Need a good laugh? Watch a highlight reel of the NFL’s replacement refs. Need a great laugh? You’ve come to the right place!
Big Show lumbers to the ring to say that he deserves a title shot against Sheamus, but Randy Orton interrupts him to say that Booker T has put them both in a match tonight to determine the new number one contender at Hell in a Cell. Alberto del Rio complains about being ignored and proves it by getting an RKO.
Mike: Ladies and gentlemen…..I’ve got nothing. It is tiring trying to come up with a funny opening every week.
Kelly: Speaking of boring, here’s Big Show.
Mike: Remember that time last week when I told you Big Show would be Sheamus’s next opponent?
Kelly: …nope. But that’s because I’m a drunk.
Mike: Big Show goes on about how his last title reign lasted 45 seconds. I thought Mick Foley said that moments define a career, not statistics.
Kelly: Who can pass up a chance to piss and moan, and blame others? That shit’s my bread and butter.
Mike: I get your blame all the fucking time. Hey, it’s the Viper!
Kelly: Whoa. He has hair!
Mike: I can’t believe this crowd. He says that Big Show hasn’t gone through the most sadistic person on this show. Silence. “Me.” Crowd goes apeshit. WTF? Were they really waiting for an answer?
Kelly: Wrasslin’ fans, man…
Mike: And here’s Caramel…er, del Rio.
Kelly: Ha! It’s going to be a thing. He goes on about wanting another match. Again. And is RKO’d. Fancy that.
United States Championship: Antonio Cesaro vs Santino Marella
Mike: Santino gets his rematch for the United States Championship. Antonio Cesaro is flying solo after rather abruptly dumping Aksana last week.
Kelly: Hopefully it sticks.
Mike: Nice stiff clothesline from Cesaro.
Kelly: Then he lands both boots on Santino’s chest. And his nose hasn’t un-wrinkled itself this entire time.
Mike: Is that a thing now?
Kelly: It is.
Mike: Cesaro taunts and you know what that means…
Kelly: Both men are bundled near the top rope, Cesaro eats it, Santino makes his move but fails, and it’s over.
Mike: The Neutralizer ends it. Because he’s Swiss, you see.
Kelly: And there was much rejoicing.
Mike: Monty Python reference FTW!
Beth Phoenix vs Natalya
Mike: I loved these diner skits from Raw last Monday.
Kelly: Kane in an apron. Darling.
Mike: It actually makes him more menacing. Weird.
Kelly: Nattie and Beth are up next. I don’t like it. But I do.
Mike: Enjoy it while it lasts. Beth’s on her way out.
Kelly: So I’ve heard. I don’t like change.
Mike: The crowd chants “Let’s go Buffalo,” which makes sense because “Let’s go Beth” is too difficult to say.
Kelly: Aw, the two former-besties get into a true girl fight. Then Nattie locks in the Sharpshooter and Beth can’t get to the rope..until she does.
Mike: Nattie kicks out of the fucking Glam Slam?!
Kelly: What the hell!!
Mike: And Beth wins with a roll up! I thought they’d job out the hometown girl.
Kelly: Oh boy. Eve walks out after the match and informs Beth that she is suspended until the investigation is over.
Mike: Yet Nattie is blonde and standing right next to Phoenix. Where’s her suspension?
Kelly: I was wondering about that…though, what am I saying. Nattie’s been unofficially suspended for a long time now.
Mike: And wait…Kelly Kelly just quit. Could she be that dumb to believe this storyline is legit and therefore left the company before she could be blamed?
Kelly: Listen to us, trying to debunk a Divas storyline. Shall we just shrug and move on?
Kelly: Moving on.
Booker T and Teddy Long confront Eve backstage about her decision to suspend Beth. Booker overturns the decision but insists that Teddy told her to do it. we then get a recap of Mick Foley’s lecture to CM Punk, complete with Ryback cameo.
Mike: Did Teddy just call Booker his “boo”?
Kelly: Awww. Looks like Eve put her foot in her mouth and suspended Beth before clearing it with Booker.
Mike: And yet Booker is dumb enough to believe that Teddy put the idea in her head.
Kelly: Remember how happy we were with last week’s episode?
Kelly: I miss that feeling. I’ve also never been more bored by a Raw recap.
Mike: Raw Rebound! Looks like we might get a Ryback main event push.
Kelly: I’m okay with that.
Wade Barrett vs Zack Ryder
Kelly: Yay, Zack Ryder! Yay, Wade Barrett!
Mike: You know, I’m not too excited about Barrett’s new gimmick. Which is ironic considering it’s an extension of his legit background.
Kelly: I’m just happy he’s using his own strengths. Not to mention, he does look pretty menacing…maybe it’s just the beard.
Mike: It’s just the beard.
Kelly: Oh well. It’s working for him. Barrett’s doing all he can to keep Ryder’s shoulders on the mat, to no avail.
Mike: Obligatory Ryder offense leads to Barrett’s avoidance of the Broski Boot.
Kelly: But it finds him anyway and Ryder wastes no time getting Barrett back in the ring to continue the attack.
Mike: Souvenir hits and that’ll do, pig. That’ll do.
Kelly: Ha, Souvenir Elbow. I like that more than I should.
Mike: Classic diner scene from “When Harry Met Sally.”
Kelly: This is making me uncomfortable. And I worked in a porn shop for two years, watching movies that you wouldn’t believe.
Mike: I…I did not know that about you.
Kelly: I’m full of surprises.
Mike: That sounds gross, now that I think about it.
Kelly: Yeah, not the best way to follow that bit of trivia.
MizTV time! Sheamus is the special guest, but their banter is interrupted by Dolph Ziggler, who basically says he’ll cash in at Hell in a Cell. Ziggler and Miz jump the champ but he tosses them out of the ring.
Kelly: Here we are with Mr. Awesome and his MizTV nonsense.
Mike: He says it’s totally unique….unlike Piper’s Pit, or Carlito’s Cabana, or the Highlight Reel, or the Barbershop…..
Kelly: Well, it’s likely not going as planned, as Sheamus tosses the seat that is set up for him and cuts Miz off every time he tries to speak.
Mike: If Sheamus says, “Let’s be honest” one more time….
Kelly: We drink!
Mike: Miz gets plastered by Sheamus’s smack talk, and his response? “I’m still the Intercontinental Champion! I’m in a shitty Marine film! I’m in Foley’s Christmas book!”
Kelly: I want to be in a Mick Foley Christmas book…
Mike: I bet there’d be a lot of coal in that stocking.
Kelly: Solid joke.
Mike: Yes you are.
Kelly: Hey, now.
Mike: EXCUSE ME!
Kelly: Dolph and Vickie, here to rape your ears.
Mike: You must have seen some dirty, dirty stuff in that porn shop.
Kelly: Are we still on that? I’ll be taking your questions after the show. For now, let’s stay focused, m’kay?
Mike: Dolph LITERALLY says he’s cashing in after Hell in a Cell. Good job, writers.
Kelly: All men get into it, and Miz and Dolph end up spooning outside of the ring after Sheamus gives them a flying lesson.
Mike: The gimmick of MizTV is that his furniture must be destroyed every week.
WWE Tag Team Championship Number One Contender’s Tournament: The Usos vs The Rhodes Scholars
Kelly: Now we get the tag team tournament thingy thing that Booker was talking about earlier. First up, the Usos!
Mike: Yes, let’s show everyone we care about the tag division by jobbing out a legitimate tag team to two singles wrestlers that just got thrown together recently.
Kelly: That’s the WWE’s way. “Hey, these dudes aren’t doing anything…ready, set, tag team.”
Mike: I’m sure you read my piece this week about the tag team scene.
Kelly: I actually did!
Mike: I figured you didn’t because it’s obvious that you hate everything I say or do….WUH?!
Kelly: Who loves ya, baby? Oh and while you were falling over in shock, the Rhodes Scholars advance.
Mike: Thank you, Kojak.
Kelly: Holy meatballs, Daniel Bryan.
Mike: He’s got a soy allergy so he can’t go vegan anymore. Take that, salad!
Kelly: Being vegan is for squares. Plants have feelings, too.
Mike: DB really looked like he was constipated there.
Kelly: His beard reminds me of someone. It’s killing me.
Ryback vs Tensai
Mike: And just because you asked for it…Tensai!
Kelly: I don’t remember asking for it. But here’s Ryback, so I guess it’s fine.
Mike: I don’t mind seeing Ryback squash Albert.
Kelly: Ryback doesn’t look as big next to the giant tattoo.
Mike: Tensai reminds me of a really fat Hakushi.
Kelly: Oh boy, Ryback just lifted Tensai onto his shoulders to finish him off!
Kelly: That was the most nifty thing I’ve seen all night.
Mike: And del Rio blindsides Orton on his way from the locker room area!
Kelly: Not too shabby.
World Heavyweight Championship Number One Contender’s Match: Big Show vs Randy Orton
Kelly: And here’s Big Show.
Kelly: Randy’s music starts up, but del Rio appears instead.
Mike: He appears to be taking Orton’s place…but here comes Orton!
Kelly: Orton throws ADR into the big WWE logo, and hobbles towards the ring.
Mike: The Little Viper That Could.
Kelly: And it appears he’ll wrestle. Cue the predictable Superman finish.
Mike: I don’t think so. My money’s on Big Show winning after Orton tries for the RKO and fails.
Kelly: You’re usually right about this shit, so I’ll just go with it.
Mike: That’s a good girl.
Kelly: Show absolutely assaults the injured abdomen of Orton. Ouchie.
Mike: Randy continues to get abused even after we return from commercials.
Kelly: Chokeslam attempt countered into a DDT!
Mike: Big Show powers out of a pin attempt…and Randy lands on his feet?
Kelly: To be fair, he was thrown pretty high when Show kicked out. But Show is back to the abs.
Mike: I don’t believe Big Show has ever seen his own abs. Or his penis, for that matter.
Kelly: Cute. Orton sends Show flying into the ring post, creating some separation.
Mike: He tries for a draping DDT but it fails. Show calls for the Chokeslam, but Randy nails the RKO!!!!
Kelly: Show kicks out, though. I don’t see this ending clean. I see Alberto getting more jealous than a contestant on Flavor of Love and ruining it.
Mike: RANDY CALLS FOR THE PUNT! He charges at Show but gets caught with a Chokeslam!
Kelly: Orton kicks out, but the second one does the trick. Well, whatever.
Mike: I think a WMD off the punt would have been a much cooler finish.
Kelly: I will say, I liked how pissed of both men were at the end of it.
Mike: Never mind. WMD post-match. Ironic, considering Orton planned the same thing with the punt.
Kelly: That was the lamest WMD I’ve ever seen.
Mike: Orton sucked at selling it.
Kelly: Show did it in slow-motion! I’d have trouble, too.
Mike: Final thoughts?
Kelly: Not the best Smackdown we’ve seen, that’s for sure.
Mike: But not too shabby, either.
Kelly: Meh. I want more.
Mike: You’d have to come to New York, babe.
Kelly: I’m not that type of girl, sugar plum.
Mike: Yet you worked in a porn shop.
Kelly: What can I say. Smut-peddling is my calling.
Mike: Fun for the whole family.
Mike: So long…
Kelly: And thanks for all the fish.
Tags: aksana, alberto del rio, Antonio Cesaro, Beth Phoenix, big show, Booker T, cm punk, Daniel Bryan, Dolph Ziggler, Eve, Hell in a Cell, Intercontinental Championship, kane, Kelly Floyd, Kelly Kelly, Mick Foley, Mike Gojira, MizTV, monday night raw, Natalya, Piper's Pit, randy orton, Rhodes Scholars, ryback, Santino Marella, sheamus, Smackdown, Teddy Long, Tensai, The Miz, the usos, United States Championship, Vickie Guerrero, Wade Barrett, World Heavyweight Championship, WWE, WWE Tag Team Championship, zack ryder