Bachelor Pad 3 – Episode 3-3 Review – “A Sick, Deceptive, Place”

There are a lot of terrible shows on TV. I mean, I’ve seen a few minutes of that one where Pauly D and other non-celebrities date hot women, so I know what’s out there. But Bachelor Pad is easily the most offensive programming on my schedule, so allow me a moment of hyperbole when I say IT IS THE WORST SHOW EVER!!!

I mean, really. Does anyone even care about the “strategy” and voting on this show? These people make even the worst Survivor players look like Mensa members.

Wanna Get Dirrty?

After some mindless chatter and drama about the vote, we got into this week’s competition. The contestants would be competing as  random couples, and they got to leave Casa Chlamydia to do so. The challenge was an obstacle course called “Hot Sludge Sundae”, and I expected everyone to do well since I’m pretty sure they’re all familiar with being covered in whipped cream.

Kalon, of course, had to make a crack about Erica Rose’s weight after getting randomly partnered with her. Klassy Kalon strikes again! What an ass.

Jamie was the fastest girl through the course, and Jaclyn finished dead last. I guess that bad attitude was weighing her down.

Once the guys hit the course, it came down to Ed, Stag and David. Ed benefited from Jamie’s lead but lost it pretty quickly – Stag and David had a photo finish, and I just can’t believe that anyone cares enough about these competitions to go review the tape. Just flip a coin or something, Harrison – it’s no less arbitrary than the actual competition.

It turned out that Newbie David won by a nose. His partner had been Rachel, so they both received roses and dates – good news for Stag, since we all knew Rachel would give him a rose on the date.

Date Dealing

Everyone was threatened by Dave, especially Jaclyn. “The dude studied the game for like, ten years before he came here,” she moaned. Um, try again? “The dude studied the game before the game even existed,” she said. Better, Jaclyn, but I doubt Dave was running around in hot fudge in his backyard ten years ago.

But Dave had a rose to give away, so the gals were sucking up to him left and right. He chose Blakely, Erica and Jamie for this date – three desperate girls, which was fitting for a prom themed date. This show is so high school, every date should be prom themed.

Can we talk about how hideous everyone looked? Did they buy those dresses at Forever 21 Junior? Only Jamie looked good – that’s the same dress Zooey Deschanel wore on an episode of New Girl.  But that feathered monstrosity on Erica Rose? Brutal.

Dave was obviously flirting with Jamie, and when she broke out the sick mom story I knew she was a shoe-in for the rose. Even if Blakely wanted her voted off. Despite pressure from Blakely, Dave stuck to his guns and gave Jamie the rose.

Party Rock

Ugh. These people are so gross. While prom was happening, everyone at the house was partying in the pool, or having sex in a blanket fort. Yeah. That happened – Ed and Jaclyn, which was no surprise.

Wax Poetic

Time for Rachel’s date. She took Nick, Tony and (of course) Stag. Because no one ever just, like, goes for dinner, the foursome were forced to pretend to be wax figures while Bachelor fans were filed in to insult them. As if anyone from The Bachelor is famous enough to have their own exhibit at Madame Tussaud’s.

But seriously – I would have just wanted to run around the wax museum having fun and posing with wax celebrities. I’d be all over Anderson Cooper. Anyway, everyone startled some “fans” and then Rachel gave the rose to Stag. I can’t believe Tony was annoyed – come on, dude, didn’t you know she was crazy into him?

Sad Sacks

Poor Dave. Right after giving Jamie a rose, she’s donning chandalier earrings and a bikini and asking a mopey Chris if he’s playing hard to get. Sigh. Jamie! He is a scuzzbag! Also, you will never ever win a guy buy whinging at him and asking if he’s playing hard to get. Not sexy, sweetie.

“Strategy” Time

Sigh. With the dates over, there was still 45 minutes of show left over for all the meaningless talk about strategy and backstabbing. Am I really supposed to care about Ed and Reid? I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I miss the likes of Wes, Gia, Vienna and Jake.

The guys were either voting for Donna or Blakely. Donna, of course, was panicked. Not because she wants to win the money – because Donna didn’t want to leave the Bachelor Pad house without hooking up with someone. She at least got some making out with Nick in before everyone cast their votes. Where is this girl’s self esteem? Didn’t she have a mother???

The girls appeared to be voting for either Reid or Ed. That made Jaclyn cry, and because I can’t stand Jaclyn, I was mildly interested in what was going on. But seriously, fellow Bachelor Pad viewers, do you find it difficult to watch this stuff? I have to be doing at least two other things while this show is on. My other tasks include: Reading Twitter, playing Words With Friends, painting my nails, online shopping, reading magazines and occasionally sleeping.

Donna and Reid were eliminated. Ho hum. Should I care? I can’t say that I do.


Join our newsletter

never miss the latest news, reviews, live event coverage, audio podcasts, exclusive interviews and commentary for Movies, TV, Music, Sports, Comics, Video Games!