And…then there was one.
Here we are, yet another season of The Bachelorette a distant memory and I have to say that in three hours worth of TV and what, dare I say, was the most shocking finale in Bachelorette history, my notes are actually lookin’ a bit bare.
It was no shock to me that Jef was the last man standing since though I don’t personally read spoilers in order to uphold the utmost integrity on my blog (didn’t that sound so impressive?) and experience the wonder that is this show in as authentic a way as possible, friends and passersby seem to have no trouble assaulting me with unsolicited information about said Bachelor or Bachelorette’s final pick. If I wanted to know what Reality Steve had to say about this show, surely my fingers could guide me along my keyboard towards him, no? Oh well, at the very least, merely including his name on my blog might just garner me some new readers stumbling around Google, so I guess he can’t be all that bad.
Now. Shall we?
The previews to the episode did lead us to believe something doesn’t go according to plan and to be honest there was a slight chance I thought it may have had to do with Brad. With all the tabloids I’ve been reading about her secret reunions with him, I mean it’s not impossible to believe that she had somehow made her way back to him, right? As shocking and ridiculous as I would have found it to be, it was possible. And when I saw her leaning over that bench sobbing, my first thought (well, third thought after being seized with hatred as I saw her bent over in a tight white tank with absolutely no rolls to be found and also wondering who the hell this girl was because she looked completely, alarminglydifferent at that point) was ‘oh my god, she sent them both home and the rest of the episode we’re going to be forced to listen to her talk baby-talk to Ricki!’ I really did not see it coming, that this episode would turn into The Jef Show. But there it was.
Anyone have any thoughts on the format of the episode last night? I mean I’m all for audience participation, but this is not Survivor. It’s not like Chris Harrison borrowed Kalen’s helicopter or motor-biked his way onto the set, clutching a final rose in his teeth and Emily and Jeff, twenty pounds heavier are waiting to commit to each other before a live studio audience. Essentially it was just one big viewing party and the laughter and sighing that one could hear from the audience on top of the episode was about as distracting and annoying as I would probably find a group of my friends on my couch if I were to hold a viewing party at my house – sorry girls, not gonna happen. Keep begging!
The first thing I noticed right away when we saw the studio audience was ‘oh look! There’s one whole guy in the audience – how typical.’ Then I looked closer and realized it was JP, who’s balls probably jumped right up inside of him about a year and a half ago so I guess he doesn’t count.
I will go on record and say that I am absolutely stunned by what happened in Colorado as well and I think it’s insane that you can’t go even go to a movie anymore without worrying if you’ll ever come out of it, but I have to say, Chris’s speech at the beginning about the tragedy was a bit weird. Maybe it’s because he encouraged us to be active in our communities and here we all are watching the most shallow show on TV? I don’t know…thoughts? Since people watch reality TV shows to escape, well, reality, I’ll put us right back into our little bubble (you can thank me later) and we can go on being concerned about the things that really matter, like the fact that as I type this, there is just over twelve hours until the season premiere of Bachelor Pad Three – woot woot!!!
So we begin the show with Emily (in Spanx, I swear!) and the fam. I was all set this week to make a stunning revelation, because I’ve been wondering all season long, just how does she keep her body as hot as it without working out, etc. And then it hit me. The girl is still in her twenties! Ahhahahahahahahahahah!is 26 to be exact! Yeah, I remember 26 too. It was about the time when my body pretty much stopped doing what it was told. Prior to that it was like, Hey it’s two AM. Nothing like a pound of late night poutine after hours of drinking on a Saturday night. Heading up to the cottage with a bunch of gal pals? Why not consume a plethora of entire cakes in mere minutes? But then the mid-twenties hit and it was like ‘What’s that, five pounds? Oh…you’re comfy right where you are? Not gonna leave despite my hints? Gonna invite your best friends Six and Seven for a short visit? Uh…okay…I guess…and that’s how it starts.
So I was all set to make the argument about how that’s all gonna change…you watch…any minute now…and then I saw her mom. Dammit. She’s gonna age well too!
I think it’s great that Emily had her family to support her and help her through this difficult decision, especially after watching her endure her painful failed relationship with Brad, but was anyone else a bit disturbed by her brother? I mean I get it. If my name was Ernie, I’d be full of displaced anger too, but I seriously thought when he and Jef went to have their man talk, Ernie was going to take him into the other room and beat his ass. Didn’t seem to last long though. By the end of Ernie’s and Jef’s time together, I honestly thought Ernie was going to lean in for a kiss and they were going to frolic off together to Brokeback Mountain.
Emily’s dad was super-adorable, and her mom was, well, lovely. Normally the body language for skepticism centers around eyebrows and since it was clearly not possible for Emily’s mom to show any expression with hers, we’re just going to have to trust that Jef eased any of her doubts over his intentions with Emily. Within minutes that date is over and it’s bachelor number two’s turn, despite Emily’s dad’s proclamation that there is no point to even meeting another guy. While I did feel for Arie in his awkward state where he was left with nothing but optimal fishing conditions to discuss as Ernie looked at him with disgust, I had to admit it was nice to see him a bit uncomfortable about the fam – at least they were speaking English, dude! I am still BIMming (barfing in mouth) over the memory of Arie’s family’s Dutchcapades and it’s only fair that he was a bit uncomfortable.
Again, the family is skeptical of Arie and Ernie takes it upon himself to ask the tough questions. What a good brother. But true to form, Arie nearly charms the pants of Ernie and within minutes this cowboy practically has to use a lasso to control what’s stirring south of his belt buckle. Ernie returns to the group in a sparkly-eyed daze, dreaming of standing behind Arie teaching him how to ‘hold his rod’ on an upcoming family fishing trip.
As we’ve come to expect from Arie, he knocks it out of the park with the box he purchased in the hotel gift shop holding his dried roses and all is right with the world. If only we didn’t know who she chooses at this point!
I really didn’t write much on Jef’s last date with Emily and maybe something was telling me to just take it all in. Their conversation about whether or not he should meet Ricki was kind of sporadic and when she finally decided he could meet her, the way it was laid out was a bit weird. As they walked away (not even needing to carry their own picnic blanket – how’s that for ‘reality’) – she tells him she wants him to meet her. I’m a little confused as to how Emily could place so much importance on the decision of whether or not to let these guys meet her and then give so little last minute thought to preparing Ricki for it. Wouldn’t you want to tell her you’re bringing the guy home? For the record, I think I would have been comfortable either way. I think Ricki would have trusted Emily’s judgment and liked anyone Emily brought home to her. Clearly Emily and Jeff weren’t the only nervous ones, because I could just see Ricki ten years from now, laughing at every little thing a boy she likes says or does. Hopefully by that point, Emily will stop talking baby talk to her in public. All in all though, it was a good day and Jef, as expected, was perfect for Ricki and totally aces his time with her.
That night, they chilled in Jef’s room, accompanied only by a random grilled pineapple on the coffee table with no plates, forks, or napkins to actually consume it with and spent the whole night thanking each other back and forth. When Jef presented his gift to her, I have to admit I was a little bit disappointed. Really? A book about Curacao? Did you bump into Arie in the gift shop buying his box when you picked up that bad boy? But then, in true Jef style, the book opens to reveal his tiny, adorable, hilarious drawings that are just utterly, completely Jef and I am left longing for a book from my husband on Costa Rica or Italy or any of the places we’ve been. My husband who was so hardcore Team Arie from the beginning that I think it’s safe to say he’s been wooed at this point, doesn’t get the fascination with Jef that has swept the nation. Ask any girl who watches this show and they’ll remember not Kalen’s helicopter, or even Arie’s hot kisses (well, fine maybe them a bit). But Jef’s marionettes and stick figures? Those they’ll remember. We’re simple folk, really.
Cut to the live studio audience, and Chris chooses a lovely assortment of viewers, (lip herpes free of charge) to give us their expert opinions on Emily’s choice and then we’re back to the show.
I have to say, and I think all would agree with me here, that I am very proud of Emily for how she has conducted herself on the show. She has really made all her own rules, been very respectful of each of the guys and made the decisions that are best for her and Ricki throughout the season. I am SO glad we did not have to watch her endure a date with Arie, especially since we would have had to watch him trying to hump her leg in confusion as to why she wasn’t reciprocating like normal. I was a bit surprised that Emily was so quick to decide Jef was the one before even giving Arie a final chance, but if she knew, then she knew, right?
Poor Arie. There is nothing worse than the foreshadowing of awkwardness. I don’t know if I felt worse for him or us, having to watch him frolic around the garden picking flowers for his stupid love potion. Seriously? Shame.
When Emily sat down to do the deed, my heart was just breaking for him. He was so concerned for her and I think even as she sat there bawling, he was trying to comfort him with no idea that he was about to be let go. I think the only one that took it harder than Arie, was my husband and you could actually see in Arie’s face the moment he realized it was over. As they hugged goodbye, you could hear their little hearts beating ferociously. Though it was hard to watch, I have no doubts Arie is going to bounce right back. He’s already proven he can make out like a champion and I’m sure he already has a lineup of women waiting to be kissed on all their lips. As long as he doesn’t bring them home to meet his family, he should be good to go.
So the final date of the season occurs between Jeff and Neil Lane (who personally, I would give my final rose (or flower) to for any one of those rocks) and we’re off to the races.
It’s no surprise that Emily’s finale dress was one of the worst of the season – I’m not sure why but they usually are (I’m still traumatized by the capes from Ben’s season). I mean to begin with, anyone – even a blonde, is taking a risk with the colour peach. But that asymmetrical detail and nude figure skating cut-outs – why Emily? Why???? Jeff made up for Emily’s hideous attire by looking totally sharp in his suit, but clearly both of them never got the memo that the final rose ceremony wasn’t taking place on a hilltop, or the beach like normal, but rather in a motel parking lot where mismatched shutters are collected before they’re sent to landfill. WTF?
The whole set-up was so awkward, but I guess it was a good fit for the most awkward expression of love to-date this season. While Jef did make up for the moment, with the litany of skillfully-crafted words we’ve grown to expect from him that pretty much reach right into our souls, Emily’s speech to him – well – it sucked balls. It was over in like one second, oddly cheerful at points and that kiss that sealed the deal could not have been more awkward. I think this moment was the most unnatural one they’ve shared the whole season, no? And why were they standing so far apart? Were they practicing for the future when Ricki is always coming between them? The only thing more awkward than that whole moment was when Ricki burst onto the scene in the most contrived, made for TV moment at a child’s expense ever. Utterly ridiculous. She runs over, Jef’s like ‘hey Ricki’, she practically yells ‘Daddy!’ and the three of them walk off together out of the dumpster. Sorry, love the show but that was BRUTAL.
No matter though, because honestly, how can anything be wrong in the world when you have the musical accompaniment of one of the greatest songs of all time? Busting out Peter Cetera? Never saw that coming. Brilliant. It’s only a matter of time now before some producer grabs hold of that gem and the next thing you know Flo Rida’s doing a remix. Was I singing out loud? Damn right I was. Was I crying? Puh-leeze. Obviously.
As the romantic montage comes to a close and I am hoping and praying it turns into a Chicago medley, we are transported to After the Final Rose. I won’t spend too much time on this because a) I really need to do some work and b) what is there really to say? Thrilled to report that the happy couple is, well, happy. I find it a bit funny that Emily’s already letting herself go after finally snagging a boyfriend. Bad flat iron job and zits on her chin and upper lip? Ryan would not be pleased one bit. Nice to see Jef has adopted some of her beauty routines by wearing about a pound of foundation. Clearly the producers didn’t have much to cover off in the episode either because I found it totally unnecessary for them to make us watch the proposal twice in less than an hour (I know, right????
Arie was to be expected – looked hot, but still hurt, and a stand-up guy regardless. I think he has taken being sloppy seconds better than any previous contestant, which is a testament to his own adorableness and also to Jef’s character since the two remain great friends (awkward, much?). I am just thankful that Emily didn’t read his journal out loud or anything. To be honest, I would be more than happy to switch out Roberto, the upcoming Bachelor for Arie any day.
The episode ended with a nice plug for Jef’s company People Water and Chris Harrison utterly confused by the idea of Emily and Jef getting married. Um…isn’t that what people do when they get engaged? I mean I know it’s been a while since he’s been in the saddle, but really?
So here we are. Spent from another season of romance, clichés, unfinished meals, sexual tension and Single Mom Barbie’s happily ever after. Normally this is the part where I beg you not to forgot me and promise I’ll be an über-blogger every five minutes between seasons and by the time the next Bachelor rolls around you’ll be so sick of me…and then I disappear into the place where all wanna-be writers go with no real deadlines to push them. So I’m happy to report that this time, there will be no gaps. Instead of saying ‘only time will tell’, I can say ‘See ya later, bitches!’ and get that new bottle of wine ready for tonight’s festivities – It’s time to change this Pad people, and I ain’t talking about that time of the month!
Exes and Ohs and…Out!
Tags: Emily Maynard, the bachelorette