Hey there, people-who-read-this-intro. Kelly’s back, so things are back to some sense of normalcy here.
Rey Mysterio heads to the ring to thank the fans for welcoming him back, but Alberto del Rio interrupts to insult Rey. He says that Mysterio needs to get out of the ring so del Rio can focus on Sheamus…but this brings out Dolph Ziggler, who claims that he would have been the World Heavyweight Champion last Sunday if del Rio hadn’t botched his chances. Rey tells them to stop arguing and fight already, but they decide to fight Mysterio instead until Sheamus makes the save. Now we have our main event.
Kelly: Hello boys and girls. I’m back! Did you miss me? Did you? DID YOU?
Mike: I think one person did.
Kelly: Damn. Well, we start off the show with my favorite little nugget, Reyberto.
Mike: Ah, He With The Bum Knee.
Kelly: I feel that pain.
Mike: I wonder if he goes up to those kids with Mysterio masks and reads them their rights. Their copyrights.
Kelly: Oh boy, it’s going to be a long recap.
Mike: Rey tells his hometown fans that he’s officially back. Until his next surgery.
Kelly: I don’t know if my heart can take all this love. Reybert and Alberto. Good start to the show, guys.
Mike: Alberto says he won everything while Rey was gone. Except the fans.
Kelly: He won me.
Mike: So you’re agreeing with me.
Kelly: My brain is fuzzy.
Mike: Hey look, it’s Dolph Ziggler!
Kelly: Rey has to jump up on the turnbuckle to get their attention.
Mike: Dolph and del Rio talk about how they both deserve to be champion and argue with one another. Rey tells them to just fight each other already.
Kelly: Sheamus joins the party. I smell tag team action.
Mike: He just name-dropped a couple of landmarks for the cheap pop.
Kelly: Alberto ditches Dolph, Sheamus and Rey attack but Ziggler dodges the 619 and gets away.
Mike: I smell a victory for Rey courtesy of del Rio dumping Ziggler.
Kofi Kingston, R-Truth, Epico, and Primo vs The Primetime Players, Hunico, and Camacho
Kelly: A bunch of stereotypes in the ring when we return.
Mike: Here comes my girl Rosa!
Kelly: A fourth tag team…this is going to be a hot mess.
Mike: Looks like an 8-man tag.
Kelly: …a hot mess.
Mike: Rosa is not a mess.
Kelly: She’s a female. Of course she’s a mess.
Mike: Can’t disagree with you there. Lots of nice back-and-forth between Epico and Hunico.
Kelly: Hunico tags in his own partner…I forgot what I was going to say.
Mike: This is great reporting, folks.
Kelly: I saw something shiny. I can’t help it.
Kelly: After absolute mayhem, the ref has restored order and Kofi is the one taking on Camacho.
Mike: Kofi plays face-in-peril to Camacho as AW annoys us all.
Kelly: Yeah, he needs a mute button. If I hear “come on, dreadlocks” one more time, I’m going to cut someone.
Mike: The faces are in control as Primo takes over Darren Young.
Kelly: He’s moving too fast, my brain can’t keep up today. Oh snap, I looked away to take a sip of my beer and bam, looks like the Prime Time Players won it? I need to pay attention.
Mike: Titus interfered while Primo was on the top rope.
Kelly: Well, we’re moving on from that as Big Show walks out and attacks…well, everyone.
Mike: Except the PTP, who leave the ring.
Kelly: Right. I saw that much! Woo!
Mike: Now he’s going to talk shit, I assume.
Kelly: “And? What?” Thanks for keeping it short, big guy.
Mike: Nothing says, “I’m a bad ass” like beating up six minor leaguers.
Damien Sandow vs Zack Ryder
Kelly: We have Mike’s favorite, Damien Sandow, in the ring.
Mike: Sandow gets the jobber entrance but, as Ryder heads to the ring, Sandow interrupts to call him a “brainless broski.”
Kelly: And Ryder does NOT like it! He attacks with an intensity I haven’t seen from him in a while!
Mike: Doesn’t matter. Quick squash.
Kelly: I liked it, with the exposed elbows, the ring apron pulled over Zack’s face, and how pissed Sandow was. Not bad for a Diva-length match.
Mike: And Sandow acts just like a Diva.
Peep Show Guests: AJ and Daniel Bryan
Kelly: Peep Show time. Now we get to hear from the recently betrothed. Go go gadget gag reflex.
Mike: Yes! Yes! Yes!
Kelly: Typical WWE. Right when they got me to accept and generally like AJ, they do something like this and make me lose wood.
Mike: This wedding planning video is hilarious.
Mike: Christian feeds them “yes”-based questions.
Kelly: He asks the crowd if they think they should get married, and if DB really loves AJ. I think they’re saying no? Sounds like cheers to me, I don’t know.
Mike: AJ slaps Christian, but instead of responding with anger…he announces DB has a match tonight!
Kelly: Ooo, against Kane! This, I like.
Kane vs Daniel Bryan
Mike: Bryan immediately attacks Kane’s legs as we return from commercial break.
Kelly: Daniel Bryan gets away from Kane long enough to…take a backbreaker.
Mike: Michael Cole is saying that AJ has ulterior motives, and not the other way around.
Kelly: A very loud kick from Bryan, and he’s on the top rope, only to have his back smack against the mat once more.
Mike: Bryan’s going for the Yes Lock but Kane escapes and winds up on the outside!
Kelly: Bryan checks on AJ, who seems to have flopped over, and Kane uses the distraction to crush his skull.
Mike: AJ just interfered and has leaped onto Kane’s shoulders!
Kelly: Even with all 80 pounds of AJ on his back, he chokeslams Bryan. AJ is whipped around into a very sexy position. They stare deeply into each other’s eyes for too long. I love this dysfunctional shit.
Mike: Kane puts her down and she escapes. I love this. It’s like she’s a psycho version of Miss Elizabeth.
Road Warrior Animal squashes Heath Slater. Backstage, Vickie Guerrero and Ricardo Rodriguez get into a shouting match.
Mike: Heath Slater reminisces about all the times he got in the ring with a bunch of Legends.
Kelly: I’d love it too. Hey, who’d he face on Monday? Rikishi?
Mike: Yup. Holy crap, it’s Animal!
Kelly: Ha! As bad as Heath Slater is, I look forward to his matches now.
Mike: This is the closest he’ll ever get to being a main eventer anyway.
Kelly: It’s really not a bad set-up.
Mike: Big power slam and an…elbow drop for the win?
Kelly: Well, the crowd’s eating it up.
Mike: From the looks of Animal, he’s been eating it up too.
Mike: God…this Tout shit annoys me.
Kelly: …I totally downloaded the app. Just to see what’s up.
Mike: First Twitter took the status updates from Facebook; now Tout just allows 15 seconds off of Youtube. And Ricardo and Vickie are having an argument backstage……
Kelly: Ricardo is neat.
Sheamus and Rey Mysterio vs Dolph Ziggler and Alberto del Rio
Kelly: Lilian is looking pretty sexual tonight.
Mike: Hey, you’re in quite the mood today.
Kelly: Yeah, my hormones are all insane this week…if you know what I mean.
Mike: Ahem…hey look, wrestling!
Kelly: Yes! Show Jericho’s Codebreaker to Ziggler! Love it. Royal Rumble advertisement! I’ll be there. 🙂
Mike: Phoenix is too far for me.
Kelly: Bummer. It’s my first Rumble. Oh hey look, Sheamus is out, and Reyberto follows.
Mike: Please stop fawning over him.
Kelly: …okay, Rey DIDN’T come out. He’s still backstage.
Mike: Here he is.
Kelly: I wasn’t fawning, you know.
Mike: Mmhmm…Sheamus starts things off, but the fans want Rey.
Kelly: He’s only been gone for like, fourteen years.
Mike: Del Rio takes control but Rey fights back and tags in the champ. Del Rio makes a quick tag! Sheamus hits his clubbing attack but Dolph falls off the ring apron.
Kelly: Dolph flies through the air with the greatest of ease thanks to Sheamus.
Mike: Rey whips Dolph with a headscissors into the corner and nails a kick to the temple for two.
Kelly: Dolph is set up for the 619, but Alberto makes sure it doesn’t happen.
Mike: FameAsser gets two!
Kelly: Rey’s tiny, furious feet work to separate him from Alberto, but not for long.
Mike: That sounded odd but…yeah.
Kelly: Sorry, that was a nod to Scrubs.
Mike: Del Rio prevents a tag to Sheamus and he keeps Rey trapped in the corner.
Kelly: Alberto flies over the ropes, landing outside. Mysterio damn near gets to Sheamus, but Dolph is tagged in.
Mike: Rey counters a body slam into a DDT!
Kelly: Finally getting the tag.
Mike: Sheamus stops the cross arm breaker and tosses del Rio into Ziggler!
Kelly: White Noise, BOOM! However, Ricardo climbs into the ring, Sheamus strikes and the match is called off.
Mike: Del Rio traps Sheamus in the cross arm breaker and refs need to come down to break this up.
Kelly: Dolph slithers in with his briefcase…
Mike: But Rey is ready with a 619, followed by a Brogue Kick!
Kelly: This is my favorite thing about WWE…all the near-cash-ins from here on.
Mike: Well, my ending idea was botched.
Kelly: You know, my ovaries hurt, my throat’s sore, my head is full of impending phlegm, I’m grouchy, I’m hormonal, and I’m out of beer. Yet I still found a way to enjoy this episode.
Mike: I thought it was sort of “blah.” The only real focus was on Rey’s return, and everything was phoned-in in preparation for Raw 1,000.
Kelly: True. Perhaps that’s why I liked it. Rey is the reason I began watching wrestling, loving wrestling. Speaking of which, check out the Rasslin’ Roundtable on Monday to read the Pulse writers’ favorite Raw moments!
Mike: Oh crap! I forgot to send in my favorite moment!
Kelly: Luckily you’re in good with the person running it.
Mike: Some would say in tight.
Kelly: I know where this is going. Stop it. THINK OF THE CHILDREN.
Mike: Well that’s not a turn-on.
Mike: So long…
Kelly: And thanks for all the fish.
Tags: abraham washington, aj lee, alberto del rio, Animal, big show, Camacho, chris jericho, christian, Damien Sandow, Daniel Bryan, Dolph Ziggler, Epico, Heath Slater, hunico, kane, Kelly Floyd, Kofi Kingston, Lillian Garcia, Michael Cole, Mike Gojira, Primetime Players, Primo, R-Truth, Raw 1000, rey mysterio, Ricardo Rodriguez, Rosa Mendes, sheamus, Smackdown, Vickie Guerrero, World Heavyweight Championship, WWE, zack ryder