The Stomping Ground: A Very Special Obnoxious Summerslam Breakdown

Opening Salvo
Mike: Ladies and gentlemen, do not adjust your web browsers! You have not stumbled upon a mis-titled edition of our weekend recap of Smackdown!
Kelly: I’m sure you can expect the same nonsense, but this time we’re free of recapping! We get to just talk shit…er…discuss…SummerSlam!
Mike: Which is pretty much what we do every weekend, so…yeah.
Kelly: …shhh.
Mike: Some would say I am lazy for traveling down the same road as my contemporaries this week by going on and on about Sunday’s PPV.
Kelly: And they’d be right.
Mike: And they would most certainly be right.
Kelly: Shall we begin?
Mike: We shall! Cue drum roll!
Kelly: No.
Mike: Okay then.

United States Championship: Santino Marella vs Antonio Cesaro
Mike: First match of the evening: the United States Championship match.
Kelly: Which no one saw/cared about.
Mike: Ironic, given that the only noteworthy event of the night happened for free on Youtube.
Kelly: Right? Explain that logic.
Mike: Three letters: WWE.
Kelly: Ugh. But l guess it has potential to be good. Maybe they’ll actually do something with that belt.
Mike: Also ironic is that the match was the one thing I missed that night.
Kelly: I did, too. Something about pre-gaming was much more enticing.
Mike: Well, in any case congrats to Claudio Cesaro. And yes, I know what I did with his name.
Kelly: We’ll see.

Dolph Ziggler vs Chris Jericho

Mike: After that we got our first match of the PPV proper, Jericho and Ziggler.
Kelly: I love love loved that one.
Mike: That was the only bout I expected to be great, and it didn’t disappoint.
Kelly: I might be totally biased, considering I love Y2J as much as I do. But I felt like it was a super strong opener.
Mike: As most PPVs should have. I loved the old school Lion Tamer that ended the match. There was no legit way out of that move.
Kelly: I’ve noticed he’s using that almost exclusively now.
Mike: Well, not anymore. He’s “retired.”
Kelly: Wait…do I drink too much? I’M SICK OF MISSING EVERYTHING BECAUSE I’M A DRUNK.
Mike: You knew his contracted dates were up, kid. Besides, he lost to Dolph on Raw and had his contract terminated.
Kelly: Damn Raw. Comin’ on all late and junk now.
Mike: It’s called a DVR. And Youtube. And PULSE WRESTLING RECAPS.
Kelly: I TRY.
Mike: Do or do not; there is no try.
Kelly: Yes, Master Yoda.

Daniel Bryan vs Kane

Mike: Daniel Bryan vs Kane! Discuss!
Kelly: I actually liked this one, too. Call me crazy!
Mike: I’m not feeding into that joke.
Kelly: That was no joke.
Mike: Your tastes in men are. BA ZING!
Kelly: …says the man who I was last romantically linked to. Hubba hubba.
Mike: This was a nothing match. It was mostly Kane lumbering around, abusing DB, until he got the upset victory. And no Sheen.
Kelly: I don’t know, I was interested. Maybe I just like the two. Maybe it was the non-wrestling fan I brought with me who was buzzing a little bit while watching. Who knows.
Mike: Ah, you had a hostage. Or as you call it, a “date.”
Kelly: Hey, my pickup techniques are my business.

Intercontinental Championship: The Miz vs Rey Mysterio

Mike: The Intercontinental title defense.
Kelly: Filler.
Mike: I thought it was decent…for a Raw match.
Kelly: Let’s face it. Miz wrestled because he’s the champ. Rey Mysterio wrestled because he’s Rey Mysterio. Done.
Mike: Actually, he was dressed as Batmanuel at the PPV.
Kelly: Actually, that was the best part! I love what a Batman mark he seems to be. Though, the Joker outfit from ‘Mania 25 was the best.
Mike: Hmmm….actually, now that I think about it, he might be a bigger South Park fan. Rey Mysterio + superhero costume + question mark on outfit = MYSTERION! I knew it!
Kelly: OH MY GOD. I NEVER KNEW!!
Mike: And all this time I thought Kenny was Mysterion.
Kelly: This is why Pulse is the best. We bring you the inside scoop on EVERYTHING.
Mike: Wait…it could never have been Kenny. He’s too busy badmouthing John Cena on Twitter.
Kelly: …and you took it a step too far.

World Heavyweight Championship: Sheamus vs Alberto del Rio

Mike: Next we have Sheamus defending against your Caramel Thunder.
Kelly: My man!
Mike: He got shafted, eh?
Kelly: Refresh my memory. My mind has just been blown learning that an FSW wrestler was in a backstage segment that night, and I totally missed it.
Mike: Sheamus pulled del Rio’s foot off the rope as Mike Chioda counted the pin.
Kelly: Oh RIGHT! What the hell was that?
Mike: THAT was an excuse to keep del Rio in the title picture so we can add Randy Orton to it.
Kelly: I figured about continuing the feud, but do you really think they’ll throw Orton in?
Mike: Most assuredly. And then he’ll go and film “12 Rounds II: The Search for More Money”.
Kelly: Ha!
Mike: If they’re so pressed for good heels in the Smackdown title scene, why not go with Rhodes or the returning Barrett?
Kelly: There’s that darn logic again.

WWE Tag Team Championship: Kofi Kingston and R-Truth vs The Primetime Players
Mike: The Primetime Players seemed a bit…neutered on Sunday.
Kelly: I completely zoned out on that match. I mean, who, the hell, CARES.
Mike: Not the higher-ups, that’s for damn sure. With Kofi and R-Truth’s new matching attire, it was a given that they’d retain.
Kelly: This is almost more boring to talk about than it was to watch.
Mike: I’d like to pop you in the mouth right now.
Kelly: I bet you would. Perv.

WWE Championship Triple Threat: CM Punk vs John Cena vs Big Show
Mike: The WWE Championship match.
Kelly: I don’t really know what to say about that one. It was…okay?…for what it was.
Mike: I honestly did not even give a quarter of a shit. We all knew what was going to happen…except for that false finish.
Kelly: Yeah that ended up being completely pointless. Not to mention the continuity flaws (which I know, is a lot to ask for). AJ’s entrance was longer than the restarted match.
Mike: And Big Show should have been eliminated! He tapped to both men! I mean, I get that they wanted Punk to steal the win but there was no need for the submission double tap out. If that’s even a thing.
Kelly: I remember one PPV…Breaking Point? Survivor Series? Something? Where there were two men with a submission placed on a third, who tapped, and the ref’s hands were tied. DUMB.
Mike: I think it may have involved Jack Swagger or someone to that effect.
Kelly: Don’t know. Don’t care. I just know it happened. Or, didn’t happen, really.
Mike: In any case, now we have a full Punk heel turn. Yes, CB; that’s a FULL HEEL TURN. There’s no tweener shit about it. He attacked the face commentator from behind. Michael Cole is on Punk’s side. He’s officially a heel.
Kelly: That’s a more fitting role for him, but I still don’t know how I feel about it
Mike: I prefer smarmy heel Punk, not whiny “I demand respect” Punk. But we’ll see where this goes.
Kelly: Indeed.

Brock Lesnar vs Triple H
Mike: The “Butt Kicker” vs “The Game.”
Kelly: Don’t even get me started. I’m sick of these nostalgic stars coming in and cleaning house.
Mike: The fight against Cena was more vicious and brutal than what we got on Sunday.
Kelly: And the pathetic “I’m sorry” Trips was absurd.
Mike: Not one person gave two shits about it.
Kelly: Well what is WWE’s market right now? Kids. Do these youngsters have any idea who the hell Lesnar is? They barely know Triple H anymore!
Mike: If you were to ask me my Top Twenty Superstars of the Attitude Era, he’d barely break the list. I have never been a fan of his work.
Kelly: Which one?
Mike: Triple H, of course. Brock was post-Attitude.
Kelly: Oh. That’s what I get for skimming.

Miscellaneous/Closing Thoughts

Mike: How about that Kevin Rudolf “concert”?
Kelly: You mean the thing they put in lieu of a a Divas match simply to feature the Divas sluttin’ it up?
Mike: Yeah, THAT. And how about Fred “I want to be relevant again” Durst flipping off the camera? The WWE’s response: cut out the SOUND. Brilliant work, Mr. Dunn.
Kelly: Ha! That was silly. But more so because I recognized Durst, for whatever reason.
Mike: He did it all for the nookie, you know.
Kelly: Apparently.
Mike: Final thoughts?
Kelly: I’m sure I could dig some up, but the monsoon is getting so bad here, I fear I may lose power in the process.
Mike: CB summed it up best when he said this in his recap: “Knowing everything that transpired, would you want to watch this again? And if you would, how much of it would you skip?” Just a very “blah” show for me.
Kelly: That man has a way with words that I’ll never understand.
Mike: Catch us this weekend in our usual stint as we cover the post-Summerslam Smackdown.
Kelly: Sure to be better than the PPV itself…right? Right?
Mike: I’m praying to the Flying Spaghetti Monster that it will be.

So long, and thanks for all the fish.

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