed emotions. On the one hand, how ridiculous is this show that a girl can be in love with three guys one day and two weeks later be fully confident in marrying one of them? It just doesn’t make sense. On the other hand, God dammit I love this show. I am giddy with excitement for what’s to come and for the first time, I felt that tonight’s episode, and the whole season for that matter, could really go in any of these three directions.
Once we were finished sitting through at least ten full minutes of watching Emily stare out to sea from various angles on land and water, complete with an ‘I’m the king of the world!’ moment at the edge of the boat, trying to detangle her breezy hair from her freshly plumped, over-glossed lips (could there be anything more annoying than the combo of wind, hair and lip gloss?), we were ready to start the dates.
We of course, also had to endure the recap of her relationships with the final three, which was basically the same footage from last week’s intro, but I think at this point, it’s fair to say these are necessary. After all, there are very few roses left to hand out and we only have a couple more episodes to determine which ones have thorns. We take this job as hypercritical viewers very seriously. I mean, really, it’s all about us, right?
So we start off with Sean and I have to admit that though I am still traumatized by the repulsive mouth to mouth action we bore witness to last week, there is no denying he’s still pretty easy on the eyes. I think it’s the smile that really gets me, because I do find blonde eyebrows sort of weird, now that I think about it. We review the moment when Sean reveals that he is unequivocally, undeniably ready to be a dad and a husband and raise Ricki as his own. However, upon closer examination of that scene, I realize it may not be Emily and Ricki who are ‘the girls’ he’s referring to, since it’s painfully clear that he can’t pry his eyes away from the girls on her chest the whole time he’s talking to her. Things that make you go Hmm…
We jump on over to Jef. I think I can speak on behalf of most of my readers, if not all fans in general, and say that his mastery of the marionettes was truly a turning point for all of our relationships. Raise your hand if you did not develop a secret mini crush on Jef after watching him act out his nerves with puppets. See? Told you. Friggin adorable. Hopefully tonight will bring Jef the closure he’s looking for as his missing letter gets busy getting his ‘F’ on with Emily. Of the final three, if I were a kid, I would choose Jef as my dad for sure, and not just because I could use his hair as a skate ramp.
But then, Emily starts talking about Arie and while it’s pretty clear that there was a whole lotta liquid seeping from her throughout her time with him tonight, I didn’t expect tears right at the beginning of the episode. There she is though, imagining her life with Arie and crying herself a little river.
I’m not going to call out the whole writing her name in the sand and then having the wave wash away just the right part and wonder if the camera guy made her redo it over and over again to get the perfect spot in the sand. Too obvious. Whoops.
Okay, date #1. Sean. Not so into his matchy matchy deep V and shoes, but he certainly can rock a t-shirt, now can’t he. If Emily were standing next to me as I type this, she’d be saying ‘I know, right?’
Emily and Sean head off to an isolated island where he basically proceeds to put the nails in the coffin of his relationship with his ex girlfriend. Bet she feels like a big winner watching right now. Nothing quite like finding out your boyfriend never loved you on national TV. Hopefully her girlfriends are surrounding her on the couch, supporting her with a chorus of ‘Oh no he Di-Int’!!!’s.
Once Sean finishes ripping his past relationship to shreds, it’s Emily’s turn to make the viewers feel like shit by prancing around in her bikini. Really? Is it even possible to be this hot? I mean, I get it. She paid good money for 89% of her body – a number which seems to be fluctuating from scene to scene as I swear there are moments where she’s a nice perfect little C cup and then you blink your eyes and it’s like, oh hello DD32, how ya been? Seriously? Anyone else out there totally confused by the constant changing state of her body and face? One thing I will not miss about this show is watching my self-esteem plummet every time Little Miss I Don’t Work Out dons another eeny weeny bikini.
So they have a great day on the beach, Sean wonders if he should drop the L word and off they go to the evening portion where quelle surprise, two ginormous steaks are waiting for them when they arrive, way past the resting point, so they can be ignored.
As soon as Sean said he wrote a letter to Ricki, I started to cry. Yup. Full tears. How thoughtful, Sean! What a sweetheart. Points for you, big boy! Then I saw ‘his’ handwriting. Seriously? There might as well have been hearts instead of dots on the i’s. That’s about as believable as ‘Chris Harrison’s über-feminine hand writing on the fantasy date cards. At this point I’m thinking to myself, okay I get that Sean’s a super-rugged, manly athlete, but I’m starting to wonder if perhaps this boy may be a catcher and not so much a pitcher…just sayin.
Clearly Emily didn’t seem to mind because it was really all she needed to hear – oh, that and the fact that Sean loves her. He says those three magic words and leans in for another one of his specialty kisses, complete with a thigh grab that looks so awkward it reminds me of a blind man putting his arms out at a crosswalk just waiting for the birds to start chirping so he can safely cross the street.
The fantasy suite card arrives and once again, Emily is ever so much the true Southern belle she’s been brought up to be by deciding not to allow the slumber party but to approve a make-out session on the fantasy couch instead. Is she trying to be a true lady or is she just trying to avoid being seen in the morning without 14 pounds of bronzer and lashes? She lets Sean go just as the sun is coming up so it can’t quite be called an overnight date. This does beg the question though…if she’s so worried about setting an example for Ricki, does this mean Ricki is allowed to watch the show??? Gross. That’s right up there with me recently finding out my own mom is reading Fifty Shades of Grey.
Moving onto Jef, the underdog of the season, who is quickly charming his way into our hearts. Emily greets him with her usual gusto while we all try to ignore her randomly-placed braid (do that one yourself, honey?) and tells him about the yacht she’s chartered for them as if she’s reading a script. A really boring script. Oh Look. Over yonder there is a boat. That is where we will be today. Yaaayyyyy…
Instead of offering a synopsis of their date, I’d like to segue for a moment into what I’d like to call ‘Things that make Jef hot’.
1) Every episode reveals something new about Jef. This week’s mystery? His cool tattoo on his arm. What could it mean???
2) The kid stands up on a surfboard (paddleboard? Who knows, I’m Canadian) and paddles Emily around into the sunset like nobody’s business. That my friends, is hot. I can barely get into a canoe by myself and years ago my husband and I actually got stuck on rocks in the middle of a lake on a canoe trip. That was not hot. Suffice it to say, we’re more of a dry land kinda couple these days.
3) He proactively asks her well-thought-out questions – and actually listens to her answers. Hot.
4) Dude can articulate himself yo.
5) He asked if he was a good fit for Ricki. Um, you are now you adorable little thing you.
6) The way he says ‘I love you’. It’s not like this big earth-shattering moment, it’s just a fact. Very soothing and drama-less.
7) He actually forgoes foregoing his individual room. I don’t even know why I find that hot. If Sean had done it I’d be holding up that three dimensional ‘L’ to my forehead, but with Jef, I dig it. You go boy. You go back to your room and spank that monkey. Your parents would be proud.
Regardless of Jef playing the R card (religion, respect, Ricki, whatever), they still abandoned their fly-infested steaks pretty quickly for a cute little romp in the fantasy day bed.
Best for last? Ah…Arie. Within three minutes of climbing aboard the yacht, Arie was climbing aboard Emily. I think even the dolphins at one point were like ‘Jesus, get a room – squeek!!!’
After making out on every square inch of the boat, dinner rolls around and Arie reveals exactly what we would expect – that he goes out every night with friends and sleeps in every day. At this point, Emily should just cut him some slack and set him free because he is definitely in for a rude awakening if he’s the last man standing. I can’t possibly imagine what time Ricki gets up in the morning. My kids are pretty much ready to start their day too by 6:30 (kill me), but for him to say ‘6:30?’ and her to scoff ‘I wish!!!’? Seriously what time is Ricki waking up? Maybe she should, oh I don’t know, get her own bed for a change? Just sayin’. I get that Emily’s a single mom and may get lonely in her big ol’ bed, but not sure if co-sleeping should be part of the deal these guys are signing up for. That’s just awkward. She might wanna nip that in the bud.
You can tell maybe the idea of waking that early is getting to Arie as he starts sweating profusely. Might as well pick up that steak and use it as a blotting paper since it’s not like anyone’s eatin’ it. And I’m pretty sure the exact same steak was served at dinner on Jeff and Sean’s dates too. Why waste?
I’m sure you, like me, were wondering if Emily would make an exception for Arie and let him have his way with her in the fantasy suite since she can’t keep her hands off of him. I thought it was totally hilarious that she didn’t even trust herself to check the suite out with him – definitely a first in the show’s history. After nine thousand more ‘last kisses’ and borderline creepy intense looks from Arie, back she goes, to the removable shower head in her hotel suite for a night cap.
Usually at this point in the evening when the final rose ceremony rears its ugly head, it’s pretty obvious which guy is going to be the one to go, but I was honestly feeling practically as much anxiety as Emily leading up to this one. Chris Harrison, sans wedding ring and sporting a youthful new do, greets Emily straight out of the movie Splash with her sequined scaly mermaid skirt and wife beater tank. I’m not sure how I feel about her outfit. On the one hand, it’s surprisingly cute in an Emily sort of way but on the other hand, it’s quite ridiculous and I have fully convinced myself that the bulge in her back is not her microphone as she’d like us all to believe, but in fact, it’s an air pump that goes directly to her breasts so she can alter their size depending on her outfit at any given moment. Actually, that’s not a bad idea.
Chris and Emily take a seat and he proceeds to try to console Emily who is hyperventilating tearless tears, and doing anything he possibly can to drag the emotion out of her kicking and screaming for the sake of good TV. A few more minutes of us being reminded of how Chris is to this show what Robyn is to Howard Stern – utterly useless – and we turn our attention to the videos.
I am examining Emily’s face super close, to see if I can determine by her video reactions what her decision may be, because again, really not sure at this point. She hyperventilate-cries her way through the videos, careful not to shed an actual tear and mess up her lip gloss, eyelashes, or perfectly attached ponytail and at this point I get that gut feeling that Sean is the one to go (I also get a feeling somewhere else when I see how hot Arie looks walking in to the garden but that’s another story).
The crickets are going absolutely nuts at this point, as if even they can’t stand the awkwardness. Emily gives the guys her speech, and knocks it out of the park by giving Jef the first rose. At this point, I’m pretty positive that Sean is, well, gone.
The poor kid looks absolutely dumbfounded when she calls Arie’s name and as Emily walks him over to the bench, to say her final words, I wanted to punch her for asking ‘what are you thinking?’ Seriously? What do you think he’s thinking about? If he can upgrade from coach on his way home? Poor guy. He took it like a champ in the limo, spoke quietly and from the heart, just enough to make single viewers everywhere cry out for him to be the next Bachelor. I am of course thrilled with her final two choices and Jef was definitely a curveball, but ultimately I think Sean would have been her best bet and most likely to stay with her and make her happy.
Could either of Emily’s final two relationships last? Let’s be honest. Not a friggin chance. No way, no how. In fact, with all these rumors of Emily and Brad having secret unfinished business and old feelings surfacing, not to mention the sketchy scenes for the finale where a) it looks like she puts a stop to the whole shebang and b) it looks like she actually uses a stand in, since she looks completely different there than she did tonight, who knows how this thing will end?
Does it matter? Next week is the final rose and then it’s really just a hop, skip and a jump to Bachelor Pad where we can start all over again.
Ok seriously can I go to bed now? Screw it, I’ll spell check in the morning. And…out.
Oh and by the way, if you’re looking for something new to ‘like’, how about little old me? Do it. I’ll be your best friend.
Tags: Emily Maynard, the bachelorette