Your favorite bickering non-couple is back! Will Tensai and Abraham Washington be reprimanded for their racist/tasteless actions, or are public apologies enough these days? Let’s find out!
Vince McMahon announces the new General Manager of Smackdown: Booker T! Booker thanks Vince and the Board of Directors for the opportunity and gets interrupted by Alberto del Rio, who kisses the new GM’s ass. Booker’s not buying it and out comes Sheamus. Booker says that del Rio will indeed compete tonight despite saying he wouldn’t wrestle until Summerslam….and his opponent is Randy Orton! As for Sheamus, he will face Tensai right now.
Kelly: Hello ladies and gentlemen! Who’s ready for another episode of Smackdown, and all the stupid shit we say about it?
Mike: I am! I am! And here comes Vinnie Mac!
Kelly: I managed to avoid reading spoilers about the new GM…let’s see who it is.
Mike: Please not Michael Cole…please not Michael Cole….
Kelly: Knowing how little WWE cares about the Blue Brand, it’ll be Swoggle…or Booker T. Tomato, to-mah-to.
Mike: Shucky ducky, quack quack.
Kelly: Um. Yeah.
Mike: Uh oh, he thanked “Vince.” Gotta stay in kayfabe, Booker! He’s “Mr. McMahon.”
Kelly: Everyone’s already tuned out, so no worries. Here’s Alberto del Rio!
Mike: Bet he’s gonna say he’s not gonna wrestle until Summerslam. I also bet he’ll wind up having a match tonight anyway.
Kelly: Bet you’re right.
Mike: According to del Rio, Sheamus grew up IN a fat, red-headed hooligan. That’s either a botch or some odd Irish custom I’m not aware of.
Kelly: His ears must have been burning, because thar’ she blows…Sheamus is in the building.
Mike: Well of course he’s in the building. He has to wrestle, you see.
Kelly: I’m going to remind you of that line the next time you make fun of how boring I am.
Mike: Reminder in 3, 2, 1…..
Kelly: Remember that time you said something really boring about Sheamus being in the building?
Sheamus vs Tensai
Mike: Speaking of boring, here comes Albert. He even gets a chance to throw in a promo in Japanese. I wonder if he said something un-PC about the Irish.
Kelly: I need another beer.
Mike: Good job reinforcing a stereotype.
Kelly: Tensai is so shiny.
Mike: Tensai no-sells some early Sheamus offense.
Kelly: Some punches, some bitch slaps, and now Sheamus is pissed.
Mike: I wonder who out there was clamoring for this match. “I wish I could see what would happen if Sheamus faced that guy whose name once referenced a dick piercing.”
Kelly: It’s not often that you say something I find so funny that I feel I need to point it out and inflate your ego even more.
Mike: Actually, it’s quite often. Look at that gross welt on Tensai’s gut!
Kelly: Yuck. I’m not used to seeing a handprint that bad on a man. Zing.
Mike: It looks like Tyson Kidd is trying to escape from his large intestine.
Kelly: Either I’m buzzed, or you’re on a roll. My vote is for the former.
Mike: Electric chair drop attempt from Sheamus?!
Kelly: Jesus. Tensai just plummeted to the ground thanks to Sheamus!
Mike: Wow! What a power slam to Tensai! That’s like lifting two men! You know, because he ate Tyson.
Kelly: Absolutely effortless.
Mike: Brogue Kick off a missed charge in the corner!
Kelly: Not a terrible match, considering I have yet to really enjoy a Tensai match since he left EXW.
Mike: Mmmm….Eve backstage with Booker T. I got a position open for her.
Mike: What? I was gonna say missionary.
Kelly: Teddy Long shakes Booker’s hand, giving away the job that Eve was flaunting her tits for (that of Senior Adviser).
Antonio Cesaro w/ Aksana vs Santino Marella
Kelly: Antonio Cesaro in the ring with Aksana…did Cole just insult the Republican party? Is he allowed to do that?
Mike: Antonio just said hello to everyone in 5 languages….and that gets him heel heat?
Kelly: Santino is his opponent. Well, this is easy.
Mike: We saw this match last week.
Kelly: We didn’t. You did. Holy balls, Orton is back?
Mike: What the fuck is wrong with you? Santino faced Cesaro last week and Orton returned this past Monday.
Kelly: Hm. All the episodes I missed because I was unpacking everything I’ve ever owned. Damn.
Mike: Santino hits the Cobra but Antonio’s foot is under the ropes.
Kelly: Antonio quickly wraps it up, defeating Santino.
Mike: Please have their next encounter for the United States Championship so we can get that belt off Santino.
Matt Striker is backstage with Daniel Bryan. First, we recap his mental breakdown before Bryan tells the audience he wants them to stop chanting “Yes!” Good luck with that, pal.
Kelly: Matt Striker is backstage talking to Daniel Bryan’s angry eyebrows.
Mike: Here’s our Daniel Bryan mental breakdown recap with Lifetime Movie Network background music.
Kelly: I see they’re finally doing something about the crowd’s “Yes!” chants.
Mike: Embracing it?
Kelly: But you and I both know it was silly for a heel to be so over, and those chants proved it.
Mike: I like his new “No!” shirt.
Chris Jericho, Christian, and Kane vs The Miz, Dolph Ziggler, and Daniel Bryan
Kelly: We get some Jericho tonight!
Mike: Yes, but along with Jericho we’re stuck with The Miz and Vickie Guerrero’s voice.
Kelly: Hey, my voice can be pretty obnoxious, too. Can I have a job with WWE?
Mike: In that case, I got a position for you, too.
Kelly: Oh boy.
Mike: What? I was gonna say on my…..
Kelly: So, the match begins…
Mike: ….column next week. What did you think I meant?
Kelly: Oh, that!
Mike: The faces are in control as Kane hits his flying clothesline for two on Daniel Bryan.
Kelly: Bryan finally turns the tables and tags Miz in, only for Miz to end up on his back.
Mike: Maryse must’ve been feeling frisky.
Kelly: You know it, girl. Dolph taunts long enough to distract Jericho, allowing Miz to gain the upper hand.
Mike: Miz continues to dominate through he commercial break as he trades tags with his teammates to punish Christian.
Kelly: Christian gets fired up…only for a moment until Dolph silences him.
Mike: Christian prevents a running clothesline from The Miz in the turnbuckle and tags in Jericho!
Kelly: Bryan is also tagged in, and the momentum shifts. The ring is slowly being cleared…Miz getting rid of Kane, Christian getting rid of Miz…
Mike: Legit Walls of Jericho on Daniel Bryan! Ziggler tries to interfere but eats a Codebreaker! DB rolls up Y2J for the win!
Kelly: YES! NO! YES! NO?
Mike: I loved that little exchange with the fan. DUCK SEASON! WABBIT SEASON!
Kelly: And heeeeeeere’s Randy.
Mike: Striker called Orton’s disappearance a “two month layoff.” Ha.
Kelly: So we have the Champ opening the show, and the watered-down merch-seller closing it. Boy, I have not missed that logic.
Jinder Mahal vs Ryback
Kelly: Jinder Mahal…think this is the right time to grab a beer.
Mike: Why? He’s facing Ryback. You won’t have time.
Kelly: Then I just set a world record. Ew. His red eye makes me twitch. I’ve had to “diagnose” too many cases of pink eye in my life.
Mike: I’d say that sounds exciting, but I don’t like lying to you.
Kelly: It’s not exciting. It was gross. Which was my point. Genius.
Mike: Mahal escapes AGAIN. God damn it, come back and job!
Kelly: Like a good bitch.
R-Truth w/ Kofi Kingston vs Darren Young w/ AW and Titus O’Neil
Mike: I hope the WWE has learned their lesson about giving Abraham Washington a live headset…..and just as I say that, he comes out with a live headset. Good grief.
Kelly: I hate that guy. Like, a lot.
Mike: I miss Rosa. Why aren’t Epico and Primo involved in this?
Kelly: Because no one cares.
Mike: Titus gets involved and Kofi takes him down! He chases AW out of the arena and the two-on-one works in Darren’s favor as he picks up the win.
Kelly: Nice and quick. Just how I like my god-awful matches.
Mike: Is that what you call what goes on in your bedroom?
Kelly: Hell no, you know better than that. You’ve seen the videos.
Mike: That was YOU with the horse?
Kelly: Wrong video. Kinky Kelly was the donkey that time.
We get a recap of last Monday’s main event, followed by some lame Touts. Layla congratulates Booker T in his office, but gets interrupted by Cody Rhodes and his backhanded compliments. Booker puts Cody in a match with Sin Cara next week.
Kelly: Yay, it’s Summerslam time. Now I can get more cups at 7-11 that I’ll never use again.
Mike: SummerFest, dear.
Kelly: Ah yes.
Mike: Damn Touts. Yes, Josh, the WWE wants to hear from us. After all, they did invest big time in the development of the app.
Kelly: I’m a female. I’m not capable of being concise, so Tout is not for me.
Mike: Layla made her obligatory appearance backstage and here’s Cody Rhodes, sucka.
Kelly: And now it’s time for our main event. Yawn.
Randy Orton vs Alberto del Rio w/ Ricardo Rodriguez
Mike: I can’t see this one ending clean. Orton just came back and del Rio is being pushed to the moon.
Kelly: I hope all hell breaks loose. But it’ll end with an easy RKO. You know, because it’s Randy.
Mike: Are you randy for Randy?
Kelly: Stop that! I’ve already stated that fake-brown is not what gets me goin’.
Mike: Unless it’s a Palomino.
Kelly: So the action has already moved outside of the ring and back in the time it’s taken Mike to argue whether or not Randy gives me wood.
Mike: Randy Gives Me Wood would be a great racehorse name.
Kelly: Judging by the pics you send me when you’re drunk, you’re small enough to be a jockey. Make it happen, boo.
Mike: The camera takes away 5 inches!
Kelly: Uh-huh. So the back and forth in this match is pretty intense. Just sayin’.
Mike: It’s mostly del Rio working over Randy’s back. Which totally comes in handy when your submission involves the arm.
Kelly: Ha! Well, Ricardo jumps in once again and it’s a DQ, but it ain’t over.
Mike: I call an RKO to Rodriguez.
Kelly: Wrong. Sheamus helps Randy out and shoves del Rio into the ring where he eats an RKO.
Mike: Well a Mexican DID eat canvas, so I was half-right.
Kelly: I’ll just go ahead and ask this time…final thoughts?
Mike: Good tag match, decent opener from Sheamus, meh everything else.
Kelly: Randy’s obscure crew-cut-mohawk-monstrosity kind of distracted from the match, but I didn’t think it was terrible. It was long enough that it made its point, but short enough that I’m still alive.
Mike: That’s what she said!
Mike: Folks, I’ve got a minor announcement to make. Next week’s Stomping Ground is going to be run by my co-host here at the Smackdown Breakdown, Miss Kelly Floyd!
Kelly: So, feel free to skip next week’s edition!
Mike: Don’t skip it! I need the hits!
Kelly: Yeah, yeah. Just tune in, read it, tell me I’m great, and that’ll be your good deed for the day. Win-win.
Mike: So long…
Kelly: And thanks for all the fish.
Tags: abraham washington, aksana, alberto del rio, Antonio Cesaro, Booker T, chris jericho, christian, Cody Rhodes, Daniel Bryan, Darren Young, Dolph Ziggler, Eve, Intercontinental Championship, Jinder Mahal, Josh Mathews, kane, Kelly Floyd, Kofi Kingston, Layla, Lillian Garcia, Little Jimmy, Matt Striker, Michael Cole, Mike Gojira, R-Truth, randy orton, Ricardo Rodriguez, ryback, Santino Marella, sheamus, Smackdown, Teddy Long, Tensai, The Miz, titus o'neil, Tyson Kidd, United States Championship, Vickie Guerrero, vince mcmahon, World Heavyweight Championship, WWE