The SmarK Rant for TNA Impact – 10.18.12
Live from Orlando, FL
Your hosts are Mike Tenay & Taz
So Aces & 0.8s enter the arena to start, as Dixie Carter has apparently presented them with the key to the show, perhaps on a little personalized keychain with a different color key cover for each of them. The Aces head down to the ring while the mysterious leader toasts Devon on the big screen. Devon himself joins us as the crowd chants “You sold out.” By staying with TNA instead of going to WWE? That’s a terrible way to sell out. Devon gives a big thanks to the mysterious leader for “patching him in” and reveals that he’s doing this because Bully Ray turned on him two years ago. This brings out the babyface brigade and the brawl is on. Hogan comes out with his bat and we take a break. Back with Hogan challenging Devon on behalf of Sting for the main event tonight.
Meanwhile, Joseph Park returns from his kidnapping ordeal and needs to talk to Hogan alone. Perhaps about representing him in a sex tape lawsuit?
TV title: Samoa Joe v. Robbie E
This one doesn’t seem likely to last long. Joe quickly gets the corner elbow and head kick, and a kneedrop gets two. Rob Terry trips him up to stop the muscle buster, so Joe hits him with a dive and then resumes kicking Robbie’s ass. Another muscle buster and the choke ends the slaughter at 2:37. Rob T gets more of the same as well. *
Tara v. ODB
Taz fawning over Jessie Godderz is pretty funny. Also, ODB on the phone yelling at Eric Young while doing her entrance is pretty funny. ODB beats on Tara and gets a powerslam, then stops to rub Jessie’s face in her boobage. This allows Tara to attack her and take over using her JEALOUS CHICK RAGE and take her down by the hair a couple of times. However, ODB finds the flask of power and finishes with the Bam at 3:07. Yeah, this was pretty terrible. DUD
Hernandez & Chavo Guerrero v. Kid Kash & Gunner
Kash gets double-teamed in the corner and Hernandez kills him with an overhead suplex, but Gunner comes in, and also gets destroyed. A cheapshot on Chavo allows Kash to get some shots on him and they have an awkward sequence before the heels stomp him down in the corner. And they just keep doing that, apparently not much for variety. Chavo finally hits an enzuigiri on Kash and it’s hot tag Hernandez, who quickly pounces Kash and Chavo finishes with a high cross at 4:46. Pretty dull stuff. **
Meanwhile, Bully appeals to Hogan and wants to face Devon tonight instead of Sting. Hogan notes that he should concentrate on next week instead because he’s one of four people who might get a title shot at Hardy. Well that hardly seems like a fair tradeoff. He can’t wrestle tonight because he needs to wait for a 25% shot at having a match next week? THAT DOESN’T EVEN MAKE SENSE!
Jeff Hardy joins us and FUCK ME he’s got his stupid vanity belt back again. There’s still some booing left over from Phoenix here. Thankfully, Austin Aries interrupts his celebration, and he brings COOKIES. And balloons. Jeff RUDELY slaps away the cookies, so Aries mocks his ugly belt and spits on it. I feel the same way. This upsets Jeff enough that he attacks, but Aries escapes. Kind of a douchey champion – he’ only been champion for four days and he’s already got his own belt? And he attacks Aries after he brought out freshly baked cookies? That’s not the kind of person I want representing MY world.
Christopher Daniels v. AJ Styles v. Kurt Angle
Winner of this gets entered into the running for Hardy’s title defense next week. That hardly seems like a worthy payoff. You win this and you MIGHT get a title shot, if Hogan decides that you do. Angle and AJ get rid of Daniels, but Angle fires off suplexes on both guys. Styles comes back with a head kick to put Angle down, but the Styles Clash is reversed into the anklelock. Daniels breaks it up and gets rid of Angle, then hits Styles with the STO for two. Neckbreaker gets two. Daniels with a chinlock, but AJ fights out and hits Angle with a springboard forearm for two. Daniels powerbombs AJ for two. Angle suplexes Daniels, but walks into the Pele kick. AJ dumps Daniels and then hits him with a quebrada, and Angle finishes Daniels with the Angle Slam at 6:51. Crowd wasn’t really into this. **1/2
Meanwhile, Hogan wants to know what’s up with Matt Morgan. Matt promises to shove things up Hogan’s ass, and Hulk appears pleased to hear it. That doesn’t really help his sex tape case.
James Storm , wearing a nice suit jacket for once, is out to let us know that he wants to drink some beer and win the World title back again. And then Bobby Roode interrupts. Although Storm beat him, he’ll always have to know that Roode carried him through his career, so Storm superkicks him. Are they seriously still keeping this thing going?
Sting v. Devon
Devon attacks and pounds away, but Sting puts him down with an elbow and then misses the Stinger splash. He keeps coming and stomps Devon down, and man that bald spot is getting more obvious than Shawn Michaels’ even. Sting tosses him and we take a break. Back with Devon in control, and he drops a headbutt for two. Chinlock, but Sting makes the comeback and gets the Scorpion Deathlock, but here’s the Aces for the beatdown DQ at 10:52. Quite the shitty match with a shit finish. ¼* The babyfaces run out for another brawl to end the show. THIS SUCKED. It’s been over three months now, something needs to happen with this storyline already. They’ve got such a hard on for keeping it going despite it never getting over and yet NOTHING EVER HAPPENS. We’re back to exactly where we started again, except we know one of the guys is Devon.
The Pulse
What a BORING show, especially for the one following their biggest PPV of the year. Nothing progressed here, the wrestling was heatless, and the World title match selection process for next week is just ridiculous. One guy has to win a three way but the other three are randomly there already?
Get your shit together, TNA, this was not a good show.
