I know; I can’t believe it either! Kelly Floyd is back at my side…er, at her computer in Arizona simultaneously with myself in New York, and it’s time to break down Smackdown!
God, that sounded terrible.
Alberto del Rio, Ricardo Rodriguez and David Otunga (with matching neck braces) are in the ring. They show footage of last year’s Night of Champions when Sheamus kicked Christian’s head off, then invite him to say a few words via satellite. He agrees that the Brogue Kick should be banned, but before he can remind everyone he’s a face, Otunga cuts off the feed. Daniel Bryan heads to the ring and says that he gets a Wrestlemania rematch tonight to prove that the Brogue Kick is the only thing that cost him that match.
Kelly: Ah, to be back on this piece of shit recap. Welcome, ladies and gentlemen!
Mike: It’s been a month, but who’s counting? I’m certainly not playing the blame game…
Kelly: Life happens, or so I thought. Well, we get to kick off the show with Alberto del Rio. Yay! But also, David Otunga. Booooo.
Mike: IT WAS ALL KELLY’S FAULT!!!! Ahem. Sorry.
Kelly: Leave me ALONE. BULLY.
Mike: Del Rio shows footage of last year’s Night of Champions when Sheamus hit the Brogue Kick on Christian.
Kelly: Oh yeah. That happened.
Mike: He invites Christian to speak on the heels behalf. Magically, via satellite, it’s Captain Charisma!
Kelly: Though I love (almost) all involved, this is kind of making me nod off a bit.
Mike: Christian is wearing an arm sling…but he’s not injured, he’s just off TV because “Creative has nothing for him.”
Kelly: I was wondering about that. I’ve missed a bit. Oh hey look, Daniel Bryan.
Mike: “I don’t have a goat face, but if I did, it’s because Sheamus kicked me so many times!” Ha.
Kelly: That was silly. He recounts the embarrassing 18 seconds moment (when he lost the belt, pervs) and says he’s been granted a Wrestlemania Rematch for tonight.
Mike: Yeah; any guy who only lasts 18 seconds isn’t much of a man.
Kelly: Aw don’t say that. You still try real hard.
Mike: Well, you do have a flaccid personality.
Kelly: Yeah, men go soft when they realize my dick is bigger than theirs.
Mike: So THAT’S the reason people tell you to go fuck yourself.
Kelly: It sure is.
The Miz vs Sin Cara
Mike: Update on Jerry Lawler! Good to hear he’s doing better.
Kelly: I saw a picture posted last night of him eating in his hospital bed with that big ol’ grin. Good to see. That was some super scary stuff.
Mike: Yup. And speaking of scary stuff, here comes Sin Botcha!
Kelly: Excuse me while I swoon.
Kelly: Yup. Something about caramel. You know me.
Mike: I know. I’ve seen your eating habits.
Kelly: Now I’m sad.
Mike: Commercial breaks do that to people.
Kelly: Boys calling girls big fatty fatties does, too.
Mike: Luckily, you have thicker skin than that.
Kelly: Another fat joke?! Why, Michael, WHY?!
Mike: Wait…that’s not what I meant!
Kelly: It takes a lot…sniff…for a girl to work up enough confidence…sniff…to be happy…sniff…
Mike: I’ve been around enough women to know when they’re feeding me bullshit tears. Get back to the in-ring action, girl.
Kelly: Yeah, the commercial break is over so I can stop killing time. So, Miz seems to have the upper hand on Cara.
Mike: And the crowd is apathetic.
Kelly: No fucks.
Mike: No fucks given.
Kelly: Not a single one. Even with all that fancy lighting.
Mike: I keep hearing this one chick at ringside cheering Sin Cara on.
Kelly: Screeching, more like. Sin Cara counters, which turns the tables dramatically. Lots of neat tricks, and Miz is on his knees.
Mike: And Sin Cara wins with an arm bar into a pinning combination!
Kelly: You have to admit, that was pretty nifty.
Mike: Yeah, if it wasn’t the slowest fucking lucha move I’ve ever seen.
Kelly: But he didn’t mess it up!
Mike: It was supposed to be a quick, surprising move. It didn’t come off that way…ipso facto, he’s El Botcho.
Kelly: Ugh. Haters gon’ hate.
The Miz is interviewed backstage by Matt Striker, until Rhodes, Mysterio, and Sin Cara all interrupt. Teddy Long makes a Fatal Four Way match for Miz’s title this Sunday. After that we get a recap of the Kane/Daniel Bryan saga, followed by a backstage skit between the two.
Kelly: I don’t think it’s appropriate to boast that Raw beat Monday Night Football’s ratings. I mean, I love the Chargers, but their game against the Raiders wasn’t exactly a big draw.
Mike: And the ratings went up because of the legit concern for Lawler’s health.
Kelly: Very true. I don’t know that I would have stayed up that late to watch it if not for that event.
Mike: Miz is interviewed backstage by Striker until Cody Rhodes, Rey Mysterio, and Sin Cara show up to lay claim to a title shot.
Kelly: And we’ll get a fatal fourway this weekend for the IC title.
Mike: I loved how everyone got to say a few words except for Sin Cara, who simply pointed at the belt. Cody’s response? “You don’t get anything by pointing!”
Kelly: Ha. Am I the only one who finds this Kane/Bryan thing silly as hell?
Mike: I love this pairing.
Kelly: Just the stupid backstage stuff. Like squeezing balls.
Mike: Speaking of which, Kane and DB are backstage with Dr. Shelby. As they argue, he says “I see you have balls”…..red rubber balls he’s given them. Ah, PG humor.
Kelly: Reminds me of the innuendos tucked into my favorite ’90s cartoons.
Mike: Like when the Ninja Turtles talked about raping April?
Kelly: I don’t recall that. I meant when the dog from Rocko’s Modern Life fell in love with a mop and it showed images of mayonnaise being slopped onto bread and a train entering a tunnel, for instance.
Mike: Could’ve sworn Leonardo said something about slipping her the green thumb…
Kofi Kingston vs Kane
Mike: Your boy Kofi faces Kane right now.
Kelly: Aw, my bestie. And he’s facing my ex-boyfriend’s doppelganger.
Mike: Odd. Kane’s not your shade preference.
Kelly: Nah, pasty and gangly has always been my type.
Mike: And Kane wins in quick fashion, but before he can leave Dr. Shelby shows up and Kane heads back to the ring.
Kelly: Aw, for a big (see: totally forced) hug. How darling.
Mike: Matt Striker asks Randy Orton why he’d want a match against Tensai tonight. Don’t ask him; ask the bookers.
Kelly: I kind of forgot about both of them. And I used to be the biggest RK-Hoe out there.
Mike: What with all his slithering.
Kelly: Oh boy. I meant female fan. Gimme some credit, will you?
Kelly: I hate this column.
Mike: If you did, you would have never returned to me.
Kelly: You threatened to kill my dog.
Mike: “Threatened” is such a touchy word. It was more like “guaranteed.”
Kelly: You bastard.
Mike: You don’t have to keep complimenting me.
Kelly: I’d like to think I’m complementing you.
Mike: Ah, I see what you did there.
Randy Orton vs Tensai
Mike: Can’t Tensai just get the fucking jobber entrance already?
Kelly: Oh well. This is already boring. I just Touted.
Mike: You still use Tout? Even the WWE has stopped shoving it down our collective throats.
Kelly: I love Tout. Still.
Mike: And holy crap, did you see what the next SyFy movie is? Pegasus vs Chimera.
Kelly: I did! Ha. Gotta love Syfy.
Mike: Gotta hate this match. Why is this a two-segment bout?
Kelly: Because it’s Orton.
Mike: This fat fucking waste of space gets air time, but guys like Tyson Kidd are relegated to dark matches.
Kelly: This is why I love the indies. Oh hey, Orton won.
Mike: Ugh…Vickie Guerrero.
Kelly: Ziggler tries to sneak attack the Viper, to no avail.
Mike: I like how he called Vickie out on the sneak attack, even though the camera showed Ziggler waiting for his cue at ringside.
Antonio Cesaro and Aksana are outraged that he has to defend his title this Sunday against the winner of a Battle Royal. Tyson Kidd and Brodus Clay come out and make a fool out of the United States Champion.
Mike: That recap of last month’s pre-show just revealed how boring the team of Scott Stanford and Matt Striker are on commentary.
Kelly: Like nails on a god damn chalkboard.
Mike: Hey, Tyson Kidd’s on TV. And it has nothing to do with the fact that we’re in Ottawa.
Kelly: Brodus Clay storms out, and the two lay Antonio Cesaro out.
Beth Phoenix vs Kaitlyn
Kelly: OHMYGOSH I forgot Barrett returned last week! AND HE HAS A SWEET ‘STACHE/BEARD COMBO.
Mike: Yeah. He didn’t do much except beat up Yoshi Tatsu.
Kelly: Well. That was a lovely couple of sentences. Nice chattin’ with ya, Barrett.
Mike: Lots of innuendos in THAT little speech.
Kelly: Kaitlyn and Layla this weekend? I’m a happy girl. And here comes Beth! Too much happiness…
Mike: I’m surprised Eve hasn’t been added to the title match with all her fake praise.
Kelly: And look at that. Tout lives in WWE.
Mike: Did you know Eve got engaged the other day?
Kelly: I did not.
Mike: Now you do.
Kelly: The more you know. Kaitlyn looks good tonight. And I mean in-ring, not just in-bra.
Mike: Glam Slam reversed!
Kelly: And the future Mrs. Floyd wins it. Looks good for Sunday.
Mike: So we agree that we’d both tap that?
Kelly: …you stay away from my woman.
Mike: Then you have to get me Rosa.
Raw Rebound: Cena and Punk’s confrontation at the end of the night.
Mike: Raw Rebound! That was a great promo from Cena, despite the awkwardness of the Lawler situation looming in the background.
Kelly: Yeah, I thought Cena seemed a lot less eccentric.
Mike: You know what bothers me about this forced heel turn from Punk? He’s become a one-note character crying for respect. Remember how well “One more match” worked for Christian?
Kelly: That’s what I was thinking! It’s okay for an episode or two, but then it’s like, “ENOUGH.”
Mike: And the attempted cheap shot at Bret?
Kelly: A little off topic, but am I the only one who was disappointed that they never really did anything with the shared “Best in the world” mantra between Punk and Jericho?
Kelly: The cheese stands alone.
Sheamus vs Daniel Bryan
Mike: OH NOES! HOW CAN SHEAMUS WIN WITH ONLY THREE OTHER FINISHERS IN HIS ARSENAL?!
Mike: The absurdity of this storyline only further enrages me.
Kelly: It’s a complete kill-time. They can’t come up with any new shit, so they rehash old shit and hope it’s been long enough since it happened that it should be interesting again.
Mike: It doesn’t work if they reveal his submission move two weeks before the PPV!
Kelly: But I can’t say I don’t like these two. Bryan is just dominating(italics) Sheamus right now.
Mike: There’s no question DB can get a good match out of Sheamus. I just hope he doesn’t make Bryan tap out.
Kelly: Now that would be silly.
Mike: The crowd loves this “YES!” stuff.
Kelly: Bryan locks in a submission, Sheamus tries to shake him but it doesn’t work.
Mike: He goes for the No Lock but Sheamus escapes and hits the Irish Curse backbreaker! Here comes the Cloverleaf…
Kelly: Annnnd…Bryan taps out. Silly.
Mike: Called it.
Kelly: What an ending!
Kelly: I find that an honest answer is difficult to find. It felt completely underwhelming, but that may be due to the fact that we actually sat through commercial breaks this time.
Mike: Well, that and the fact that it was a go-home show taped the night after Lawler’s heart attack.
Kelly: No kidding. I still can’t get over that.
Mike: Well it appears that he’s doing fine now, so thank Cthulhu for that.
Mike: Hopefully we’ll see you folks next week.
Kelly: But, as always, I doubt it.
Mike: So long…
Kelly: And thanks for all the fish.
Tags: aksana, alberto del rio, Antonio Cesaro, Beth Phoenix, Booker T, brodus clay, christian, cm punk, Cody Rhodes, Daniel Bryan, David Otunga, Divas Championship, Dolph Ziggler, Eve, Intercontinental Championship, Jerry Lawler, john cena, Josh Mathews, Kaitlyn, kane, Kelly Floyd, Kofi Kingston, Layla, Lillian Garcia, Matt Striker, Michael Cole, Mike Gojira, Night of Champions, R-Truth, randy orton, rey mysterio, Ricardo Rodriguez, scott stanford, sheamus, sin cara, Smackdown, Teddy Long, Tensai, The Miz, Tyson Kidd, United States Championship, Vickie Guerrero, Wade Barrett, World Heavyweight Championship, WWE, WWE Tag Team Championship, yoshi tatsu