Mike Gojira’s Not-So-Live WWE Smackdown Report 8.31.12 (Orton vs Ziggler)

“The best-laid plans of Mike and Kelly…”

Due to a miscommunication, Kelly couldn’t make it tonight, but I’m still here to endure another edition of Friday Night Smackdown.

We start things off with Sheamus heading to the ring, sucking Triple H’s dick. We get it; he granted you your mega push, you don’t have to rub it in. He talks about how great Triple H was (is?) until Damien Sandow interrupts and calls the champ an ignoramus for praising a degenerate like Triple H. Sheamus offers to talk it out in the ring, but Sandow deems him unworthy and prepares to leave….until Booker T stops him to say that Sandow will wrestle Sheamus tonight!

This could be an interesting match, as I haven’t really seen much from Sandow other than his usual two-minute squashes. Then again, it could just be another squash for Sheamus.

Rey Mysterio vs Cody Rhodes
Josh Mathews says Rey has a lot in common with his young fans, and I’m inclined to agree. He is, after all, their height. We’re treated to a Rhodes promo about how people in masks are ugly and can’t be trusted. The announcers talk about how Rhodes want to expose Sin Cara as a false idol. I guess he’s the God of Botch? Rey goes for the 619 early but gets disconnected and that sends us to a commercial. We return with Cody still in control, hitting a front suplex and keeping Rey grounded with knees to the back. Rhodes goes for the mask but gets sent into the post. Rey manages to get in some token offense for a two count. Cody blocks another 619 but Rey rolls him up anyway for the win! Rhodes is livid as he assaults Rey and goes for the mask, but Sin Cara makes the save and sets Cody up for a 619, which finally connects! Sin Cara then puts a mask on Cody’s head.

I really don’t see how this helps either Sin Cara or Rhodes. Cody keeps losing his matches because he focuses on the mask, which makes no sense because we all know he will never unmask Sin Cara; the mask is his entire gimmick.

Kaitlyn vs Natalya
Eve is on commentary, looking quite scrumptious if I do say so myself. Natalya beats the holy hell out of Kaitlyn for most of this match as Eve actually praises Kaitlyn’s abilities. Nattie has Kaitlyn in a stretch in the center of the ring but she manages to escape. Her offense is short-lived as Nattie continues abuse her until Kaitlyn wins with a surprise roll-up.

Matt Striker meets backstage with Booker T as they discuss what happened on Raw between AJ and Vickie Guerrero. Booker says that AJ is out of her mind and Vickie shows up to say that everyone agrees that AJ is crazy. She spoke to the Board of Directors and they told her they’d take action soon.

That Divas match made Kaitlyn look like a fluke, and since she’s going up against another face at Night of Champions, I expect her to lose her first title shot.

Raw Rebound: CM Punk garners cheap heat by destroying Jerry Lawler. We then get a bunch of Tweets from marks and Superstars alike regarding their opinions of what went down. I’ve noticed the company has stopped using fan Touts. Could it be because it’s EMBARRASSING?!

Sheamus vs Damien Sandow
Time for the end of the first hour. Let’s see if Sandow can show me more than a cartwheel and neckbreaker. Sheamus goes in for the kill but Sandow gets to the ropes and yells for the ref to do his job. Sheamus grabs Damien by the beard and drags him out of the corner, but Sandow hits a cheap shot and escapes to the ropes again. I love the old school heel mentality on display here. Sheamus unloads on his foe and Sandow wisely escapes the ring. Sheamus follows and gets tossed right over the ring steps in a bizarre spot. It looked like Sheamus did a barrel roll over the steps. This allows Damien to take full advantage as Michael Cole name drops Killer Kowalski as Sandow’s mentor. Sheamus battles back but Damien escapes the ring AGAIN. We get the clubbing attack in the ropes for a two count. Sandow avoids the Irish Curse backbreaker and takes another breather on the outside. Sandow dodges White Noise AND the Brogue Kick and escapes from the ring for the count out loss.

Interesting to see the strategy used by Sandow, as he utilized his gimmick to the full extent. He is, after all, a bright and educated man, so it stands to reason that he would scout his opponent and do whatever possible to avoid Sheamus’s moves. It also makes the crowd hungry to see him get his just desserts down the road.

The Primetime Players vs Tyson Kidd and Justin Gabriel

What the FUCK are Tyson and Justin wearing? It’s some sort of horrendous matching neon green sleeveless shirt. Meanwhile, the Usos Tout about why they should be number one contenders and Epico and Primo Tweet their case. That’s using social media for ya. Don’t worry, guys; in three weeks you’ll forget about the titles and go back to dark matches and WWE Superstars. Anywho, Gabriel goes up top but gets knocked off by a distraction from Titus, allowing Darren Young to nail his finisher for the win.

There really wasn’t much to this match. I mean, the story is pretty simple as all four teams want a shot at Kofi and R-Truth, but again…it will all be dropped after Night of Champions ends.

Alberto del Rio heads to the ring to chat with Josh Mathews. He talks about beating Orton last week and Josh asks him how he feels about losing to Sheamus every time they’ve faced. Del Rio threatens to beat Josh up but Kane makes the save and apologizes to Josh for what he did at Summerslam (as part of his therapy). Teddy Long appears at the ramp and sets up del Rio vs Kane…right now!

Kane vs Alberto del Rio
Del Rio attacks Kane’s legs but the Big Red Machine overpowers him. Josh Mathews acts like a whiny bitch, saying he’s still affected by what Kane did to him. Hey, remember when Josh was on Tough Enough training to be a WRESTLER? Kane calls for a Choke Slam but Rodriguez distracts him long enough for del Rio to win with a Backstabber. Is it a prerequisite for Hispanic wrestlers to use that move as a finisher? Kane goes nuts and beats up Josh Mathews after the loss, apologizing all the way through it. The crowd hilariously chants, “Beat up Cole.”

The whole anger management thing is mildly interesting, but how long will THAT last?

Raw Rebound 2: Triple H is at a crossroads. For fifteen minutes.

Randy Orton vs Dolph Ziggler
These two have had good matches in the past, so it stands to reason that this will be no exception. Dolph gets shoulder tackled to the mat but counters with a nice drop kick; after which he struts around the ring. Dolph needs a clean win here, as Orton can take the loss and not lose any momentum because of it. Orton uses the ropes as leverage to nail a nice suplex for a two count. All the while Vickie screeches on the outside. Ziggler traps Randy in a headlock as the crowd chants for Orton. Dolph charges at Randy in the corner but misses, knocking himself silly so that Orton can hit his move set. The draping DDT is stopped but Orton manages to drag Ziggler to the top rope for a massive superplex that only gets two! Dolph hits a FameAsser out of nowhere for a two-and-a-half! ZigZag is reversed and Randy finally connects with his draping DDT! Orton throws Ziggler over the announce table as he tries to escape and the action winds up back in the ring, where another missed ZigZag attempt ends with an RKO!

That was a bit anticlimactic for an ending. In any case, the show overall was a hell of a lot more entertaining than last week. Hopefully Kelly can rejoin me next weekend.

So long, and thanks for all the fish.

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