Greetings, hello and welcome. Do you have this thing where you watch wrestling shows and pay per views and you have this sinking feeling like there should be more? Well you’ve come to the right place and this leads me perfectly to my coverage of Summer Slam (I’m still considering it to be two words because WEE is set on capitalizing both S’s).
Pre-Show United States Championship match: Santino(c) vs Antonio Cesaro
Just like I called it last week, we got a title change and probably done so in an attempt to guilt fans into watching in order to not miss important changes. However, in order for that to happen, WWE has to establish the US belt as something important and it’s hard to do that when a participant (and title holder) showcases his snake-sock in his butt (affectionately called “The Brown Snake” by Joel Leonard). Cesaro has the belt now, maybe he can make something out of himself and make something out of the championship itself in the process.
Dolph Ziggler vs Chris Jericho
I know some people were upset that this officially kicked off the show but if WWE is really gonna try to create crowd interest at the opening of their PPV’s, they might as well use a match that is actually something that interests all of us. And it’s not like they had many other options in this slot because the Heavyweight match put everyone to sleep (some literal cases) and this match was guaranteed greatness which we didn’t know for sure with Bryan and Kane. But all that being said, this match met my high expectations and I’m glad we got to see it before Jericho went back on tour. It’s one of those situations where it doesn’t even matter to me who actually won.
Daniel Bryan vs Kane
I’m glad for this match and I was pleased how it turned out so much to the point where I wouldn’t mind a continued feud between these two (even though Bryan’s presence is sorely missed in the Heavyweight picture). But my happiness with this match gets shadowed by my relief of no Charlie Sheen involvement at all but I hold to my worries now that AJ announced that Daniel Bryan will attend anger management.
Intercontinental Championship Match: The Miz(c) vs Rey Mysterio
Okay, let me get this out the way first: I thought Miz looked really good in this match, Rey Mysterio…meh.
But the important part is how terrible that Batman costume was terribly lazy. The guy threw on a black shirt, black pants, put horns on his mask and the Bacardi logo on the back of his head and called it Batman. At that point, I would’ve deemed George Clooney’s nipple suit more acceptable than that. I get it, Mysterio likes to do the super hero thing at Wrestlemania and since he missed it this year, Summer Slam gets it. I’m not knocking that theme, I actually like it (except for the awkward Avatar year) but most of his costumes looked like they took considerable effort. The Batman, not so much. And I’m not speaking out of my hatred for Mysterio but more out of being a hardcore Batman fan.
World Heavyweight Championship Match: Sheamus(c) vs Alberto Del Rio
This match put Joel to sleep and if I had space on the couch, I would’ve done the same. That’s literally all I have to say about this garbage.
Tag Team Championship Match: R-Boom(c) vs Prime Time Players
I’ve said many times and I’ll say it again, the best tag teams in the company were not in the match (The Colons and The Usos) and PTP matches are turning into “let’s awkwardly make it look like AW never existed.” It felt like PTP were planned to win at SS but one has to be think that AW ruined that for the time being.
WWE Championship Triple Threat Match: CM Punk(c) vs John Cena vs Big Show
If you told me a week ago that my main complaint about this match would be the ending and that I would be approving of Big Show’s performance, I would tell you do to unfavorable things to yourself with various taxidermied rodents. I enjoyed the way this match was carried out, basically as a King of the Hill situation with Big Show trying to keep the other wrestlers out. I believe this match told a really great story but my only complaint (believe me, it’s minor) is the double ending. If the match had either ending by itself, I would’ve been completely happy but both seems like a bit much. Besides, I felt like with Big Show taping out, he should’ve been excluded from the restart because had he won, everyone would’ve cried foul. But I understand the ending that we got because it managed Punk getting the win without defeating Cena and it sets up the one-on-one they’re now teasing for Night of Champions.
Brock Lesnar vs HHH
Just like I said after Brock and Cena, this was not a wrestling match. This was HHH trying to wrestle while Brock did some competitive hugging masked as the Kemora Lock (who else got tired of seeing that hold?). It felt like Brock was in a video game controlled by a rat-bastard kid that only used the same moves over and over again on you and yet he still beats you and proceeds to tea-bag you mercilessly and you start to feel bad about yourself and your abilities that you thought made you special (that wasn’t at all a personal experience from playing games online. Why do you ask?). The match ended like I thought it would, Brock now has momentum to carry himself as a monster and I don’t believe neither man is hanging it up here. However, I’d rather not have to see this again.
Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do twice,
Chris
The Answer:
I’m leaving to Orlando, Florida for Celebration VI where I get to see Mark Hamill and Kevin Smith…be jealous.
