Welcome to “New Rules”.
I’ve always hated writing intros. But now that the some of the articles are just basically the “New Rules” segment, I even moreso have no idea how to start them. What is it that you want? It’s a joke article. In fact, if you need an intro to this, then maybe an article with words is too much for you. Maybe an article with just pictures is more your speed. What would you like me to say? “Enjoy!” “Don’t spill your 5-Hour Energy Shot!”
All right, I’m sorry. “New Rules” is not just a joke article, and I’m glad you took a second to check in with me before proceeding. The truth is, I feel like a lot of the “Interinactivity” articles are starting to repeat themselves due to there not being a lot of new stuff to talk about lately (which may have been the case for some time) so I’m going to start using those only occasionally. If you have a direct question or comment that you’d like me to respond to, throw it in the comments and I’ll do something with it.
Besides – the truth is, if you’re one of those people who continues to argue with me about something like Shaemus’ popularity or him having anything to do with some people carrying him to good matches this year, and you sat through the gnawing delirium of his… ahem… very gradual… PPV match with Big Show, the crowd’s complete non-reaction to him being helped up and to the back after losing his title, let alone his promo on RAW – then me trying to tell you how it is would require a talent for two things you’re not good at – listening and pattern recognition. Again, I recommend articles with pictures.
And remember, Blair loves you all.
Enjoy! Don’t spill your 5-Hour Energy Shot!
New Rule #1: Whenever Kofi Kingston performs his “Trouble In Paradise” kick, the DMV must immediately mail his opponent some handicapped plates. Unless his opponent is The Miz – who, judging by his delayed speech patterns, already has his own.
New Rule #2: Vince McMahon needs to realize that there’s no reason to have his wrestlers play that ridiculous “I’ll never leave, I don’t do this for the money, I do this because I love it!” card. Now, I’m not a psychiatrist – but I do own a couch, and I feel that this fact alone makes me overqualified to tell you that this hackneyed quote elevates bullshit to an artform. Trying to convince us that these guys don’t wrestle for a paycheque is embarrassing, whether you’re talking about John Cena, Shaemus, or that guy that a friend of mine called “a cross between Goldberg and the plant from Little Shop Of Horrors”.
I doubt there’s a fan out there young or naive enough to actually believe this anyway, but WWE, listen – we get it. We know what you’re trying to get us to come away with – that John Cena doesn’t know the meaning of the word “quit” any more than he knows the meaning of the words “selling” or “married”.
New Rule #3: Someone needs to tell us who in WWE is designing entrance gear for some of these wrestlers.
I know someone who went to Hell In A Cell on Sunday who hadn’t watched WWE in a while (Crystal, formerly of my BEST F&%#ING TNA TEAM EVER), and about halfway through she sent me the message “It’s like they took the homo meter and raised the reading to ‘unreadable’.” Keep in mind, this is from someone who’s a friend to the gay community, and besides, I’m fairly certain that even gay people would think this attire is out of control.
I watched the PPV on Sunday, and I supposed I’d just kind of gotten used to it over the past few years.
And then Cody Rhodes came out.
This outfit doesn’t say “stylish wrestling accessory”, it says “keep food just out of my reach after you hook me up to a car battery.”
New Rule #4: As much as everyone hates the constant twatting on WWE programming, some credit has to be given to WWE for stepping up to the plate only 2 years late, as opposed to the 5 or 6 years it normally takes them to get current. However, if they’re going to put THIS much emphasis on Twitter, then they really should consider looking at some actual Twitter numbers.
Ryback has 168,810 followers.
Yoshi Tatsu has 184,300. Alex Riley has 232,298.
What’s that, you say? Ryback is new and Bourne and Tatsu have been around for years? Fair point, but it’s not like Yoshi Tatsu and Alex Riley had much more time on RAW than Ryback has had, and they certainly weren’t booked the same way, and neither ever approached the main event or an undefeated streak. And given the amount of interest they’ve invested into Ryback, you’d at LEAST think he’d at least be above Yoshi Tatsu, who, despite being talented, has played a lifelong jobber stereotype.
Shaemus has 261,379 followers.
Evan Bourne has 383,694 followers. That’s right, Evan Bourne, the mid-carder who’s been publicly suspended for two wellness violations and who hasn’t been on TV since January has more followers than the guy who’s been pushed as an unstoppable monster babyface for over a year straight.
Wade Barrett has 356,521 followers. This is the one that shocked me. So WADE BARRETT… who has been in WWE as long as Shaemus has, and who has spent that ENTIRE time playing an asshole… has more followers than the superhero who won the Royal Rumble.
Kofi Kingston has 620,360 followers. So the guy who’s been relegated to nothing but silly tag-teams and constant jobbing for the past 3 years has over DOUBLE the followers of Shaemus, the “fan favorite” who won the World Title at WrestleMania.
Zack Ryder has 910,393 followers. So, since winning the World Title, Shaemus has run through Daniel Bryan, Randy Orton, Chris Jericho, Dolph Ziggler, Alberto Del Rio, and now the Big Show – and if there were THREE of Shaemus, he would STILL not have as many followers as Zack Ryder, who’s only Twitter promotion came at the hands of CM Punk, and who’s only support from WWE consisted of a token run with a bottom-tier title before a storyline where Cena and Eve cuckolded him like a little bitch.
I’m not saying that Shaemus and Ryback aren’t popular – Twitter did that for me.
I kid – not ALL the numbers turned out how I thought they would. After all, The Miz has 910,393 followers – this means that The Miz – ANOTHER guy who has been a heel for his ENTIRE career, and who’s been either jobbing or absent for all of THIS year… might make a better babyface champion than Shaemus or a better babyface replacement to face Punk than Ryback… even when Miz is working AS A HEEL. (There ya go, Limodriver!) And Daniel Bryan, arguably the hottest act around right now, has only 461,995 followers. It boggles the mind.
So I’m definitely NOT suggesting that this is the most accurate medium to go by.
I’m just saying that given the time and money they spend trying to build some of these top monster babyfaces… having inactive suspended wrestlers who’ve been off the show for most of the year, career heels and lifelong jobbers followed by more of your fans than – say, your two most recent attempts at top monster babyfaces – might be something to be concerned about given how much importance you seem to be placing on this medium of fan interaction.
By the way, just to leave this on a fun note – Cody Rhodes has been a very featured heel in the WWE for over 4 years. Mark Henry has been with the WWE for over 15 years and was an unstoppable monster for half of last year. David Otunga, who barely wrestles, never wins, and who plays a dickhead lawyer – has more followers than both of them put together. This makes me pretty confident that if Cody Rhodes and Mark Henry died in a car bombing tomorrow that the headline would read “Two Killed In Car Bombing”.
New Rule #5: Don’t be mad at your crowd because your event failed to adequately entertain them. This week it was reported that WWE officials were unhappy with the PPV crowd in Atlanta. The feeling, the report said, is that the main event would have come off better on television if the crowd were more vocal. This excuse can be found on the “Hollywood’s Lamest Possible Excuses For A Bad Show” list right after “the acoustics” and before “gas leak”.
That’s all the time we have for this week. Remember, if you have any questions for me, leave me below and I’ll throw it into an “Interinactivity”. And as always, any and all comments and thoughts are always appreciated, or you can feel free to e-mail me at email@example.com. Also, feel free to follow me on Twitter @BlairADouglas if you’re into such things.
This has been “New Rules”. Thanks for reading and have a great weekend.
I’ll be in my trailer.
Tags: Alex Riley, Cody Rhodes, David Otunga, evan bourne, hell in the cell, john cena, Kofi Kingston, Mark Henry, Raw, ryback, Shaemus, The Miz, twitter, vince mcmahon, Wade Barrett, WWE, yoshi tatsu, zack ryder