Mike Gojira’s Not-So-Live WWE Smackdown Report 8.24.12 (Orton vs del Rio)

Kelly Floyd’s rather busy this weekend, so to make up for it I guess you can check out our Summerslam rant. You know, if you want to.

I’d like to thank Penny Sautereau-Fife once again for her awesome job with the image she created for this column:

With the sappy stuff out of the way, let’s get right down to the post-Summerslam Smackdown action!

We open with a video package discussing the World Heavyweight Championship situation, which will be addressed tonight!

Here comes Randall Keith Orton, slithering his way to the ring. He throws out that stupid line of his, “My name is Randy Orton,” which gets a decent pop, before segueing into del Rio’s beef with his win on Monday night. Orton says he deserves a title shot against Sheamus (which obviously isn’t happening since he’s leaving to film another shitty John Cena sequel). Speaking of the jacked-up potato farmer, here comes the champ! He agrees with Orton and demands that the Viper get the next shot, but here comes Booker T to interrupt. He blows Orton’s anaconda by chatting up Randy’s achievements before bringing up Monday’s match. Aaaaaaand here’s Alberto del Rio to cry conspiracy. Booker decides to book a rematch from Raw, and the winner will be number one contender.

God, no. I think del Rio is great in the ring but his feud with Sheamus ran its course months ago. Why the fuck are we getting it again? And if you think Orton is winning tonight’s match or getting thrown into a Triple Threat, think again. He’s off to film a movie in a week or so. But I’m not telling you anything you didn’t already know.

Ryback vs Jinder Mahal
Teddy Long is at the commentator’s table since Josh Mathews is still “injured” at the hands of Kane’s off-camera throw at Summerslam. Remember kids: it’s always more devastating if you’re attacked off-screen. Just ask Shawn Michaels. And just like I can’t be bothered to recap the match, neither can the announce team as Cole tries to tease dissension in Booker’s administration. Ryback wins clean as Teddy tells Cole that there will be a new guest commentator for EVERY match tonight. Somewhere backstage William Regal and Matt Striker are consoling one another.

And so ends Jinder Mahal’s highest profile push yet. Next week: Jinder vs Heath Slater?

Alicia Fox vs Layla

Kaitlyn is our guest commentator now. Cole plays tabloid reporter as he says Natalya called Kaitlyn’s win on Monday a fluke. I suppose a botched clothesline attempt could count as a fluke. Kaitlyn breaks kayfabe by responding with “Natalya eliminated herself LAST NIGHT.” Silly girl, Smackdown is a Friday show, not a Tuesday one. Oh, and Layla wins. Eve comes out and holds up Kaitlyn and Layla’s arms in a show of good sportsmanship. Either that, or she’s showing that they regularly shave their armpits.

Once again, the match was ignored by the commentators. I hope the entire night isn’t filled with meaningless squashes.

Raw Recap of CM Punk’s HEEL TURN.

Dolph Ziggler and Vickie Guerrero chat it up backstage about defeating Chris Jericho and sending him off on his world tour. Sheamus interrupts and tells Dolph that a real man would announce when he’s cashing in, baiting Ziggler to cash in tonight. He doesn’t bite the hook, so Teddy Long pops in to tell them they have a match tonight…and Ziggler might be able to cash in afterward depending on the match’s outcome.

The Ziggler/Sheamus matches are quickly becoming just as tiresome as del Rio/Sheamus encounters. By the time he finally cashes in, who the hell will be clamoring for them to go at it again?

Sin Cara vs Heath Slater
Cody Rhodes is our guest commentator. Once again we have another squash as the commentators talk about Sin Cara: Behind the Mask. Ironically, Cody asks what would excite the WWE Universe these days. My answer: anything involving decent wrestling and good storylines. Rhodes interferes while the ref is distracted, literally turning Sin Cara’s mask backwards so that HEATH FUCKING SLATER picks up the victory. Shit; that’s quite an honor, as very few men have been put over Sin Cara since his debut. I guess that’s Slater’s present for jobbing to all those old-timers.

Again, the guest commentary idea is more distracting than anything else. Thank god it’s only for tonight.

Sheamus vs Dolph Ziggler
Vickie is on commentary. Joygasm. Dolph avoids Sheamus before charging right at him and into a hip toss. Ziggler fights back with a dropkick as Vickie insults AJ’s job as General Manager. For the record, Vickie’s breathless expressions every time Dolph counters or scores a near-fall make it sound like she’s having sex. This is NOT good play-by-play. Sheamus rallies back and hits White Noise, calling for the Brogue Kick. Dolph sees it coming and asks for the briefcase from Vickie. He nails Sheamus with it repeatedly, drawing the DQ. However, he decides to cash in…or not, once he sees the big man climb to his feet.


Wade Barrett promo.

Santino heads to the ring and tells everyone that he was United States Champion for 166 days…164 of which involved the title simply holding up his pants. Hey Santino, it’s only impressive if you DEFEND it. Marella appears to be losing his mind as he blames his sock puppet for his loss last Sunday…and a section of the crowd cheers. Santino quotes Rocky IV, but the Cold War has been over for some time now so it’s irrelevant. Aksana and Antonio Cesaro interrupt to say “Winner” in 5 languages. He has a new theme song…which sounds like a bad hip-hop song from the last decade. Santino attacks Cesaro and calls for the Cobra but it “gravitates” to Aksana.


Epico and Primo vs Kofi Kingston and R-Truth
I am denied my obligatory Rosa Mendes entrance because we return with her boys in the ring as the Primetime Players hit the commentary table. Titus O’Neil channels his best Booker T impression as he and Darren Young talk about R-Truth’s nappy hair (his words, not mine). Are they trying to get themselves fired for derogatory comments toward a fellow black man? R-Truth nails the Little Jimmy on Primo and that ends it.

That was a waste of time, as the commentators were more interested in teaching Michael Cole how to bark like a dog than anything else.

We get a commercial for The Day before we return to Matt Striker backstage with Kofi and Truth. They get interrupted by Epico, Primo, the Usos, the Primetime Players, Tyson Kidd, and Justin Gabriel, who all demand a title shot. We then get a pull-apart brawl before we cut to commercial.

WTF? Maybe if you actually BUILT UP your challengers, this would feel more important. The only reason we’re even getting this angle is because the titles will be defended at Night of Champions.

Booker T and Teddy Long are backstage discussing the brawl and Booker asks Long who deserves a title shot. Teddy doesn’t have an answer for him, but Eve shows up with a list of win-loss records (since when does THAT count?!) and a detailed account of who deserves a match with Kofi and Truth. Looks like she’s trying to make Long look inept.

Raw Recap of Brock Lesnar “quitting” and HBK’s crappy little send-off for his good buddy.

Surprisingly, the recap was kept brief.

Randy Orton vs Alberto del Rio
Sheamus is on commentary as del Rio works over Orton’s arm for most of the match. Randy makes his quick comeback, but del Rio continues the assault on the arm. Michael Cole actually name-drops del Rio’s pop, Dos Caras, in a nice bit of historical context. Vintage Orton as Randy drops del Rio with the second-rope DDT! He calls for the RKO but del Rio holds onto the ropes to avoid it. He locks in the Cross Arm Breaker and ORTON ACTUALLY TAPS OUT!!! Wow. I did NOT expect a tap out. Del Rio looked great in there, winning on account of skill rather than heel tactics (a nice change of pace). After the match he throws a shoe at Sheamus and Rodriguez gets involved, allowing del Rio to clock Sheamus with the other shoe. Ziggler runs to the ring to cash in but eats an RKO instead!

That was a good main event, despite the crap we were fed before it. The revolving guest commentator idea, while a novel concept, failed here and only served to distract from the matches. I suppose next week we’ll have Sheamus/Orton vs del Rio/Ziggler.

So long, and thanks for all the fish.

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