CB’s World: FD Swayze Invasion Edition – From Riley to Ryback (Miz, John Cena, CM Punk)

Welcome to a very special episode of CB’s World — the FD Swayze Invasion Edition! In this edition, FD Swayze discusses Ryback’s rise to the top and his match with CM Punk at Hell In A Cell in ways that only Swayze could express.

So sit back, relax, and enjoy the FD Swayze Invasion Edition of CB’s World – From Riley to Ryback……….

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I’m back once again to share with you my infinite wealth of knowledge about something completely useless. I believe you call it pro wrestling. We all watch these WWE shows and have alot of fun. And anything new that happens, fans want to talk about it with other fans. That’s completely natural behavior. However in WWE not much new stuff happens. That horrible Vanilla Ice parody has been the top guy for ten years. Even with Hulk Hogan, the fans could only take eight Wrestlemanias. And Cena can’t carry Hogan’s jock strap. It’s almost as if WWE hates us.

Because of this lack of progress, fans just sort of invent things that are happening on the show in their own imaginations. My favorite was when they had Alex Riley beat up The Miz in one segment, and fans still to this day believe WWE was going to make Riley the next big star of their show, but then just pulled the rug out from under him for no reason. They absolutely refuse to accept the truth that the only reason that segment happened was to explain why The Miz wouldn’t be escorted to the ring with Riley anymore. That’s it.

One freakin’ segment.

The new one right now is this ‘undefeated streak’ gimmick they AREN’T doing with this guy Ryback, and this ‘massive push’ they AREN’T doing with this guy Ryback. The funny thing is, John Cena has posted pictures of his messed up elbow. You all know the only reason Ryback is there is because Cena is hurt. And still you guys are latching on to this ‘big push’ thing, whatever that even means.

The reality? Skip Sheffield was in their developmental for a long time before he participated in that horrible Nexus crap, and then suffered a costly injury. If WWE has to hold this guy by his legs and shake money out of him, that’s what they are going to do.

Personally, I like this whole Ryback thing for a few reasons…

1) It shows how much the fans hate John Cena. Because this Ryback is horrible. Some fans who don’t know what is really happening in the ring say that we haven’t seen enough of Ryback to form an opinion.

But we’ve seen more than enough.

It turns out he sucks. Much like John Cena, he can’t sell moves which is the single most important thing. But even worse, he messes up his own moves. And you all know this. And still you’d rather see him than Cena. At this point, you all would rather see Vickie Guerrero and Gilbert Gottfried sing ‘I Got You, Babe’ than see Cena.

And that’s funny to me because…well, like you I hate Cena.

2) It shows how horrible WWE’s creative department is. Right now on the show, you got a guy who dances and acts ‘funkay’. You got a guy who talks to an imaginary child. You got a ginger and a guy in a turban wearing leather jackets doing air guitar. You got whateverthehell The Miz is supposed to be. And then you bring along a guy who just kicks ass.

Are you honestly suprised the fans are getting behind this Ryback idiot?

The thing is, what is the end result if WWE does decide to make this guy a star? Ten years of horrible matches just like Cena? Ten years of you all bitching and moaning about how horrible this guy is?

Furthermore, they could have done this with ANYONE! They could have made Daniel Bryan this total asskicker. They could have made CM Punk this total asskicker. They could have made Alberto Del Rio this total asskicker. They could have made this Shaemus guy be a total asskicker and not John Cena Lite. Instead they chose the worst possible candidate. And they gave him the name of Steven Segal’s character in the movie UNDER SEIGE.

Was the name ‘Mason Storm’ taken or something?

3) It shows that most WWE fans don’t really even like wrestling. They pretty much just dig the storylines and the guys yelling at each other. I think the fans like the ring. They can keep that. But WWE should think about dropping that whole annoying ‘match’ part that seems bug everyone.

Look at this CM Punk guy. He gets the title, and the fans get good matches. Alberto Del Rio and Miz in that ladder match. The Jericho feud. That awesome match with Daniel Bryan. Do the fans even care? No. They just whine that Cena got the ‘main event’ spot, which means nothing.

Invest in a watch. Go back to like last October. Then time how much John Cena has been featured on RAW and PPVs. Then time how much CM Punk has been featured on RAW and PPVS. Punk’s numbers will dwarf Cena. Easily. The only guys that are probably being featured near as much as Punk are Bryan, Shaemus, and maybe Ziggler. Those guys we see all the time. Ziggler’s had a few nights where he’s had to work two matches. If you factor in Smackdown; Shaemus, Bryan, and Ziggler might actually top Punk.

Me, I am enjoying WWE programming right now, even with these dreadful three hour shows. My main problems were lack of anything other than John Cena, Michael Cole’s ruining of the entire show, and the bombardment of commercials. Well WWE is not slowing down with the commercials. But they have featured more guys, and are constantly bringing in new guys. Some with some serious talent like this Antonio Cesaro and Damien Sandow. Michael Cole has also stepped up his game, and is finally acting like a normal human being for the first time in his announcing career. Finally every show ISN’T historic and every match ISN’T a classic to him. I can’t believe it, but I’m enjoying Cole on commentary. Two out of three ain’t bad.

JBL: There’s a move reminisant of the late Kevin Von Erich. Do you know who that is Cole?

COLE: Sure. Texas Tornado.

JBL: That was his brother, idiot.

COLE: Oh, well here is Big Show, who lost the World Championship in 17 seconds. JBL, you lost your title to Rey Mysterio in 45 seconds in an embarassing defeat. Why don’t you tell everyone how that felt.

JBL: …

So what is really wrong with this Ryback guy? The same thing that’s wrong with most of the guys there. They are just WWE babies with no real experience in how to work a crowd or perform a good match. I know you guys think Ziggler is a good wrestler, but when I see Ziggler and Orton doing that same reversal crap you see in every WWE baby match, I want the crowd to stand up and vomit all over them. That’s no different than Michael Cole calling every match a classic. It’s cookie cutter by the book garbage. It’s not what makes a great match. It doesn’t look real. It looks like they are working together. They are supposed to be fighting each other. It’s crap.

Really good wrestling is like Led Zeppelin. Orton vs. Ziggler is like Jonas Brothers.

So what’s going to happen at Hell In The Cell when CM Punk takes on THE RYBACK!?! Honestly, I haven’t thought about it. Maybe some of you fans can relate to this, but it seems like every other PPV is kind of not worth watching. I skipped the one with Cena vs. Brock. I watched the one with Punk vs. Bryan. I skipped the one with HHH vs. Brock. I watched the one with Punk vs. Cena. I will probably skip this one. Especially since this one is ‘The cage match show where nobody is allowed to use the cage’. Next PPV will probably be cool though.

What will the next PPV be? Well, now I present you with how I believe the buildup will go that leads into the next show, which is called…I don’t know. Probably like Masters Of The WWE Universe or something. Enjoy…

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(John Cena’s horrible music plays and he comes to the ring in his stupid pink hat.)

JOHN CENA: So you guys like Ryback now? Me too! See, I’m cool, right? Feed me more? Feed me more? Do you guys still like Ryder? Woo woo woo? You know it? Please somebody like me. I desperately need approval.

(CM Punk’s awesome music plays and he comes to the ring as fans cheer him and boo Cena.)

CM PUNK: Dammit! I have to fight you again? What is this, Groundhog’s Day?

JOHN CENA: I said if you could come into my hometown, where they hate me, and walk out of there the WWE champion still, then I would give you the respect you deserve.

CM PUNK: But I did.

JOHN CENA: Well, I mean…uh…okay but I saw you leave in your bus. Technically you drove out. You didn’t walk. So I was right! MORAL VICTORY!!!

CM PUNK: Right about what?

JOHN CENA: That…that I wouldn’t…I don’t respect you or…I don’t know. What I do know is this: you’re poopy!

FANS: …

JOHN CENA: Poopy? Wee wee? Tinkle? Butt?

(Around the planet, laughter dies.)

JOHN CENA: Okay enough! I hate you CM Punk and you need to shut up! So there!!!

(Fans chant CM PUNK)

JOHN CENA: Oh you guys like Punk? Well then I like him too! He’s awesome!!! Please tell me I’m a good boy. Please?!?

CM PUNK: Look Cena. You had your chance. You had serveral chances. You’ve had ten years of chances. Maybe you should let someone else have a turn?

JOHN CENA: But you still haven’t beat me in a ladder match!

CM PUNK: Yeah I have. We already did that. And a table match. I won that too.

JOHN CENA: Oh…well you haven’t faced me in the cage!

CM PUNK: We did that too. We’ve done everything. So far, I’ve beaten you 4,287 times. You haven’t won once.

JOHN CENA: Well I want a rematch! Until you beat me with both hands tied behind your back, with your feet covered in cement, blindfolded, with a knife in your chest, then you haven’t done anything!

(Mick Foley, Edge, and Mr. T’s music play at the same time as all three come to the ring.)

MICK FOLEY: Yeah Punk, you’re just a pussy unless you fight Cena with all that stupid crap he just said I guess.

EDGE: Totally.

MR T: I pity the fool who don’t fight Marky Mark blindfolded with knives tied to your arms and lasers for eyes in a spaceship to Mexico through a volcano with bees stinging you and sharks eating your face.

JOHN CENA: AND…you have to win with a Sunset Flip.

CM PUNK: Screw it, I quit.

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Click here to read FD Swayze’s Pulse Wrestling archives.

Click here to read my Taking YOUR Wrestling Pulse interview with Swayze.

Oh, and I’d be remiss if I didn’t end this with a good old-fashioned pro rasslin’ FISTPUMP!

That’s all from me this week — CB.

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